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Post by julie69 on Jul 1, 2014 13:17:03 GMT
I'm with family members at the moment, where I've been for the past 2 weeks and not taking his phone calls. He has sworn at and accused two members of my family of nasty things because they didn't get me to come to the phone, at my request. He reduced a very elderly female relative to tears accusing her of not being a proper Christian.
I'm missing him like crazy but can't go back to a life of micromanagement, namecalling, cursing, shouting and accusing, kept under a watchful eye and isolated from friends, prevented from signing up for higher education, and being strongly discouraged from looking for work.
So when it seems so obvious what I ought to do to get the rest of my life back on track, why haven't I got the courage to say it's over? At some point I'm going to have to face up to telling him.
The indecision is eating away at me and I have no one to turn to. My relatives are elderly and I should be looking out for them, not the other way around.
The UK national DV hotline is useless. I've tried calling it at various hours of the day and night, but no matter what time it is, there's always just this long-winded recorded message and then it goes to voicemail. I don't leave a message because I don't want to be identified. I make that call anonymously or not at all.
I've read all the usual recommended books but they haven't stopped me feeling totally paralyzed. If I could just have a proper cry it might help me feel better, but I can't. I can't even decide between two simple tasks like should I catch up with my personal admin or make a phone call first? I know I ought to be doing something about work, but I feel too numb.
I've been bereaved in the past and while it hurts at the time and you know they're never coming back, at least you still have the happy memories of that person.
With my BF, what happened was this cruel stranger gradually took over the person I fell in love with in the beginning. I'm seeing the same face, hearing the same voice, but he's not that person, except for odd glimpses when he does something romantic. But the person I love is never entirely "gone", so I can't let go and grieve.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 1, 2014 14:31:30 GMT
Hey Julie69 and welcome here,
First, please let me say you do NOT ever ever ever owe an abuser a 'final breakup talk/call/email' etc. You do NOT have to 'face up and tell him.' In fact that is the point and moment most abuser would use to fish you back into the relationship and control cycle. I understand you probably want to do the 'decent thing' and break it up the right way, but the man never treated you in the relationship the right way and he does not deserve your future energy and lifetime.
It is of course easier said than done...I too needed a few attempts to really leave my Ex.
I am sorry to hear the UK national hotline seems to not work very well right now- I do not have experience with that particular service but it is not the only one available. There are local shelters you can call and more hotlines than the national one. It is VERY understandable that you want to remain anonymous for now to them.
Can you google your own town or a bigger town closer to you and see what shelters and free services they have?
This might also be a good time to involve a professional counselor. They really can be a lifeline if you find a good one who has DV experience and feels right for you. Sometimes you need to try one or more before finding the right one, but once you did, it is a life changing experience that helps you heal like nothing else I found.
The one thing that really resonated with me was your last paragraph about missing a person and losing a person you never had or knew. I needed so much time to understand the man I had loved was NEVER the man he was. I had loved and lost and missed an illusion - not the real him. It is hard to go through that because it felt like someone destroyed my entire world view and feeling of safety in this life. It does come back....no contact is the only way and your relatives can file stalking charges if he keeps calling them. They can also change their phone numbers.
Do not give up, make a list of things you have to change to take all ways of communication away from him. Involve the police. Record and report all incidents. He is legally committing a crime if he insults verbally someone on the phone and does not stop calling. A local DV shelter can also give you advise on how to record/report all those incidents. Empower yourself, stand up and bring back out your gifts and love for life! He never took that from you. You just had to hide it all in a safe place while you were with him. You are here for a reason and have a purpose!!!
We are here to listen and I hope that helps!
Let us know what else we could do to help.
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Post by Finally free on Jul 1, 2014 18:16:59 GMT
Hi julie69, maybe reading some posts on here may help you realise you have been so brave in leaving abuse and may help you feel less alone in your feelings, alot of us on here have been through it and still are going through it, keep in touch
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Post by crystal on Jul 1, 2014 19:35:10 GMT
Hi Julie69
You definitely are brave leaving the abuse. I know myself I felt totally alone and indecisive after the abuse, because I was controlled so much. The feelings do get better in time.
Take care
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steve
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Post by steve on Jul 3, 2014 20:48:09 GMT
Have you read anything about "traumatic bonding" or the "Stockholm Syndrome?" Your emotional reaction is very, very common amongst survivors of abuse, and comes from the constant back and forth between the "good person" (whom you want to be the REAL him) and the abusive person (whom you hope is a temporary aberration). Of course, at the start, you see almost entirely "good person," and the rest of the story only gradually emerges. This is not by chance - this is how an abusive person manages to slowly make you accustomed to more and more abuse. But he continues to pepper it with periods of "niceness" to keep your hopes alive that the "real him" will somehow come out on top. Of course, the truth is, the "real him" is a lot closer to the abuser than the "good guy" you first met. The latter is mostly an act they have worked out to engage people initially so they can gradually increase their level of control until you don't feel you can live without them.
You might find my book, "Jerk Radar," of some help in understanding how and why he hooked you in initially. It was developed from the stories of the folks on this message board, and seeks to answer the question, "Why did I fall for this," as well as, "How can I make sure this never happens to me again." You'll see that a lot of the seemingly "nice" behavior is part of an overall strategy of isolation and control that started from the first moment he met you.
The other tough thing is that an abuser isolates the victim, and those brief glimmers of "romance" eventually become the ONLY bright spot in your life. So when you leave, you lose the abuse, but also those bright moments, as well as having to give up the hope that the "good guy" will eventually prevail and things will go back to where they were at the start. That is a lot to handle, and it is very, very sad. Depression, anxiety and rage are all very common and difficult emotions that emerge shortly after leaving. The only good news is, they don't last forever. As you start to reconnect with the rest of the world, you will find that some of your needs will increasingly be met by activities you used to love and by connections with new and old friends who treat you with more respect. Will you continue to miss the "good him?" Yes, of course. But gradually, his dominance of your thoughts will get less and less, and a day will come when you find you haven't even thought about him for hours on end. Looking back, you'll see that it is a gradual process but that it is leading to a much better place in the end.
Hang in there and keep on posting. That's a lot to take in at once. Let us know if you have thoughts, feelings or questions to share. That's why we're here.
--- Steve
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Post by brownie on Jul 10, 2014 1:22:45 GMT
Julie69 hello. I was drawn to your post by your title indecisive and feeling alone. Let me first say wow I am in awe by your bravery for leaving. I'm so sorry he's hurting your family I know how that cuts and hurts. I myself have not conquered leaving but I understand the feeling of being unable to make decisions. Find something you like or even love to do that you weren't aloud to do with him. For me it was taking walks. Do whatever that is everyday to remind yourself how great freedom feels. I know it's confusing to figure it all out why we want to be with them or miss them when they can be so hurtful. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and praying for you. The people on this board are so smart listen to them they really do know what they are talking about.
Brownie
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Post by crystal on Jul 10, 2014 20:59:11 GMT
I agree with Steve read up about "traumatic bonding" or the "Stockholm Syndrome?" it may help you to understand why you stayed with him. Steve's book is also excellent reading on DV.
I know my ex-abuser could seem fine one minute and then all hell would beak loose for nothing whatsoever I was constantly walking on eggshells wondering which way he would go. Always remembe how brave you have been in leaving.
Take care x
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Post by julie69 on Jul 23, 2014 21:06:37 GMT
Hi guys, thanks for the encouraging comments. I'm taking things one day at a time and taking small steps to get myself sorted out. A couple of days ago I bought a cheap pay as you go smartphone. I haven't worked out how to use it yet as I've never had one before. But it's a phone number my bf doesn't know about.
I've also made enquiries about getting a student loan in order to complete my (very long overdue) education.
Now this is the thing. When I met my bf we were both members of a very close knit church community that took up a lot of our time and energy when we weren't working our pay-the-bills jobs. I spent 13 years in the movement and 8 years with my bf, and during that time I had no time to complete my education, get a proper career, or do any of the normal things that people do to move their lives forward. So while I am chronologically in my forties, in terms of getting on in life, I'm still a young person just starting out in the world, if you see what I mean. BF forbade me early on in our relationship to have any contact with any of our former church community and for 13 years they had been the only friends I'd had. At some point we were both excommunicated permanently, so looking to that community for support isn't ever going to be an option.
Last year I lost the job that I had (dreadful although it was, just like most of the jobs I've had due to no post-16 education), and bf encouraged me to go on the dole so I could be home with him. We would fill out my job search log with some rubbish so it would appear to the adviser every 2 weeks that I was applying to loads of jobs.
Now that I'm back with my family, they have started asking me about my job search, and the job centre have been asking questions about my job search, but to be honest I just don't feel ready. I'm having enough to deal with personally without having to take yet another awful pay the bills job. I want two things: to complete my education and to stop feeling pressurized to take any old job just to satisfy the Government.
My plans to start a business have amounted to nothing, because after so many years of isolation, I just don't have the necessary social support network in place to provide the referrals people usually need to get started in the field.
I cope fairly well from day to day until someone says I should get a job. Then I just go to my room and cry.
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Post by alisay on Jul 24, 2014 15:17:34 GMT
I am not a very religious person and I know nothing of religious communities buy I would not close that door just yet. I am sure that there are people there that remember you still and can help you with emotional support, even with more practical ones like helping with a new job. If you talk to the pastor/preacher I am sure that s/he will not turn you down.
You might want to ask yourself if that door is really closed or if you are not looking into it because you feel somehow ashamed? It is not your fault the he is an abuser that isolated you from your friends and I am sure that they would understand that.
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Post by julie69 on Jul 24, 2014 19:35:37 GMT
Nope. I'm excommunicated. That means no person in that community would be allowed to have any communications with me. Period. Besides, I have no interest in going back to a goddamn c*lt.
I spoke to my mum and put a few things in perspective. I explained to her how I'd been a leader within the church organisation, with executive responsibilities, and how I had risen to the level where I trained ministers, counsellors and executive staff. But they have their own internal qualifications system that isn't accredited in this country. That means all my training, all my qualifications, and (in the absence of a recognised qualification), even my extensive experience isn't recognised in the outside world.
So when we left, I went from being a person with senior executive and training responsibilities, and a high level of knowledge, to working as support staff in an office.
At first, I was happy to be earning a wage and being financially independent, but then simultaneous to my bf's behaviour gradually worsening, the reality started to hit home that the world saw me as a junior support staff member, and judged me accordingly. In many ways it was a lot worse for my self respect than the abuse.
In many ways, working those office jobs had parallels with the abuse - the petty nitpicking, the politics, the monitoring of my time, and so on. I don't know who to ask for advice. I think my mum understood why I'm finding it so hard to face looking for a job, but I don't know what I'll do if the jobcentre start making a fuss. I don't want to seek medical advice in case they try and put me on pills and I don't believe in drugs.
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Post by phoenix on Jul 24, 2014 22:48:28 GMT
Hi Julie, just to say that I can understand you so well, I left 2 weeks ago and while I am so glad to be out of the situation and finally can hear myself think again it is hard to adjust. Not only do I feel numb and seem to still do lots of things on auto pilot (the only way I could survive the last years I think - split my mind of my body) but I am frightened because the whole framework around my life is gone. It is a little bit like animals going back into their cage every night because it feels ‘safe‘.As you I feel guilty to have left without explanation but I know whatever I said he would either not understand it or not want to understand it. He did not take you seriously, he treated you without respect, he deserves no explanation!About the medication and theraphy.It took me years to finally get medical help and without it I would never have had enough strenght to cope with this situation. Nor would I have ever gained inside in the dynamics of the abusive relationship I was in.It was a shock to finally see what was happening because it turned my life upside down. But it helped and has given me new confidence. Do seek help-it is worth it.Reading the forum, getting advice and knowing that others have gone or are going through the same hell helps a lot.
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Post by alisay on Jul 28, 2014 12:47:49 GMT
Hi Julie, Looking at your job difficulties, it has always helped me to look at what activity I really enjoy and the try to find a way of making that into my job. It can be anything: A physical activity, working with animals, cooking, starting your own business, working on a library... Once you feel more calm, I believe that you can do the exercise of trying to find out what you really liked in the past and then figure out a way of doing it again, and maybe even getting paid for it  |
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Post by julie69 on Jul 30, 2014 13:47:15 GMT
Thanks for the encouraging comments.
Yes, I think I do need to sort out a lot of things before I can think about how to find a job that I would find rewarding. I think a large part of the trouble is that nearly all the things that I would find satisfying would require a degree and postgrad training. While I have applied to start a university course later in the year (distance learning), there is still the question of what I am going to do in the meantime.
Quite unexpectedly one of the temping agencies I had contacted found a part time secretarial booking for me. Although schedulewise it would fit in well with my studies if it is an ongoing contract or even turns into a permanent position, I am having my doubts. It's just a pair of old guys and right from the start it didn't feel like a good fit, and one of them in particular I don't find all that approachable. I went to find a glass to get some water and the kitchen cupboard was full of metzo crackers and other kosher food, and I felt very uncomfortable and hid my cross inside my blouse. My Dad would say beggars can't be choosers, so I'm trying very hard to pick up the ropes and make a good impression. Maybe this is all part of the process of getting my life back together, but in my fragile state I'm feeling more than usual that I need the working environment to be especially easy and friendly until I build my resilience back up.
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Post by alisay on Jul 31, 2014 4:28:12 GMT
Feeling a bit depressed after the ordeal that you have been through is normal. I would suggest that everyday that you go to work you treat yourself to a little something: pick up a flower and put it in a glass on your desk, walk a bit in the sun, take a bubble bath or a long shower... Tell yourself that you deserve all of that and more!
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Post by qeiii on Aug 1, 2014 1:07:00 GMT
Hello, Julie. I was just reading about the national helpline not answering. I am not sure such a thing existed when I left my ex (10 years ago, nearly!) A quick search showed me that the local helplines still exist so here's a link at least to my most local numbers: www.westmerciawomensaid.org/To be honest, I always found emailing them easier. Hope you are OK. Liz |
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Post by julie69 on Aug 2, 2014 10:02:33 GMT
I sent them an email. Apparently their policy is not to answer detailed questions in an email. I got back a bunch of boilerplate paragraphs about how to call this phone number, blah blah blah. No reply.
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Post by ladyluck on Aug 13, 2014 20:28:46 GMT
I'm so sorry you feel like this, I selfishly moved away after splitting with my ex to stop the risk of running into him and changed my mobile number several times and had a fb account under a different name. It helped most certainly as I lived with a good friend who knew what he was like and understood my moods and how I was feeling but I felt so isolated from my friens and family back home.
Don't let him stop you living your life, that's still him controlling you even tho your not together and the worst feeling. Everything I did after I either did it in spite to get at him or because I wanted to do it and he wouldn't let me.
You need to find yourself again before you were his, and it's not easy. I spent alot of time alone crying, laughing generally being insane! But it helped, 8 months later I'm nearly the person I was before him. Bad days and good,but the bad days make the good that much better I promise you.
Maybe counselling through your local gp? The hotlines don't know everything nor particularly want too as bad as that sounds. They give the same advice to different situations and people.
Well done for being strong so far, you WILL make it! Xx
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Post by julie69 on Sept 10, 2014 21:33:00 GMT
I need my band gear back that is at his flat. Even if I left my own stuff behind so as not to have contact, I have unwittingly left things behind that are not mine to lose.
I also don't want to have to tell the band that I have lost these items.
I sent a text saying I need my band stuff, and I got (among 3 or 4 other paranoid ranting texts) a text saying nothing is going to happen until I speak to him. Followed by another text saying the text could have been from anyone and he won't believe anything he's sent until we speak on the phone.
Dad says it's just a ploy to get me to speak to him so he can get under my skin.
I have a gig coming up and I must have my band stuff. Why I haven't got my gear isn't a conversation I want to have with the band organizer right now.
How on earth do I handle this?
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 11, 2014 0:49:14 GMT
It is a ploy to talk you into getting back with him.
You can call the police and/or shelter. Ask what options you have and ask if they can help you get your stuff back.
Let us know how it turned out and what they said!
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 11, 2014 0:51:34 GMT
If the police cannot help- can you send your father or older brother or someone intimidating to his apartment?
Do not go alone by all means- and if you go, never ever alone. They always try to get you back in and worst case- let go off what you have left there.
That is worst case if police etc does not help at all.
Tell your band the truth. See what they can come up with to help you,
it is NOT worth getting back in danger. You can replace band materials. You cannot replace serious physical damage by an abuser.
A friend of mine was beaten up so badly by her Ex when she went to pick up some of her stuff, he left her blind in the left eye.
Material things can be replaced.
This is NOT your shame to carry. Tell the truth to anyone asking why the band stuff is not there. Abuse thrives and lives in secrecy the abuser creates to isolate and blackmail you.
we are here!
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