Hi Enraged, welcome here. Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, there are many many many survivors who suffer from Severe PTSD. And, yes, many have rage. Even many survivors have feelings of rage, irritability, the impulse to act out. I believe it is a result of years of constant abuse and torture from the Narcissist in their life.
I have heard from some survivors who suspect they are becoming Abusive..and I am here to say, that from my opinion, you are not becoming abusive. You are hurting, you are reacting to horrible trauma that has found its way into your life. You deserved none of it, you did nothing to provoke it. The Narcissist who abused you..it is all on THEM.
I had rage when I first left my abusive (now ex-husband) and I found myself in a worse situation with another abusive man..that discard made the rage even more pronounced. I was very irritable, I had a lot of hate in my heart and my rage though, was directed at my abusers. I did not hurt anyone, but I wanted to.
I did not have severe PTSD..I did have a very mild case of it according to my therapist. What helped me to get rid of those feelings of rage is counselling. I went to my local Domestic Violence Center ( I am fortunate to have one of the best in the USA in my city) and I got counselling over 2-3 years. I also was treated by my therapist with EMDR which helps with how I now see and react to the trauma that happened to me.
If you have counselling available to you, I would urge you to seek it out and find a counselor who you trust and can work with to work through that rage.
One thing that helped me was to find things that worked. For example, I would literally sit in my car and play music as loud as I could take and scream! I would cry, I would yell, but I did it in my car where it wouldn't hurt anyone. I also would find songs that I could identify with and I sang them at the top of my lungs. I had to find a way to release the "energy" that the rage was creating in me. I also had a major issue with road rage..in the city I live near..people are idiots the way they drive. I would literally yell at everyone around me who got in my way. I also was not opposed to using finger gestures and laid on my horn SEVERAL times. I don't do that anymore, I got to a point where I don't care. I honestly also got tired of spending a lot of energy on feeling hateful. It wasn't who I was as a person, I never hated anyone or anything in my life before the abuse..after 30 years of abusive men, I had a lot of hate in me. I have since worked through it and fill up my "tank" with kindness and love. I am much happier because of it. Also, I found an outlet..I walk, I hike, I rock climb. I am active. Sitting still caused me to think a lot..and when I do that, that self talk in me gets my thoughts going and it is not helpful to me. So, I found outlets like exercise. I just had to get outside and walk or just breathe in fresh air. It all helped.
I like to write, I have several journals that I have created with my thoughts, feelings, poems, etc of all that was in my head and heart. I also wrote several letters to the abusers..putting that rage down on paper and getting it out of my head. I did not send the letters. Mostly because I had learned over time, that my abusers..could care less how I am feeling. I knew if I sent them, I wouldn't get the satisfaction I was looking for which is to get revenge on them. Getting revenge doesn't feel good. I have tried to find a way to get revenge, and I always end up coming back to the same feeling..it isn't worth it. The only person who is hurting by my rage and my wanting revenge is me.
I came to the conclusion that taking that rage and revenge out on others wasn't helping me and it wasn't helping those people who cared about me. They didn't deserve my rampage.
Also, one thing I know is when an abuser is gone from our lives, when a relationship ends, there is a grieving process. Even when we experience a "loss" of what we dreamed of and hoped for..those are losses too. It is grieving the facade the Abusers created. We had hopes and dreams and those are shattered as a result of the abuse..we have to grieve that as well.
Anger and rage are part of the grieving process. You may be feeling that also as a result of the loss you have suffered. We lose a lot when we are being abused. We lose control, we lose hope, we lose faith, we lose the man or woman of our dreams..as we come to realize they are NOT who we thought they were, we lose a dream of the future, some of us lose marriages and children, and we lose our identity as well. Meaning we thought we were a "good wife" or a "good mother", or "good daughter" and the abusers take that away from us. Some of us lose our homes, our belongings, things that had sentimental value because the abuser broke it or destroyed it. All of those losses take a toll on us and the way our brains respond..is with anger. I know for me..it was a mix of anger and sadness when I realized who my abusers are. That realization of what I married and what they REALLY are..it caused anger in me, rage, frustration, annoyances, sadness, utter devastation, you name it I felt it.
You may be having those feelings too. And it is very understandable. One thing that also helped me..is identifying what was happening to me. Gaining that insight to the rage and all the feelings after leaving the abusers..it helped me to figure out what was the next step for me. I did some of this identifying by reading and learning about Narcissists and abuse. The more I learned, the more it made sense what happened to me. AND the more I came to believe that I didn't cause it. AND that I couldn't have stopped it when I was in those relationships. The only way to stop it for me, was to leave. That and going NO CONTACT..helped me to start to deal with it all.
I am sorry you are going through all this. If you need to talk to a live person..I would urge you to call the National Domestic Hotline..1-800-799-7233. A counselor is there to talk to 24/7. You can remain anonymous and just get it off your chest. They are non-judging and will listen and offer to help if they can.
I hope some of this has helped you. Please know..you are not abusive, you are not becoming an abuser. Your brain is responding to trauma. Very different than being abusive.
We are here, and I believe others will reach out to you as well and share their stories.
Karen