Post by martuk2019 on Apr 3, 2020 6:14:29 GMT
Some advice would be welcome. I met a girl (J) from a dating site, and we had a date, kissed. We arragned to meet in the week, we ended up soendinfg the following weeknd togehter, staying over again at her place in the week after. I was at her house, actually when shre had the three children over, when the UK went into Lockdown. We discussed it, and she said she wanted me to stay and I felt the same way and we both decided to do that. The kids were there for the rest of the week till they went to ther fathers.
J is a worker for the UK NHS, a Paedeatric Dietician, and because of Covid-19, they are being asked to redeploy. I was nervous for her outting herself at harms way, and knowing she has had a history of being controlled in realtionships, from what she told me, and noticing that she apologises for lots of things, which I tell her she does not need to do, I was mindful to ask her about the subject of ward working tactfuly, asking her to perhaps consider certain aspects. Well, she got quite agressive if I'm honest, she said she doens't want me to care, and she felt "smotered" as I had been asking her if she was okay through ther day (she had a patient die on her the day befroe, and she was upset and crying, so I was mindful of seeing how she was in the day when she looked troubled). Her critique was about the way I say "Are you okay:. she said I should just nudge her and say "Oi, you okay babe". I said that is not me and it was not right that she should try to change someoens personality. After a while she said she felt like she was being unfair, that she did not feel smothered, she just said it and was sorry.
I did say to her, that I felt I was starting to fall for her. She said she knew, and she felt the same way. I asked her when she felt that. She said the first time we met when we kissed (This was a tad alarming to me to be honest to find this out).
The next day she apologised some more, and asked if I would stay with her and whilst she is not an easy person to live with, could I try. I said of course, and we will both make mistakes but we can work it out if we respect one another and communicate. That evening, it was my turn to make a mistake. We were chatting about certain groups that I am part of, and she wanted to be part of, but was telling me how we are too elitist and should embrace all people, irrespective of their interest in what our group is about. She was vissabilty irritated that I didn't agree with her and walked out the room. In the room alone, I'm thinking, "Oh, she wasnts to change the way I am yesterday, and today she wants to change the way I am today". I panicked, I wanted to leave and packed my things and was ready to call an Uber home. She cried and begged me not to do so. She asked if i couldn't stand with her and face the grit togehter. I cried eventually and said I wanted to stay, that I was scared and I apologised.
Anyway, I felt we both crossed a big stepping stone after this. The only disconcerting thing I fund was that she consistently referred to herself as a "bitch" as someoen "who didn't care", but I felt her actions didn't shoe that and I told her that I did not consider her a bitch at all. She said I would be disapointed because she is a bitch.
Roll on to today. It was her birthday. She told me she didnt want me to do anything for it. My friend had messaged me a happy birthday message for her, but I was feelign too nervous for a while to let her know, because I was starting to be afriad that she could be "triggered" by something I said. She had been in direct contact with people with the virus in the past 4 days and I felt we neeeded a small chat about what to do. I was nervous again to approach her, but I mentioned if one of us got sick we would need to get supplies of food in, she accepted that, and then I said what do we do if one of us gets sick, she said we would have to isolate and then she told me she would send me home if she got sick. I said I'm there because I want to look after her if she is ill and thats why I have already exposed myself to the virus via her when she comes in from work.
She was having none of it. I said, and its how I feel, that my life is a stipend, in that she is a mother, she works for the health service, my life by contrast is worth risking to look after and care for her. At this point she literally scremed in my face and told me how dare I talk like that, she sees people dying and I dare not to value life. She said she can't bear to look at me. I was just stunned, I said nothing and she went into another room. I rang my friend and said that I felt I was able to do no right. I left the house for the first time that day to go for a 15 min walk to clear my head. I had ealrier that evening made some dinner and bought a bottle of champange for her birthday, so my plan was to go back, try to chat and find out what I had done wrong, and attemot to have a good evening.
I got back, my bags were packed and she was saying it was better if I leave. I was a bit stunned, and she said that I walked out the house, so it was obvious I wanted to leave. I said not at all. She said she heard me say to my friend that I felt I couldn't win, so she thought I should leave. Again, I said this wasnt the case. She was still very agressive saying to me that she had told me she was abitch, and I'm upset because I didn't belive it. She also told me off fr having no tact about mentioning what I said about me having no life. I remidned her that she wanted me to stay and was seemingly so happy with me and bosting to her freinds about me and now she asks me to leave.
She said she has to watch what she says around me and is walking on egg shells. (She later said she didn't say that, but instead said after today she would feel she would have too, but like the "smothering" accusation the other day, it seems to have been just used to what feels like Gaslighting). She begged me not to call it the end of the realtionship, as I was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I told her, being asked to leave, under these circumstances, in the middle of the night, does not lend itself to be wanting to carry on anything. Sh said it was my choice, but she didn't want to end things between us. Because /lockdwon could be for as long as three months, she said if I loved her I could wait three months for her.
I realised I could say nothing to sway her and got my uber and went home. I blocked her from Whatsap but she sent me an SMS, where she says she understands that IO'm cross and heartbroken and tells me she sent me home "to protect" me and went onto say it was hard decsion but the right one to protect me. She then proceeded to tell me how amazing I am. She then says I I find love for myself I bwill be happier and then tells me how much she enjoyed our time together.
I got into a bit of a argument/debate, which I shouldn't have done, but I was explaining that it was scary being scremed at in the face,which she denied ever doing, or bring close to me when she raised her voice, "I riaed my voice from a distance t ensure you knew how I felt at that moment in time".
I said I was wrong, as I had assumed she wasn't the bitch she proclaimed herself to be. In the messages I see her go from saying again its my fault for not beliving her, to her saying she cares and loves me caring and looking after her. She told me action spoeaks louder than words, and all the lovely thigns she said to me and about me to her family and freinds led me to honestly belive this whole "bitch" thing was her facade. I feel I have been wrong on this one.
I said I felt lied to and manipulated. I said all the things she said to me where basically all on her terms, on how and when she wanted things. I let her know I was beginning to feel intimdated by mentioning certain subjects for fear of her getting agressive or defensive. She said I was lying to her by telling her previpusly I felt happy, but I think the realisation that I really felt a bit tentative was today.
I said we were incompatible. I am caring and try to be a nice person, and it cannot work with someoen who proclaims to be a bitch, and does not care as much.
At this point I have decided to walk away and thankfully feel I found out all this now. But, is she ANOTHER narc do people think, because if she is, I don't know, I really don't know what's wrong with me to keep finding these people.
J is a worker for the UK NHS, a Paedeatric Dietician, and because of Covid-19, they are being asked to redeploy. I was nervous for her outting herself at harms way, and knowing she has had a history of being controlled in realtionships, from what she told me, and noticing that she apologises for lots of things, which I tell her she does not need to do, I was mindful to ask her about the subject of ward working tactfuly, asking her to perhaps consider certain aspects. Well, she got quite agressive if I'm honest, she said she doens't want me to care, and she felt "smotered" as I had been asking her if she was okay through ther day (she had a patient die on her the day befroe, and she was upset and crying, so I was mindful of seeing how she was in the day when she looked troubled). Her critique was about the way I say "Are you okay:. she said I should just nudge her and say "Oi, you okay babe". I said that is not me and it was not right that she should try to change someoens personality. After a while she said she felt like she was being unfair, that she did not feel smothered, she just said it and was sorry.
I did say to her, that I felt I was starting to fall for her. She said she knew, and she felt the same way. I asked her when she felt that. She said the first time we met when we kissed (This was a tad alarming to me to be honest to find this out).
The next day she apologised some more, and asked if I would stay with her and whilst she is not an easy person to live with, could I try. I said of course, and we will both make mistakes but we can work it out if we respect one another and communicate. That evening, it was my turn to make a mistake. We were chatting about certain groups that I am part of, and she wanted to be part of, but was telling me how we are too elitist and should embrace all people, irrespective of their interest in what our group is about. She was vissabilty irritated that I didn't agree with her and walked out the room. In the room alone, I'm thinking, "Oh, she wasnts to change the way I am yesterday, and today she wants to change the way I am today". I panicked, I wanted to leave and packed my things and was ready to call an Uber home. She cried and begged me not to do so. She asked if i couldn't stand with her and face the grit togehter. I cried eventually and said I wanted to stay, that I was scared and I apologised.
Anyway, I felt we both crossed a big stepping stone after this. The only disconcerting thing I fund was that she consistently referred to herself as a "bitch" as someoen "who didn't care", but I felt her actions didn't shoe that and I told her that I did not consider her a bitch at all. She said I would be disapointed because she is a bitch.
Roll on to today. It was her birthday. She told me she didnt want me to do anything for it. My friend had messaged me a happy birthday message for her, but I was feelign too nervous for a while to let her know, because I was starting to be afriad that she could be "triggered" by something I said. She had been in direct contact with people with the virus in the past 4 days and I felt we neeeded a small chat about what to do. I was nervous again to approach her, but I mentioned if one of us got sick we would need to get supplies of food in, she accepted that, and then I said what do we do if one of us gets sick, she said we would have to isolate and then she told me she would send me home if she got sick. I said I'm there because I want to look after her if she is ill and thats why I have already exposed myself to the virus via her when she comes in from work.
She was having none of it. I said, and its how I feel, that my life is a stipend, in that she is a mother, she works for the health service, my life by contrast is worth risking to look after and care for her. At this point she literally scremed in my face and told me how dare I talk like that, she sees people dying and I dare not to value life. She said she can't bear to look at me. I was just stunned, I said nothing and she went into another room. I rang my friend and said that I felt I was able to do no right. I left the house for the first time that day to go for a 15 min walk to clear my head. I had ealrier that evening made some dinner and bought a bottle of champange for her birthday, so my plan was to go back, try to chat and find out what I had done wrong, and attemot to have a good evening.
I got back, my bags were packed and she was saying it was better if I leave. I was a bit stunned, and she said that I walked out the house, so it was obvious I wanted to leave. I said not at all. She said she heard me say to my friend that I felt I couldn't win, so she thought I should leave. Again, I said this wasnt the case. She was still very agressive saying to me that she had told me she was abitch, and I'm upset because I didn't belive it. She also told me off fr having no tact about mentioning what I said about me having no life. I remidned her that she wanted me to stay and was seemingly so happy with me and bosting to her freinds about me and now she asks me to leave.
She said she has to watch what she says around me and is walking on egg shells. (She later said she didn't say that, but instead said after today she would feel she would have too, but like the "smothering" accusation the other day, it seems to have been just used to what feels like Gaslighting). She begged me not to call it the end of the realtionship, as I was the best thing that has ever happened to her. I told her, being asked to leave, under these circumstances, in the middle of the night, does not lend itself to be wanting to carry on anything. Sh said it was my choice, but she didn't want to end things between us. Because /lockdwon could be for as long as three months, she said if I loved her I could wait three months for her.
I realised I could say nothing to sway her and got my uber and went home. I blocked her from Whatsap but she sent me an SMS, where she says she understands that IO'm cross and heartbroken and tells me she sent me home "to protect" me and went onto say it was hard decsion but the right one to protect me. She then proceeded to tell me how amazing I am. She then says I I find love for myself I bwill be happier and then tells me how much she enjoyed our time together.
I got into a bit of a argument/debate, which I shouldn't have done, but I was explaining that it was scary being scremed at in the face,which she denied ever doing, or bring close to me when she raised her voice, "I riaed my voice from a distance t ensure you knew how I felt at that moment in time".
I said I was wrong, as I had assumed she wasn't the bitch she proclaimed herself to be. In the messages I see her go from saying again its my fault for not beliving her, to her saying she cares and loves me caring and looking after her. She told me action spoeaks louder than words, and all the lovely thigns she said to me and about me to her family and freinds led me to honestly belive this whole "bitch" thing was her facade. I feel I have been wrong on this one.
I said I felt lied to and manipulated. I said all the things she said to me where basically all on her terms, on how and when she wanted things. I let her know I was beginning to feel intimdated by mentioning certain subjects for fear of her getting agressive or defensive. She said I was lying to her by telling her previpusly I felt happy, but I think the realisation that I really felt a bit tentative was today.
I said we were incompatible. I am caring and try to be a nice person, and it cannot work with someoen who proclaims to be a bitch, and does not care as much.
At this point I have decided to walk away and thankfully feel I found out all this now. But, is she ANOTHER narc do people think, because if she is, I don't know, I really don't know what's wrong with me to keep finding these people.