caz
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Post by caz on Jun 28, 2014 19:46:23 GMT
Hi. I am new on here. Not really sure what I am meant to put here to be honest.
My partner left me 4 weeks ago after a 4 year relationship. He was the type that put me down, belittled me, criticised everything I did, nothing was ever good enough, anything I bought was wrong, even his "pet" names for me were insults, he also constantly put me down in a jokey manner like it was a loving thing, if that makes sense?. He would send nasty text messages if the house started getting messy saying I never did anything when I would tidy every night and most mess was his. When he did his storm outs I would get nasty text messages calling me names. He would throw things and break things, storm out and punch walls and doors when something wasn't going how he wanted it too or if he started running out of money etc. He walked out on me numerous times but was always back within a week after me messaging him to beg him to come home. He always expected me to change but wouldn't change himself. He would do things or act a certain way and somehow twist it to say that it was me doing it. He claims I never wanted to go anywhere with him but all I wanted to do was spend time with him but when we did go anywhere he would go on his bike and I would have to go on the bus to meet him. He claims I never did anything to help him when all I did was help him and look after him. He didn't work for 3 years and I had to pay for everything, his response to this is "do you think I couldn't have done that on my own?". When he left me this time he was really nasty and abusive whenever he came to collect his things. He never hit me, although used to smack my bum so hard that I had to tell him not to do it, not that that stopped him. He was very loving and wanted to constantly be cuddling but at the same time insulting.
I am very confused. I keep thinking I want to message him to try and get him back but it was so horrid this time that I know there is no point. I also know that I am better off without him but cant seem to focus on the bad stuff and just thinking of the good parts. When I was with him I would sit and think how can I get out of this, will I ever be strong enough to leave but I never was and never did but he has done that bit himself. I don't know whether he knew what he was doing or not. All I do know is that I wish I could just stop thinking about him every minute of every day and just get on with my life instead of looking at things and thinking he would like that or he wouldn't want me to do something a certain way etc.
Sorry for the huge mass of info in what was supposed to be an introduction, but once I started typing I couldn't stop.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 28, 2014 20:15:43 GMT
Hey caz and welcome here, Thank you for sharing your story! Your Ex sounds very abusive in all ways, emotional and physical (the bum smacking IS physical abuse) and maybe you find help in reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. The book is written by a very experienced therapist and not your typical ' cheap help yourself guide" but a well researched source I can recommend to all women. And do not apologize for the post, we LIKE to have you here and write as much as you feel like it! If you go back you see my entries are always a tiny novel it seems no shame there!!! This is a safe place where people have experienced what you have. We are here to listen! Have you thought about seeing a counselor during this difficult time maybe? A good DV counselor can be such a lifeline. Choosing the right counselor is also of importance as not all counselors are a good match. You can google 'red flags' or 'warning signs of a bad counselor' to learn a bit about your rights as a patient and how to know when you found the right therapist. As for the feeling to want him back...it is SOOO normal. Leaving an abuser is hard. No fairytales about that phase! And no contact is of absolute importance to get over it and heal. Browse the articles on this page a bit if you feel like it, they cover all aspects of DV and are wonderful resources I find. Let us know how we can help or simply write about him or you if that feels helpful! I am looking forward to hearing from you more.
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caz
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Post by caz on Jun 28, 2014 20:43:00 GMT
Thank you I am seeing a counseller, started going about 2 weeks ago. She used to work in DV cases so should hopefully be the right one. I have deleted and blocked on facebook although his name still comes up when mutual friends tag him for whatever reason. People still tell me what he is doing or where he is going and we go to the same drinking places unfortunately so being in the same place at the same time does happen although people tend to keep him away. I cant seem to bring myself to delete the emails and texts as to me they are proof of how he was with me both in good and the bad times. He has completely deleted his facebook and started a new one so he can get rid of the photos and past 4 years where I have left mine as it was a part of my life. Otherwise there is no contact on either part. I am hoping reading through some others posts on here that I can start to work out how to get him out of my head as I just want to get on with my life. I have seen so many people that have said its stayed with them for years but I don't think I can cope with that.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 28, 2014 21:19:07 GMT
You are very proactive in terms of your healing journey, good for you!! I hope the counselor feels like the right fit and you WILL feel better over time with the help of a professional. A book that also helped me tons to get over my PTSD and the anger/sadness/shame/confusion was "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek and then there is one classic book about trauma by Judith Herman.
I can only speak for myself but the healing journey is a very personal and individual thing. It helps to have no contact, live in a different city, temporarily (or permanently) delete friends off facebook who are also friends with him....all the precautions you can take to stay safe, sane and away from him. If this means saying no to certain social events he might attend to, maybe that could also be a thought to chew on for a bit.
My stress is on TEMPORARY. In my own experience and seeing other women leave abusers for years now, I have to say we women (and abused men!) are resilient. We bounce back and claim freedom and happiness back.
This too passes....
Since you are already seeing a professional, I think all you can do for now is see what your counselor can help you with, take good care of yourself, get plenty of sleep, water, deep breaths, good food (your body is a temple for your soul id like to always say- treat it well because it is your best friend and ally now on this healing path and needs to be strong and vital) and do things you like...pamper yourself. Rethink career goals, your individual goals....all that stuff that might have suffered in the relationship with him.
hang in there and it will get better!!! It is a rollercoaster up and down road and the first few months after leaving really are the hardest ....it goes up from there on out.
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caz
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Posts: 8
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Post by caz on Jun 28, 2014 21:33:25 GMT
Thank you
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Post by Finally free on Jun 29, 2014 20:34:07 GMT
Hi Caz,
Things will get better, I agree with Janine no contact is the best way to go, I know thats difficult when you live and are around the same people, but changing where you go etc will help. I think even abusive relationships are hard to let go of, just give yourself time life can be good and filled with real happiness once you have healed, keep in touch.
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Post by crystal on Jul 1, 2014 19:39:24 GMT
Hi Caz
No contact is definitely the way to go as it helps you to realise what they were doing to you once you are out. I thought the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft was really helpful. I even thought when I began to read it that the author had met my ex it just shows that they all follow certain patterns. Glad you are seeing a counsellor and hope that helps a lot, I know it did for me.
Take care
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caz
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Posts: 8
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Post by caz on Jul 1, 2014 21:37:11 GMT
Hiya
Thank you for your replies.
My counsellor has told me a couple of books to have a look at also which are about assertiveness. I have just read some of the Lundy Bancroft online that I found on facebook and found that my ex seems to come under about 3 different types of abuser :S. I have now just purchased the book so I can read more. I hope it can help.
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Post by Finally free on Jul 2, 2014 8:50:47 GMT
Its a brilliant book, got mine from ebay x
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caz
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Posts: 8
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Post by caz on Jul 6, 2014 17:16:11 GMT
Well I thought I did quite well last night. My ex came into the pub I was in after an all day drinking session and went and sat with his mate at a table next to where I was sat. I got up and left that pub and went to another one where he eventually turned up although I didn't see him but as soon as I was told he was there I left again and went back to the first pub I was in.
While I was in the second pub I was talking to a lady I knew but hadn't really spoken too before and she told me that she had kept her distance in the past cause she didn't like my ex as he had apparently once picked her up and took her into a corner and got his penis out and friends thankfully came in time for her to get away. The thing is this woman has a bit of a reputation with blokes and she even said I don't know whether I was asking for it or whether he was just drunk. He would have been drunk and she may have been asking for it but it obviously worried her at the time and it is all I can think about. It is really upsetting me for some reason. I have had my friends say I shouldn't leave the pub if he comes in but just get on with having fun so he can see he doesn't bother me rather than thinking that he can make me leave the place whenever he walks in. But its hard when all you want to do when you see him is cry.
Also I have read some of the book. Its like you said Dianem, its like the author knew him personally!. So many things that are exactly like what he did. I am not sure whether it upsets me or whether its a relief to read. I guess a bit of both. I just wish I could tell people exactly what he was like instead of people thinking its just another bitter split up so she is accusing of abuse.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 6, 2014 22:15:14 GMT
Hey Caz, I read this and your other post and I wanted to quickly check in. It is VERY normal to feel the way you described after leaving an abuser, and it does make it harder that he is following you to bars you would usually go with friends. He WANTS you to think it is coincidental and maybe even push you to think "it is meant to be that you saw him/he is not as bad as you had thought etc.' and all those mind tricks they use.
Be prepared to find especially weekends (sundays) and late evenings more difficult. Those are moments that can be difficult for anyone who is going through a major life change as there is no job or usually no routine to keep you from overthinking.
One thing that might also help for now would be to avoid the bars and drinks. Alcohol can trigger depression even if you are not going through a breakup- and is in itself a substance that can be unhelpful in a healing process. I used to throw back a bottle of red wine or even more! during the immediate months after leaving my abusive Ex. The PTSD caused me to not be able to sleep, think straight or go on with life really until I had a few drinks in. I thought so at least. In the end I felt only good therapy, a healthy routine of good eating and exercise etc. helped me so much more. Drinks and cigarettes etc. are just for most people the first go to band-aid but I felt the red wine made it worse for me to move on really.
I would get very emotional when I was drunk or hungover, reminiscing, sometimes even contacting my abusive ex.
Finally he made one last nasty comment in an email to me and that was the final wake up call I needed and never spoke or texted to him since then. And that was many years ago.
Hang in there...write us when you feel as if you miss him. You really are only missing that short term relief he gives you to the pain you are feeling. A pain HE caused. Like an addiction really. Only you never knew you signed up for this traumatic bonding when you first met him. We understand if you miss him, are struggling to keep no contact etc.
Are there more ways you could change your activities so that events like that do not happen? (you running into him during your free-time activities etc.)
hang in there...read the books you feel help and I hope the counseling keeps being a good experience!
You are not alone and we are always happy to hear from you.
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caz
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Post by caz on Jul 6, 2014 22:51:45 GMT
I don't think he is following me too them as such, they just happen to be the only pubs that cater for our music taste and where our friends go.
It is weekends and during work hours that I find I have been worse, when there isn't really anyone about I can talk too and my brain has time to think. And you are right about the alcohol it is worse when I have a hangover.
Unfortunately like I mentioned above its pretty limited too where I go out as my friends and his all go to the same place. He has stayed out of the way the last couple of times I have known he was there but yesterday he and his friend went and sat right in the booth across from me so I got up and walked out without acknowledging him and managed not to get upset.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 7, 2014 1:47:19 GMT
Hey Caz, it sounds like you did really well when you saw him and you can be very proud for managing to not get upset, then removing yourself from the situation as well. Way to go!!
It really is not easy if you live in the immediate environment of an abusive ex and frequent the same places. It is a difficult balance between wanting to keep living your life and not restricting your freedom, but also putting your own emotional life first and taking care of yourself.
It is hard, most people do not tell you that after leaving that is really the most difficult time- for a few months it can be a weird emotional roller coaster ride...but it DOES get better eventually with no contact, time and focusing on your own life goals and daily activities. I went back three times in total I think back then to my abuser- only to find each time the abuse got worse and worse and each time leaving was much harder than the previous time. The final attempt to get away then was a run for my life and safety and I never looked back since.
Hang in there...you are doing great and I am glad you ended up finding the book also helpful so far!
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