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Post by sonshine on Jul 13, 2014 13:07:17 GMT
I'm sorry for not being here to maybe help be of support to others. I don't feel like I should be back here posting my problems if I can't be here for others as well. But I really don't know what to do or where to go. Everything has become triggers for my anxiety. I can't be here and read about all the things that happen to people and I am very very sorry for that. But, I need help. I have all this stuff inside and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to get it all out. It is getting worse. Not better. I have gotten this screamer inside my head. It started small a few months ago, but it is getting worse. Sometimes the thoughts telling me what to do are very vivid and overwhelming. It started out screaming and hiding, but recently had turned more suicidal. I don't like those thoughts. I want to live and be happy but I am losing hope. I can't handle life alone, but I can't handle it with my husband either, even when things with him haven't been that bad. I question my ability to determine what really happened and what my broken mind actually created within itself. Maybe it was only my brokenness that caused my problems and not him. But I know I can pinpoint specific incidents where he was exceedingly cruel and those I know I didn't create. I don't have anybody else in my life though. Almost two years and I have no closer friends. I am still on my own, except for him. He is the only help and support I have. He has been staying here with me for the past month, instead of just the weekend visits it has been the rest of the time. He has surgery and needed help for a couple weeks, so I agreed he should stay with us. He hasn't left. Now, he is talking that he wants to stay here for good. I am too weak to make it on my own. I need help. But, I know I will eventually have a price to pay. He has been helping me. He just doesn't like it if I lay down while he is up or if I want to go out somewhere without him, because he misses me and wants us to be together. Just now he was a tiny bit perturbed because I am up but still laying in bed and I didn't tell him I was awake. He is making breakfast and I wanted time to come on here and write some thoughts out.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 13, 2014 15:48:23 GMT
Hey sonshine! It is so good to hear from you and I am glad you find this a safe place to share your thoughts with.
And NOBODY expects you to be there for others or post and reply to others or even read their posts. The nice thing about a safe place is that YOU feel safe, that YOU are being heard and you can express what you might not be able to express with friends, family etc. for now.
So feel free to post as much or as little as you like, feel free to read or not read other posts or to also take breaks from the forum or even never come back. Whatever YOU feel is best for you: THAT is what we would like to encourage! Empower yourself and listen to your own gut.
I agree with you that now might be a good time to involve some help. Have you thought about contacting a counselor in your area? If you cannot afford one on your insurance right now, there is TONS of free, good counseling out there. You can google beforehand “red flag/warning signs’ for counselors to get an idea of what NOT to expect and what to expect. Picking the right counselor can be intimidating but there are many good ones out there, and you have the right to say NO to one that might not feel right as your first pick. I have had friends who tried two out and then settled with a third, I have friends who stayed, like me, with their first pick and had great experiences.
Now one thing I was wondering with that “screamer” you described, that is definitely a situation where you want professional mental health support. That goes beyond something you want to be left alone with. So let us know what the research for free counseling produced- the women’s shelters in your area also have to have free counseling nowadays and depending which country you are in regular counseling is almost always available at a reasonable price or even completely covered.
It IS essential to reach out to professionals when you feel suicidal and like you cannot go on alone anymore. There is NO shame in this. You are being very strong for reaching out and asking for help.
I also get the feeling your husband is applying the typical abuser strategies yet again. He simply moved back in for good without an invitation to do so and he is already controlling and dictating you what to do, getting his control back over every aspect of your life. He is overly jealous by not wanting to let you go out alone, using the typical abuser excuse: “I just love you so much I want to be with you at all times.” A normal man loves his wife or girlfriend and loves spending time with her, but a normal man also understand EVERY couples needs balance, friends and time of their own.
By the way you have read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft already, right? The situations you described reminded me a ton of some chapters in the book how abusers never change and how they slowly creep back into your life if you allow them to. No contact really is the only way to heal.
Let us know how the search for counseling went and please always know that there ARE suicide hotlines. You have to call one if the urge to harm yourself becomes too loud and you can remain anonymous with them. I am even thinking if your husband does not give you much time alone you can use a white lie here and tell him that you need counseling because you think “you cause the problems and want to work on yourself” --- again this IS a lie but it might be the only way he let’s you go to counseling or so….we have had women before who had to do that to even be allowed to leave the house or use a phone.
He is about controlling you. He wants to break you. No wonder you feel like you are broken at times!
Just know deep deep down he NEVER will get the best of you. You are just hiding your inner light and your gifts for now because they know it is not safe to come out. When he leaves your life and you have a support net back up through counseling, new friends, maybe a new city or job etc. it will feel different.
We are here, looking forward to your next post!
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Post by sonshine on Jul 13, 2014 17:45:22 GMT
I have read the book a couple years ago. I'm not capable of rereading it right now. I can't really even read books for pleasure any more because all good books have conflict and it throws me back to a bad place.
I'm not sure there is much help in my local area. I did just start with a new counselor. I've gone one time and she seems ok. The week leading up to that appointment I had several nightmares about my previous counselor because she did more harm to my life than good. I don't go back until I think the 24 th of July because she is on vacation. At least after I got the first appointment over the nightmares about my previous counselor stopped. There is a crisis line and crisis center but I don't think I can go there. I work for that company, although I work in the developmental disabilities department, I can't get counseling from people who are technically co-workers, even though I'm in a completely different building across town for work. I know of none other. I called the domestic abuse shelter months ago and they only offer counseling for women living in their shelter. I know of no other place for abuse counseling. My company sends people to the shelter for that kind of help.
I just know I need help and don't really know how to get it. July 24th seems like an eternity right now. The screamer, I know why it's there, why he's in my head, but feel helpless to vanquish him. The more hollow I become the more space he takes up. On some level I know it is all me and only me inside my head, but it has become to feel like two separate entities. I'm not schizophrenic. Just broken.
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Post by sonshine on Jul 13, 2014 18:44:10 GMT
I think i have trouble asking for help because i feel like i don't deserve it. i have no right to ask anybody for anything. i am the empty hollow girl that people easily overlook. of course from my childhood I learned to try to be obscure and not draw attention to myself. Ive learned that attention from others usually doesn't end well for me. It never has. That still doesn't stop me from wanting from wishing I was worthy enough for someone to love me just for who I am and not expect anything, just me to be me. I have yet to figure out what exactly makes me so objectionable.
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Post by DeepRoots on Jul 13, 2014 22:36:41 GMT
Sonshine,
I have been there..., and I survived ...go and talk to a prayer ministry in a church ...go as many times as you feel low...I felt once very depressed and the church had two ladies visiting with me three times each till I could see a counselor ...after that I went to a different smaller church and people loved on me, in a small home group...let yourself be loved by people for a while, as you abuser might give you some things but not real love to build you up ..that took me over the difficult time ..I had medication too, but not for long...also it helps to read the posts at cryingoutforjustice.com ..but this has been more recent ...every day I read and get more truth in my mind and heart about my abuser husband...little by little it sets me free to be happy without him, even as I am still married to him...I am learning to be content without needing him ( today he just told me I was a horror) and to know it's not me, it's him.
No, it's not you, it's him.
Whatever there is that is a need for work in you, it does not produce the abuse, and it's never deserved. Jesus loves you and He has so much better for you, if you 'll trust Him! This shall pass. I can't tell you how hugely better I am than eight years ago when the depression happened to me. Even as at that time I couldn't see it , I did get better and accomplished so much, made new friends , rediscovered my many qualities ( yup) and became able to not give in to him...as he had trained me.
That person is toxic to you, but I'll pray that Jesus gives you the peace and strength to turn to Him , and what HE has for you, not what the abuser wants out of you.
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Post by sonshine on Jul 14, 2014 2:28:23 GMT
Thank you Deep roots and Janine. I did locate a number today to call. A local da crisis number. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I call though and really didn't find it all that helpful. I gave some details about things. I was told to get him too leave, file for divorce and call legal aid for help. I kinda already know that stuff, so it didn't help much for the here and now.
I don't know what a prayer ministry is. I grew up going to a church that had like 15-20 members and they were usually divided and could never agree on anything. I do have a good faith but don't really go to church- -- seems like a lot of drama that I don't need. I can't imagine anyone wanting to help me anyway. Why would they???
I am trying to reach out. That is why I'm here. I just feel so stuck against a wall that it all seems so hopeless. I can write down what is in my head much easier than verbalizing it. Just don't give up on me.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 14, 2014 14:06:19 GMT
It is very understandable that you feel uncomfortable seeing coworkers if you seek support from your workplace related office.
At the same time before it gets too bad and intolerable for yourself, I would say trust the counselor there that he/she HAS to follow certain work ethics and is NOT allowed by law to share what you talk about with him/her.
I too had to seek counseling at the health center of a former employer, a major university, before and felt VERY conflicted about it. I was so scared my own students would see me in the waiting room or some coworker might walk by/walk in...it was not an easy thing to do. BUT at that time my insurance only covered counseling from just that one office. I decided that the pain I was hiding inside and trying to deal with myself was not worth the shame I felt to go there.
And I put aside a little white lie in case someone I knew would see me. But then that never even happened! I was all worried for nothing and had a wonderful counselor who helped me so much. Had I run into anyone I knew I would have said I am seeking counseling in regards of my fear of spiders. Which I DO have in reality but I really do not need counseling for it. I just seemed easier to have one white lie as excuse ready for anyone else. The counselor herself of course knew why I was there.
Again, it is never easy to reach out. I even now at my second counselor years later, after a break from counseling for some time, I started feeling odd the first few times waiting in the waiting area and I did not want to tell my friends I am seeing a counselor. But once I did open up, it turned out so many others had been to counseling too and I ended up even recommending my counselor to a good friend and now her and I share sometimes techniques he used to see how we both move along in the healing process, exciting stuff!
I am glad you are seeing one counselor already. If for some reason you really cannot find another place/counseling office to go to, and you do find yourself having a very bad moment, it is always ok to go to a hospital too. They offer emergency counseling and often offer 24-72 hours of support for people in distress. This could be anything from light sedatives to help you sleep or if the depression is very bad, they can speed up the process to get you a proper therapist and medication for now and maybe also some much needed time away from your abusive husband/partner.
There is help and sometimes just pushing yourself through that short time of discomfort is all you need to reach out to local, mental health professionals. You can also check if there is something outside of your town-even if it means one hour driving or so. If you really cannot get yourself to the counseling center that is connected to your workplace.
A shelter can also pick you up from your place if things just start to feel unbearable and you can take a break and some time to breathe at the shelter.
It really is ultimately up to you. What kind of life do you want- what decisions need to be made to get this life as a result....etc.
Nobody else can tell you what the right way to walk is. We can all only reflect on the details you share and let you know that HE is the abuser and you have nothing to be ashamed of. And that leaving is the only way to really heal, because with him in your life the trauma continues.
you are strong and can get through this. keep reaching out and see how counseling helps once your therapist is back from her vacation.
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Post by Finally free on Jul 14, 2014 17:53:15 GMT
Hi sonshine, keep reaching out and looking for what you need...unconditional support and love are out there and you deserve it...break free, once you leave abuse all those things you may not think you deserve or can even have are out there....believe me, I know, take care.
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Post by DeepRoots on Jul 14, 2014 18:18:38 GMT
Usually non- denominational churches , having a very large number of people attending , have people that could pray for anyone who calls ..kind of like your hotline....they might give you advice like the hot line...but mainly what they can give you is HOPE. They will care because GOD cares , and while it is not at all what YOU feel right now, it is true. Prayer is helping the spirit get rest. And one person praying with you will lead possibly to a group of people ..then some good friends in time...some help along the journey. Large churches like that have ministries for the abused women or divorce after care...it is making it easier ..to see Gods love for you and slowly to understand you are worth so much to Him. What you feel, not being worth of people's attention, might have started with you being ignored while a child...but God is a good parents, He never ignores a person that cries out to Him...so I think you ...need to know Him... Going to church seems like trouble ...but think it as a place where God can reach and speak to You tru His people. They WOULD be helping you, because...they know that Jesus loves them so much so they are now loving all people just like Him. Love is not about how worthy a person is, love IS. And someone who is truly belonging to Jesus would be having that love,...Jesus loves us all and honestly we are all undeserving. I'd pray ..God lead me to a church where I will get help, if you don't know where to go. Counseling is help too...just get all the help you can  ...it's more important now for you to have several people speak truth to you , bc what else can you fight that feeling of unworthiness with ? This is a battle for your mind and heart and spirit ..and life . |
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Post by sonshine on Jul 15, 2014 1:21:47 GMT
Janine, I believe it is company policy that we can't receive counseling from our co-workers. Not my discomfort level. They do have EAP. Employee assistance program where they refer you to another agency for like 6 sessions or something. I am trying very hard to reach out. I called my counselors office today to see if she was still on vacation. She is back and I have an appointment tomorrow at 4pm. I know I probably need medication at this point, but I have MAJOR anxiety over taking any thing. Just the thought of taking medication puts me into a major anxiety attack to the point it triggers the screamer in my head.
I want to be free I really do, but many fear response runs so deep, too deep for me to break away. I had planned on doing so, breaking free, filling for divorce, last September and I ended up in the hospital for 3 days after having anxiety induced pseudo seizures. I was a week the whole month. I lost about 11 pounds because I was afraid to eat. I thought my food was going to cause anaphylactic shock and kill me. Same fear I have with medication. I still struggle with my food, but have my regular things I eat and stick with those.
What you describe deep roots sounds like heaven. I don't know if any churches offer anything like that here. I think I would fall apart if someone actually did that for me. I had to leave the office to cry last year when a co-worker brought me back a key chain from her beach vacation. If someone actually stepped in to give me support like that I'd be a blubbering wreck.
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Post by sonshine on Jul 18, 2014 14:39:31 GMT
I'm having more anxiety today. I did get him to go home 2 days ago. My mom had to stay the night with me, so that is the excuse I used to get him to go....not enough room. He has been short with me ever since. The first couple days my anxiety was better. Today it is back. I got a refund from my employer where they had been overcharging me on my health insurance. A nice amount. Enough to give my mom some money, buy 4 tires for my car, buy my boys some school stuff and get me a new mattress set. But, today I am having so much more anxiety. I think it is because I am going to spend money. No matter it is my money. He didn't tell this is what we need, diidnt approve the purchases. So I am doing something non approved and it is causing horrible anxiety. on top of him not being happy with me righr now anyway. How do I shake tji anxiety??!!
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Post by sonshine on Jul 18, 2014 18:31:14 GMT
It may sound crazy, but I have not really been let to have fun unless it was with my husband. or spend money, of course he usually preferred me not to work so it was always his money to begin with. He never said I couldn't have fun but normally the repercussions from him later were enough to keep me from doing anything fun without him. Therefore i don't really have any memories of fun stuff in which he wasn't front and center of whatever activity we were doing. He was always in charge andgot upset with me if i did fun stuff without him. So, one question i have caught going through my head is how will i ever have any fun in my life again? The anxiety comes on so badly aanymore. It has been a means of prersonal wellbeing for so long. I so desperately want to be happy and move on with life. Stopping doing thesse things that I have done for so long tseems so hard annd terrifying when it is all stuff people. just do and never think twice about it. Yet simply going to buy something. for myself. feels. equivalence. to swimming with sharks. One
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Post by sonshine on Jul 24, 2014 15:51:39 GMT
I found a group to join. It starts up August 4. My counselor recommended I call there. It isn't in my town. There are none here. There should be, but there isn't. So, this group is in the neighboring state, in a town about 25 minutes from here. Kind of anxious, but hoping it is a way to pull myself up and out of this mess.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 24, 2014 16:18:20 GMT
That is great to hear!
I hope too it will be a good, supportive group and that you experience it as something positive on your healing road.
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Post by Jean812 on Jul 25, 2014 7:09:00 GMT
Wow, sonshine the voices in the head. I really think I get what you mean. I had those tormenting bad thoughts after every relationship. Doesn't matter if the relationship lasted two weeks, two months or 10 years. If we are talking about the same thing. I also hate being alone. My situation is that men don't respect me. I am happy with them for the first minute, but then they make me miserable and I'm still complaining about the mistreatment 10 years later.
Being alone is really a talent. Cause either you are miserable alone as a lot of people are, or some people know how to be very happy with living alone. I just started learning how to live alone. It's been going on for sometime, but I am finally getting the hang of it (a bit) But, I live in the woods. I can run my chainsaw and cut/split wood. But, if your in a apartment or house on city lot, not enough to do to learn to be alone. I don't know how to advise on that one.
When I was with my ex-boyfriend Chuck, eBay became my boyfriend. I was so lost and lonely being with Chuck it was such an empty relationship. I found my social life by going to garage sales to find stuff to sell on eBay. I had found my passion. I actually made enough money to keep my kids in school activities. See, West Allis, Wisconsin (where I was living) charged a LOT OF MONEY for school activities for kids. My eBay sales covered it. I think eBay saved my sanity! It's just a thought. Jeannie
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...it's more important now for you to have several people speak truth to you , bc what else can you fight that feeling of unworthiness with ?