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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jun 18, 2014 8:26:41 GMT
I posted on here several weeks ago saying that I had decided, after three years, to start counselling. The first few sessions were ok although I was aware that I wasn't talking in depth about the abuse. Two sessions ago, my counsellor suggested that I talk about a specific event of abuse in my marriage. I initially resisted in the following session, feeling that I would never be able to cope with what would be more or less reliving the trauma, but in the session last week the counsellor pressed me, so I agreed to talk about one particular episode. At the end of it I was left crying and shaking. My counsellor then said she couldn't make the following week, so here I am nearly two weeks later, horribly scarred and traumatised and with absolutely no coping mechanisms from my counsellor.
Never having had counselling before i have no idea if what I'm going through is normal, and whether I am expecting too much from it. Is it usual to be so traumatised, and if I stick it at it, will it eventually work? I feel very much at sea. All I do know is that I am finding it next to impossible to cope with.
Thank you for any advice anyone can give me.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 18, 2014 14:51:51 GMT
I remember you mentioned that you would like to look into counseling. I am so glad you did! That is a very courageous thing to do when you struggle with PTSD.
In general I would say finding the right counselor can be a tricky thing. Sometimes you luck out and it feels right from the start. Sometimes it takes a few sessions to find out if you feel really safe and supported. It also helps to know if your counselor is specialized in DV and trauma patients. Mine for example was and I do not recall her pressing me as such. I did need my time to talk about things when I felt right- I also recall many sessions when I had severe anxiety attacks IN the session when reliving the trauma.
In a way I think having to 'relive' the trauma is part of healing. To walk through the experiences in a safe environment, with a supporter by your side. (the counselor) and then building resilience to the traumatic memories and experiences stored in your body.
For now I would suggest bring up how you feel and felt with her. A good counselor will understand and change/tweak approaches to your personal needs and wishes. They should never criticize you for feeling like you have been pressed too soon. After all it is all about empowerment- about facilitating YOU to trust your own judgment, to call when there is a stop sign you would like to set up and pause and go in your own pace.
See how your counselor reacts about your concerns and she should be able to equip you with coping skills. Mine for example recommended me pretty early on to use "Invisible Heroes" as a book resource and also Judith Hermann's classic book on surviving trauma. She also offered me to record two of the "Guided Imagery" scripts in "Invisible Heroes" for me to keep. She had it ready for me the 5th session or so as an MP3 file and I used the "restful Sleep" and "Healing Trauma" files (they are each about 15 minutes long) when I had panic attacks at home or while she was out of the office.
My counselor now taught me how to use breathing in the 2nd session to bring my heart rate down and calm my body. He also never pushes me to say anything. I guide myself into topics I would like to touch - he does use interventions when needed. For example when I started breathing out of control in the second session he asked me to pause and just breathe with his direction. It felt ODD at first....as my first counselor never did that but it did help.
Now I trust my counselor 400% but.... the first 4 times I want to say I did not really feel the connection too well.
It is OK to want to change counselors too if your feeling persists. You are by far not the first one to do that. In fact a GOOD counselor would encourage!!! you to change counselors if you have a solid reason as to why you do not trust her and do not feel safe with her.
Having said that- overall I promise you WILL cope with it all and you WILL find a possible way to talk through the traumatic experiences. The first few times it will feel unbearable but...you should also always feel a little bit 'lighter' walking out of counseling on the long run. That is at least how I was described it when I was not sure if my counselor was the right fit.
Usually a good counselor also ends the session on a good note. They should be able to pull you out of a very teary/shaken mood into a stable one before they let you walk out of their offices- with something positive at the end like: "Good work today!"
I did often cry a TON more at home after my first counseling round and it was a relieving crying. I still do that during some sessions. Sometimes I feel like I 'wasted' a session and did not have a great breakthrough moment....but that too is OK.
It is such a personal, sensitive process.....if that does not bring up intense emotions, i don't know what would!!
One time I remember I was retelling the events of one night in particular that had been very traumatic with my Ex and I felt like I could not breathe and as if I wanted to crawl into the corner of her office and hold a pillow and rock back and forth....the body remembers. It is scary. It is overwhelming. But it also wants to heal so badly.....be proud of yourself for reaching out to a counselor and ALSO be proud of your ability to step back and check with yourself if it is a right match!!!
I think it shows how much you are listening to your inner voice and care about your healing. How amazing that you want to heal and have the courage to face all those traumatic memories locked up inside!!! Give yourself a huge hug and a pat on the back for this hard work.
Trust your gut. See how she reacts to your concerns about the last session. And maybe ask also how much experience she has with DV trauma patients. It takes a very specialized training for a counselor to understand the dynamics of DV and trauma.
Let us know how the next session went if you feel like it. It is a journey in itself to find the right person to work on our trauma with.
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jun 19, 2014 7:30:57 GMT
Thank you so much for your reply Janine. What you say makes such sense and has given me a great sense of relief.
As you say, reliving the trauma is going to be part of the healing process, but I just felt so unsupported by my counsellor. But I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say that you need a therapist who is DV trained. When I first started researching this, all the counsellors I found dealt with a while host of issues in which they counselled - 20 + in most cases - and I still haven't found one who deals just with DV. And yet I know from my readings that it is very important to find one who knows just what the impact of the DV is, possibly a former sufferer. So whereas my counsellor was ok when I was skirting the issue, as soon as I started talking in depth about it, I have to say that she gave me absolutely no coping mechanisms at all.
I e mailed her her yesterday saying how much I was struggling with the fall-out from the previous session and that I'd like to take a break for a while, she replied saying that I could have one last session to bring 'closure' to my feelings. Will that certainly isn't going to happen in one session, so I have made the decision not to return to her, and have a break from it all for now while I try to get some sort of balance back in my emotions.
I was was actually really disappointed that she has given me no coping mechanisms, despite me saying at the outset how worried I was at the thought of talking about the abuse and being able to cope with reliving it. But thank you Janine for the details of the books and I will certainly see if I can get them. Also the breathing technique sounds useful. These are exactly the sort of things that I would have hoped my counsellor would have told me about. It's also interesting to see that yours ended your sessions on a good note. Mine didn't - her response at the end of each session was to ask if I was ok, which I always thought was rather a daft thing to ask. It should have been obvious that I wasn't. And she never gave me any feedback so I had no idea whether I was doing ok whether what I was going through was normal, if I'd made any progress.
What is encouraging is that counselling has worked so well for you Janine, and I'm guessing you wouldn't be where you are now without it.
Thank you again for your support and encouragement. I am definitely going to try again, but this time with the right counsellor.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 19, 2014 15:04:51 GMT
It is totally OK and actually encouraged if you feel you want a break from this specific counselor for now to do so. It is YOUR healing journey after all and to be honest- some women need a few months or more to feel ready. I needed about 6 months I think to slowly be ready. Before that i simply wanted to get into graduate school, get MY life plan back up running and I distracted myself with friends and traveling and everything I knew felt right and good and safe. I think it is remarkable you dared to question your counselor. You can be very proud of your hard work there! Because we are SO trained to listen to what others say about "what we should do and think and feel" in these abusive relationships. Therapy should be the ONE place we feel in control of what is being talked about and feel empowered about the relationship with our counselor and safe. I too find it a bit odd when counselors claim to be experienced in EVERYTHING. That is simply not possible. Especially with trauma survivors there has to be a certain specialization because it is different than substance addiction for example. For that you actually need a special training in the state I live in. So I wonder if they come up with DV specialization courses or have done so already- but certainly not enough. To end a session with a question like that seems odd too. Because my natural reaction would be to think: "Fu...no I am NOT ok, and I am about to cry and lose it but the session is over so I have to put up a brave face and walk to my car and somehow deal with another week of being trapped with my feelings and no way to handle them." For me for example sleeping was a huge problem and panic attacks in the middle of classes at graduate school too. I sometimes felt I couldnt breathe and of course the nonstop fear he would somehow come after me. It is like all neurons fire at once and you are like a war veteran, walking through this world but feel somehow "different" or as if you are never fully "there"- always hiding behind a mask...truly like an Invisible Hero  Because it takes a LOT of strength and courage to pull yourself up from the floor and march on!!!! If i can lay any name on your heart for the healing it is Belleruth Naparstek and her Guided Imagery audio files and the book "Invisible Heroes"- I also wonder if you can ask a shelter or DV hotline if they can recommend someone. Just ring them up, sum up how you felt about this counseling experience and how you take your healing seriously and want a professional by your side to walk this path. That is when you feel ready to reach out again. I wonder if you can google Belleruth too and maybe contact her or her practice (She is Chicago based) and see if they have a network of DV specialists and can recommend someone in your area for future references. It is sometimes easier to have a counselor via recommendations than to risk another possible disappointment when all you really need is that ONE human who can help you rebuild trust and inner strength. I actually had a friend come to my counselor now because she had two very negative experiences with counseling in the past and was ready to give up on her anxiety issues. Now after two sessions with my counselor she feels SO good about it all and loves going. She has started to enjoy working on her anxiety, even if it is scary but she feels supported. YOU alone have the right and insight into what you need and what feels right. That was one thing I learned over the course of my healing years ago. Head up, deep breaths and give yourself a big hug for being so courageous!!!! |
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jun 27, 2014 15:11:07 GMT
I have got Belleruth Naparstek's book, Invisible Heroes, and what an amazing book it is. It totally understands PTSD and what it does to you both physically and mentally. Some of the quotes from sufferers could be me talking. It can be such an isolating condition that is really good to read about the fact that what I am going through is normal, and also that you can do something about it. It also makes it clear that talking about a traumatic event can often make the situation worse as the victim has to keep reliving it, so causing trauma each and every time, and it doesn't take long before they are worse off than they were before they started counselling.
I think that's why I challenged my therapist, because I had said from the outset how concerned I was about going into detail about my abuse, and how I was going to cope with the aftermath. And, of course, she gave me no coping skills or tools at all.
So thank you, Janine, for recommending this book, and already it's giving me some insight into my condition.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 27, 2014 17:54:02 GMT
I am so glad you like the book too!!! It was a lifeline to me back then and I am so thankful my counselor recommended it to me very early on.
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Because it takes a LOT of strength and courage to pull yourself up from the floor and march on!!!!