Getting ready to leave this week-very scared

You are NOT stabbing him in the back! (Though that is a very common feeling survivors often experience.) You gave him every opportunity to understand your position and come up with an amicable way to separate, and instead of doing so, he has escalated to ridiculous levels of verbal and emotional abuse. He has given you no choice but to do this quietly while he is away, and while he of course will complain that you are being "sneaky", he has really left you no other choice, other than to live forever with his blaming and bullying.

And you are so right about it NOT being unconscious. This is an intentional campaign to make you feel as awful as possible about leaving, as well as to terrify you as to what he might do if you did leave, all in the interests of keeping you around so he can kick you some more. As to scarring your daughter, the research is very clear that while most kids do better with two parents, in situations where one parent is abusing the other, kids actually do much better when the parents are no longer living together. Or to put it another way, I've never met someone as an adult who said that they wish their abusive parents had stayed together because their separation was so scarring. But I have known dozens who have said they wish their protective parent had left the abusive partner years before.

You are doing the right thing, and it takes a ton of courage to do so. You need to be prepared that the abuse will not end when you leave - most likely, he will do everything he can to guilt trip you, including pleas, threats of suicide, threats to take your daughter, promises to go to counseling, and whatever else you can imagine. All of it is strategic and not to be believed. If he really wants to change things, he can go to counseling while you are apart, and you can see if his behavior changes after six months or a year of hard work. But odds are, he'll never do anything he promises if you give in, because the only point of these promises is to get you to relent in your very rational decision to separate.

Hang in there and keep on posting if you can. This is a tough time but you can get through it. You are obviously a brave and resourceful woman, and you have lots of people now who can support you. You can do this!

--- Steve

Phoenix, the shelters WILL help you, do not give up. You can also use a public phone to call them before or ask a friend to do it for you (so he does not find out what you are up to)

It is AMAZING that you have so much insight to understand you have come from an abused background and want your daughter to live a safe life. What an amazing MOTHER!!!!

I just talked to a friend of mine who lost her kids yesterday when her abuser called the cops- after he started a huge fight. He told police SHE was the hysterical one and needed to be hospitalized....now she is realizing it will be about keeping her babies or losing them if she stays with him. You take the safety steps right now to avoid those situations.

Give yourself credit for it. We are here. You are not alone!!!!

Hey phoenix,

SO good to hear from you! I was thinking about you and how this week would go, as you mentioned that you had started to make plans to leave.
For now just know that this time right after leaving IS the hardest. It DOES get better and courts nowadays are VERY aware of the fact emotional abuse and domestic violence happen, how abusers try and look like the "good guy" and how important it is to give mothers custody.

It is also very normal to feel guilt or pain about seeing your daughter miss her father. It only shows you have really tried hard to protect her from his abuse and she still sees a father figure in him. Which in itself is a good thing for now. One thing you can also be assured about is the fact that ALL children love and miss their parents. Even those who used to beat them up badly and abuse them for years!!! It is genetics...and biology. Children are SO vulnerable and only have their parents to survive during those first important years. My brother used to be beaten up badly and emotionally abused by our father (especially emotionally) and he too still loved him and wanted to see him after my mother finally left.

We BOTH now thank her that she did leave. It was not easy. She was a single mother of two and also had moved to a different country for her husband, our father. But it was the BEST thing she could have done. I grew up for the most part without the direct abuse of our father, my brother understood later on how important the divorce was. Our father quickly lost interest in raising us anyways for the most part, once he knew our mother was never coming back. Until then he did try for some time to use us kids as a way to control her, force her back etc.

But my mother found the court system and shelters did a great job in supporting her and eventually she had full custody and moved on. She has since met a new man, my stepfather, and even though her and I have issues unrelated to our father, she has been happy and content with her life.

And let me get one point right away out- he was NOT right by saying nobody else would be so patient and good to you.
That is the number 1 abuser tactic. He isolated you, he tried to keep you from having a social network and seeing your therapist. (which I hope you can keep seeing one or even the same?) If you cannot afford this right now shelters usually offer free counseling as well.

You WILL find someone else who is TONS more patient, loving and kind. Right now your healing is the most important thing and by the way, your English is incredible!! You mentioned earlier that you are not a native speaker but it does not show at all. RESPECT! I am not a native speaker of English either and had to go through an abusive relationship many years ago in an English speaking country and my Ex had me isolated as well.

One thing about the calls from the lawyer- I am 100% THAT is not ok either. Talk to legal aid about it or google it simply for yourself for now. Report the incidents and let them ALL go to voicemail first to have proof....it all counts now.
Your therapist could also act as witness when it comes to a court divorce and custody battle I believe- and testify you have suffered emotionally from his behavior and abuse.

Please feel free to share anything you are comfortable with here. We dont judge. We understand. It is SO important to tell your story....as many times as you have to until you feel the trauma is starting to heal.

Forgive yourself for staying with him...and for choosing him. Like you said, you did not want your daughter to grow up in an abusive home like you mentioned you experienced it. THAT is a real mom right there!!! Way to go, for protecting her and putting her first.

Take it day by day now...baby steps. Leaving is hard BUT worth it.
By the way in your home country does your family know what is going on and can they help you financially? (if it feels ok to contact them)

Your gut has all the answers now to your questions. Trust that inner voice.

We are here!!!!

Hi Phoenix, You are very brave and a wonderful mother to think of your child and your own well being. Stay strong, what kind of man would let his partner and child live in a refuge...an abuser! I too have fled in the past, left belongings etc and in time they can be replaced, getting yourself sorted and keeping you both safe is the most important right now. Dont give in when you feel weak, the weak moments will pass, dont let him or any of his family and friends try to persuade you in a different direction. You have made a very brave decision, well done.

Hang in there...it DOES get better - especially if you stand your ground, refuse to accept ANY contact, even from the lawyer, until you also have legal aid. Is the shelter helpful in telling you what legal rights you have regarding all of this? I am not a legal expert so I would also call different hotlines, shelters etc. to get the best support I can.

You are not alone and we are here for as long as you like this place to be there to share your thoughts. It has helped me a TON 5 years ago when I was in your shoes (minus the children). It is a weird period but I can honestly say, 5 years ago I had NEVER dreamed I would wake up and go to bed and on most days I do not ever think of my Ex or what happened. You survive, you heal....you move on and do let go eventually.

Is there free counseling at your shelter as well? That can be a huge help, especially since you might feel the pressure of being a single mom and face divorce proceedings etc. By the way I have to say I have the greatest respect for you. That takes so much courage to walk away from a traumatic and abusive situation, stand up and say: NO! This is NOT how my story ends. Only I choose how it goes on and how it ends.


Your children have a very, very strong mom. Way to go!!! It has now been proven in plenty of scientific studies that it is worse for children if their parents stay together when abuse is present. Many people still believe the myth though that "the family needs to be held together, kids need a mom and dad....etc." It is all based on wrong misconceptions. I have yet to meet the child of an abusive father (or mother) who says: "I am so glad my mom/dad did not leave the abuse. It was a great childhood watching them fight and fearing for my mom's life all the time."

You did not only save yourself the day you walked away, but your babies as well.

It is ok to be scared of the battles that lie ahead, but just know you are ready and you are so strong in your core. They also will not come all at once and you will have legal support and a legal system on your side- that- compared to 25 years ago- understand and accepts domestic violence as an epidemic and as something to be taken very seriously.

In the meantime- tell your family and friends who are being harassed by this lawyer to record all calls or texts or emails. They have to let them all go to voicemail, keep the texts and present them in court if it comes to that. A lawyer can NOT do this.

It is very GOOD that you did not tell anyone where you are. What a smart move! I am very concerned this lawyer is fishy and acting outside of his legal rights.
Is there a hotline you can call, like the national DV hotline or call the local court to ask about what can be done about this....it does NOT seem right. As long as nobody asks for your address right now because I also sometimes do not trust the system when it comes to thinking things through for the victim's safety.

For example my Ex had access to firearms and knives- and in the country I went to court against him for my restraining order, they do not do a screening for weapons of offenders coming to court AND they wanted me to wait in the same main waiting hall. I had to run to the closest police station next to the court to wait there- and request for them to take me into a different waiting room AND then hear nothing was done about possible weapons he could bring.

So listen to your gut....others can give you advice, but ultimately now is the time to grab your gut feeling- put it on stage and let it guide you. it will keep you safe.

we are here!!!

(i would also see if you can get your hands on additional hotlines, free legal services etc. outside of the legal aid you applied for so far- sometimes digging by yourself can bring back blessings you didnt expect and additional allies on your side)

You are being very strong right now and will get through this. Tell yourself over and over again, if that feels right: This too shall pass.
It will NOT forever be like this. Many victims of abuse who escape share how fast they felt more and more happy once they left and their life started coming together again. yes, there will be hard moments, but they are not endless. Imagine them more like trains arriving at a station, staying shortly, and then moving on out, making space for happier feelings and emotions.

I am glad you keep your location a secret for now as during abuse escape you really do not know who might be 'the weak link' and give away where you are and how to contact you. Even if people might mean well, they can still be an obstacle on your road to recovery and safety. The book "why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft describes that very well. You have to do what you have to do to stay safe and keep your kids safe. NOBODY has a right to criticize this or micromanage by intervening.

Monday will come around soon and I am sure the legal aid will be there. In the meantime we are here for you and I BET there are so many women out there, ready to leave and scared, who read your posts and get great comfort and support in knowing they also are not alone and there IS a way out.

Have you found the shelter people so far very helpful and informed? Can you do fun things too like play table tennis with your kids (if the shelter has such facilities) or take some walks in a safe nearby area or even inside the property of the shelter? Anything that gives you pleasure, as small as it might seem. It could be as small (or BIG!!!) as a safe, peaceful family dinner. Sleeping in peace, knowing he cannot get to you. I savored all those moments in my first weeks out of the relationships. I played my favorite music out loud, danced to it, ate what I wanted, cooked what I wanted- and read books, watched movies that made me happy etc. Anything that feels right, is right.

Let us know if there is more we can help you research - there might be resources we haven't thought of yet.

In the meantime, just know you are so worthy of happiness and love and peace of your soul. Your life has a meaning and purpose.
There are gifts for you on this road, they might just be hard to detect right now.

If you can, try and get your hands on the mp3 audio recordings from a DV and trauma specialist called 'Belleruth Naparstek" (not sure if I have recommended her to you yet) and get the "restful sleep/trauma/anxiety/panic attacks" files from her website- or whatever you feel is most urgent right now. I loved listening to the sleep and trauma one in the weeks after I was hit with PTSD and endless anxiety and panic attacks. The panic attacks one I found later and it really helps. When the kids are in bed you can simply lay down, put your I-phone or mp3 player into your ears and let the guided imagery help you heal and relax.

The book "Invisible heroes" comes along with it and I recommend it very hihgly as well. Maybe the shelter counselor also has some suggestions.


There WILL come a time when all of this is nothing but a bad memory. You will bounce back. Human beings are SO resilient.
SO many women get away and rebuild their life. You can even google a TED talk about domestic violence by a very amazing woman called "Leslie Morgan Steiner".

I will check in later today and tomorrow to see how you are doing, in case you felt the anxiety or panic attacks become stronger.
For now, deep breaths - LOTS of water, good food, rest as much as you can.....give the rest away to your God (if you are religious) or, if you are like me spiritual but not necessarily religious- give it away to the universe. Not everything is in our control, we cannot ever carry the weight of everything with us. Give it away....let it go even if it is just for a minute or so.

breathe it all out with a deep in-breath and out-breath.

I am still having a hard time,the legal aid is still pending and the sms are now very threatening (court procedures to see our LO). It is hard to ignore this and I have to tell myself very often that I am indeed safe in here and that as long as he does not know where I am he can‘t take our daughter from me. I also am batteling with my emotions.I feel very numb still but there is a flood of emotion underneath. I cannot seem to let go of the iron self control which was my only defense mechanism for years( all my life I guess).Still there is progress and I am out.