Post by Rena on Oct 19, 2019 19:02:21 GMT
Hello, I hope you can bear with me, this is going to be long. I am not sure where to begin. I am 27 and I have one son who is 4. I have been married for 7 years and am trying to get out but I'm afraid. Mostly afraid that I won't make it because I don't know where to start. I have been told my whole life that I'm crazy, stupid, useless. I had a lot of trouble in school with learning, and I think they tried to help me. There were a lot of closed-door meetings between the counselor, the principal, my teacher and my parents and they always ended with my parents coming out, taking my hand and pulling me out of the building. And saying to me that I'd better start trying harder. My younger brother was the good child, a straight-A student and he passed me up when he was 5 and I was 9. They would hang his A papers up on the refrigerator and tell me I could have my work up there too if I only worked harder. One time I got a B- on a quiz which was a big deal for me and my parents said good job but B- papers don't go on the refrigerator. I was also in trouble a lot for not listening, interrupting and forgetting things. My parents were of the mindset that if you got in trouble at school you were doubly in trouble at home. My dad used to tell people that when I was a kid he was constantly having to replace his belts because he wore so many of them out on me. I also had anxiety attacks, mostly from things I heard on the news, and nightmares of being chased were a regular occurrence.
I started seeing my husband when I was 18. I wasn't even interested at first, I had known him since I was 10 and he was 14 and I liked him as a person, I just wasn't interested in a relationship. But I guess you can say he sort-of stalked me, not literally, but he always made a point to start up a conversation when we were in the same place, and at the end he would say, are you sure you don't want to go out with me? After about 8 months of that I finally agreed. I thought he was cute, and it was clear he wasn't giving up do I decided to give him a chance. He swept me off of my feet and I thought I was finally being rescued. I was so desperate to get away from my parents. I had dropped out of high school and was working as a runner for my dad's construction company, and trying to get my GED. I had failed twice, after which they told me they weren't paying for any more classes because they weren't going to waste their money.
I moved in with my husband two months after we decided we were officially a couple. He wanted to get married right away but I held out for a whole year before I said yes. Things were good up until shortly after the wedding. He realized how much I struggled with things like grocery shopping and paying the bills. He'd laugh and say he didn't realize I was that bad at everything. One time I left the keys in the front door overnight and for the first time he shouted at me and asked me if I was crazy. Later he said this stuff was funny and cute at first but it wasn't anymore and I needed to get my shit together. I quit trying for my GED because he said school wasn't for everybody and I thought I was better off focusing on the things I though I should be doing like running the household. After the baby came, my husband put me on a strict schedule with our son. Alarms went off all day reminding me when to feed him, put him down for naps, and even to check his diapers. At first I didn't know that babies will let you know when they are hungry and when their diapers are full, so I just accepted it. After several months, I told my husband we had the schedule down and that I wanted to stop the alarms. But he wouldn't hear of it and we fought. We had never fought like that before and I think it was because I had never resisted him before. I wanted to end the argument but when I tried to push past him, he shoved me against the wall. I tried again to get away and he pushed me again harder and I fell. I left him and went to my parents but after a few days they said I needed to make a choice. They said what he did was not okay, but my son deserved for me to give his father a chance and they said I had a good thing with my husband. My dad said I should consider how I would make it on my own. I thought they were right so I went back. My husband said he was sorry and he swore it would never happen again. But it did and it got a lot worse once he knew that I believed I couldn't make it on my own.
All the controlling and manipulative things he does, he says is for my own good. He says he's just trying to take care of me. When he hits me he says he didn't mean it but he's just trying to get me to understand. My son hasn't seen it, my husband only does it when he's at school or in bed. And when my son is home I keep quiet no matter what because I know if I wake him up, my husband would blame me.
A few months ago, something happened that made me realize I can't go on like this anymore, and I'm really afraid of what he could do next. This day, my son had an appointment for a check-up and I forgot about it. And on that same day my husband got a phone call that our mortgage was 28 days past due because I forgot to pay the bill. He paid it right away and he said I was lucky they called because at 30 days they could have reported it to the collection agency. He usually picks up our son from school on his way home from work but on this day he came home without him. He said he took him to his sister's house because we had to talk. He asked what was going on with me, why was I such a screwed-up lately. I felt terrible and I told him I was trying my best and I said maybe I needed help with things. He berated me and he said he thought he married an adult, not a child. I started crying and he said if I wanted to act like a child he would treat me like one. He said he was putting me back on a daily schedule. I said I was not going to do that. I said I know I need help and I would be happy to figure something out WITH him, but it wasn't fair for him to dictate. He told me he had given my 7 years to figure it out and I was hopeless, useless and needed someone to dictate. I was so hurt and angry and I rushed for the door but he pulled me back and he said I'd better start learning to listen to him. He pushed me down onto the couch and he took his belt off and he said if this is what it takes, he'd do it and not to doubt it. I don't think I've ever been so terrified and I mean including my childhood anxiety attacks and nightmares. I told him I'd do whatever he wanted and he put his belt back on.
Since then I have been playing along and putting money away secretly to try again to get my GED. I have told my dad what I'm doing. Not about my husband's abuse but just that I want to get my GED and my husband isn't supportive about it. I hardly believe it, but my dad has been covering for me, so for the last month 3 mornings a week, when I'm supposed to be at work, I'm taking the GED classes. Just a week in, my instructor came to me and recommended that I get tested for learning disabilities. I mean, I knew I probably had them but I had never been formally diagnosed and I thought it didn't matter. I though I just had to try harder.
This is when my life changed. I found out that I have dyslexia and moderate to severe ADHD. And after that, I had non-written verbal and visual IQ test done and I scored 142! I had told the administrator that I had been called stupid all my life and when the results came back, he told me, "I can tell you, unequivocally,that you are not stupid. You are, in fact GIFTED." I cried in happiness and later in anger, and in grief over everything I had lost because no one including myself, believed in me.
I have confronted my parents and they admitted that my elementary and middle schools had both suggested at different times that I get tested for learning disabilities as well as ADHD, but they, my parents, didn't believe in those things. I was so angry, I couldn't see straight. They said they believe me now, especially after they saw the IQ results, but they didn't back then. They said half the kids back then were on Ritalin and they thought it was a sham.
Well, I'm on Ritalin now, it's only been just over a week and we are still working on the dosage, but I already feel such a difference. My husband doesn't know, and a few days ago he came home and everything on my list was done and he said, see, the schedule I gave you is working. If only he knew.
I'm scheduled to start with a tutor who specializes in dyslexia and I'm feeling really positive. Except, when I think about leaving my husband. I realize I don't know how to function out there, alone. I only know how to exist as a crazy, stupid, hopeless person,which I have believed all my life. I have always had someone looking after me, taking care of me, organizing my life. And now that I've learned I'm not any of those things I believed myself to be, where do I even start? I even find myself thinking, maybe everything to administrator told me was BS, a lie, or maybe my test results got mixed up with someone else's. I feel so lost. The thought of leaving was scary when I thought I knew who I was. Now it feels even more terrifying.
I started seeing my husband when I was 18. I wasn't even interested at first, I had known him since I was 10 and he was 14 and I liked him as a person, I just wasn't interested in a relationship. But I guess you can say he sort-of stalked me, not literally, but he always made a point to start up a conversation when we were in the same place, and at the end he would say, are you sure you don't want to go out with me? After about 8 months of that I finally agreed. I thought he was cute, and it was clear he wasn't giving up do I decided to give him a chance. He swept me off of my feet and I thought I was finally being rescued. I was so desperate to get away from my parents. I had dropped out of high school and was working as a runner for my dad's construction company, and trying to get my GED. I had failed twice, after which they told me they weren't paying for any more classes because they weren't going to waste their money.
I moved in with my husband two months after we decided we were officially a couple. He wanted to get married right away but I held out for a whole year before I said yes. Things were good up until shortly after the wedding. He realized how much I struggled with things like grocery shopping and paying the bills. He'd laugh and say he didn't realize I was that bad at everything. One time I left the keys in the front door overnight and for the first time he shouted at me and asked me if I was crazy. Later he said this stuff was funny and cute at first but it wasn't anymore and I needed to get my shit together. I quit trying for my GED because he said school wasn't for everybody and I thought I was better off focusing on the things I though I should be doing like running the household. After the baby came, my husband put me on a strict schedule with our son. Alarms went off all day reminding me when to feed him, put him down for naps, and even to check his diapers. At first I didn't know that babies will let you know when they are hungry and when their diapers are full, so I just accepted it. After several months, I told my husband we had the schedule down and that I wanted to stop the alarms. But he wouldn't hear of it and we fought. We had never fought like that before and I think it was because I had never resisted him before. I wanted to end the argument but when I tried to push past him, he shoved me against the wall. I tried again to get away and he pushed me again harder and I fell. I left him and went to my parents but after a few days they said I needed to make a choice. They said what he did was not okay, but my son deserved for me to give his father a chance and they said I had a good thing with my husband. My dad said I should consider how I would make it on my own. I thought they were right so I went back. My husband said he was sorry and he swore it would never happen again. But it did and it got a lot worse once he knew that I believed I couldn't make it on my own.
All the controlling and manipulative things he does, he says is for my own good. He says he's just trying to take care of me. When he hits me he says he didn't mean it but he's just trying to get me to understand. My son hasn't seen it, my husband only does it when he's at school or in bed. And when my son is home I keep quiet no matter what because I know if I wake him up, my husband would blame me.
A few months ago, something happened that made me realize I can't go on like this anymore, and I'm really afraid of what he could do next. This day, my son had an appointment for a check-up and I forgot about it. And on that same day my husband got a phone call that our mortgage was 28 days past due because I forgot to pay the bill. He paid it right away and he said I was lucky they called because at 30 days they could have reported it to the collection agency. He usually picks up our son from school on his way home from work but on this day he came home without him. He said he took him to his sister's house because we had to talk. He asked what was going on with me, why was I such a screwed-up lately. I felt terrible and I told him I was trying my best and I said maybe I needed help with things. He berated me and he said he thought he married an adult, not a child. I started crying and he said if I wanted to act like a child he would treat me like one. He said he was putting me back on a daily schedule. I said I was not going to do that. I said I know I need help and I would be happy to figure something out WITH him, but it wasn't fair for him to dictate. He told me he had given my 7 years to figure it out and I was hopeless, useless and needed someone to dictate. I was so hurt and angry and I rushed for the door but he pulled me back and he said I'd better start learning to listen to him. He pushed me down onto the couch and he took his belt off and he said if this is what it takes, he'd do it and not to doubt it. I don't think I've ever been so terrified and I mean including my childhood anxiety attacks and nightmares. I told him I'd do whatever he wanted and he put his belt back on.
Since then I have been playing along and putting money away secretly to try again to get my GED. I have told my dad what I'm doing. Not about my husband's abuse but just that I want to get my GED and my husband isn't supportive about it. I hardly believe it, but my dad has been covering for me, so for the last month 3 mornings a week, when I'm supposed to be at work, I'm taking the GED classes. Just a week in, my instructor came to me and recommended that I get tested for learning disabilities. I mean, I knew I probably had them but I had never been formally diagnosed and I thought it didn't matter. I though I just had to try harder.
This is when my life changed. I found out that I have dyslexia and moderate to severe ADHD. And after that, I had non-written verbal and visual IQ test done and I scored 142! I had told the administrator that I had been called stupid all my life and when the results came back, he told me, "I can tell you, unequivocally,that you are not stupid. You are, in fact GIFTED." I cried in happiness and later in anger, and in grief over everything I had lost because no one including myself, believed in me.
I have confronted my parents and they admitted that my elementary and middle schools had both suggested at different times that I get tested for learning disabilities as well as ADHD, but they, my parents, didn't believe in those things. I was so angry, I couldn't see straight. They said they believe me now, especially after they saw the IQ results, but they didn't back then. They said half the kids back then were on Ritalin and they thought it was a sham.
Well, I'm on Ritalin now, it's only been just over a week and we are still working on the dosage, but I already feel such a difference. My husband doesn't know, and a few days ago he came home and everything on my list was done and he said, see, the schedule I gave you is working. If only he knew.
I'm scheduled to start with a tutor who specializes in dyslexia and I'm feeling really positive. Except, when I think about leaving my husband. I realize I don't know how to function out there, alone. I only know how to exist as a crazy, stupid, hopeless person,which I have believed all my life. I have always had someone looking after me, taking care of me, organizing my life. And now that I've learned I'm not any of those things I believed myself to be, where do I even start? I even find myself thinking, maybe everything to administrator told me was BS, a lie, or maybe my test results got mixed up with someone else's. I feel so lost. The thought of leaving was scary when I thought I knew who I was. Now it feels even more terrifying.