An update

Hey Orange,

Let me get back at your old posts to brush up on the background of your leaving- just to make sure I have all the details in mind for my reply. I will get back in a few minutes. For now, let me say missing him, telling him you love him etc. is all very, very normal.

You are not crazy and you are not stupid or anything alike. I did the SAME and I think of myself as a highly educated women with uni degrees and a good career.
It does NOT say anything about your intellect or value or character.

Now one thing I do want to say is that what you are experiencing does feel a lot like a withdrawal from an addiction.
At least I felt that way years ago after I left my Ex- which took me 3 attempts in total if I remember correctly-.

Let me read your posts and get back in a bit...

For now, deep breaths. There is NO sense of urgency whatsoever! Take a hot shower, watch some TV if that feels right.
read your old posts on here to see why you left him.

I also want to add I do NOT believe he lived in a toilet stall of a train station for 2 days as those are usually being controlled and cleaned out by personnel. It sounds so fishy to me that the hair at the back of my neck went up when I read it. He lied and used it as bait to make you feel sorry for the poor man- who had no other choice but a toilet in public. Bullsh.... I don't believe one word.

Also to say: "now I know how much you love me" -- ...??
Sure, now he knows he can get away with anything if you go back. He thinks he already has you back because he got you to reply and tell him what he wanted to hear. This is another way of manipulating you. And to pull the attention away from YOU- YOU the victim, and the woman who had to flee to a shelter to receive help....again he makes it all about him.

I will write some more later.

Just know whatever you choose to do, is your right. We do not judge you.
It is not us who live your life or face the consequences of our choices, so please take in advice, but know this is my voice, not yours. YOU alone have the right to choose what feels wrong, what feels right and what brings you longterm happiness.

And to end...No, they never change. But something tells me deep down you knew that already....am I right?
(You do not need to answer this question)

Oh man, I wrote a second, longer text yesterday after brushing up on what exactly the abuse was you suffered from your partner. And I did post it but it seems my internet was off at the time and it is gone.

But...I do remember I had re-posted Steve's answer:

Even he is recognizing you deserve better. That should tell you something. Take his advice.

You said you had a panic attack: what were you worried would happen if he left? Getting a sense of what you'd lose if he left can be a big help in finding a way to get away from him.

It is not rare that abusers have a seeming "moment of insight" after abusing you. Sometimes, I think they may have some momentary regret, because somewhere inside, they do realize that you DO deserve better. But it won't last long. Once he feels you are back under his control, once you are both back on script, that moment of insight is completely forgotten.

On the other hand, some do it for exactly the reason that they think it will make you react the other way. I've seen abusers actually leave for days or weeks without a word, waiting for the victim to beg him to come back again. They really do know your "buttons" well enough to anticipate what you will do. He may have realized that telling you to leave would create an anxiety attack for you and make you decide not to leave after all.

Bottom line, you DO deserve better. It is terrifying to leave, but even if staying seems safer, you know that it will not get any better, and will probably get worse and worse. Sometimes, it gets to the point where you simply want to "bite the bullet" and get away, regardless of the pain. It is hard to say where that point is for any person, but it seems to me like you are close to that line. You seem to know that leaving is the only way to stop the abuse, but you are still too scared to do it.

One thing that can help is to start planning an exit, even if you aren't ready to go yet. Ask yourself, "If I left, where would I go." Come up with some options. Then move to, "How much money would I need, and where would I get it?" Maybe you start squirreling away some money bit by bit. Every step you take helps get you a little bit closer to your goal.

As I think I said before, "Leaving is a process, not an event." Keep walking forward, baby step by baby step, and one day, you will be out.

You CAN do this!

---- Steve

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to your last post and wanted to encourage you to read your old post again as well.
He is a dangerous man. He is NOT a man one has to pity. You can see he does just fine without you and I am concerned about your safety if you do go back.
I would understand it but I do not encourage it and I believe it WILL put you in danger.

Reach out, get your hands on free counseling via the shelter or other means- do not give up.
There is help out there.

Boundaries are for normal people. Not for him. He will never change- and I too had to learn it the hard way with my Ex.
But having other people tell you is sometimes not enough- sometimes victims of abuse keep denying, keep defending, keep minimizing the horrific abuse- until one last final blow that either leads to their death or a serious injury. Many women on here report they did let their guards down, went back just "one more time to see if THIS one time, they can get it finally RIGHT!!!!!' only to come out with a broken arm or knife wounds or sexually abused once again, held hostage or beaten blue. You keep recreating a traumatic and hopeless situation if you go back and that is one strong sign of post traumatic stress. Over and over and over again you let yourself go into a situation that adds to making you feel more hopeless and worthless- which then acts like a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it is something called "learned helplessness' because it CAN be unlearned and you CAN learn to live a hopeful, safe life. There might be more roots to explore in your childhood and family- but again only a good therapist can do that kind of work with you.

And those examples of women getting away with some scratches or a broken arm, are the 'good' examples who then again ran away just in time- others are not so lucky. In the UK alone for example I believe the latest statistics say 3 women die per WEEK from an abusive partner and the injuries caused by them.

I also found a typo in my post above- we do NOT live with 'YOUR' decisions- I meant to write. This means that anyone here or at the shelter or even your Ex- can say whatever they want. They all do NOT live with the consequences YOUR choices have directly for you.

Only you do.

This also means you need to look out for yourself, be kind to yourself, embrace and accept yourself- and appreciate your existence, understand you DO have a purpose in this life and are here for a reason. Often only a qualified health professional can help you build this self-esteem and self-acceptance in therapy.

What are the obstacles right now to get to see a counselor if I may ask?
How can you solve it?

These are not questions for me- I gently invite you to answer them to yourself.

For how long has his abuse been going on before you left?
How often has he promised to change and that he 'saw the light'?
What do you think would be different this time just because you went away for a few days?

Would you tell me, if I told you my current partner did THIS to me, would you think I should go back, work harder on it, get him to ‘see the light’, believe his promises to change and get help for himself?
______________________ Trigger warning, I am re-posting some of your old posts about him ____

There has been many many incidents of name calling, threats, and a handful of physical violence episodes. He's never hurt me bad, but I've had a few bruises from him. The worst for me I think was when he put his hands around my neck. And put tape on my mouth and threatened to ... use a bottle on me in a sexual manner...if you know what I mean? That was a bad day to say the least. But I saw the change in him. He let go of his jealousy, not completely, but by a lot. And when he was jealous, he didn't take it out on me. It was bliss and I was happy. Then someone tries to cause trouble and he's back in a bad place again. I know he's depressed and very insecure, but he's being mean again. Yesterday was a full day of him calling me names, yelling, accusing me of things etc. The worst thing is that he's telling me he's suicidal. He's carrying a knife and hammer with him (around the flat) and has cuts all on his arms. He told me many times yesterday that he'll kill himself when I go to sleep. And I was tired, I tried to stay awake but shamefully fell asleep. I just want to help him, but he diesn't give me clear answers as to how.
I dunno what to do. I'm depressed and hopeless. I never know what to expect next from him. I thought he loves me so much, so why is he doing this to me? When he gets angry his eyes change. Sounds mad, but ut's true and it's scary. I'm worried about his state of mind. I don't want to wake up and find him dead I know it seems like a tactic, but how can i be sure? He has a few diagnosis, so he really does have problems. I just want to live a happy life with him. This is thd man I was supposed to be marrying and having children with. I don't want to be treated like this, but I don't want to be without him. And it's hopeless. I don't know where I would go. This flat is a mess and so am I. I wouldn't be able to stay here, cause he'd just come back and this place is horrible.Sometimes when he gets angry, I kinda smile cause I'm nervous, so that makes it worse. Why do I smile when it's not funny?! Sometimes I talk back. After hours or days of hearing how I'm a sl**, I'll say something like "yeeaahh, I am, so what!" and try to act tough. What an idiot. Maybe I deserve to be hurt then? Am I provoking him? What's the right way to react? How can I get him to realise I don't care about other men? Sorry I'm taking up so much space. I'm probably not even making any sense.

_______________________________________________________________________________


Now take a deep breath....look in the mirror and smile at that strong woman who survived this horrific abuse.
He sounds to me like a very dangerous man and I cannot imagine what he would do to a baby- (you mentioned you wanted him to be the one you marry and start a family with...) and how much those poor children would suffer.
I am also very concerned about your safety, emotional, and physical. He tried to rape you with a bottle. Wow.
That is beyond someone with a normal depression or suicidal thoughts. That IS domestic violence- right on.

Have you had the chance to read "Why does he do that" by Lunday Bancroft?
and "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea.
I can also highly recommend "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek.

Again, only YOU can keep yourself safe.
only YOU can be so loving to yourself and appreciate who you are, that you are alive and safe right now in the shelter from having your mouth taped, choked or slammed into a wall.

You do NOT need to convince us of his potential to become a better person you might still hold onto. I have been there. I did go back to my Ex a few times after leaving.
It was the WORST mistake I have ever made. It was like giving into a love addiction- only to get a quick fix and wake up to more abuse.

It was not easy to break away and go cold turkey, no contact. But it was the ONLY way.
Years later I did work through self esteem issues in therapy, got my life back together, new friends who are gentle and loving and an amazing partner who is as safe as can be.

You can do that too.

Now do not answer those questions I posted for me or others here.
Sit with them. Ask yourself. Out loud in your bedroom or under the shower or just in your head- whatever is most comfortable.

Get the Belleruth Naparstek "Trauma" audio guided imagery- a few google searches and you will find it on her website. You can listen to it during moments when you feel alone- she also has other guided imageries there for depression/anxiety/panic attacks, whatever you find speaks to you.

If you do go back, do not be ashamed or feel guilt. That is the LAST thing anyone on here wants you to feel. There is too much shame and guilt in the wrong place in DV anyways. The abuser is at fault, and only him.
You just have to work through the leaving period and build yourself up.

We are here.

Hey Janine/anybody else.

Honestly, I don't think he's that dangerous. I mean, if he were to ever kill me it would be accidental. But it's unlikely. Yeah, he's been pretty bloomin' bad to me. But I'm just not getting the horror? I've heard of far worse happening to other women. If someone was to tell me " well my partner only slapped me" i'd never think that means they didn't suffer. But I also don't see him as an especially dangerous man? Just to be clear, he didn't try to sexually assualt me with the bottle. He grabbed hold of it while I had the tape on, and said he was going to. But he has done a few things that would be defined as sexually abusive, just not THAT far. That's not me making excuses for uim, just clearing it up.

I'm on a waiting list to see a counselor. She was in the shelter a couple of days ago, but cause I just arrived she didn't have time to see me. I've not been told when it will happen yet. I want to speak to her.

I would tell you not to go back to him if you wrote that. A girl here, a young mum of two little ones, told me today she is planning on going back to her ex. She's told me a bit about what he's done to her, and it's pretty much the average abuse. But it apparently didn't start until she told him she wasn't sure she was inti the relationship anymore. Three out of four women here have literally said to me at different times "my situation is different, it's not the typical abusive relationahip" yet the bits they've told me doesn't sound much different. I thought that was interesting...and sad. I don't want any of them to go back to their partners. Sorry, I trailed off a bit there.

I'm pretty certain he wouldn't hurt a child. But yeah...it's not a kind of family I'd want my children to grow up in. I'd never have children with him until he's changed.


No i've not read those books yet. I don't have much money to last me until my next payment . I've tried to download them for free, but don't think that's possible. I really want to read those books.

Yes, only I can keep myself safe. I know I must be so frustrating for you. You're so wise, yet I still believe it's possible he could change. I'm sorry. You do so much for this website. I would understand if you wiped your hands clean off me. I'll be totally honest, I've been talking to him today. He Facebooked my sister, telling her he emailed me because he misses me and will she tell me that. We've been emailing back and forth. I haven't said as much as him, but he's been basicaly saying how much he misses me, would do anything to see my beautiful face etc. He's going to call me tomorrow. Not sure if I should tell staff that I've done this? They ask if he's been in contact, but they don't work weekends.

Gah. Thanks again x

Hi orange, only you can decide when and if you can leave. It takes quite a few episodes until you know you have to as things have gotten so bad. But we've all pretty much been there, hoping and hoping for a miracle. Keep yourself as safe as you can and theres no harm in keeping items you may need in a hurry stored somewhere safe should you decide to go back x

Oh my gosh. I feel terrible. We were in constant contact since i posted this thread. But he was being terrible. Horribly mentally/verbally abusive. But his plans of us secretly meeting up were so tempting still. I told him I would. But my health is slipping down and down, eventhough i'm in a shelter. I'm feeling very ill mentally and physically. I've had suicidal thoughts (but dont ACTUALLY want to die, if that makes sense?) I woke up wednesday morning, knowing I can't do it. I know what would happen. He would convince me to leave the shelter, then i'm back at square one. I can't. I really feel like I will end up either dead at my own hand or SEVERLY mentally ill. Like cracking up. I told him this today. He convinced me to go on Skype for "one last chat" where he "wouldnt try and change my mind" cause he "cant live if I dont" and "cant believe i'd dump him by text, after all he's done for me"

I did go on Skype. And he begged and begged me to give him one more day. He said he's getting hypnotized tomorrow. It's apparently bern promised to him that it'll help jealousy and relationships. Apparently the guy is the best at his job. He wants me to talk to him tomorrow and see if he's changed, if not he'll not ask again. I said "no cause you'll be great for a while, until you've got me in your grips again" I said this to him! But he said we will forever wonder if the hypno worked, what a waste. He thinks if he's nice timorrow it means he's changed! I had to log out of there. While he was begging. I can't take it anymore. I feel terrible for this. So guilty. But my mental health can't take holding onto hope again.

Please help. I'm doing the right thing right? This is so hard. Am I a b**ch? I'm tired, will post more later.

You did the right thing.

He will never change. Deep down you know that and you feel it would be dangerous to go back and lose all the ground again, that you fought for.

Hang in there orange, there are healthy people out there willing to help.

Life is good....it is just not good if an energy vampire sucks you dead. Kick those out.
You were not born to suffer from another human being and you dont owe anyone a single thing.

It is ok to not want to cut that very last communication tie - that is the number you have- yet. In a way you can think of it this way-
How about for NOW you are taking a 'no contact- vacation'- because IF you ever really would want contact, he will be there and you would a way anyways.
Keeping that in mind might help you to be able to for now- even if it is just for a week or a month or so, get rid of this number. Get a deserved break and take a time out for yourself.

And I am NOT one least bit surprised this 'hypnotizing' event was not something he is further pursuing. For one, there is NO scientific evidence in the history of psychotherapy where an abuser stopped being abusive due to ONE hypnotherapy session- in fact even after a LONG time of regular therapy almost all abusers still abuse.

You can contact facebook directly and report it. Just open the regular facebook site and see how you can contact them and file a report.
You could also let a trusted friend know who is friends with you on facebook to see what activity is going on on your profile and have her or him report it. Do not give up- Facebook is being hacked a lot and they know how to solve it and ensure your profile is being given back to you. Usually a few emails and complaints from your friends should do the job.

I also think the text he sent you was sent on purpose. He WANTS you to think about him and wonder about him. If he can make you think he might be onto dating someone, or he is about to kill himself or something is very miserable going on- then how GOOD would it be if you cared and texted back- and again, give him the attention and control over you, your emotions and well-being. He would win yet again.

Hang in there. You are doing so well. Forgive yourself whatever you feel guilty for or ashamed. Reach out to help organizations, anything free you can get from the system. That is why it is there for.

We are here.