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Post by alisay on Jul 29, 2014 7:52:56 GMT
Thanks all! It is so good to be able to talk to people who understand and to whom I do not need to justify myself!
My sister called yesterday. Again, she took my daughter from daycare without informing me. I kept my cool and asked her casually how long she was planning to stay at the apartment. She, of course, was vague, because to actually have the courtesy to inform the rest of the family of her plans when they involve us is beyond her, but I seems that it would be about 6 days, so I have a number of nights for me to reserve the hotel. I have to be precise because the place is a popular holiday place and the hotels are full (or completely out of price). I have decided that I will not give any explanations but just go ahead and do it. I hope that the message gets across...
On another note, I had a lucky breakthrough on my plans to leave. I am a contractor but an agency told me of a permanent job to which they wanted to send my CV. It would be less money than what I earn now but it would be without travel, so less child care expenses and more time with my daughter. I am not sure if I would get the job, but I researched the location and it is actually a great place to live, regardless of the job. I could do my job from there equally well (even better) and although it is more expensive, if I set my aims a bit lower in terms of housing, it might work very well.
So, I have a semi-plan. Now patience and organization. The only question remains: Is it far away enough, or should I look into leaving the UK completely? This is my second option, but it is not as easy...
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Post by alisay on Jul 29, 2014 9:25:56 GMT
Hi Jeannie,
I know that feeling of being owned. It comes together with being taken for granted, relentless nitpicking critics about anything in your life and complete refusal to understand the word NO.
When my LO was a baby she had reflux, so my home was knee deep in vomit. I do not remember her ever taking the mop and helping me clean up. She would occasionally change the baby (with my assistance, of course) but the bulk of the job was on my shoulders 24/7. Now that she is ok and a sweet little girl, it looks (to the gallery, of course) that she is the mother, not me. Even my mum dares to say that when she brings her back, my LO is more difficult to handle than when she is with us, because she spoils her and never corrects her.
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Post by alisay on Jul 29, 2014 10:35:38 GMT
I did it! I booked 6 days in a hotel for me and my daughter! We are on the warpath now. Wish me luck!
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 29, 2014 12:50:49 GMT
Hey alisay, good for you. You and your daughter deserve a relaxing holiday- and how FUN it will be to have the relaxing hotel room and luxury!!! Well done!!!! And remember whatever she does when she sees you will have a few days at a hotel--- is NOT your problem, your backpack to carry or your responsibility. She is just your sister and has no rights to dictate your life. Expect everything so even if she does nothing - you are ready. When we set boundaries for abusers and manipulative people they often grab into the carnival-costume shelf and out comes the "stone walling/silent treatment/ the sulking, the passive aggressive clown or the openly aggressive one. Either way picture her more like a small, immature 4 year old in the body of a grown woman- throwing temper tantrums. It helped me once to write the name of a family member I was constantly worried about and almost afraid of and for whom I bend over for the longest time- on a piece of paper. Then I told that piece of paper (it is a common therapy technique) what my unmet needs were, what I felt she did wrong, I cried, I yelled (you wanna be alone for that or else the neighbors might look funny the next day ) and then...i slowly, slowly folder 'her' up, into smaller and smaller pieces. I put the piece away somewhere I felt it had no power over me. Seeing her name being fold up into a tiny piece made me feel more powerful. She has NOTHING over you. As for the other job- is it far away enough where you can set physical boundaries? Meaning so that she cannot just stop by every Saturday morning or weekend evening? It sounds like a great chance to have more time with your daughter and have professional kindergardeners look after her. I think it is absolutely out of control that your sister keeps picking YOUR child up whenever it pleases her without informing you. One way to stop that - if/when you are ready to stop giving her that role of the babysitter- is to tell the kindergarten that your sister no longer has visitation rights -- which is your right and by law the kindergarten HAS to comply. That is when/if you ever feel this would be a step you want to take to show her your limits. I believe in you and I believe you will do this and...have some well deserved fun on your holiday! One last note- with her history of pulling your mother into it, be ready- as hard as this might be- to set gentle boundaries also for your mother. You can stress how much you love her, how great of a mom she is for you and has been- how proud you are of her and that this has NOTHING to do with her. That you will be there for your mom. But that you also choose to no longer let your sister get away with her power plays and there is no arguing. And if your sister lets your mom sleep on a couch yet again- ask the hotel for an extra pull out bed in your room- sleep on there yourself and give your mom the nice hotelbed with your daughter- if that should come up. Most hotels do this free of charge and then you three have a nice slumber party up in the hotel, with no grumpy sister in the background. and didnt it feel GOOD to just make a grown up, adult decision without asking her if 'it is ok?'-- the next step is to detach with love so that you do not even think or worry about her reactions. Those are NEVER yours to carry and never ever your responsibility. It is not like she is a wonderful, caring person who puts others first- why would you then. Good luck with the holiday and we are here if you need a good vent should she push her manipulative costumes on you. It helps to imagine they are tiny kids on a stage in a costume- you just cannot take them serious and give them the power over you.
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Post by alisay on Jul 29, 2014 13:13:04 GMT
The other town is two hours away by car, so she could potentially come over every weekend (and I can just see her doing it). I could not give her my home address, but I fear she would find it out in the end. That's why I am considering leaving the UK.
I just realised how sad it is to have to move to another country to avoid one's own sister. I wonder what I did wrong to let it come that far... Then I look back and see that I have given her opportunity after opportunity to have a normal relationship with me and she has thrown them back at my face.
Stop the guilt and move on should be my new motto.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 29, 2014 16:02:11 GMT
If you do move away- I would not even go as far as wondering if you have to leave the country. She will find ways- email, phone, through your mother and 'duties due to her aging back home"- it will never end if you let her gain this space. Of course having the extra distance might also feel good- that is something you have to decide for yourself if it feels right or not.
The 2 hours away sounds like a good compromise overall- far enough to go home if there are health concerns with your mother and a new town and social life and job situation.
Have you ever though about telling her she can NOT just show up without calling and asking for permission IF you choose to move there and set up new boundaries? All you have to do is say one time nicely but assertive that from now on you do not want her to do this. If she continues to do it, there will be consequences such as filing a stalking case if she leaves nasty phone messages or threats (they need to be recorded for the court though)
It might be useful to get a good professional counselor on board when you do choose to get away and set up new rules for her. An ally can be all we need at times to stomp our feet in the ground and say with a firm voice: ENOUGH! Until here and no further.
You do not owe her anything. You have the right to change your mind every second of every day. Your daughter deserves a happy, healthy mom who does not need to fear her own sister. If you cannot stomp the feet in the ground for yourself just yet, do it for her. It might be easier to do for now.
This just came to my mind as well- the relation bill of rights I really like to read when I feel guilt or shame myself about some conflicts around me in my social world:
Relationship Bill of Rights I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. I have a right to follow my own values and standards I have the right to say no and not feel guilty. I have the right to experience and express my feelings. I have the right to feel safe. I have the right to take time for myself. I have the right to change my mind. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to ask for information. I have the right to make mistakes. I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of doing. I have the right to be me and feel good about myself. I have the right to leave conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated I have the right to act only in ways that will promote my dignity and self-respect. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”. I have the right to end the relationship. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems. I have the right to expect honesty from others I have the right to all of my feelings I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgments, or any reason that I choose. I have the right to change and grow. I have the right to be happy. I have the right to make friends and be myself around people. I have the right to be angry at someone I love. I have the right to both experience and let go of fear, guilt, and shame.
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Post by Finally free on Jul 29, 2014 16:31:25 GMT
Hi, I had to fall out with the whole family in order to get away frommy sister and it was still the best thing ive ever done, youre on the right path x
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Post by alisay on Aug 3, 2014 9:55:22 GMT
I just told my sister and her husband that I was going to a hotel on holidays and they, of course, got all offended and have decided that they will not come to the beach apartment after all, since I do not want to be with them. I will have to see if I can cancel the reservation now. In case I cannot, I am telling myself that this is money well spent, although since I was raised not to waste things, this is profoundly revolting to me.
It is official: I am a monster!
My brother in law decided to ask me if I am now going to deny them access to my daughter. The man is quick, I will give him that! Of course, he forced the confrontation because I decided not to lie and tell them the truth: that this was my intention completely. I would have preferred to wait until my mother was back at her own house to try to spare her, but that of course is impossible. I cannot stop her suffering from all this, just try to delay it.
After I confirmed that I was going to deny the access, there came the accusations: After all that they have done for me! I am selfish because I am thinking only of me and not my daughter! I was blackmailing them (that one is false, blackmail implies that I want something from them, and I want nothing!) When I pointed out the name calling of two weeks ago, my sister immediately pointed out that I told her to leave my house (after she called me selfish and other things in front of my daughter!). But she shouting and calling me names is normal discussion and me telling her to leave my house is me being abusive! That one actually was a faux-pas from my sister that gave me strength! I kept my calm and although I feel like a wretch right now!
My brother-in-law was the one laying it thick with the accusations, but I somehow feel that he is relieved, somehow. Why? I do not know...
Well, the war has started now. Wish me strength. I have a plan to sell my house and leave the city in the next months. My nanny, God bless her, knows of my plans and is going to help! Of course, I am her employer and she has to agree with me, but at least she has not deserted me!
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 3, 2014 13:58:46 GMT
Hey alisay,
Wow, they really are one lovely abusive bunch those two. I cannot believe they would take this as far as then cancel their plans to come to the beach apartment. But something tells me they would STILL come anyways. Maybe keep the reservation and have those few days in the hotel- even if the money hurts? I do not trust them and would expect more tactics as the weeks go by.
Hopefully not of course!
Her husband sounds a lot like my abusive Ex- he went from one minor situation, where I simply stated I would give myself more freedom - to "you are leaving me now, aren't you" and then he kept saying that and the whole situation exploded. It is an abuser tactic. There was NO reason for them to assume you 'did not want to be with them'-- it is again them trying to put toxic shame on you, make you feel guilty for something you did not even do.
All you did was being a logical, down to earth mother- assuming the apartment would get too crowded and - you acted as a caring daughter, not wanting your mother to sleep on a couch at her age again.
Some relationships are toxic and dysfunctional- and it sounds like your sister and her husband do a great job at being miserable to each other and others. It is NOT your burden to carry.
If they do ANYTHING odd about your daughter, please keep in mind every morning when you wake up: This is MY child, I gave birth to her, I am the MOTHER and legal caretaker. These people have no right to take her from daycare- and if you inform the kindergarten etc. that only you or the maid may pick her up, they cannot legally give her to them.
Now I would have a talk with your daughter maybe- to try and explain it to her- so that she feels it is NOT about her. I can see your sister trying to use her to play pity party aunt- and maybe a good child psychologist might be available via the phone or for a few sessions with you and her to talk about best practices on how to handle this. (depending on your daugher's age she will have certain cognitive skills available and the older she gets, of course the easier it is to use language to explain this) But most importantly- I believe the number one thing for a child of any age- is to feel her mommy is happy.
She WILL feel the relaxed environment she is about to move to- she will feel that peace and she will grow older and understand.
You do a great job and I am so happy to hear you set healthy boundaries for you and your baby! She will learn from that- as children imitate our behavior more than our words anyways, and if mommy is a strong woman, who takes good care of herself, she too has much higher chances to grow into a young girl with strong self esteem and healthy boundaries.
No more manipulations. We are here if you need to vent. For now, deep breaths, just know by default you are in charge anyways already!!!! You are the mother. Period. No discussion needed beyond this point with them.
Yes - they helped with babysitting- and that was nice. You thanked them. Things changed-if they choose to play martyr now, lettem have it and enjoy their own dysfunctional soup. You do not owe them eternal gratefulness or favors back. That is NOT how love works.
Hang in there, give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up- but deep down know you are in charge and safe and strong.
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Post by alisay on Aug 3, 2014 16:01:54 GMT
Hi Janine,
As accurate as usual! I came back from an outing and they told me that they are going to the apartment anyway. Although I guess that this is my mother's doing. She was complaining that they were the only ones who knew about who the cleaners were (big deal, they got that by pestering the apartment administrator, who almost resigned last year because he was fed-up with my sister) and I am sure that she convinced them to "make the sacrifice" and come anyway. So I am the double monster now and they are the double saints. Goodie!
Good thinking about my daughter and some child psychology. She is not yet 3, but I am sure that she will miss them when we leave. I should be prepared to help her cope.
I am feeling stronger now, and still determined to go ahead as planned not only with the holidays but with the rest of the plan. I have been reading a bit on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it might fit my sister. Not all, but some. If it is (and I am reluctant to do psychological diagnosis from internet) it is very difficult to change their behavior unless they decide to seek help themselves (and they only do that AFTER their behavior makes them lose jobs, friends and family) and they usually only learn to be more empathetic and controlled, but there isn't any miracle cure. And she will not seek help since her husband and my mother enable her.
Thanks for the support. I will keep you posted with more news, hopefully better ones.
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