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Post by sarah on Jun 9, 2014 9:00:18 GMT
I'm actually writing this for my boyfriend, I just need some advice! We've been dating for over a year and I've known him for over 10 years, everything with us is fine and I always thought he was happy, but just after we started dating he told me he had some trust issues as his ex was abusive, I knew them both and always thought they were fine, but they obviously put up a good front. She abused him emotionally, sexually and physically, the amount of times he was in hospital is endless, once for 3 weeks when she broke his ribs with a golf club, he never told any of his family, just said he'd been on holiday! None of them know now! I'm the only one he's told and if we talk about it he cries most of the night. I want him to talk to someone but he says it makes him embarrassed, less of a man, and who would believe him! He wants to just never talk about it again and forget it, but I think it still effects him sometimes! Should I just not ever mention it and talk about it when he wants too, or encourage him to talk to someone? I hate seeing him upset, so any input would be great.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jun 9, 2014 12:34:18 GMT
Hey Sarah,
For men I think it is twice as hard to be able to share their story and say they have been abused. Like your boyfriend said there is this stigma in society about that- why? I do not know and I think it should not be. But right now it still is.
One thing about people wanting to get help is, they have to WANT to get help. You can read stories on our board from friends of people still in abusive relationships and often times these friends have to wait a long time and witness a lot more abuse before their friend finally reaches out for help and gets away. In many ways this might be similar to your boyfriend. He must be very traumatized from that experience and the last thing he needs is to feel more "powerless" and have someone else tell him what he "has" to do.
You are and want him to get better and that is great! I guess one thing you can do is tell him one time in a calm way that you researched a counselor (in your area or another town if he is too scared to go to one in your town) and that you will NOT bring up that topic again. If he feels ready to go, he has a number and a place to start. But you cannot push someone into wanting therapy.
On the other hand- after showing him one last time you care and want him to get help, YOU matter as well!!
You are not a mental health professional and cannot be his non-stop support every night. Maybe you can explain that to him and how there have to be some clear lines so that you do not feel helpless and alone in this. Sometimes couples therapy can also do wonders. Either way if it doesnt get better on its own, then a good counselor can do magic and help a ton. Your happiness and mental balance is just as important as his. And in fact, for YOU, it IS the most important thing.
It is a bit like the oxygen mask in an airplane. You have to make sure you yourself get oxygen first, before helping others. Or else you would pass out and not of any help to anyone.
Hope that helped and let us know how you are doing and how he is feeling!!
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