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Son
Jun 26, 2019 15:42:16 GMT
Post by treacle on Jun 26, 2019 15:42:16 GMT
In brief, I got out of a very abusive marriage about 9 years ago. I have 3 sons, 2 of which by then were at uni but the 3rd was still at home and it was because of him that I stayed as long as I did in order to try to keep stability in his life.
He's always struggled the most of my children with the separation, and it was in part due to this, plus my ex's potential health problems, that I got back in touch with my ex last year.
It's been a rocky road, amongst other things with him keen for me to keep meeting his latest women (why on earth would I want to do that?) and obviously it's all brought back many unwanted memories. However, my sons all agree that it's been a massive step forward for them and made things hugely easier for them, so I feel that overall it's been a good thing.
In recent weeks, my youngest has been struggling with life (I've had him in tears about it several times) and in particular coming to terms with what his father did, how many women there'd been (we're talking serial serial adulterer here, along with massive abuse), and the effect his actions had on the family. My son said he was going to have it out with his Dad.
That was a few days ago and my son told me he'd had the conversation and that he now needed to put it all behind him and move forward. To me, it seems that he is now a lot closer to his Dad, staying at his house for longer, going out for meals with him.
It's great news that my son seems ready to move forward and have an improved relationship but I feel totally out in the cold. I'm the one who had to leave, to try to get a new life together with virtually no money, and have to leave the home I loved. And I've missed out on huge chunks of my children's lives as they've had to split their time between me and my ex.
I feel so selfish feeling like this but it's though my son has just cast me aside. Yet again, it's my ex who has it all and who has hardly suffered a jot.
I know life is unfair but I'd quite like a time when it isn't.
Be very grateful for any words of wisdom.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Son
Jul 1, 2019 22:28:59 GMT
Post by karen on Jul 1, 2019 22:28:59 GMT
Hi treacle, I am really glad your son is ready to move forward. I am glad he had "it out with his Dad", but I bet you all the money on this earth, that your ex did some fancy talking and your son may have been swayed toward believing that your ex "wasn't so bad". I am sure your ex did not let your son walk away hating him. In fact, your son may be more convinced that you were the "crazy" one. Just a suspicion I have. Only because jerks like your ex and several of my exes will ALWAYS do some talking that somehow makes them come out shining like a new penny.
Maybe when things are calm, talk to your son some more and try to see what that conversation was that they had? I really believe that your ex influenced your son. I would feel that way too and I have felt that way.
Also remember, Narcissists..they suffer all the time. They just don't look like it on the outside. Their suffering is very off and it may look like they are the "winner"..but they are not. They are losers...ALL THE TIME!
Perhaps focus on the quality of the relationship with your son. Help him to see that part of that "fancy" talk his Dad does is all part of being abusive. He may or may not understand it. My kids are a little older (23 and 19). They finally see what their Dad is really like. Yet, they still have and want a relationship with him. They feel obligated at times to spend time with him, there are times when they feel sorry for him (all part of his "woe is me" persona).
I guess what worked for me, is I let my kids heal and go through all the stages of grief that people go through when they are experiencing a loss. I also was bluntly honest with my kids. I shared with them books and information about abuse. I tried to educate them. My oldest has experienced abuse by living with a girl who actually was abusing her boyfriend, and most recently heard an encounter in the apartment above hers of a girl getting beat up and thrown around (she could hear it very clearly), then seeing the girl sitting outside the building crying. I keep teaching them about abuse. I help them to see how subtle it can be. That even some of the stuff their father did to me..I helped them see that what may looked like he was nice and giving and kind, was really him love-bombing me to get what he wanted. They also were on the receiving end of some of his abuse and games he plays. They also watched him treat his sisters pretty poorly.
But mostly, I was honest, straight forward, I didn't talk bad about their father, I just shared how I felt and what happened to me. I also have been there..a lot! I follow through with what I say and make sure I do what I say I am going to do. I don't stand in the way of them wanting to see him and I try and make things easier for them by being civil to him. I have offered to give him rides and even went to a show with him and my youngest..he wanted to go, she wanted him to go and they needed me to drive, so I did. He and I were civil, we got a long fine. I haven't seen him since and it has been good. I wasn't that willing to be around him in the beginning. My "civil" attitude only happened in the past few months (it has been over 5 years since I left). I had a lot of "rules" that I set and boundaries that I set. My kids thought they were awkward..but I had to have them for my sanity (at one point their Dad was not allowed in my house, he was not allowed in my car, my kids were not to give him my phone number and I did not ask about their visits with him and my kids knew not to share information about me with him). I asked my kids to respect my privacy and I would not ask anything of them regarding their Dad. We respected each other and things have been fine.
This all worked for me. It may or may not work for you. It is perfectly ok to feel selfish. I would honestly ask your children to respect you and your choice not to associate with their father, or at least limit your exposure to him. What they choose to do is their decision. And let them know why. That he hurt you, that he would say he loved you then go and sleep with another woman, and ask them "Is that love to you?" Help them to learn what abuse is and that it is a very real thing. They need to see that you are a strong, loving, good woman. Don't cower to your ex. Stand up and be firm in how you want to live your life. Your ex..he has NO say in how you decide to live your life. And, I would tell your children that.
I wouldn't be mean, I would just be firm in how you want to find your happiness, how it includes your children, and how it does not include their Dad. Hopefully, they will understand and someday really see what a jerk their father is, and hopefully not follow in his foot steps.
Let me know how things are going!
Karen
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Son
Jul 3, 2019 18:11:19 GMT
Post by treacle on Jul 3, 2019 18:11:19 GMT
Thank you for your reply Karen, and what you say makes much sense. As always on this site, it's so good to hear from someone who has been through abuse and knows the huge amount of damage it does. I've always tried not to be negative about their father to my sons because I don't want to potentially spoil any relationship they have with him.
I think it fair to say that the older two are very wise to him and his ways, but the youngest, who I tried to protect the most because by then the abuse was getting v serious but I was trying to give him some sort of family life, seems to be closest to my ex, which is both ironic and upsetting.
As you so rightly say, there is every chance that my ex, when discussing things with my youngest, will have put his own spin on what happened in the marriage and I don't imagine for a minute that he will have said I'm blameless. He always told me I was to blame so no reason to think that will have changed.
And yes, my son needs to sort through things in his own time and maybe he will come to realise the harm done by my ex to me. But then again, that might be too difficult for him and it will be easier for him to take as face value what I'm guessing his Dad will have told him. Also, my youngest is the most sensitive out of the three boys and will far more easily buy into the 'victim'that my ex will play on (while I was still living with him, I found out that he'd joined various dating sites and on one, he said that I'd walked out on him and that he'd be on his own on Xmas Day and having to cook for himself and three children, trying to get the pity vote. It backfired somewhat when a woman invited him round to her house for Xmas Dinner....).
You make a very valid point about me keeping my sanity and that in order to do so, it is necessary to limit contact with my ex. And that is something my youngest, in particular, needs to understand and it's a conversation that I will have when emotions are not running high.
Thank you again Karen, and I will certainly keep you updated.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Son
Jul 7, 2019 18:55:13 GMT
Post by karen on Jul 7, 2019 18:55:13 GMT
Hi Treacle, it sounds like you have a really good perspective on things with your sons and especially with your youngest. I am sure it is hard on him, he doesn't know anything different other than what your ex has raised him to believe. I know for me, my hope is that my daughters choose partners that are not like their father. And so far, my oldest has chosen a partner who loves her tremendously and treats her like gold. I love him as well. My youngest, I think she is still trying to figure out what she wants in life. She is only 18 and hasn't decided what she wants to be when she grows up, let alone if she wants a partner or not.
I think sometimes, the best thing we can do for our children is be consistent and follow through with all we say we are going to do. I promised my girls I would never abandon them again and I haven't. I have been there for everything that has mattered to them. I check in with them at least 2 times a week (one lives with me one doesn't) and I spend quality time with them. I take care of them. AND..I take care of myself.
Me focusing on making me happy has a "ripple" affect on them. They see me enjoying life, they see me trying new things, and having the courage to do things on my own. I recently went on a camping trip by myself. I have to admit, it was challenging for me, but I did it. They admire me for putting myself out there and doing what I enjoy. I am currently single, they know I have not really been "alone" in over 30 years. Being alone is not easy, I get really lonely sometimes. BUT..I keep a positive attitude and go forward. I bought myself a kayak, I lead hikes, I camp, I go to church , I do what is good for me. AND..that makes a difference to them, as in the past, they saw me give up my hopes and dreams and wants for whatever man was in my life. I have changed who I am in order to please a man several times in the last 30 years. No more.
So being a role model to your sons, that makes a difference. I think helping them to learn how to treat a woman the right way? That is huge. If we do nothing else in this world, parenting our kids to be responsible, kind, genuine people is the best thing. My youngest was really nasty to me for several years after I left her Dad. She was almost abusive like him. It was really hard, but over the past year or so, she has really made a big effort to change who she is. She doesn't abuse me anymore, I also don't let her get away with it either. I did for the first 4 years after I left the marriage. I had a very difficult time saying "no" to her, I was really afraid that I would lose her to living with her father. Fortunately, my standing up for myself made a difference and she no longer is nasty. Right now, she is home from college, and we are having a really good summer.
It sounds like you are on a good path with your older sons and your youngest son is still finding his way. But he will find his way and he will see that you are a strong, courageous, smart, loving, kind, genuine woman. And my hope, is that someday, he find a partner who is just like his Mom and he respects and loves her the way a woman deserves to be loved!
Keep going Treacle..Trust Your Journey, you sound like you are healing and finding your happiness!
Karen
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