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Post by wiggy on Jun 10, 2014 21:53:44 GMT
I was in an on off relationship with a bloke for a few months during which time he physically assaulted me on a number of occasions resulting in black eyes, bruising,bite marks etc he has also sexually assaulted me, harrassed me when i called things off (over 100 calls a day) he made a formal complaint to my work place and sent intimate pictures to my boss, friends, family etc
He checked my phone, made me change facebook settings, had to block any males who I wasnt related to etc
So why now, when he tells me he has moved on (in fact back to his ex) does it hurt so much? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I cant stop thinking about him. I cant stop crying but dont understand why
Right now he is still in contact with me wanting me, loving me etc as she doesnt fulfil things in his life that I do (and maybe she will put up with the abuse) so all I hear from him is I'm going to x house or cant text now as I'm with her etc
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janine
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Admin
Posts: 1,185 
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Post by janine on Jun 11, 2014 1:23:58 GMT
Hey Wiggy and welcome here,
I highly recommend you the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is NOT your typical 'help yourself' book but a well researched one written by a therapist whp has many decades of experience working with abusive men and their partners. The book "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea could also be really helpful for you now that you are back single again- and might contemplate going back to your abusive Ex (or another abusive man)
For now let me say that NONE of that was your fault. He chose to abuse you and I can assure you he is abusing his current girlfriend as well. And he in fact he is STILL abusing you too. By having ANY contact you allow him to wheel you back in, like a fish on a hook. He can still manage your emotions and dictate how you are feeling. It is really like an addiction- you carve that quick 'fix' contact with him might create and then you fall even deeper into a hole because he does not love you and never loved you. At least in the normal way of caring, interdependent love. And THAT is what hurts, and makes it so damn hard to move on from an abusive relationship.
Nothing makes sense and you are left alone with the aftermath he created. These men do not provide proper closure to a relationship and they never provided a safe relationship to begin with.
The only thing to move on and heal is to go strictly no contact. There are articles about this on our website and you can also call a DV hotline or shelter to have someone professional talk to you when things seem to get too much to carry them all by yourself. You do not have to tell these people your name, you can call anonymously and simply have someone listen, understand and give you options of things that can help you heal and stay safe.
It is NORMAL to obsess, to cry, to miss him. Just know that we ALL have been there. It does not mean going back to him would ever be a great or safe idea of course, but now is the time to accept your feelings, let yourself cry and maybe, if you can, step back and watch these emotions as they come and go. Like trains in a station. You will notice you do not feel ALL the time down and sad and craving his company. If you go no contact in fact over time the cravings and the missing will become less and less...
For no contact it is essential yo really go 100% no contact and cut the codependent ties you still have with him. ANY way of getting to you allows him to further abuse you. He enjoys that a lot and he enjoys seeing you suffer and cry and hear about how you miss him. Taking that away from him and focusing on yourself and your own healing is the best "cure" there is for an abused woman. Change your phone number or block all of his. It is best to change your number entirely though. Change your email- block him and all of his friends on facebook. Inform people about the abuse and if necessary also the police. If he contacts you via any other way, record it. Tell him once firmly that you do not want him to contact you again. If he does, you can file a stalking order in most states or at least follow up by letting the police know.
This man is dangerous and has tried to ruin your life. That is NOT love. That is severe abuse and it must have been a very difficult time to know your friends and workplace received those pictures and were involved in his mindgames.
The books can help you a ton if you are not yet ready to talk to a professional. If possible, I would also highly recommend you talking to a professional counselor or therapist. These experiences cause post-traumatic stress and it is very hard to deal with it all by yourself.
We are here and we understand how you feel. Thank you for sharing your story! Let us know how else we can help you.
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Post by alisay on Jul 14, 2014 20:37:08 GMT
hi wiggi,
Juts a question: when he stopped contacting you for a while, did you feel any relief? Because if you did, if you experienced that fantastic wild moment of happiness when you feel like a door has opened and the sunshine is pouring in and the only thing that you can think is "thank God for that", this is the feeling that you should be focusing on and will give you strength.
I felt it when my ex told me that he was leaving. He was not abusive, but he was not really a kind or loving person. He never hit me but he was always mocking me or ignoring me. In 14 years he never once gave me flowers, not even when I was in the hospital because of cancer. I am beginning to understand now that all the abuse that my sister did to me since I was little made me in my eyes so worthless of any care and tenderness that I was ripe for a man like him to have me handy when it was convenient for him and to push me aside when I was no longer needed. I could not leave him because I was too exausted and too miserable to contemplate leaving him, I just would close my eyes and see before me years and years of more of the same and I felt like death was a better alternative.
Until he gave me the best present ever and left me, and at the moment he told me I felt so relieved and happy that I would have jumped up and laughed right there. Of course a few hours later I felt depressed and sad because I was lonely and felt like a failure, but I never forgot that perfect moment of relief and happiness and I used that memory to pull me out every time I was back in the well of despair.
Maybe you can find a similar moment that might help you.
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Post by jean812 on Jul 25, 2014 6:38:25 GMT
I've read your post. I really feel for you. My head is just reeling. I'm thinking you wrote a short note about some horrific stuff, and not one mention of the "feel good" stuff they do, and your hooked on him. I just don't get it. All in two months? I do gotta point out. That he is making out the women he is with doesn't satisfy him or so forth. Please don't buy that. The guy is a women beater. This is not a competition. He shouldn't be allowed around women.
No one can satisfy him, because he is so full of anger, so full of himself. You can't help him. You are not his therapist. The mistake I made with bad boys is trying to IMPROVE myself so he will treat me well. It's all about him, he doesn't have the capacity to see other human beings as equal. He doesn't have the capacity to see other human beings as breathing beings who also have a right to live!
Watch the Steve Harvey show. I'm sure it's shown globally. Steve Harvey will tell you about bad boys. Steve Harvey would ask this young man his name, Then Steve Harvey (who has daughters who he loves) would say, If Yo Ever Come Near My House I will Kick Yo Ass!!!!
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