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Post by Kate on Jun 19, 2014 2:52:13 GMT
My X's sister called me at work today and told me that he's in the hospital. She said they'd had plans to drive together to their parents' house for dinner and when she went to pick him up, she found him unconscious on the living room floor with a bottle of whiskey and pain pills. They had to pump his stomach, and he's going to be okay, but he has to go for a psychiatric evaluation tomorrow. His sister apparently had no idea I had left him. I told her, "Yes, and I have a restraining order against him." She quickly told me that he hadn't asked her to call, that she did it on her own, and said she was sorry, she didn't know.
I felt guilty and like I drove him to it; so much that I was tempted to go up to the hospital and see him, but the counselor at the shelter talked me out of it. She thinks it's just another game. If he had really wanted to kill himself, he wouldn't have done it when he knew his sister was coming over. He would have done it after he got back from dinner, when he knew he'd be alone for the rest of the night. I have to admit, it does seem a bit melodramatic, even to me.
I wish I could get over this need I feel to take care of him. I shouldn't feel bad for looking out for my own safety, right?
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janine
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Posts: 1,185 
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Post by janine on Jun 19, 2014 14:51:10 GMT
You should feel PROUD for looking out for your own safety, not bad. After all HE did NOT look out for your safety.
He caused you harm and would cause you harm again.
And yes, it sounds like one melodramatic showdown. What a theater play! You are right on with your instincts that had he REALLY wanted to kill himself, he would have done it. Not staging a semi-attempt with some liquor and a few pills. My Ex claimed he tried to kill himself with "Vodka and Aspirin" but "threw it all up and passed out" - so he was even too lazy to go all the way to the hospital to make it look more "authentic" than your Ex.
I am so glad the shelter people support you. They have seen the same scenario play out over and over and over again. Most abusers stage or pretend or threaten to commit suicide. It is a game that is not funny at all because there are seriously suicidal people out there who need help and we waste money and resources on idiots like that who think they can control a woman back into their lives by putting themselves into the pity party as a center piece.
it is OK to feel still like you "are the only one who could SAVE him"- because he had a long time to force you to believe in that special bond between you two. It is really like an addiction to that feeling you feel when he is NOT abusive or chooses to act nice for a bit. Just long enough so you are hooked and feel the pain go away temporarily. In fact I think the entire brain chemistry changes when we experience traumatic bonding - and hence even though you KNOW intellectually what is going on, your body seems to sometimes be "all confused"- because it did get a few high shots of adrenaline during attacks he did and being nonstop walking in eggshells, not knowing when the next blow comes, changes your brain into standby- always alert mode, ready to flight or fight or freeze. We are after all mammals with instincts and our bodies have thousands of years of evolution behind them. They are not yet just there in this 2014 I-phone age and sometimes that can really be confusing.
With a good counselor and time to heal, your brain WILL bounce back. Actually I think it already is. You did NOT freak out completely when you heard about his staged attempt to get attention- you stayed calm, even though you acknowledged the feeling of being a little bit confused about what you feel- and then you immediately were able to stay level headed, identify his strategies and name his game. Way to go!!!
Keep up the good work. We are here for the moments you feel good or bad. It is all ok and part of this journey.
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Post by Kate on Jun 20, 2014 4:39:52 GMT
Awww, thanks. You give me too much credit, though. It was the shelter counselor who identified his game. Just after she did, I had to admit she was probably right. And she convinced me not to go to the hospital. I wish I was at the point where I could have figured it out on my own, but hey, I'll get there, right? I wonder what the psychiatrist said about him today. I'm sure they found something to diagnose him with. He'd like that.
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Post by Finally Free on Jun 20, 2014 16:33:13 GMT
Hi Kate, Ive lost count at how many times my ex has threatened to kill himself, hes been 'talked down' from a bridge 3 times and even managed to get out of court because of an 'accident' where he became concussed !! I can honestly say it does get better and you soon start to realise that they never intend to harm or kill themselves its just more emotional blackmail. I tried so hard to help him giving him the credit for having some sort of breakdown etc and it took me a while to figure out and finally see that hes simply abusive, turning it on and off when it suits......you'll get there and it does get easier.
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Post by jeannie812 on Jul 26, 2014 3:55:44 GMT
Kate, you really got a handle on this! Kudos to you! My son's dad took his life. He didn't talk about it. He was singing and whistling Amazing Grace for two weeks before he robbed his mother's bank and went gambling and then he took a flying leap off the parking structure of casino. I still gotta wonder if I chased that guy off the map. I was hunting him down on internet cause he was stealing our son's identity. Our son was 9 at the time. Two months later the guy took his life.
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