Post by martinuk on Jul 15, 2019 2:27:57 GMT
I have a history of being in cycles of toxic relationships and am trying to find one that is not...and I'm not sure I'm back in that same pattern again:
To be brief I met a girl (X) at an organised event and we seemed to connect really well. I text her the next day and over the course of several hours, we found so many things in common. it is worth noting that this woman is living with her husband and two children but she is clear that she is separated and wants a divorce. anyway, we arrange to meet for a drink the next day and she does remind me that it "not a date", we had a lovely evening and keep chatting by text every day and we met a second time, where I was slightly more bolder and making moves to be affectionate, she asked me why I was doing this, i said, because i liked her, did she want me to stop and she said no. She told me that she wishes she met me years earlier and started to list all the things she liked about me, which is not something I am used to hearing. Walking to the station we hugged for ages and she kissed my finger (it is a wounded finger that is disfigured from a gym accident many years ago) and that really touched me. We again were chatting every day and we met again before I went away for a festival - she asked me if I loved her, i said no, not yet. She still said we were not "going out", we were "just friends".
Whilst away, one day, I got very drunk and sent X messages saying that I loved her and I was falling for her. When I had sobered up she called me and said she wasn't there yet, but could be and thought it was sweet. I came back from my festialand had brought a gift back for her which I gave to her and she was touched and we kissed for the first time. It was a week after this of texting and talking that we had our first sexual encounter.
One evening I met her at a bar and as I arrived there was another guy at the table who said to me "oh, sorry, I had no idea you were together, I was flirting with your girlfriend", she said to him not to worry, I was not her boyfriend and he can carry on flirting. When we were alone she discussed her husband and how she doesn't want to lose her financial security for her kids. When I got home, I sent a nice message basically saying that I was beginning to feel like a complication in her life and it would be best if I stepped aside. She said that I was not a complication, that I made her like a woman again nd she was the happiest she has been in a long time. We met the next day and she begged me never to turn my back on her like so many other people have done. I said I would not do this. She said to me during this discussion about "us" that it was easy for me, as I had nothing to lose and I then said, but neither does she, as she wants a divorce, if i'm on the scene or not. My philosophy went, that I can't see into the future, but we have something now, let's take each day as it comes.
Well, we had really turned a corner from then. Whilst she would still insist we were not "going out", we de facto did. We went to the Theatre, Walks, Parks, Picnics etc, holding hands, kissing etc.
Then last week a couple of interesting things happened, she stays at home with the kids a few times a week so we don't see each other then, but we text. This particular evening I was going to see a female friend of mine at her place, because she was feeling low. Anyway, X says as I finish work, can she call me, I say sure, I said that I was leaving work and heading to my friend, then at that, very abruptly, she said she had to go and we would chat later. I then got a text later telling me he had been in tears because one of her close friends has killed herself and commented that she hoped my journey was worth it, as I should not be helping people who don't deserve help. I let this go, because of her sadness and sent a supportive message instead.
Then after a lovely Thursday spent together we messaged all day Friday and Saturday, where I was going out with friends that evening for a late night, she messaged me on Sunday as usual to say Good Morning, I responded when i woke up several hours later to say that I didn't have such a late night as I drank a bit too much and was home by 3am and how was she and what were her plans for the day - now her response totally threw me - here it is verbatim:
"what can i say...you're in charge of your own life, no need for anyone to lecture you on anything because in the end you will always do what you want to, that's just how it is...at least you had a good time I suppose"
After trying to make normal chatter I did say that I wasn't seeking or looking for her validation for going out - to that I got this:
"I have no right to validate anything. I merely assumed you regretted going out, drinking too much or missing the party you meant to go to because of it. It doesn't matter anyway. I apologise for trying to criticise your lifestyle, I have no right and it has nothing to do with me. I have to go, have a lovely day"
I spent the whole day literally going crazy and wondering why she would not message me, wondering why she suddenly "spat me out", I sought advice from friends who assured me I was not going crazy. We did speak and it didn't go well, she said she didn't need drama in her life and the next day I was advocating the benefits of communication with each other and she never responded much, even over the phone. My mind was in a whirl. I asked her to give me a reason to stay by her side, in other words, what is it about me, she likes so much. She initially misread it to assume I was asking why I should stay with her. Cut a long story short, I deleted her number and deleted her messages (I'm able to cite them above from screenshots).
That evening I got a good night wish and lovely image sent to me, to which I did not respond and the next morning I got a love quote from Shakespere, to which i did not respond and that evening I got a longer message saying she had thought about why she wants me in her life and spoke about the time she first kissed my finger and realised the intensity of our feelings and that's why she wont let me go. At that point i said we could meet the next day and talk, but my conditions were that she has to be more open, there has to be dialogue. We did, we firstly had a big cuddle and then she said she wanted me to be less romantic and be more "hard to get" and that we didn't really have a future. I said that this was not where I was coming from, I'm not going to start something and imagine failure. She seemed to understand that. She also told me she spoke to her husband about divorce. We had a nice evening overall, despite the fact I was getting sick at this point, with which i thought was the Flu.
By Friday i was really sick with fever and sweating and was developing Mouth Ulcers and she came over to mine and we had for the first time full penetrative sex (relevant). She had a nice evening and was telling me how lovely the evening was, she said she loved me. She also opened up about some very sensitive issues from her past. The next day she messaged me to say she needed to speak to me, she had things to say. She was also upset because she said she passed the place where her friend was found dead, for the first time. When we spoke it was her telling me that in the past she has felt compelled to give men in her life anything so they wouldn't go and she wouldn't do that again and it was almost as if Friday night was a source of regret - she said she perhaps needed time to think about things and we could have a chat, I said, like last week, I said, but we can do the same every week, it not very positive. She then cited a negative impact on her kids, I I asked again what my being in her life can be a negative impact on her life. I also said relating to Friday night I would never ever expect someone to behave a certain way towards me and i would certainly not use emotional blackmail to further my agenda, she knew this and said the issue was hers.
Now to conclude where we are at the moment, we are getting along still and messaging, but my "Flu", isn't "Flu". On the Thursday a few weeks ago, she had a cold sore, and I had no idea, I thought if yu kissed someone with a cold sore, worse that can happen is, you catch a cold sore, no, I have developed full blown Oral Herpes (HSV type 1), which upon first exposure leads to flu like sympoms and mouth ulcerations AND, on the Thursday we engaged in Oral Sex, and I have developed Oral Thrush, both of these at the same time.
One of my friends is very concerned and I quote "You have found out all this info about the virus and you have had it for a couple of days. She has had the virus for who knows how long. How could she not know the risks...Please look after yourself metnally and physically with this person. You are giving her way too many passes here".
If I'm honest, I don't know what the score is. I don't think she is NPD, after all, she has been trying to push me away from being with her and I have been doing the chasing, is it toxic, as she is the one setting boundaries telling me that there is no future. Then I wonder about everytime I do push away and she reaches me back, I wonder about the abrupt messages, the contrasting tones between Friday and Saturday and now I wonder about the Viruses, which for me, having been the worst illness I have had in manby many years.
I would be so grateful for opinions on this situation.
To be brief I met a girl (X) at an organised event and we seemed to connect really well. I text her the next day and over the course of several hours, we found so many things in common. it is worth noting that this woman is living with her husband and two children but she is clear that she is separated and wants a divorce. anyway, we arrange to meet for a drink the next day and she does remind me that it "not a date", we had a lovely evening and keep chatting by text every day and we met a second time, where I was slightly more bolder and making moves to be affectionate, she asked me why I was doing this, i said, because i liked her, did she want me to stop and she said no. She told me that she wishes she met me years earlier and started to list all the things she liked about me, which is not something I am used to hearing. Walking to the station we hugged for ages and she kissed my finger (it is a wounded finger that is disfigured from a gym accident many years ago) and that really touched me. We again were chatting every day and we met again before I went away for a festival - she asked me if I loved her, i said no, not yet. She still said we were not "going out", we were "just friends".
Whilst away, one day, I got very drunk and sent X messages saying that I loved her and I was falling for her. When I had sobered up she called me and said she wasn't there yet, but could be and thought it was sweet. I came back from my festialand had brought a gift back for her which I gave to her and she was touched and we kissed for the first time. It was a week after this of texting and talking that we had our first sexual encounter.
One evening I met her at a bar and as I arrived there was another guy at the table who said to me "oh, sorry, I had no idea you were together, I was flirting with your girlfriend", she said to him not to worry, I was not her boyfriend and he can carry on flirting. When we were alone she discussed her husband and how she doesn't want to lose her financial security for her kids. When I got home, I sent a nice message basically saying that I was beginning to feel like a complication in her life and it would be best if I stepped aside. She said that I was not a complication, that I made her like a woman again nd she was the happiest she has been in a long time. We met the next day and she begged me never to turn my back on her like so many other people have done. I said I would not do this. She said to me during this discussion about "us" that it was easy for me, as I had nothing to lose and I then said, but neither does she, as she wants a divorce, if i'm on the scene or not. My philosophy went, that I can't see into the future, but we have something now, let's take each day as it comes.
Well, we had really turned a corner from then. Whilst she would still insist we were not "going out", we de facto did. We went to the Theatre, Walks, Parks, Picnics etc, holding hands, kissing etc.
Then last week a couple of interesting things happened, she stays at home with the kids a few times a week so we don't see each other then, but we text. This particular evening I was going to see a female friend of mine at her place, because she was feeling low. Anyway, X says as I finish work, can she call me, I say sure, I said that I was leaving work and heading to my friend, then at that, very abruptly, she said she had to go and we would chat later. I then got a text later telling me he had been in tears because one of her close friends has killed herself and commented that she hoped my journey was worth it, as I should not be helping people who don't deserve help. I let this go, because of her sadness and sent a supportive message instead.
Then after a lovely Thursday spent together we messaged all day Friday and Saturday, where I was going out with friends that evening for a late night, she messaged me on Sunday as usual to say Good Morning, I responded when i woke up several hours later to say that I didn't have such a late night as I drank a bit too much and was home by 3am and how was she and what were her plans for the day - now her response totally threw me - here it is verbatim:
"what can i say...you're in charge of your own life, no need for anyone to lecture you on anything because in the end you will always do what you want to, that's just how it is...at least you had a good time I suppose"
After trying to make normal chatter I did say that I wasn't seeking or looking for her validation for going out - to that I got this:
"I have no right to validate anything. I merely assumed you regretted going out, drinking too much or missing the party you meant to go to because of it. It doesn't matter anyway. I apologise for trying to criticise your lifestyle, I have no right and it has nothing to do with me. I have to go, have a lovely day"
I spent the whole day literally going crazy and wondering why she would not message me, wondering why she suddenly "spat me out", I sought advice from friends who assured me I was not going crazy. We did speak and it didn't go well, she said she didn't need drama in her life and the next day I was advocating the benefits of communication with each other and she never responded much, even over the phone. My mind was in a whirl. I asked her to give me a reason to stay by her side, in other words, what is it about me, she likes so much. She initially misread it to assume I was asking why I should stay with her. Cut a long story short, I deleted her number and deleted her messages (I'm able to cite them above from screenshots).
That evening I got a good night wish and lovely image sent to me, to which I did not respond and the next morning I got a love quote from Shakespere, to which i did not respond and that evening I got a longer message saying she had thought about why she wants me in her life and spoke about the time she first kissed my finger and realised the intensity of our feelings and that's why she wont let me go. At that point i said we could meet the next day and talk, but my conditions were that she has to be more open, there has to be dialogue. We did, we firstly had a big cuddle and then she said she wanted me to be less romantic and be more "hard to get" and that we didn't really have a future. I said that this was not where I was coming from, I'm not going to start something and imagine failure. She seemed to understand that. She also told me she spoke to her husband about divorce. We had a nice evening overall, despite the fact I was getting sick at this point, with which i thought was the Flu.
By Friday i was really sick with fever and sweating and was developing Mouth Ulcers and she came over to mine and we had for the first time full penetrative sex (relevant). She had a nice evening and was telling me how lovely the evening was, she said she loved me. She also opened up about some very sensitive issues from her past. The next day she messaged me to say she needed to speak to me, she had things to say. She was also upset because she said she passed the place where her friend was found dead, for the first time. When we spoke it was her telling me that in the past she has felt compelled to give men in her life anything so they wouldn't go and she wouldn't do that again and it was almost as if Friday night was a source of regret - she said she perhaps needed time to think about things and we could have a chat, I said, like last week, I said, but we can do the same every week, it not very positive. She then cited a negative impact on her kids, I I asked again what my being in her life can be a negative impact on her life. I also said relating to Friday night I would never ever expect someone to behave a certain way towards me and i would certainly not use emotional blackmail to further my agenda, she knew this and said the issue was hers.
Now to conclude where we are at the moment, we are getting along still and messaging, but my "Flu", isn't "Flu". On the Thursday a few weeks ago, she had a cold sore, and I had no idea, I thought if yu kissed someone with a cold sore, worse that can happen is, you catch a cold sore, no, I have developed full blown Oral Herpes (HSV type 1), which upon first exposure leads to flu like sympoms and mouth ulcerations AND, on the Thursday we engaged in Oral Sex, and I have developed Oral Thrush, both of these at the same time.
One of my friends is very concerned and I quote "You have found out all this info about the virus and you have had it for a couple of days. She has had the virus for who knows how long. How could she not know the risks...Please look after yourself metnally and physically with this person. You are giving her way too many passes here".
If I'm honest, I don't know what the score is. I don't think she is NPD, after all, she has been trying to push me away from being with her and I have been doing the chasing, is it toxic, as she is the one setting boundaries telling me that there is no future. Then I wonder about everytime I do push away and she reaches me back, I wonder about the abrupt messages, the contrasting tones between Friday and Saturday and now I wonder about the Viruses, which for me, having been the worst illness I have had in manby many years.
I would be so grateful for opinions on this situation.
