|
Post by brownie on Jul 11, 2014 14:49:16 GMT
I'm feeling very hurt and confused right now and would really like a voice of reason. My husband was away for a few days, he didn't tell me why he was going away but came home around 3 am. Woke me up ranting and raving about me being unfaithful to him saying things like I trusted you and thought you loved me obviously you don't. Why are you even here? I have done everything to give you a beautiful home and everything you have ever wanted yet you insist on hurting me. You are such a horrible person so ungrateful and on and on for over an hour. I then had to get up and make him breakfast.
I continued to reassure him I have never been unfaithful and I do appreciate him. He said we will see. That has me scared. He went to bed and is still sleeping this am.
Do I confess I had my kids over while he was gone? I think that's what he was talking about. I'm trying to do everything I can to keep him happy I'm baking him his favorite cake and making his favorite dinner. If I can get him to see I do love him I'm hoping what he was thinking will go away.
im sorry I try so hard when I post to do it factually but not sure how to handle this. How can I show him I do love him and have never been unfaithful to him. Well never been unfaithful in regards to another man. I have been unfaithful in regards to obeying him. But I try really hard not to. I just wish he would see what I do for him daily. I'm so confused because I love my children so much and not seeing them hurts me so much. I also love my husband and feel like my heart is ripped in half. I understand his point I did disobey him I see how that could hurt him. I also can't see myself telling my children to go away and never come back.
im not sure what that means for me. I don't know I'm rambling sorry.
please please give me your thoughts what can I say to him to make this better? brownie
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Jul 11, 2014 16:11:20 GMT
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Again, what husband or God would want a mother to not see her babies? I can only say not the God you read about in the bible. That God would NEVER ask you to choose between a man or your babies you carried under your heart.
He would also not support a husband asking such cruel things of his wife.
If you look back, you have tried. Endlessly! It is never going to get better. Your husband will keep abusing you for as long as you allow it. He uses the bible - I want to say- ABUSES the bible! To treat you like a slave. It will never help to ask yourself "why does he do that" because he then you lose focus about what YOU deserve, your unmet needs, your own life. Why would his life be worth more than that of your children or yours?
No god prefers one human being over another. You are worthy, you have purpose. You matter!!!
The woman in me wants to scream: RUN, get help, force yourself through the withdrawal period after leaving when you miss him. This is NOT love, it is codependent abuse, you are traumatized and suffer from PTSD. RUN and stay safe when you leave.
....but the former victim of DV in me knows it is just not that easy.....
Whatever you do, we are here. Stay safe, keep it safe at all times, and keep in touch with your kids. They seem to have been great support before and will be your connection to our healthy world out here.
I believe in you.
|
|
|
Post by Finally free on Jul 11, 2014 16:37:09 GMT
Hi Brownie, I pray that you will find the courage and strength so leave this abuse and see your beautiful children...they need to come before anyone else. Stay safe x
|
|
|
Post by kseiff on Jul 12, 2014 5:09:15 GMT
Hi Brownie, I know you love him and want to make things better, but the problem is he doesn't want them better. He wants to be in control by making you second guess everything. I know this is a hard concept to grasp. You don't want to believe someone that you love and believes loves you would purposefully do hurtful things, but that's exactly what he's doing. He knows you haven't been unfaithful, at least not in having an affair. You've seen your children because you WANT to see them because that's what a good mother DOES: She wants to care for her children. There is nothing wrong with that. Again: THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. SEEING. YOUR. CHILDREN. Sorry if it seems I was shouting; I just want you to see it in big, bold letters so you can tell that to yourself. He doesn't want you to see your children or anyone else that can help you because then he loses the control. We love you Brownie and are here for you.
|
|
|
Post by brownie on Jul 12, 2014 18:44:58 GMT
Well I'm not sure what to say. Husband still not happy I'm doing my best to help anyway I can.
I am feeling bad posting here because I should never take advice from anyone outside my church, I'm unequally yoked. I'm wondering if that is really the root of the problem. But I also love being able to come and share my thoughts and getting advice. Looks like I'll be starting therapy again with my pastor.
I'm going to just say it, I really don't want to the thought makes me sick. I'm trying to think of a convincing way to convince my husband I don't need it. He did know about the kids coming over and feels very hurt and betrayed by me. Hurt that he has put so much time and energy into me never giving up and I quickly betray at the first chance. I do feel bad About disobeying him but I can't not see my children. It's just so difficult.
Any suggestions I would appreciate them I need all the help I can get in the wife department. Brownie
|
|
|
Post by kseiff on Jul 12, 2014 21:37:17 GMT
Brownie there's nothing wrong with taking advice from others. You're NOT unequally yoked because we're all human beings here to help each other. You are, however, unequally yolked in that you're with a person who doesn't care about you or want the best for you. It should NEVER come down to a choice between your children or your husband. The only thing he's put time and energy into is controlling you. He's done nothing to better himself and the way he treats you. I feel sad and scared for you Brownie because nobody deserves to be treated this way. Please stay safe and DON'T be afraid to keep posting!
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Jul 12, 2014 22:51:20 GMT
Maybe if for now you do not feel comfortable talking about leaving or about your husband, how about you share with us how the visit of your children went by if that feels a bit easier? Was it fun? I am sure they were SO happy to see you! Did you get to hear a bit about their life outside of the cult you are living in right now? I am sure there was so much to talk about and the time must have flown by!! I am VERY happy for you that you got to see your babies, even if they are now both grown up and maybe have their own families already? It was a son and daughter, if I remember correctly from your old posts on our previous board?
I am always very happy when I get to see people that mean a lot to me and whom I haven't seen in a while. Makes my heart smile!!
|
|
|
Post by orange on Jul 12, 2014 23:40:32 GMT
Hey brownie,
I am glad you got to see your children. What reason does your husband give you that you shouldn't see them? x
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
|
Post by steve on Jul 14, 2014 4:16:19 GMT
Hi, Brownie!
Anyone who feels "hurt and betrayed" because children visit their mom is either crazy or evil. Certainly, no true Christian would ever take such a warped attitude. Jesus was very big on connecting with children and sharing love. What Christian reason is there why you shouldn't have visits with you own kids? The answer, I'm afraid, is because he thinks they'll help you remember that he is mistreating you and that there is no justification for his behavior. He is isolating and controlling you. I know, they are giving you that garbage about "obeying your husband." But remember that the Bible says that "the man is the head of the woman as Christ is the head of the Church." So they are supposed to be taking on Christ's role - can you imagine Jesus preventing a mom from seeing her kids? Or starving someone? Or locking them in a house? Or forcing sexual acts on them? You know He would not do that.
Your husband is way out of line. You are doing nothing wrong by talking to them, nor by talking to us. You should be free to do whatever the Holy Spirit guides you to do. In fact, your feelings of revulsion at the so-called "lessons" with the so-called "Pastor" are most likely the Holy Spirit telling you that they are up to no good.
We've talked in the past about how you feel when you are in tune with God and the Holy Spirit - you feel good, calm, peaceful, focused. Anxiety, anger, fear, all of these things are caused by being separated from your true self and your connection to the Spirit - it is your inner voice protesting against what you know is WRONG. So I know you might have to do these things to be safe, but NEVER think that you need to do them because God wants you to. Remember the Christian church you visited when you were living with your son? Remember how that felt? THAT is Christianity. Your pastor is a fraud and a very evil man. If there is a Satan, he's in league with your pastor. You do NOT need to be guided by what they say. Be guided instead by the Spirit, by the Word of God that lives inside you. You know it's there, and you have acted on it often, especially as regards your kids.
And by the way, I know your kids went through hell, but that was NOT because of you. It was because of your husband's evil behavior. You and the love you gave them is the reason they are sane and healthy today. You are very courageous and tough, and did the right thing by them despite everything.
Now the question is, do you deserve to do the right thing by yourself?
I am so glad to hear you're still doing OK. Let me know how else I can help.
---- Steve
|
|
|
Post by brownie on Jul 24, 2014 23:45:42 GMT
Janine yes son and daughter and no, they have no children. Neither of them are married. But they are wonderful!!! My son is finished with college and doing well I'm so proud of him! My daughter is going back to school next month I'm so excited she is. However she is going far away, felt it would be safest that way. We had such a great visit. Played cards, I made them dinner, watched a movie. A perfect day.
Steve I do remember what it is like to visit a wonderful church. I don't know if I deserve to do the right thing by myself. I don't even understand that as stupid as that sounds.
Well I don't have long it's Thursday night gotta go. Thanks always for listening. Maybe one day we can talk about leaving. I do think about it.
Brownie
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Jul 25, 2014 1:32:36 GMT
It's all good Brownie. Keep in mind we do not want to force you to leave. We are just a safe place where you can share how you feel without being judged. We understand.
Stay safe and I hope one day you can have more of those normal evenings with your kids and live a happy, safe life.
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Jul 25, 2014 5:56:04 GMT
To Brownie,
I just typed you a really long post and then my pinky finger touched a wrong button and all was lost...!
I wanted to tell you that I was married to man who sounds a lot like your husband. I gotta ask you at what price to your health and well being is it worth to stay in a bad situation like that? I'm not saying my husband was exactly like yours, just it sounds familiar. Like accusing you of cheating, when it's him cheating. My husband would rape me in my sleep. The more I fought him off he said I must be cheating. He really didn't understand why any women wouldn't want to be raped by him. He took to threats. Told me PUT OUT OR HE GO GET IT ELSEWHERE. Of course you know he got it elsewhere too. He would pin women against the wall to smile in her face and sweet talk her. Our kids would say Mom, What is Dad Doing to That Lady? Mom, What is Dad Doing?
My husband was so controlling. Not only did he do the usual controlling of money, controlling the parenting, (like many BAD marriages go through) but he even wanted to control how often I use the bathroom or shower. He even told me how much toilet paper I'm allowed to use and told me I have to fold it a certain way before using it. He even tried to quiz me to see if I was doing it right. But, this didn't last long cause he had more important control issues. He was conning his mother out of money. It was so easy! His mother loved to buy love! All he had to do was call her and say I spent all the money and he instantly had her money in his pocket. Large chunks of money! He said I spent the rent money. So now he's got $650.00 of her money in his pocket. She'd call me up screaming and demanding to know what I did with all the money. His mother loved this game. She loved to enable and bribe him for love, and she loved the drama. Cause he never called her to say hi mom, need anything? He only called her for money and he blamed it on me every time. He was so sneaky that I was never present in room when he called her for money, so I was always caught off guard when she'd call to scream at me. She always called when he wasn't home, or I would have passed the phone to him. It was all so crafted! by both of them!
The pizza dough. This was not too far off from the day I got restraining order on him. I was kneading pizza dough and took off my wedding ring cause it was getting gunked-up with gooey dough. I made home-made pizza for supper. I forgot to put my wedding ring on, cause I was so busy. He noticed the moment he walked through the door that I didn't have my ring on. He was in the face accusing me of cheating saying that if you don't wear your wedding ring you are cheating. Well, he never wore his wedding ring though our 10-year marriage. He wore his ring on his keychain. He just accidentally admitted that he was cheating on me for 10 years cause HE SAID! That is What it Means if You Don't Wear Your Wedding Ring!! And, notice how fast he is checking the ring finger?? Who walks through the door and looks at their spouse's hand to see the wedding ring? after 10 years of marriage? It almost sounds like romantic, but there is nothing romantic about being a piece of property. That is all my ring meant to him. It marked his territory. He put his mark on me. Branded like cattle.
Grocery store: I gotta include this one to show how sneaky and quick he was to check women's ring finger. We were at grocery store to return movies and do a little grocery shopping. We had just stepped into the store when he spotted a young women in line to return her movies. He was so quick! He grabbed the movies out of my hand without saying a word. I thought Yeah, he's trying a last ditch effort to convince me out of divorcing him... since when does he drop the movies in the drop box? It was always my job to drop the movies in the drop box....NOPE!!! He got in line behind that young woman and he pinned her. He actually used his body and hands to secure her. He had a big smile on his face and he was trying to turn her around to face him. She didn't know what was happening. She was struggling and she was protesting louder and louder. Finally he just shot out of there and disappeared into a crowd. I caught up with him at the back of the store by the butcher counter. He was looking at the meats in the display case like it was the most fascinating thing he ever saw. IT was a ploy. He was hoping not to be arrested. Cause we never bought meat from the butcher counter, he said it is too expensive, we had to buy our meat from the stock shelf. Oh,,,, My point is how quickly he must have checked this girls ring finger cause how did he know that her big husband would NOT be coming around the corner?? He scoped out her finger and saw no ring and he was ON HER! He is a rapist.
I got off track. I started out making some good points but, I get so emotionally involved with what I went through that I get off track.
My husband wanted to go through marriage counseling, but only after he realized I wasn't changing my mind about the divorce. We did go through the counseling but all it did was promote him to be worse than he was. He really thought the marriage counselor would convince me to PUT UP WITH IT. And, yes the marriage counselor did try. That guy didn't get a rats behind about me and our kids dealing with the abuse, that guy just wanted me to SHUT-UP and PUT UP WITH IT, and leave him good feedback. After the third or fourth? appointment? I was so tired of that counselor telling me to shape-up or don't come back, that I didn't go back.
Switching topics: ABout counseling with a clergy man. I was with my youngest son's dad and went through premarital counseling. That was bad too. It was bad, but I got to voice the reasons why I shouldn't marry the guy. I didn't trust my son's dad, Andy. I knew he would try to pull my house from under my feet and here is this minister demanding that we marry. Cause he said he has no sinners in his church. Well, that is all about him. That has nothing to do with keeping a roof over my head and my children's head. Andy complained that I don't cook good enough or clean good enough or give enough sex. The minister really wanted to focus on these points. I said Andy is on the couch. He works part-time if at all. He has all the time in the world to focus on his needs and wants. This minister didn't want to hear it. He said a man has to have sex. A man expects his house clean, and decent food on table. And, he also told me if I don't want to work this out, then don't come back. Andy was running my household with blind folds on. He was a tyrant. He didn't like my kids, really didn't like me either. He wanted us to be his slaves. He would play games while I was busy cleaning. Games like pulling the coats off the hooks on basement stairs so when I'm walking up stairs with baskets of laundry I got all the coats on stairs to pick up. Or he would empty the kids piggy bank on living room floor as I'm getting ready to vaccum. He always managed to distract me so I never saw him empty the piggy bank on floor, but it was him. My kids rarely came downstairs when he lived with me. The cats lived upstairs too. Then Andy thought he would put me in the basement. He came at me all crazy eyed to attempt to talk me into starting my own business and starting with me sitting in the basement all day, staring at that ugly basement wall, thinking of ideas of a business. So the kids and the cats live upstairs and now he wants me to live in the basement. Guess he gets the main space. I gotta tell ya that the minister found a church which offered him a very handsome salary. He dropped that old church in a blink. He no longer cared about any lingering sinners. He was off to the races to get that million dollar job!!!!
And, to think that this minister was trying to force me with a man who would destroy me, and my kids, while that minister never would have suffered the consequences. He was looking for the million dollar job! and he found it! He ditched everyone at his former church. I know cause me and Andy went to that church one day to hear that Rob packed up and left and ran off to his new million dollar church job. His former parishioners were not happy with him. And, they were NO LONGER acting politically correct. They were that upset with Rob.
|
|