sml
Member
Posts: 5
|
Post by sml on Aug 24, 2020 1:27:41 GMT
Today I feel down and out. I just wanted to vent. I gotta shake that bad feeling because I am useless when I am in a bad frame of mind. I get nothing done, and then I feel worse because I didn't get busy to take my mind off things. Also I am too tired to have those bad thoughts when I keep busy. Hi, I am calling myself SML. I am actually already a member of this site. I decided to start over and change my username. Reason being my ex-boyfriend has tracked me down on this website so he knows my old username. I don't want him to know what I am up to. It is none of his business. And, I don't want to be the butt of his jokes, the thought this makes me angry. so I felt it is necessary to change my username.
What I am writing about today is a toxic friendship. I know I know...find a new friend. Please let me vent. Is it me who attracts abusive anything..whether abuse relationship or abusive friendship.
She has lived across the street for years but we were never friends. I knew she didn't like me so I kept my distance. I gotta point out that I was friends with a different neighbor woman also across the street but I stopped talking to her two years ago. Now this other neighbor woman started showing interest in striking up a friendship with me. I already know it's because her other friendships fizzled out, and I'm convenient. I'm just across the street. We have only been friends for 2 months? Maybe 3 months. I already have this BAD feeling that this is toxic and I gotta get OUT. She has a terrible temper. other things I have also noticed is she seems very spoiled, whether she is or not, she acts like a spoiled person. There is no talking to her when I am trying to communicate her wrongs on me. She becomes more of a bully and she tries to include other people as though she is trying to create a gang-up on me. She makes me look ridiculous when I try to express that I don't like being treated badly. Of course this is my answer. She is a bully. She has allowed me to get firewood from her woods. She has trees down everywhere and it is a Jack-Pot of firewood for me. I burn for heat in winter to save on the electric bill. I already cleaned out my woods and I would have to cut down trees. Whereas her trees are already on the ground. But, look at the price I pay. I am in such a bad frame of mind that I can't stand the headache of it. I can't even watch TV to take my mind off things because I can't focus on the TV programs. I thought I was done with abuse. I had told myself I would rather be alone than sick with someone abusive, and here I am dealing with abuse again. I will have to start all over with the grieving process of losing a friendship or a relationship. The grieving process is almost like withdrawal from a drug addiction is always the way I looked at it, or withdrawal from quitting smoking or just withdrawal from any addiction. It takes a long time to feel better. I hate having to go through it again. When I stopped talking to the other neighbor woman I wasn't losing anything. Now when I stop talking to this neighbor woman in this new friendship it will be a huge loss. A loss of firewood. Then again I did see some trees in my woods that should be easy to cut down. those trees are actually leaning on a 45 degree angle, so there is no question where it will fall.
Ok, here is what was the last straw. This neighbor woman likes to go to the bar. She can't drive home from the bar. She has had too many DWI's so she will go to prison if she gets another one. I was doing the driving. She gets so mad at me. The first time she got mad because she said I drove too slow. The second time I drove a little faster so she doesn't bitch. She got mad anyway cuz she said I was driving too fast. She was actually getting up in my face to show me her temper, she was doing this while I was driving!!!! That is enough!!! We would both go to jail if a cop pulled us over. I don't want a police record, and I would end up with a record like hers if I keep hanging out with her. I'm glad I wrote about it on here. It makes it easier to make my decision. The thought of going to prison (because I would be piling up police records) is a terrifying thought. I hope this post isn't too muddled and unclear. Thank you for listening
|
|
|
|
Post by Guest on Aug 25, 2020 22:32:03 GMT
Loneliness and desperation are potent. But you are very smart, based on your insightful, wise words in your post. It's an abusive friendship of convenience. It's her using you as a whipping boy and a cab driver. Sadly, you live near this person and going no-contact will be very difficult. Bullies don't like to lose their victims.
About the drinking and bars, I believe a person is their truest self when drunk. Belligerent drunk on top of everything? This person is SO TOXIC.
Firewood? Wear your winter coat, snowpants, etc. at all times this winter if need be, as no firewood from her is worth it. I know, I know, your pipes will freeze. So heat your house with some freshly cut trees.
Are you driving while drunk, too? Stop that immediately! No longer go to bars, not with her, at least. Know how expensive a DUI is? A lot more than firewood costs. Same with the fact that from then on, on every job application, etc. you'll have a criminal record to disclose.
There isn't anything about you that makes you attract abusive anything. Most of the world is wicked. Most people are predatory. Wicked people are all around. Unfortunately, those who are abused, are the most likely to be further victimized in life. Abuse creates vulnerability and predators do sniff out vulnerability. The more harmed you are, the more likely you'll be further targeted for additional victimization.
It's so hard to go no contact when you live by the person. Not like you can up and move, right? But it might go that way. Nasty neighbors tend to ratchet things up. But staying in contact with her means guaranteed further abuse and harm, too. You're being traumatized. That's how and why you cannot even escape in watching tv, as it haunts you.
Perhaps you try the no contact, grey rock method. Play dead. Be as boring as a grey rock. Unlikely to work, though, as this latest predator has you in her sights.
Stay out of the bars. Stay away from being cab driver for her. It's going to be very hard going, as she'll want her cab driver to continue being there at her disposal, but yes, think about jail, losing your car, your license, court fines, lawyer fees, increased insurance rates for the next ten or more years of your life. And a criminal record.
Want to drown your sorrow in some wine? So be it, but do it quietly at home. This person is like playing with fire. You know this. I don't know how you're going to cut her out and keep it that way, but it must happen. Do you have home security? Probably not if you're looking for free firewood. Are you in the USA? There is energy assistance available through various programs. Sometimes the electric company. Sometimes churches. Sometimes it's an agency dedicated to helping people with their energy bills. Please don't be penny wise and pound foolish. Higher electric bills is cheap compared to a DUI's costs.
What about craigslist? There is a free section and people post free firewood and trees they want cut down quite often.
Sorry to hear about all that you shared. You deserve better. She sounds AWFUL! She also sounds like your run-of-the-mill abuser, a destructive, harmful person. Belligerent drunks. They are wicked people. She is wicked. There are no redeeming qualities about her. Please try to extract yourself. Do it like a bandaid - rip it quickly. No contact. Grey rock. No explanations. No discussions. No more firewood. No more cab driving. No more bars.
But ultimately, it's your life and up to you. Sorry to hear you've encountered yet another bad person and have been harmed and mistreated and abused because of that. It's them, not you. The world is full of wicked people. They easily outnumber the good and thus it's typically a life of pain and suffering for those minority good ones.
|
|
sml
Member
Posts: 5
|
Post by sml on Aug 26, 2020 18:34:50 GMT
Thank you, Guest. You are GOOD!!! Thank you for your insight. It was very helpful. It makes me happier about my difficult decision. Actually, this morning I went over there and grabbed my stuff. I had tools over there that I use for firewood, and I grabbed it and brought it home. I don't care if she hates me about my driving. I got my stuff back and I feel more relaxed than I was in days. It really was stressful with my stuff over there and not knowing if she would use it as blackmail or punishment. Anyway, now I got my stuff back.
You are right about the cost of DWI's versus firewood and your right it isn't worth it. It is something that occurred to me and why I grabbed my stuff without her knowledge. It is the easiest way for me to cut the cord. You are right about playing dead. Silence...I don't exist. She wasn't fun anyway. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. She does all the talking with long boring stories about her dear wonderful friends and how she is such a kind-hearted person towards her wonderful friends and I'm supposed to feel all warm and fuzzy for her and her wonderful friends. On and on her stories go, I was ready to jump out of my skin because I can't talk at all. She expects me to believe every word she says while she has called me a liar. She actually shouted at me, LIAR! Or she tells me to look her in the eyes and say it like she is trying to read my face to see if I'm lying about something. Being around her is so bad on my psyche. If I have to "prove it" every time...forget it!!
About firewood, I can figure out a different plan. I won't put myself in a bad place to get wood from her. I will figure it out. I do get energy assistance.
By myself, I don't go to the bars. I should be scared to death about COVID, and the DWI's. No more bars.
There is something else. Her ex-boyfriend lives with her in the house. It's his house. She says it's hers. He has had heart attacks and strokes. He is a feeble old man. She is his caregiver and she hates it, and she hates him. She gets mad at the sight of him. He mainly stays in his bedroom. He has asked me for help. He said it is the way she treats him. I feel terrible because I didn't help him. I am actually afraid to involve social service for fear that it will backfire on me and nothing changes for him. She keeps everything immaculate and beautiful, and there is food in the fridge, how would social services believe me? They are expecting filth in an abusive situation and if it's clean and neat, and food in the refrigerator, they walk in and walk out. The entire neighborhood would turn on me if I called.
|
|
|
|
Post by Guest on Aug 26, 2020 22:07:35 GMT
Good for you, SML! So proud of you for going and getting your stuff and being done with it. Takes courage. Lots of courage. She sounds awful. The long stories about how good and great she is? Genuinely good and great people don't have any need for such. Sounds like a vampire mining for narc supply. 'See how admirable I am?' In contrast, a genuinely good person does good and helps others because it's who they are and the goodness of their souls just being themselves and doing what they think they ought to do with the time, talent, and resources the Good LORD has blessed them with.
That she is an abusive caretaker fits the picture. And you are right to worry that any outside agency would mainly be preoccupied with appearances, which is how and why she perhaps does make sure the place is kept perpetually immaculate and with a well-stocked supply of food. Abusers know the law, and they pay great attention to what reporting agencies care about versus what isn't as likely to be seen as a red flag. Abusers know how to work the system. Just like your typical wife-beater will make certain to not mark up his wife's face and will terrorize her in all sorts of ways that might otherwise be difficult for her to prove. Evildoers are crafty and manipulative, as is their father, the devil.
I don't know what you should do about the request for help from the ex-boyfriend. It's unknown if social services will believe you and make real changes for him. There is a whole cottage industry of predatory guardians awaiting him, too, if the state intervenes. Does he have any family? Anyone else? Probably not. He could be drained and abused in some awful nursing home, too. At least he is in his home yet. You might want to look into Adult Protection Services. You could make an anonymous tip/report. And your concern for the whole neighborhood turning on you is very valid. Most abusers have plenty of allies and flying monkeys. You'll be likely demonized and she'll play victim. And if she isn't removed from the home, if she is indeed abusing him, then you've become all the more of an enemy then and the level of threat you represent to her will be that much greater. But on the flip side, you'll have done right by him, and anyone would want others to help them if they someday are elderly, feeble, and in such circumstances themselves.
Maybe pace your timing. Maybe not. I'm not sure. You have to protect yourself. I don't know how vulnerable you are, nor how much of a violent criminal she might become. But victims are especially prone to wanting to help others being victimized and abused. But we should fight against evil, too, and now he sought your help and for you to make an anonymous report to APS or another agency would be ethical and right to do.
He was able to communicate with you that he needed help. Perhaps he can self-report if you gave him the number of Adult Protection Services and took her out shopping or something with you to give him time and space to self-rescue. Or, better yet, if he had the number and the means to call, he could simply do it when she left to grocery shop. But maybe there is no landline and she always keeps her cell phone on her and that's the problem. Perhaps you can wait until she leaves at some point and sneak on over there and present him with options and information and see if he has a phone and give him the confidence to call and let him know you'll be checking in on him or have him call while you are present to know how it goes.
If the neighborhood turns on you, that's because they are groomed into being her flying monkeys and/or unwitting, deceived allies. Or they are bad people themselves. But think about what quality of people would truly turn on someone who reported elder abuse and helped a feeble old man escape further abuse at the hands of an abuser? They ought to respect your courage if they even figure out you anonymously called in a report of elder abuse.
You know your situation best.
So glad you are forgoing any more bars and any further drunk driving. Good for you. Grey rock it all the way. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, least of which her. You changed your mind. You've stopped drinking. You want to stay home until there is a COVID-19 vaccine. Or no explanation whatsoever. It's all up to you.
Glad you wrote again as I was wondering how you were.
|
|
|
|
Post by Guest on Aug 26, 2020 23:35:30 GMT
My gut feeling and my ethics say it is worth the cost to hopefully get the feeble old man out of said situation. He asked for help. I don't know why exactly he said in terms of help, but if he is trapped, he is trapped. She sounds awful and if it is his house, she'll be keeping him down in order to preserve her place at that house.
Perhaps his retirement checks are fat enough to supply him with a professional caretaker that can be arranged. If he cannot manage his affairs, he'll likely then have a guardian appointed to run his house and life. He could lose his ability to stay at home and be thrown into a nursing home while a greedy sociopathic guardian sells off his house and bleeds his assets.
Is she always there? Is there a window of opportunity for you to go there and discuss his options with him? Maybe he welcomes the thought of a nursing home and she is keeping him from such to preserve her job/home as his live-in caretaker. Next time she hits up the bar, perhaps you can go over there and talk about all these things with him and ask him if he'd like for you to call Adult Protection Services on his behalf. Perhaps you can help be his new caretaker/manager of his affairs if you are retired and sure the neighborhood might get to talking, but you'll be able to help him and he'd not only pay you, but the clean out of his wooded area would help him and give you firewood too.
You know things more than I. I just really feel bad anytime there is someone housebound, feeble, and completely at the nonexistent mercy of an abuser. APS may be worthless. But maybe he wants to try living at a nursing home and is willing to sacrifice his home and independence for good and become a ward of some professional guardian. Perhaps he can manage things at home if helped to hire a PT caretaker and helped to evict this woman.
I don't know. I hope you can talk to him again when she is not there and find out the scoop. It's good of you to help. But ultimately the decision is yours and you know whether or not any of this is feasible for you to do. You have to live out the consequences of it, not me.
I hope you help, though, for his sake and your conscience, too, as you said you felt bad. It depends on whether or not you can afford to be at war with this woman as it may not result in major changes. Abusers can manipulate with the best of them and perhaps if Adult Protection Services is called, she'll suddenly become the best ex-girlfriend there ever was and gaslight him, shame him, and manipulate him into telling APS that all is well, so they go away. Maybe she scares him into doing so. There are so many variables and possibilities, but perhaps with an anonymous APS report, you'll stay anonymous. And maybe you can talk with him and he says to call the authorities, there is abuse of an elderly man, and it's criminal and he has the strength to make a police report and tells you that a nursing home would be fantastic compared to living another day in his current situation and setup. Who knows, so many variables. I hope you can talk with him and find out exactly what help he'd like and that you are then able and willing to do just that. It has to be bad for him to have requested your help, though. I'd bet she is horrible to him. Nobody should have as their live-in caretaker someone who openly hates them and is a bully, a drunk, and probably an all-around abuser. Maybe this is a police matter, and a wellness check should be requested when she is not home so that when the police go to check on him, he'll have the opportunity to tell them his situation and if she is abusing him and all of that. Tell the police the suspicions, the request he made of you, the manner she acts towards you, how openly she hates him, how it is his house, not hers, how dependent he is, and so forth. I'm not sure if the police care or do anything about it. Elder abuse should be a crime but maybe it is not. I don't know the criminal code very well.
|
|
sml
Member
Posts: 5
|
Post by sml on Aug 27, 2020 19:06:05 GMT
Let me think about this. She already sent paperwork to the phone company to show she is in charge. He was calling the phone company every time he pushed a wrong button on TV remote and the phone company charged every time they came out. The paperwork she sent to the phone company puts her in charge and the phone company is not allowed to come out if he calls. She could send this paperwork to every agency. She might be untouchable.
I got my own problems at the moment. I screwed up and didn't pay a bill. I gotta scramble and take care of this asap.
I'll keep on eye on him from a distance and try to come up with an idea.
|
|
|
|
Post by Guest on Aug 27, 2020 21:18:52 GMT
She may have petitioned to make herself his guardian and she may then have all the power. In better times, he may have named her as power of attorney and all sorts of things and put her in complete control of his life, his medical, his finances, etc.
Sorry for your own difficulties. I'm sure you'll do well. And you know what is best and it's all up to you.
Here's to you!
|
|
|
|
Post by Guest on Aug 28, 2020 1:54:03 GMT
I've been thinking about this and if he is calling the phone company, then he has access to a phone and still remembers how to use it. Perhaps if he knew that there was such a thing as Adult Protection Services that he could call, then he'd be able to do so.
Sounds like he has dementia and that she has power of his affairs.
I'm not for sure on any of this, but even if she has herself named as guardian and has power of attorney, a complaint can be made and if the abuse is really bad then a court can switch her out, but this involves a court process and actual intervention and he then becomes a ward of the state, in essence. He might then, being as he'd be under the care of a professional guardian, be put in a nursing home, with his house sold off to pay for such and whatever the guardian bills him. And that can't be stopped or undone usually, as the court backs their professional guardians.
Perhaps if you notice she is not home, you could simply call him and relay this information, as opposed to going over there. But he sounds bad if he is confused to the point of not working the remote control and thinking the phone company will fix it.
But, if I am correct, even if she does have all authority and power to run his life and dictate everything concerning him, she can be taken out of such position by a court process to remove her power and authority and the court will then appoint a family member of his (which it sounds like he does not have) or more likely, a professional guardian, who could be a horror as well, who will then likely put in a nursing home and sell off his house. Maybe being moved to a nursing home would be a wonderful thing for him and he'd be able to socialize with others and have caretakers.
I don't know if I've been helpful to you or not, but I'm glad I got to chat with you. It's nice to know there are others in this world who care about others. I wish you health and happiness. I hope you also know the LORD and are Christian. And I hope you find yourself having either a mild winter or flush with firewood from a new source. It is a big deal. Keeping warm and all, but not at the expense of a DWI or worse.
Very best of wishes to you, Sml, and all the other victims of abuse, who might be reading this.
|
|
