Dont know what to do

Hey leyla and welcome to our forum.

Thank you for sharing your story, I am sure it was not an easy step to go about an internet search and see if you could find something, that helps you understand what is going on in your marriage.
That said, please ensure you delete your browser history. We can help you with that if you are not familiar with this. Your husband sounds controlling in many aspects and I would not be surprised if he checks which websites you visit as well.

Safety is the number one concern when we deal with unpredictable partner or spouses.

What I am hearing is, that your husband chooses to abuse you physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. By spiritually I mean his way of trying to force you to change your ways of believing as well. You really do not have much room to breathe and be yourself!

Now what many women want to know is usually: Do you think he can change?
They also stay because even though the man they are with leaves bruises on them (or is smart enough not too, or only in places where others cannot see them), insults them in ways that we would never allow someone talk to our own children or best friends-- they also know when to choose the so called 'honeymoon phase'--
This is the time you describe at kind, sweet and lovely.

The problem with focusing on that phase is-
1. It ALWAYS goes back to tension building and then an episode of overt abuse (meaning it is out in the open the abuse, you walk on eggshells and he could blow up any time) This process is referred to in Domestic Violence research as "Cycle of violence".

There are many good articles on this website and online in general about terms you might want to have a look at, if that feels right.

- Stockholme syndrome/traumatic bonding
- cycle of violence
- TED talk on youtube about Domestic violence etc.

One book I can HIGHLY recommend is from a very experienced therapist, who worked with abusers and their families for now about 30 years I think.

"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
The book is rather cheap, maybe you can even have a friend or family member order it (I think they have a kindle version as well if you do not want a paper copy) and maybe even the local library has one - most likely a university library would have it as well, if there is one in your city. You can go there to read it there, and leave it- in case you do not want him to find it. (I recommend you hide this book anyways as he sounds very controlling)

If you would prefer to talk to someone in person, all shelters and national DV hotlines have 24 hour free phone counseling available. Just google the one closest to you or the national hotline and see what the person on the other end can offer you. They will not ask you to leave and they will not force you to say your name or address. They just go over free support options you can tap into, should you want to now or later in life.
They also will check if you have a safety plan- meaning- usually abuse gets slowly worse over the years. Some abusers might stop for a bit but they always come back to it. If they feel you are leaving or not complying, or something in their life changes and stresses them out- the abuse often gets worse too.

So does it during the holidays- because abusers love to ruin every aspect of happiness in their partner's life.

What keeps you from leaving him?

You do not have to answer this. Just a thought for yourself. This might help to see if you feel more comfortable knowing there IS free help for ALL of your worries and concerns out there. From financial, to legal, to getting housing and a job etc. He lets you THINK you are trapped and stuck and alone, because that leaves him all the power over you. He chooses when to be nice, when to be cruel. Just the right dose and mix to keep you his slave really. Because what human being would want to be controlled like this? It is depressing! And it makes many women depressed and anxious- and then they start to think maybe THEY are at fault and cause the man to do this.

It is a vicious cycle.
Leaving is not easy- it is not an event but a process.
Staying is never leading to change, only to more years of abuse and fear and entrapment.

There are also a ton of great counseling services out there to help you heal - even before you leave you could see if you could see a counselor.
Your current health insurance should know and you could lie to your husband about why you go there. Some women do that because otherwise their abuser would never let them go. If you pick a female counselor too and pretend it is about something else- something he believes and thinks it serves HIM- he might let you go now. It is easier to have a counselor on your side. A good counselor can be researched online as well- there are lists with how to know if you picked the right one. They also will keep anything you say confidential and your husband will not know what you talk to her about.

You do not have to decide anything today. Sit with the information, read some more, call a hotline to see what services are there.
That alone is a HUGE start and step!!

We are here, you do not have to walk this path alone.

Thankyou thankyou both so much for taking the time to write all of that and to take me seriously for so long him and his family have belittled the emotional and physical abuse and said " It happens in all Marriages"
" Be patient," you are too sensitive, he has denied hitting/ slapping/ pulling my hair/ swearing/ calling me names saying im mad or making it up even when ive had bruises, his family are from a different culture and believe women are subservient to men, i have thought of leaving for so long, but am so worn down, i doubt myself and my ability to function without him. We also have a joint mortgage and im scared about getting it sorted out, as i have a fear of being in debt. Thankyou again