How should I feel

I’m a mid thirty’s male. Been with my wife 12 years married 6. We always had a fairly highly strung relationship. The way she always dealt with things was who shouted the loudest, argue until someone gave in. She was fiery. I’m fairly laid back easy going so I let a lot slide. We moved in together, got engaged a year later then married the next. Hd children within a year of getting married. It all boiled over the next year (2 years ago). Probably the stress of work, kids etc. We were having quiet a few arguements. More than usual. In the end she said in the heat of the moment things like “I wish I had married someone else”. “If you leave me you best get a good lawyer.” I was deeply unhappy at this point and reached out to two people. One said talk to her, the other said think of the kids. I did both, I spoke to her and explained how I felt. She was shocked. Went to councelling and made massive changes. My problem is that I didn’t tell her at the time that I had suicidal thoughts over the whole episode. I felt trapped in a relationship that I just wanted to be out off… I only spoke to one person about it, the one who told me to speak to her.

I stayed not expecting anything to get better, I held the hurt in and carried on. She is so much better but I’m still not happy… feel so distant from her. I’ve realised I was emotionally abused for a long time (haven’t mentioned those words). I have walls up and I struggle to tell her anything… struggle to open up. Don’t like talking to her. Feel happier when I’m at the other end of the sofa. I told her I was unhappy which came as a shock to her. We’ve been to marrage councelling once and due to go again. I want to go alone once so I can speak freely.

I just don’t know how to feel to her… we get on but to me it’s more like friends… has anyone been able to move on from something similar?