I don't know where to turn

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your response. Just a few days after I posted, my husband found out he was being furloughed until further notice. He was supposed to work that weekend, Friday-Monday and I was planning to leave then. But he's been home since now and I hardly have any time to myself. It's getting to the point where I think I'm going to have to leave in the middle of the night, or when he's in the shower. I've had a bag packed and hid it where I'm pretty sure he won't find it. I just still don't know where to go. I can talk to my best friend and I've tried but he never leaves me alone long enough to have time to explain it to her. We don't even go to my in-laws anymore because my father-in-law is in his 60's with health issues and we don't want to risk anything. I talked to the hotline via chat but had to exit out before they could give me any information. I don't know what to do now? Call the police and have them escort me out? I have no proof of anything he's done. I told everyone the burn was an accident, even the doctors. I don't know if I could even get a restraining order and I don't know, maybe he wouldn't come looking for me but I think he might and what's to stop him?

He hasn't hurt me again, he's been acting really sweet since that day, but since we've been stuck at home together, it feels like the walls are closing in and my anxiety is over the top. I'm trying to act like everything is okay but I don't know if I can keep it up. I can tell he's starting to feel stressed too and I'm afraid I'm going to say something or do something he doesn't like and he's going to lash out. You're right that more has gone on than what I shared but it's hard to go into. I feel so ashamed for letting it go on for so long. If I had left 4 or 5 years ago when it first started, maybe it would have been easier. I'm so afraid people are going to think I'm stupid or I asked for this by staying all these years.

Abusers' family members side with the abusers. 99 percent of the time. She will betray you. She will choose her brother over you. This is a hard truth but it is reality. You need to escape before you are raped into pregnancy. Abusers love to trap women with pregnancy. Abusers know they have ties to you for life if they can get you pregnant. Please, realize the risk of being raped into pregnancy is super high. Think things are bad now? Wait until there is a kid in the mix and you have to figure out custody and do co-parenting with him for the next 18 years of your life.

He knows you are not having an affair. He wants to degrade you with his false accusations. It's manipulation. It's control.

Get your stuff packed and on the phone with domestic violence shelters early in his next shift at work. Be out of there the same day. Get in that car and drive away. Yes, you'll lose your best friend, but she isn't really your best friend in the first place, given she allowed you to marry her abuser brother. Abusers don't start being abusive when only in a marriage. She knows of her brother's abusiveness. You are especially vulnerable because you have no other family. Your abuser realized this. He knew how tied you'd be to his family, HIS flesh-and-blood.

He has entrapped you. You've been burned, he's seeking to impregnate you against your will. Soon he will likely rape you into forced pregnancy. You need to get out that door as soon as possible before you are trapped for life via a child between the two of you.

DV shelters are likely full. And yet, you think it's hard now, wait until you want to flee with a child or two in tow. So, work that phone. Drive to another state's DV shelter if need be. But do it in one swoop as your computer and cell phone are likely monitored.


Remember, you are in the fight of your life. He will rape you into forced pregnancy and trap you for life. His family will take his side. You must flee with all the seriousness in the world. Don't listen to another thing he has to say. Abusers are liars, manipulators, and destroyers. He is your enemy and has been all along. Deceivers that they are, he misled you into believing he cared about you, but that has been a lie all along. Abusers are predatory people. They will never NOT be predators. It's who they are.

Remember his sister is HIS flesh-and-blood SISTER. She will choose him over you. Don't confide in her. Things will escalate. Work that phone and get out on the same day you call shelters. Do it before you are raped into pregnancy. Take photos of your burns and your bruised half of face. Get an emergency protection order if you must remain in the same state. But I'd suggest getting into that car and driving away with your still non-pregnant self. It's very, very serious. So many women are further entrapped by forced pregnancies. Raped into pregnancy is a more common practice than you might realize.

Ultimately, I hope you are well. I hope you have escaped. I hope you post an update, if you feel it's safe, and you wish to do so.

Bottom line is additional murders are likely due to the pandemic and the financial crisis. You realize when the abuser feels he is losing control, he is likely to become more dangerous, to escalate the abuse. So, that's my concern. What will he do to ensure your entrapment? Will it be head injuries? Raped into unwanted pregnancy? Murder-suicide route? It's unknown. You might have the best idea, HOWEVER, I urge you to also realize that part of survival of battering is denial. Denial is survival. You've likely downplayed the level of risk and danger you are in, so as to not feel so much fear. That's common and to be expected. But it also endangers you.

So, you might be thinking this is all over-reacting on my part, but now you're entrapped, during a pandemic, with a furloughed abuser who wants to force unwanted pregnancy on you, who has injured you with a cast iron pan, who bruised the side of your face, who won't let you out of the house to go shopping. I hope you disappear while he is out shopping. I hope you are bold. Drive to the police station. Call battered women's shelters from a police station's parking lot. And he has abused you for 4 or 5 years now. I hope you are safe. I hope you are well.

Good for you, Cate! So proud of you!! His phone call was a violation of the court order. He knows this. You need to resolve to yourself that no matter what, from now on, you're going to report every single violation of the court order. You must enforce it with an iron fist.

You do need to find somewhere else to go. Your sister in law MIGHT be temporarily on your side but it will soon wear off. He can easily work her for information on you and she'll report it to him. Blood is thicker than water. He can get her to cave, so she cannot be trusted.

Get that temp order extended after the two weeks. Report the violation that has already occurred. That is an arrestable offense, I'd imagine, since you're the crime victim and there is to be no contact from him, the perp, to you, the crime victim. He cares about getting the charges dropped. That's why he is going the 'honey baby, I messed up' route. Very typical. Woo her. Sweet talk her out of charges. Get it dropped. The phone call was a test. Test to see if you'll enforce the temp. no contact order.

He may not seem it right now, but he is ticked. And there is a rage in him that is boiling. You've declared war (actually, he declared war on you long ago and you've now stood up and that's big). And there is no going back. If you relent and go back, things will get worse. The next time he attacks you, it'll be more severe. The injuries could be lifelong damage. And that's the physical stuff. You've already sustained enough emotional and psychological injuries, as no wife-beater starts out physically beating on his wife, without having first ground her down and beaten her down with words and emotional abuse and psychological terrorism.

So, warrior Cate, stay with sister-in-law for as long as you can, while actively planning and seeking other shelter. Are the battered women's shelters full? What about outside of your immediate area? Are they full, too? The advantage of going to a shelter is you'll be supported by trained staff, versus the perp's sister. And you might be strengthened in your resolve to escape the sham marriage you're currently in. They have contacts for lawyers. They have legal advocates. You need to do this stuff, anyhow, so why not be supported by trained staff while you do it? I'm assuming the shelters are full and you've called all the alternative battered women's shelters in other areas, too. Keep calling. Staying with the sister is better than going back with him. But she's not your ally. Once your face heals, things will change. He'll convince her it was an accident, a mistake, and there really wasn't much of a bruise in the first place and she bruises too easily as it is. The distortions, weaseling, manipulations, pressure, crying, etc. is already happening.

He has a lawyer. Unless it's a public defender, he's now paying thousands for legal fees. You've got a good shot of getting out. You made the jail break and thankfully the perp's sister cared a bit. That's good. It's actually shocking, but shouldn't be counted on, because it is so rare. I'm thinking she assumes things will be eventually worked out between the two of you. If perp brother goes to jail and/or loses a job, or suffers real world consequences, you'll be pressured by the sister, too, to relent and help her brother out, to not "ruin his life" and all. Don't budge an inch. It's easier said than done.

You may have married for life and taken your vows very seriously but it was a fraudulent, sham marriage. Don't be shackled to a wife-beater any longer. Now would be a most excellent time to get your divorce paperwork going and along with the restraining order, the extension of a temp/emergency order, and apply for benefits. Go to the local food shelf. Get support on housing options. It's better to apply immediately, than to wait another day because all such things take time.

I'll check again, but I'm so glad you posted again and that you are okay and on your way to freedom! Way to go, Cate. Hone your inner warrior woman. Pretend he is dead and buried. Think about how you want the rest of your life to be like.

The perp's sister isn't about to choose. Her brother is her choice. I've not seen or heard it go the other way. Ultimately, blood is blood. She won't choose you at the expense of her brother. Not in the long-term. And he won't allow her to choose you without paying a hefty price. So rely on her until you have an alternative, but work that phone and get an alternative. Right now things are in shock and the perp is feeling things out, seeing if you'll drop charges/restraining order, refuse to testify, etc. and return to him. He's going to turn super ugly once he finds out you're not going back. So, act in a warrior woman manner. And advocate only for what benefits and serves you. You alone.

Perhaps at a shelter you'll find a new friend, too, with another woman being similar to you and you can support one another. It'd be very helpful.

It's a naturally confusing time.

I went back and I'm so sorry, but I didn't feel like I had a choice.  I haven't been able to find a place.  I did find one out of state, then my car broke down, and when I went to get it fixed I found out he cut off the bank accounts.  The time came to get the restraining order extended and I didn't do it, I didn't see the point because I was back with him.  There is still a hearing coming up but everything is on hold right now and my case isn't a priority I guess because I had a place to stay and my husband has no criminal history.  He is still maintaining it was an accident, and he's being really sweet, anytime the subject of my leaving comes up, he cries and says he can't live without me, and makes me feel so guilty.  Some days I think maybe he really is trying to do better, maybe I overreacted.  Other days I feel like I screwed up really badly coming back, and then not getting the restraining order extended, and I feel anxious all the time.  Today has been one of those days, and he's noticed, and I can tell it makes him tense too.  He told me I don't need to worry because it's going to be different this time and he's going to make everything up to me.  I didn't answer and he just walked away. That was 2 hours ago and he hasn't said anything or come back in the room yet.  I can't stop crying, I can't stop worrying that something is going to happen, even though the last 10 days I've been back he hasn't even raised his voice, he hasn't even bothered me for sex like he was before.   

My sister-in-law did not want me to go back, she pleaded with me not to go, but I have no money, I only took out $200 after I left, and I can't live off of her.  She's self-employed and has nothing coming in herself.  At least here, everything is paid for, although not my car.  He says we can't afford it.  I know this all sounds stupid, I know being safe is more important than money.  But if everything was normal, I would have already had a court hearing, my husband would have been ordered to pay me half of the money in our bank accounts, my car would be fixed, I could look for a job, and I'd probably be in a shelter.  Everything is full though, and everything court-related is on hold.  I feel like there is no way out.