Post by unbelievablejeff on Jun 13, 2021 5:49:39 GMT
Hi,
I'd be interested in your views on the following, which are all behaviours from the early times of my relationship with my now estranged wife.
I know this is very subjective, and I should say for anyone who knows about attachment that there is a background of avoidant/anxious pairing in our relationship, so bear that in mind. I also have to confess to a longstanding issue with use of pornography before and throughout the relationship, so I'm not blameless here; I am sure it affected matters 😔
My wife and I were introduced on a blind date, although my instinct was to not really engage as I knew I was being set up.
A week or so later we went on our first date, although I was not hugely attracted to her. I had lots of insecurities, she did too, I naively thought "that might work". I'd had issues with trauma from an emotionally neglectful childhood, something I didn't realise until I had therapy in the last few years. Essentially I would have panic attacks in the first few weeks of a new relationship, meaning I'd break off the relationship as a defence mechanism against being hurt.
OK, problems began a few weeks later. I had the now traditional panic attack but decided I needed to stick with the relationship as I figured the girl I was with saw something in me.
My wife, then girlfriend, broke her glasses at my parents' home and although I tried to help she flew off out of the house in anger and I had to pursue her in the car as she attempted to walk the 8 miles home in the dark.
A few weeks later she got jealous and accused me of flirting with a female friend of my sister's (I definitely wasn't).
She accused me of infidelity one evening as I left a local society meeting where I was secretary; answering her call on a car park she shouted down the line "Are you having a nice fuck?" and I had to go to her home to assure her she was mistaken.
We went for a bicycle ride, her having bought a new bike but, unable to master the gears, she picked it up and threw it in a ditch, from where I had to retrieve it.
I was told off in a supermarket line for not standing close enough to her.
There was an incident where we were invited to a house party and I experienced an episode of social anxiety, simply I felt a bit out of my depth. We left the party and after accusing me of spoiling her fun, she hit me. She did later apologise by buying me a gift.
I ended the relationship as she was always seemingly testing me on my commitment to her, whether I would love her if she was fat, etc.
I can't say it was all bad, we did have a few little holidays, etc, and we did go to New York on a trip, albeit the cost of it did concern me.
We went to a social event with her work colleagues. I couldn't help but notice a vivacious work colleague of hers, although I'd have been too scared to approach her. My wife angrily reacted and asked repeatedly if I'd rather be with the other girl than her. I snapped back with "Yes, is that what you want me to say?"
She would sometimes accuse me of flirting with female shop staff when I was simply being friendly to them.
We moved in together, although she had already arranged a rental property before then asking if I'd move in with her. I was nervous but thought the experience would be good for me.
We later bought a house, more so because I was concerned about 'dead money' re renting, on my part at least.
I worked some distance away and would leave early in the morning. She got upset about a neighbour supposedly talking about me having an affair (I think it turned out to be a neighbour, not me).
She would often get angry and slam doors, or storm off into rooms and shut the door, leaving me to 'negotiate' a truce from the other side of the door.
There's lots more, and I know my avoidance didn't help. I did once consider trying to start a relationship with a work colleague but because I had a partner she wouldn't take her own interest any further.
I guess I'm asking what people's views are? Was this abuse and/or coercive behaviour? I deeply regret my own porn use throughout this, I can see I may have been using it to cope with stress 😔
I did often feel unable to communicate with my wife as I was a bit scared of her temper, and sometimes felt my feelings were disregarded. I did also find myself as the only one doing very much of the housework (our house was a disgraceful mess that we couldn't let anyone into).
I suspect even if not abuse, I am painting an image of a dreadful relationship...
I'd be interested in your views on the following, which are all behaviours from the early times of my relationship with my now estranged wife.
I know this is very subjective, and I should say for anyone who knows about attachment that there is a background of avoidant/anxious pairing in our relationship, so bear that in mind. I also have to confess to a longstanding issue with use of pornography before and throughout the relationship, so I'm not blameless here; I am sure it affected matters 😔
My wife and I were introduced on a blind date, although my instinct was to not really engage as I knew I was being set up.
A week or so later we went on our first date, although I was not hugely attracted to her. I had lots of insecurities, she did too, I naively thought "that might work". I'd had issues with trauma from an emotionally neglectful childhood, something I didn't realise until I had therapy in the last few years. Essentially I would have panic attacks in the first few weeks of a new relationship, meaning I'd break off the relationship as a defence mechanism against being hurt.
OK, problems began a few weeks later. I had the now traditional panic attack but decided I needed to stick with the relationship as I figured the girl I was with saw something in me.
My wife, then girlfriend, broke her glasses at my parents' home and although I tried to help she flew off out of the house in anger and I had to pursue her in the car as she attempted to walk the 8 miles home in the dark.
A few weeks later she got jealous and accused me of flirting with a female friend of my sister's (I definitely wasn't).
She accused me of infidelity one evening as I left a local society meeting where I was secretary; answering her call on a car park she shouted down the line "Are you having a nice fuck?" and I had to go to her home to assure her she was mistaken.
We went for a bicycle ride, her having bought a new bike but, unable to master the gears, she picked it up and threw it in a ditch, from where I had to retrieve it.
I was told off in a supermarket line for not standing close enough to her.
There was an incident where we were invited to a house party and I experienced an episode of social anxiety, simply I felt a bit out of my depth. We left the party and after accusing me of spoiling her fun, she hit me. She did later apologise by buying me a gift.
I ended the relationship as she was always seemingly testing me on my commitment to her, whether I would love her if she was fat, etc.
I can't say it was all bad, we did have a few little holidays, etc, and we did go to New York on a trip, albeit the cost of it did concern me.
We went to a social event with her work colleagues. I couldn't help but notice a vivacious work colleague of hers, although I'd have been too scared to approach her. My wife angrily reacted and asked repeatedly if I'd rather be with the other girl than her. I snapped back with "Yes, is that what you want me to say?"
She would sometimes accuse me of flirting with female shop staff when I was simply being friendly to them.
We moved in together, although she had already arranged a rental property before then asking if I'd move in with her. I was nervous but thought the experience would be good for me.
We later bought a house, more so because I was concerned about 'dead money' re renting, on my part at least.
I worked some distance away and would leave early in the morning. She got upset about a neighbour supposedly talking about me having an affair (I think it turned out to be a neighbour, not me).
She would often get angry and slam doors, or storm off into rooms and shut the door, leaving me to 'negotiate' a truce from the other side of the door.
There's lots more, and I know my avoidance didn't help. I did once consider trying to start a relationship with a work colleague but because I had a partner she wouldn't take her own interest any further.
I guess I'm asking what people's views are? Was this abuse and/or coercive behaviour? I deeply regret my own porn use throughout this, I can see I may have been using it to cope with stress 😔
I did often feel unable to communicate with my wife as I was a bit scared of her temper, and sometimes felt my feelings were disregarded. I did also find myself as the only one doing very much of the housework (our house was a disgraceful mess that we couldn't let anyone into).
I suspect even if not abuse, I am painting an image of a dreadful relationship...