|
Post by ClaireBear on Mar 10, 2019 7:59:16 GMT
So I'm not sure where to start. I feel kind of ridiculous being here if I'm being honest. My best friend says it's abuse. I didn't think of it like that before and now I'm so confused I don't know what to think. I can't sleep at night because I keep replaying the last 3 years of my marriage in my head and I keep looking at my husband and wondering how I missed it, if I missed it, and what "it" is anyway.
About 3 months ago I found out I have a chronic, but not life-threatening health condition that requires medication. The doctor said it may take time to find the right medication or combination of medications. It's a matter of trying them out and seeing what works best. The first one was great for over a month and then stopped being effective. The second one helped my symptoms but it also made me feel very ill. I felt worse on it than off it. So after a month of that I made an appointment with the doctor but it was going to be almost two weeks before they could get me in. They told me to keep taking the medicine until the appointment. I did for 2 more days and then it got so bad I couldn't even function so I stopped. I told my husband and he was okay at first, until my symptoms started coming back and he said he was worried and that I should do what the doctor said and go back to taking it. I said I would and I did for one more day and I couldn't take the side effects anymore. So I stopped again without telling my husband because I knew it would end up in an argument and I didn't want to deal with it. I did my best to hide my symptoms and tried to pretend I was okay. A few days later my husband confronted me. He shoved the bottle of my medication in my face and he said he knew I wasn't taking them. He said he counted the pills and there were too many left. I told him I couldn't stand how they made me feel and I'd rather deal with the symptoms of my disease until I could get to the doctor. I dealt with them for many months before my diagnosis and at that point there was less than a week to go. My husband got very upset and he said that he guessed what he thought or had to say didn't matter to me. I told him I do care but it's my body, not his. And then he got right up to my face and he told me that if I didn't start taking my medication, he was going to pull me out of the g*ddamn bed and kick my ass. He said it with a completely straight face, and he looked so serious it was like a punch in the gut. I didn't know what to think or to say. I just sat there on the verge of tears. I was so shocked that he'd say something like that. After a minute, he laughed and said he was sorry, he was only kidding, but he really did want me to take the medication. He said, PLEASE take your medication. I didn't take it and he didn't say anything more about it. I've since been back to the doctor and I'm on something new that seems to be working well without the terrible side effects. But I can't stop thinking about it. I tried to talk to him about it and he said he was sorry, really sorry, and he didn't think I'd take it so seriously. He asked me why I can't just let it go. When I relayed all of this to my best friend, she said it's not okay, I'm not overreacting and what he did was abusive and controlling.
That wasn't the first time she has accused him of being controlling. She would take shots at him about him being a control freak and when we were out together, she would tell me I couldn't let him tell me what to do all the time. She would tell me she was worried about me, and that he was going to get worse. The thing is, he's never ordered me to do anything, but he does tell me what he would like me to do, what he thinks I should do, and leaves it up to me. But if I don't do what he thought I should and anything goes wrong, he will point out to me that I didn't listen to him and maybe if I had things wouldn't have gone wrong. I have to say things usually do NOT go wrong but when they do, he pounces. It's mostly little things like not bringing a jacket out when he told me to, and the weather turning cold, or having that 3rd or 4th cup of coffee when he said I should stop, and then having insomnia that night. It really bothered me when he first started doing this to the point I'd scream at him, or I'd have to go hide in the bedroom so he wouldn't see me crying, but I have (or had) gotten myself to the point where it didn't disturb me at all. I would just roll my eyes and laugh and it became almost a joke. Oh there he goes again, thinking he knows everything. And he'd laugh too, so I thought, ok, he doesn't really mean it when he says stuff like that.
But now, I'm so confused and I don't know what to think. My husband has never hurt me. Once when I was screaming at him, he told me to get out of his way and I didn't so he shoved me to the side and then left the house, but he didn't hurt me. But my friend took it as, oh he shoved you? He must be an abuser. But if the tables were turned, if he was screaming at me and I told him to move and he didn't and I shoved him, would that make me an abuser? The conversation around that one got really heated and my friend and I didn't talk for a couple of days after that. When we did she said that it wasn't just the shove, it was the shove along with him constantly acting like a control freak. I love my friend, I've known her (almost) forever and I know she loves me and she's just worried, so even though I thought, at the time, she was overreacting, another part of me wondered if she was seeing something I wasn't.
Now since the incident with the medication, I can't just tell myself she's overreacting and I can't laugh it off anymore, any of it. I'm still not sure if it qualifies as abuse but I know it doesn't feel right. I have a lump in my throat that won't go away, I'm on edge emotionally and we haven't made love since because I can't get close to him without replaying it all. He sees it, I know he does. He's been real quiet lately and he's always offering to help me with things, he brought flowers, live ones because he knows I don't like dead ones, made me breakfast in bed. He seems like he knows he messed up and he's trying to make up for it and I feel guilty that I can't forgive and forget. But I can't. I can't forget anyway.
Please help me to make sense of it all.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Mar 11, 2019 3:25:51 GMT
Hi Clairbear, welcome here! I am sorry you are in a position that is making you doubt your husband and have to question your marriage over the last 3 years. Making sense of it all..it is very confusing trying to figure out what is happening. Thank you for sharing your post, I know how hard it is to wonder what is going on and not be able to figure it out. From what you have written, your husband sounds controlling and like "he knows best". He sounds very domineering at times. I am not sure if he is abusive, but I suspect he is doing things that could be considered a behavior an abuser would possibly do and there may even be things he has done that you have not mentioned. My experience is similar to yours.. I dated a man for 3 years and he sounds a lot like your husband in many ways. I never got hit, but he used to tell me all the time what he thought I should do, one time he told me not to complain about a concern I was having anymore if I wasn't willing to take his advice. He was quick to point it out to me how much better I would feel if I just did what he said. I ended that relationship 7months ago..I was being triggered by him all the time. My gut told me something wasn't right..I finally listened to it. I don't think you are overreacting and I wouldn't laugh it off either. It isn't funny. And, I agree with you 100%, not sure if it can be called abuse, but it definitely doesn't feel right in any way. I wouldn't suggest forgiving and forgetting. My therapist (I see her at my local Domestic Violence Center) tells me that whether he was abusive or not, the relationship was not healthy for me. A few thoughts about abuse, it can be subtle, very subtle. There is a point where we know something isn't right and we can't put a finger on just what exactly it is. The behaviors you are seeing and words you are hearing, they can get worse. it can start off with just a few "suggestions" and subtle thoughts of what is in your best interest. And over time, progress to nasty threats, nasty words, and ultimatums. Shoving you and showing no remorse..not a good thing. Yes, he didn't "hurt" you, but he could. Also, you doing that to him? Not abuse..there has to be a lot more signs and things occurring. I was married for 20 years..with him, my now ex for 26 years total. I never knew I was being abused until about 2 years before I finally left. When I finally made the decision to leave, he became a textbook abuser. Things got worse and I believe it was because I changed the "status quo", meaning I didn't agree with him any longer. My resistance to his thoughts, suggestions, demands, became very obvious and he didn't like it. I had gone along with his suggestions, ideas and I believed and trusted everything he told me. I wasn't happy though..and I kept trying to tell myself.. "oh, that is just who he is and I love him no matter what". AND, he never hit me or even threatened to hit me. His abuse was all very subtle and all emotional. I never really felt good in my marriage, and I tried very hard to feel good. I never did the right things, I was usually wrong about everything according to him and he thought he always knew what was best for me and our family. I had other ideas in mind and I put up with it because I had been taught at a young age that divorce wasn't an option, I was told to never quit, never give up and make my marriage work. I made a promise to him and I was determined to make it work. I got very good at "putting a round peg in a square hole". Abuse is also "cyclical", meaning there is a distinctive pattern to it. I see some of that in what you have posted. I saw it in my last relationship too. There is a pattern of calm, good, happy, loving time, next is a phase were things are starting to escalate..meaning tension is growing between him and I. I remember walking on "eggshells", feeling like I could step on a land mine any minute and he will go off. Him going off is then the violence happens..the yelling (getting in your face like he did) and the threats..to kick your ass and truly meaning it, and then the shoving. It sounds like the remorse is setting in for him now and the calm is happening. I suspect he is trying to make amends because he needs that "honeymoon" phase to happen again so he gets on your good side. The cycle starts all over again. This keeps happening in an abusive relationship and each time, the phases may get shorter in between. The comments he makes may eventually become more hurtful, your confusion increases, the self doubt sets in, and you begin to think you are going crazy because one minute he is acting sweet, loving, and like your well-being matters, and then Dr. Jekyll shows up and you can't figure out where Mr. Hyde went or why he went away. You ask yourself "what did I do? Why did he do that? And, Oh, maybe I just have to love him more and be better and consider doing what he wants, because then he won't verbally/emotionally attack me anymore, I won't set him off" "Because he loves me and I love him and I just have to love him a little better, he really just wants what is best for me right"? If he wanted what was best for you..he would let you decide what that is and respect your decision to do what is best for you. He would trust that your opinion and choice for your body is an intelligent, well thought out choice. He would support your decision instead of threatening to "kick your ass" and shake a bottle of pills in your face. Is that love? Nope, not in my book, that is unhealthy crap. In a healthy relationship there is mutual respect, there's no "My way or the highway" mentality. There's no "I told you so " mentality. AND..he would not demand that you take a medication that makes you sick, feel worse, and not be able to function. He would do all he could to help you feel better, he would support your decision to see the doctor when you are able. The bottom line here is "does this feel right to you?" And if it doesn't,(which I can see that it doesn;t) do you want to live differently? I would suggest reading a few books that may help you to figure out what is going on. Lundy Bancroft is an "expert" (in my opinion) of abusive men and the things they do. I read "Why Does He Do That?" and "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", both by Lundy Bancroft. He spent 20 years working with abusive men. When I read these books..I was shocked to see that my husband at the time could have had his picture in the book. I left my husband, went right into the arms of a sociopath/narcissist and learned first hand what "Not subtle" abuse looks like. That guy made my husband look like a saint. The book could have been written for him. There is a tendency here to want to talk ourselves out of what we believe is happening, but don't want to believe it. We don't want this to be abuse. We tend to doubt ourselves for many reasons. Many of those reasons being "I trust him, I love him..he would never hurt me (yes he would and he has), I am committed to him, maybe he is right, after all he just wants what is best for me, because he loves me". You not doing what he says, bothers him, because in his mind you should listen to him. Because.he believes he is right and he knows what is best for you..because for some reason, he doesn't believe that you can decide for yourself. That you need him to take care of you, you are not capable of taking care of yourself. Also, he is the man, he is right and he knows best (in his head). OR, he is abusive and to him, you should live your life to honor him and the way to honor him is do what he says because he is right. And when you don't do this..it is a blow to his ego. Something to consider..Your friend is someone you trust, someone who truly cares about you and your well being. She is seeing things that are triggering her "gut" and telling her something isn't right. She knows that abuse can and will get worse, and patterns start to emerge that perhaps we don't always see when we are in the middle of it. Take all that into consideration. She has nothing to gain by trying to help you, meaning this isn't about her..it is about you. She is probably reading and learning about abuse as it is very prominent in today's society and she is seeing "red flags" that are concerning to her. Listen to her. She isn't trying to hurt you. She isn't doing this for her personal gain. She has a gut feeling that is telling her something isn't right here. My friend had that same feeling. She told me several times what she was seeing and feeling. She has been my best friend for over 40 years..I didn't listen. I have learned, and I listen now. I have been in 3 abusive relationships and interestingly none of my partners liked my best friend. That is a huge red flag for me. I dated a guy in high school..my first love. He cared about my best friend, he also cared about my little sister. Those 3 abusers?...none of them liked my sister. My sister rescued me from the sociopath when he discarded me and kicked me out of his house. She took off from work, came and moved me out of his house. My now ex-husband never liked my sister, my last boyfriend..didn't care much for her either. All red flags. They don't like our friends and family..because they take us away from the abusers. Family and friends "influence" our thinking. Anything that causes us to not go along with the abusers' way of thinking..it is viewed as a threat and should be put out of our lives. Clairbear, listen to your inner voice. Trust your "gut"..it is there for a reason. We have this "inner voice" for a reason. It is there to protect us. Our gut senses danger, it alerts us when something isn't right. Your inner voice is sensing something isn't right. I know you are hearing it. Posting here is one way of you listening to your inner voice. If you need more support, I would suggest calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline..you can remain anonymous and speak to a counselor. They are very supportive and helping many victims sort out what is going on. Phone number is 1-800-799-7233. It costs nothing to call. You can also go to your local DV center and talk to a counselor. I am very lucky to have a great center in my city. Believe me..I never ever believed that I would use this service but it has been a Godsend and has helped me rebuild my life. I have written a lot, sorry if this is overwhelming to you. Please post here as often as you need to. This forum saved me..it helped me learn about what was happening in my marriage, in the relationship with the sociopath, and in the last relationship I was in. Everyone here is supportive, non-judgmental and very kind. We have all been in your shoes questioning what is happening and not being able to get rid of that lump in our throats. If you believe nothing else..please know that you have not caused your husband to act the way he did. You did not deserve to be treated that way. This is not your fault, but blaming ourselves is 100% a natural reaction. You didn't deserve to be shoved, you didn't deserve to have threats made in your face, and you did nothing wrong. His actions are his responsibility. I am here and will help you in any way I can. Sending you a hug as you try and figure this out. You are not alone, please know that. Karen
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Mar 24, 2019 4:59:50 GMT
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your response. You gave me a lot to think about. I have just talked to the domestic violence hotline and I'm kind of emotionally drained at the moment. I thought I'd get some clarity and instead I feel more conflicted. She didn't say, but get the feeling the counselor agreed with my friend and for some reason it made me angry. Not that I told the counselor I was angry I just told her I have a hard time believing my husband is out to intentionally hurt me. At the same time I can't stop thinking what IF they are right? What if I am just blind to it. He has been really sweet since the last time I posted but he has also started trying to tell me what to do again. It's happened twice and both times I told him not to do that anymore and he said he was sorry. He says he doesn't mean to do it. He says he's just an idiot. But something else happened this week and I think that's why the phone call with the hotline upset me so much. What you said about your exes not liking your sister? My husband told me he thinks I spend too much time with my friend. He said she's a negative influence. My doctor told me I should work on reducing stress and he says my friend is contributing to it. I thought about what you said and it hit me hard. I don't want to believe the things my friend and the counselor are saying about him. I want to believe it's all this big misunderstanding. I know it's stupid, it makes me feel weak that I can't stand up to him and tell him that he's wrong about my friend, the truth is she's like a sister to me, I'm closer to her than I am to anyone in my own family and I couldn't cope with all of this without her friendship. I'll never cut her off. Ever. But I can't tell him that. I tried to and I just couldn't get the words out. And it's not that I'm afraid of him. But I am afraid that he'll react or say something that will confirm everything that she's been saying about him. And like I said I don't want to believe it. At the same time I know in my gut that I'm not in a good situation. I'm just not ready to let go. I love him, even if I shouldn't.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Mar 24, 2019 5:42:05 GMT
Hey Clairbear..nice to hear from you. I am glad you talked to the hotline, but I too know how upsetting it can be.
Here is something to consider. First..sadly I can tell you honestly..I don't know of anyone who is going to tell you what you want to hear right now. And I have been there too, you want to be told "this is all a nightmare and you will wake up and your husband will not be an abuser. That this is all in your head and you are just over thinking. You have nothing to worry about" . That would be really easy to hear, but even if someone told you that? I don't think you would believe it, because your "gut" instinct is still telling you something isn't right.
This I know..he will keep apologizing and he will keep doing what he is doing and that is telling you what to do. AND..I suspect, if you tell him one too many times, he will go off on you in anger. And, somehow he will blame you for making him "do it" or "making him yell". If he really really really was sorry? He would change his behavior and make every effort possible to NEVER repeat the behavior. He isn't doing that.
I know you don't want to believe it and I completely understand. You love him, whether you should or not, that is just how you feel. BUT..you are not weak, and you are not wrong. AND..I promise you, whether you stand up to him or not? It isn't going to give you the satisfaction that you want. There never seems to be a good result of us trying to get the to understand us.
What is really hard to accept, is that there is a VERY good chance that HE WILL do and say things that will confirm how you are thinking. AND I am really sorry that this is happening to you. And it is ok to not be ready to let go, you may never be ready or in a year, you may most certainly be ready. That is hard to predict. But, what you are feeling now is ok. You don't have to make any changes right now. You will feel when it is right to do something different.
I know you have a ton of thoughts going on in your head. Please...do not give up your friend or your family..no matter what your husband says! He is going to TRY his HARDEST to get you to do what he wants. It is control..and that means getting you to focus ONLY on him and what HE thinks is right. TRUST your friend..remember, she is not trying to hurt you. She is genuine in how she cares for you.
ALso, your husband saying he is sorry, he is an idiot and he doesn't mean it? Count how many times he says this and goes right back to doing the same behaviors. Abusive people want one thing...FOR YOU TO BE 100% focused on THEM! And they will say and do ANYTHING they have to to make sure you do not stray away from meeting their needs. He may just be saying those things because he knows it will cause you to forgive him and he will be back in that "honeymoon phase" of the cycle.
Clair..I know you feel conflicted right now. Please read "Why Does He Do That? when you can. It will explain what is happening in your marriage way better than I can.
I know you don't want to believe it. Believe me, when I realized what was happening in my marriage..it was like someone punched me in the stomach and I never saw it coming. It was horrible. BUT..all I can tell you is you do not have to be unhappy and conflicted if you don't want to be.
It is very easy to be blind to it. I was oblivious, I was naive, I didn't want to see it, I certainly didn't want to believe it and even 5 years later, I still struggle sometimes to believe I was a victim of DV. For me, it was 4 different relationships..over 30 years of my life. I never thought I was good enough. And all 4 guys took great pleasure in their own way of helping me to believe that I was not good enough. All 4 of them followed the same pattern and it is creepy amazing to me the things they all have in common. ALL RED FLAGS.
I am here, I will be here to support you. Trust your gut, trust your friend, and I know you don't know me at all, but you can trust me. And I completely get how you are struggling right now and I know you don't want to hear it, but trust the hotline. They have nothing to gain by leading you away from your husband. None of us do. I have nothing to gain here, I only want to support you. I won't lie to you and I am only sharing what I know to be true. The hotline is there to help, to help you make sense of something that your heart and brain just can't fathom to be true. They want to protect you and help you to be safe and live the best you can. But, only you can decide what is best for you.
No one wants to see you be stressed, yelled at, hurt emotionally or physically, and conflicted. BUT..many of us know what these people do and why and how. AND..one thing I will promise you..you will never be able to love your husband enough for him to change how he treats you. NEVER. And, I know how incredibly hard those words are to hear. You are not responsible for how he acts or what he says or what he does.
Take a deep breath, find something to focus on that can give you some peace. If you need to, perhaps take a few days and go and stay with your friend, take a step back and regroup. If your husband has a problem with you taking time for you..especially with your friend? That is saying a lot. It says this is all about CONTROL and not about what you need. We all need time to ourselves to think and recharge. Do a girls sleepover and take some time to just focus on you. Go out to dinner with your BFF, or a movie, or to the spa and get a massage, just step away from your marriage for a moment and try to look at it with different eyes. Go for a hike, or take a walk so you can think. If he has an issue with this? That is a problem. He may not have an issue with it..but he may call or text you the whole time you are gone. Another big problem. OR..he will get angry when you get back. Remember..all his reactions will be because you are supposed to only focus on HIM..no one else, not even you.
I am here.
Karen
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 1, 2019 5:31:32 GMT
Hi Karen,
I have been thinking about what you said. I realize that you don't have any reason to not be honest with me and neither does my friend or the hotline. It's just that I haven't wanted to believe what everyone is telling me so I tell myself you all just don't understand, you don't know the whole story. And then something happens and I realize I've been lying to myself.
I did what you suggested. I took a few days and I stayed with my friend. When I told my husband he acted hurt and confused. He asked if I was still angry with him. I told him no. I said I just needed some time to myself. He said okay and he asked if he could call me. I asked him not to, I said I'd call him the next day. And he actually listened at first. I called him on the second night. He said it felt like forever and he missed me so much. We were on the phone for 1/2 an hour and that's all he talked about and how he really wanted to make things work between us. The third night he called me and I didn't answer so he texted me and I texted back to ask him if everything was okay. He said it was but he missed me and wanted to talk to me. I told him it was a bad time and I would see him the next day. He sent me a couple more texts which I didn't answer and then I guess he gave up. Truthfully it wasn't a bad time. I just didn't want to talk to him because I was afraid he would just lay another guilt trip on me.
When I got home he was really sweet but later he asked me sort of jokingly if I enjoyed pretending I was single for the last 3 days. I told him I wasn't pretending. My friend and I weren't out bar-hopping, we were just hanging out at her house and we went hiking and out to eat a couple of times. He said he sort of thought I forgot I had a husband and he wasn't sure if I was actually going to come back home. I asked him why he'd think that and he said because I ignored him the whole time and the one time we talked I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I told him that wasn't true and he laughed and said it was okay. He said it didn't matter, he was just glad I was home. I felt so guilty I told him I was sorry and then I felt guilty for apologizing because I was lying, I wasn't really sorry and then I felt guilty for not being sorry. He kept asking me what was bothering me and I told him nothing because I was just done talking about it and he kept telling me not to worry about what happened while I was gone. He said he wasn't mad about it and everything was okay. But it didn't feel okay to me, I don't know what it is. He's been really sweet ever since, really affectionate. He even told me that it was okay if I ever need time away again.
I just feel like nothing is ever clear with him. I feel lost and confused and guilty and my thoughts and emotions change so much I don't trust any of them. I'm sorry it must sound like I'm doing nothing but going in circles. I just don't know what to do or where to begin. No matter what I do I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 1, 2019 13:20:02 GMT
So I have to add something that happened this morning and it's really disturbing me. He woke up early for work and was making a lot of noise getting ready which he doesn't normally do. He's usually pretty quiet. It woke me up which I'm thinking was his intention because when I asked him what was going on he asked me if we could talk. I said sure and he sat on the bed and told me he was really worried about us and he felt like I was pulling away from him or even thinking about leaving. I told him honestly that I was worried about some things too but I tried to assure him I had no plans to leave him. He wanted to know what it was, what was bothering me I asked him if we could talk about it later but he kept pressing me and when I told him we could talk about it tonight he leaned over me with on arm on either side of me and he said we had to talk about it now. I tried to sit up snd to push him away but he wouldn't move. I told him I couldn't talk about it then, it was too early and I was too tired. Mornings are hard for me anyway. So he asked me if I still loved him and I said of course. Then he said to promise him I wasn't planning to leave, which I did and then I said please get off of me. He looked at me for a minute then he smiled a little and kissed me, and then he went off to work. He's called me twice already to tell me he loves me. But I feel like he's checking up on me. I don't know.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 2, 2019 2:08:22 GMT
Hi Clairbear, he woke you up on purpose. And it is disturbing because it is. He woke you up because HE...HE..HE wanted his needs met. He knows mornings are not good for you, yet he PURPOSELY woke you up just so he could feel assured that you still love him? Another thought..abusive people wake their partners up on purpose to deprive them of sleep, it then causes you to be confused, tired, irritable. When you feel like that? He then gets annoyed, because again..you aren't supposed to be annoyed, you are only supposed to meet his every need, then he blames you for feeling grumpy.
He basically demanded that you talk to him, and he used his physical body to prevent you from getting up and then he laughed about it. All he is worried about is how you feel about him. He doesn't want you to leave..of course not. He owns you.
I am glad to hear you got away for a few days, but from what you said..he didn't leave you alone. All those texts, and the phone call..again, it was HIM. This isn't about you needing some time to yourself, this is him controlling you and making sure you don't forget that he is in your life and he can make you miserable if he wants to.
You didn't ignore him the whole time. You paid attention to him. But, Clair..this time away was for YOU. A true gentleman who truly loved his wife, would let her go and do what is best for HER. He let you go with lots of strings attached. And he basically forced himself into your time away almost every day you were gone. You asked him not to call and he did. He couldn't even allow you some time to yourself without him in it. He didn't honor the boundary you set, and yes he did at first..but that can be a tactic to convince you that he is in agreement with your wishes. He obviously wasn't as he couldn't give you some space.
Clair, I suspect your husband is abusing you. And I know your head is swirling and going in so many different directions. He is getting more possessive of you and it is not because he is protective or loving..it is because he wants to control you and manipulate you, and that is why you are feeling so bad inside. Because, this man who has promised to love and cherish you is doing neither of those things.
Abusers are narcissists. If you can, read a bit about Narcissists. It is a personality disorder of the worst kind, and I would say 99.9% of Narcissists are Abusers. And the abuse takes on many different forms. The biggest thing is the confusion is causes in the victim. I was with a man who is truly a Narcissist..he played so many games with my head. He would tell me he loved me one minute and the next he accused me of horrible things, things like cheating on him, and making him look bad, and that I would let a guy take advantage of me..he jumped to all kinds of conclusions and none of them were true. Things that were very hurtful and for me, traumatic. It was the up and down of his mood..one minute he is nice and sweet and kind, the next he is ignoring me and threatening to kick me out of the house. I didn't know what was going on. He finally kicked me out and it was the best thing that could have happened to me (looking back now).
Him pinning you down on the bed is not good..he is sending you a message, that message is that he can dominate and control you if he wants to. He is checking up on you. That is exactly what he is doing. That smile this morning? It is a smirk..it says "I won, I am in control, and I can do whatever I want whenever I want, and it doesn't matter if it bothers you or not".
No apology for your thoughts, feelings, repeating thoughts and feelings or for "going in circles". All that you are feeling and all the thoughts in your head are very understandable. The important thing is is that you listen to your inner voice. You are hearing it and it is telling you something isn't right.
The one thing to keep in mind, your husband knows you are thinking that something isn't right in your relationship. He senses it and that is why he is pulling you in closer. He is telling you he loves you because he thinks it is what you need to hear in order for you to continue your devotion to him. I promise you, you are not the first person to think about leaving him. He has been down this road before, because he knows what to do in order to get you to focus on him. He knows things are coming undone, and he doesn't like it.
I don't want to scare you, but I want to tell you to be careful. Abusive people get worse when they think they are being left. My ex-husband turned into someone I didn't know when I told him I wanted a divorce. And as we got closer to me leaving and eventually I left, at first he didn't believe me. He said I was bluffing and that I wasn't really going to leave. Well, I did. And I went to live with another man( the sociopath/narcissist/ abuser...HUGE Mistake and one I regret) and my ex husband went nuts. He never once stopped to ask, gee, what can I do to help save our marriage? Never did he blame himself, never did he even apologize, he just went on to call me every horrible name he could think of. Vulgar names. He threatened me, he referred to killing me so I would shut up and stop talking. Yet, this man claimed he loved me?
I know this is a lot to process and a lot to take in. Your inner voice is telling you all the right things. It is making you question and please know..you are not wrong.
And Clair..please know,, we all do understand. We have been there, we know what it feels like to be so confused that we can't sleep at night, that we question every thought that comes into our head, that we look for every positive thing so it will convince us that he really does love me and it will be ok. We understand the confusion, the shock that the person we thought we knew, that we committed ourselves to, whom we gave our heart and soul to, is hurting us everyday and it doesn't matter to them at all. We want to talk ourselves out of what we know is true. And we want to trust that this is all just a mix up and we are overthinking everything. That he really is a good guy, he just is bad at relationships. We understand that "he is just that way, he can't help it". We have learned that "yes he can help it and he chooses not to". We understand that "oh, he is just joking around" and then we come to learn that he really isn't joking. That he truly believes that he is allowed to do and say whatever he wants and you are not allowed to disagree. You are not even supposed to have feelings about anything.
We start to understand that it is a lie. That we have been lied to in so many ways. And it hurts, it hurts like nothing we have felt before. And we ask ourselves "why?" "Why does he treat me this way?" He says he loves me, yet I don't understand why he keeps saying that and doing something different. None of it makes sense.
Clair, it will make sense one day. It did for me, but the only way it made sense for me? I had to educate myself about abusive people. About Narcissists. I had to read about it, I had to find answers, I posted here A LOT. I went to my local DV center and heard other women tell a very similar story to mine. I went to a support group, I went to counselling. I read everything I could find on domestic violence, abuse (financial, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and physical). And, I honestly kept looking for something that would make my story different..because if mine was different? then it wouldn't be abuse and I wouldn't be a victim of domestic violence. But, I read, and I learned and I literally saw my college sweetheart (he would tease me and put me down constantly), I saw my now ex-husband, I saw the sociopath I met online and moved in with, and even the guy I thought would be my last partner, the guy in my last relationship of 3 years, I saw him as he constantly triggered me with his abuse-like behaviors...I saw them all in the books, and the posts, and I heard victims talk of their partners and literally thought they were talking about mine. It was too familiar and I couldn't ignore it anymore.
I got out, and I have started over. I am 5 years away from my ex-husband, I am almost 4 years free of the sociopath, and I am 9 months free of the last relationship. And I am free...I have found the happiness I have been seeking by getting to know myself, and learning to love myself and learning that I deserve to be treated with kindness, love, respect, honesty, and genuine goodness. I didn't do anything to cause any of these men to be abusive. They were before me and they still are with their new partners. I didn't deserve to be called names, I didn't deserve to be put $50,000 in debt, I didn't deserve to be teased and made fun of by someone who claimed to love me, I didn't deserve to be accused of trying to get pregnant on purpose (which I couldn't get pregnant, but because I was late, he accused me of being pregnant and trying to trap him), I didn't deserve______you name it.
And Clair, you don't deserve any of how your husband is treating you right now. You didn't cause him to treat you the way he is and please believe me, he knows 100% what he is doing. And, it can be very subtle. It doesn't have to be a hit. It can be a shove, it can be rough "play" (got my hand sprained by rough play).
You are smart, you are brave, you are right in what you are thinking and feeling, and you have done nothing wrong. And please know..you cannot love him enough to make him change. Narcissism is not cured. They don't really ever change, they only get worse.
I am here.
Karen
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 4, 2019 5:30:49 GMT
Hi Karen,
Something happened and I'm really shaken up. I tried calling the hotline before I posted this but I was too afraid and I hung up. My husband and I just got into a huge fight and he stormed off. I'll try to keep it short. Monday afternoon he called me from work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I told him I wasn't up for it so he came home with my favorite meal from one of our favorite restaurant. I never told him it was my favorite meal. He just knew. He's always paid attention to things like that. I always loved that about him. I used to think it was so romantic. So, we ate together, had some drinks and we made love. It was actually really nice, and I started hearing that voice inside that told me that maybe I was overreacting and things weren't as bad as I've been thinking. Then last night, he wanted to make love again and I said I didn't have the energy and he said okay, but he wanted to sit on the couch and cuddle, and he kept kissing me and pulling me close and I get it, that's something couples like to do, it's something I used to love to do with him. But I started to feel smothered and I told him I was getting tired and I just wanted to watch the movie we had on. So he stopped but he acted really hurt by it. Tonight he came home and he started the same thing. He could see that I wasn't into it and he sighed and asked me what was wrong. I asked him what is with him lately, why was he all over me the last few days. He isn't normally like that. I told him I just needed some space. He asked if there was something wrong with him wanting to show his wife a little affection. He asked what my problem was. Everything just came out at once. I told him my problem was that he was smothering me, I couldn't even get 3 days away with my friend in peace, and I feel like he doesn't have any respect for my boundaries. I tried to reassure him by telling him that just because I don't want him all over me every second we're together, that doesn't mean I don't love him. It didn't work. He said if I loved him, I had a hell of a way of showing it. He said I used to love hugging and kissing and there had to be a reason I suddenly was repulsed by him. Repulsed, really? And then he actually asked me if there was someone else! Anyway, it turned into a shouting match and I could see him getting more and more angry and then he said he had to go before he did something he'd regret and he walked out and slammed the door so hard the house shook. He hasn't come back yet but he has called twice. I haven't answered because I'm just not ready to talk to him yet and I know he's probably calling to tell me he's sorry but I just can't deal with him right now. I keep trying to tell myself I didn't do anything wrong but I can't stop crying and this voice in my head keeps popping up telling me that I should have handled it differently, I shouldn't have been so blunt, I should have been more gentle with him. I wish I knew how to shut that voice up. I didn't do anything wrong, did I?
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 5, 2019 2:00:24 GMT
Hey Clair, no, you didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. You told your husband to let you be and he disregarded your wishes, totally disrespected your boundaries. Not good.
Abusers pay attention, they gather information to use later. And yes, you are very right, it looks romantic and sounds like he is very attentive and loving. But, he used it. They do that. It wasn't genuine.
I am sure it felt really nice, he was being that person that you fell in love with. The sad part is, that person is not real or genuine. The person who is accusing you of an affair, and being repulsed by him..that is the real him. He turned on you, went from being a nice loving person to a demanding, hurtful jerk. None of what he did was genuine. It was all because he is sensing that you are pulling away and he is going to make you love him. Bringing you that meal, it was a gesture to get you to believe that he really cares, but it was really to manipulate you and to get you to do what he believes you should be doing. He EXPECTED you to be devoted BECAUSE of what he did you for. He didn't do it out of the kindness of his heart and because he loved you. He did it because he wanted you to give him what he wanted. It was purely selfish.
"what is your problem? Can't a man show his wife some affection? All abusive tactics..Then he accuses you of having an affair and that you won't have sex with him so therefore you don't love him? All of this is abuse. And it is all him, he is completely responsible for his behavior..all on him. He is going from one extreme to the other, he is trying to confuse you and manipulate you and get you to feel like you are the problem here. He is accusing you of cheating on him..why? because abusers accuse their victims of the things they are doing themselves. He could be cheating on you.
Before he "did something he regrets" That is almost a warning or a threat..and it is so wrong, but also so abusive. Please be careful, he could hurt you badly. He could hit you and make you feel like you deserved it. Like you caused him to do it.
I know you are questioning what you did..Being blunt is not wrong, being honest with someone is not wrong. Please, don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault.
You didn't do anything wrong. What you said and how you said it is because this man is traumatizing you, he is abusing you, he is hurting you, and he thinks he is justified in everything he is doing. He senses you are going to leave and he is getting worse.
Please be careful. Do you have a local DV center in your town or city? He is getting worse and I am very concerned that he is heading towards turning violent.
He is going to apologize, he may even do that several times. He may bring you flowers, he wants to make sure that you are totally devoted to him. He may cry, he may beg, and then when you don't respond, he will get angry.
I know you wish you could've done things differently, it wouldn't have mattered. He is truly thinking that you don't love him, despite all the love and devotion you have given to him. You cannot love him into being a better person.. you can't give him what he wants because he will never be satisfied.
Is going to your friend's house again an option? Maybe taking more time and some space again would be good? But, please please be careful. Abusive people can become violent and the abuse worsens when they suspect their partner wants to leave.
Also, I know that voice is upsetting..but please, don't silence that voice inside of you. It is there for a reason. It knows that something isn't right, it is trying to protect you. It is sensing something is very wrong. We all have it in us for a reason. And your husband is giving you a reason for that voice to speak up!
You are a good person, you don't deserve this person hurting you. Clair, please call the hotline and if you decide to leave for a while, please make a plan with them so you can be safe.
You did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. This is your husband's fault. Not yours.
Please don't beat yourself up. THis is him, not you.
Karen
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 7, 2019 6:47:22 GMT
Karen,
I don't think I can get away for a while. My friend and her boyfriend are away all next week and the following week is Easter and we are going to my in-laws house for the weekend. I'm afraid things aren't any better. He came home at about midnight Wednesday night, after that big fight, and he said he was shocked to see me. He said "I figured you'd have run off to your girlfriend." Girlfriend. He uses that word because my friend is bisexual and when he and I married, she was in a relationship with a woman.He used to joke that she was after me, trying to steal me from him, because sometimes she greets me by saying, "Hey, gorgeous" and he perceives that as flirting. I can say with absolute certainty she has never come on to me or anything even close to it. But he doesn't believe it. So, I didn't say anything back to him, I was trying to let it--his use of the word girlfriend--go, but I guess he was determined to make a point. So when I didn't say anything, he started to go off about how I say that my friend is not trying to break us up, and she has no motive to try to break us up, but that she does have a motive and that is that she's in love with me. He said it's so obvious and he can't believe that I don't see it. I walked away from that conversation, he told me to come back and I refused and for the next 2 days he was pretty much giving me the silent treatment except to make rude or snarky comments. Today, he tried to talk to me again but it quickly turned into the same thing and I told him he was being ridiculous. I have known her for almost 20 years. I know her better than I know anyone. If she was trying to steal me, I think I'd know. So then he says maybe it's that I am in love with her. I told him that's insane and he went off on me with a barrage of insults. He said I was a liar, ungrateful, useless (because I don't work full-time, only very part-time and he doesn't know why he married me. I don't work full time because of my health issues and he knows it's hard on me because I always loved working, so him saying that was pretty brutal. I started crying and he just left me there and walked out. He just left me there. I expected an apology at some point today but he didn't even give me that. He went to bed early and didn't even say good night.
I feel completely drained and yet I can't sleep. I just don't understand why he's treating me like this. I am going to try to get away tomorrow to call the hotlines again but I just wanted to update you.
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 7, 2019 19:50:17 GMT
He woke up this morning and immediately started just being nasty to me. Saying things need to change and I better start being straight with him because he can't deal with my issues anymore. I told him to tell me how I'm being dishonest with him and he said by telling him I'm not thinking of leaving and by denying that my friend is the reason, that she hasn't been telling me to leave.
Well, she hasn't told me to leave him, not even once. She has told me she thinks he's abusive, a control freak and she asked me--once a few months ago, before all of this other crap started-- if I want to live like this for the rest of my life. Then she said she wasn't telling me what to do. She said she just wants me to be okay, and I brought up marriage counseling and she said if I felt like that could help, and I thought it was the right thing, then she was behind me 100%. She's never pushed me to do anything, she will tell me what she thinks but she supports unconditionally. I don't get that from him. So yes, in the last year or so, when I've needed support I have turned to her more than him and makes me sad that I've had to do that because his support has felt conditional in that he expects me to do what he thinks I should do. If I don't he feels like I'm ungrateful.
I was really upset this morning because he has always apologized very quickly and he has certainly never gone 3 days acting this way. I think he was waiting for me to apologize which I have done in the past but I didn't this time. So he finally came to me and asked me if we could start over and he said he knows how much my friend means to me, and he wasn't going to ask me to do anything I didn't want to do. He said he'd even leave me alone if that's what I want and so far he's done that but I feel like it's only a matter of time, and I'm still so stressed out. My stomach and my throat feel tight and I just don't feel okay. It's hard not having my friend here. But at least my parents have asked me out to dinner tonight so I can get out of here for a while without facing 20 questions when I get back.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 7, 2019 23:38:25 GMT
Hi Clair..thanks for the update.
Sadly, I am not surprised at all with how he is treating you. All that you are describing is emotional abuse. He has never been this bad before because the "apple cart has not been upset" before so to speak. You have always been loving, devoted, loyal, and trusting of anything and everything he has done or said. That is changing as you are seeing things and feeling things that don't feel right anymore.
The fact that same path of devotion is not being followed, he feels it and he sees it and he doesn't like it. "He can't deal with your issues anymore". Clair..this is an example of abuse. You are experiencing the wrath of a Narcissist who says "your feelings, thoughts, concerns..none of it matters to me because it is bothering me that you even have issues". In Lundy Bancroft's book..he says "Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with HIS anger, he has a problem with yours". He truly believes that HE is the only one in the relationship who is ALLOWED to feel anger. AND when he determines that the conversation is over? Then to him it is as HE is the only one who matters here.
If you can, please consider reading the book "Why Does He Do That?" Local libraries have it. It is on Amazon and you can look at it without buying it. Or, if you can, go to the library and sit there and read it. It will explain all of why he is doing this. It will explain why we have such difficulty believing they are abusive. It will explain why he apologizes immediately one time, then takes 3 or 4 days the next or doesn't at all. It will explain why he calls you nasty names, gives you the silent treatment, one minute blames your friend for everything that you are feeling or thinking, and then the next minute he flips a switch and supports your relationship with your friend. Why would someone be this way? Because he is abusive, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He has a very distorted view of right and wrong.
HE IS A NARCISSIST. AND HE TRULY BELIEVES THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO MATTERS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS HIM. HIM ALONE. AND, he cannot understand, nor does he care, why you don't get this.
Your friend is a good friend, she is not going to tell you what to do because she isn't a controlling person. She believes you need to make your own decisions. She is supportive of WHAT YOU WANT..unlike your partner who really doesn't care what you want.
Everything he is saying and doing is to get you to not leave..at one time in your relationship you "fed" him all the love, good words, you stroked his ego and probably did it many many times. You are not doing that right now and he demands that you do this. Because..he believes that it is your responsibility to cater to his every need, his every whim.
I know you want things to be better, but I can tell you they are not going to be better. The only way things are going to change is if you decide to accept how he is, continue to let him abuse you, and basically give up your life for him. And sadly, Clair..he would never do any of that for you.
Marriage counselling is a noble option, but all I can say is that it will not produce what you want. In marriage counselling, both parties have to admit flaws (genuinely admit it which he won't do) and be committed to change. He will be committed to making you feel like you are the problem and therefore you need to change. He will grow tired of it very quickly, he will make you feel crazy like you are the one who is changing everything and causing the problem. In his mind, He is devoted to you, he loves you, he gives you everything you need, how dare you not be grateful! That is what will happen, you will start to feel like you are crazy and it is a tactic that abusers use to control and manipulate us. He will be very convincing and you will feel way worse than you do now.
He may be waiting for you to apologize, but Clair, you did nothing wrong. Asking you to start over , telling you your friend means a lot to you, he won't ask you to do anything you don't want to do..Clair, these are all tactics to get you to forgive him and devote your life to him. It is a gesture that is calculated for him to get what he wants. He is manipulating you and he says he will leave you alone..but he won't. He is saying everything you want to hear..all to get you to do what he wants which is stay.
And, please don't misunderstand me...his motivation for doing all this isn't because he is afraid of loosing you, because he loves you so much. He believes that you are his, and he has every right to control you, manipulate you, demand loyalty and your 100% attention. It is all for the selfish reason of him being satisfied. The problem is, he will never be satisfied. NEVER. And you can do everything you can think of to make him happy and you will destroy yourself doing it. You cannot love him into being a better person. You can not talk him into being decent, you cannot argue with him until he sees your point of few. The problem is he does not care about anyone else's perspective because it is all about him. Is he worth all that? Honestly, they are not.
Here are some facts..The silent treatment is a punishment. That by denying you his voice or interaction, he is punishing you. He knows it bothers you and he does it on purpose because you deserve to be punished for causing all this uproar. I have had that done to me several times and I didn't deserve it. It is horrible when you are in it, but honestly, when I finally realized what it was and why it was, I was thankful for it.
One thing to think about..he didn't leave you alone when you asked him before, how would this time be different? Because he said it? Because he is honest and genuine? No he isn't. It is a game he is playing and he aims to win.
You will get 20 questions, or you will get none. It depends on which he thinks will benefit him more. Punishing you for going out to dinner..you may get the silent treatment. He may act like he doesn't care that you went out. He may respond in a way that is nasty and horrible for going out and leaving him home alone..how dare you do that? You aren't supposed to have a life outside of your home. Or he will be interested and appear genuine..he isn't. He may just want sex and to get that he has to be nice to you.
Clair, he is getting worse. He is abusing you. You have every right to be upset.
If you can, call the hotline, talk to a counselor. Things are confusing right now and it is very hard to believe that what is happening is happening. I am so sorry it is happening. There isn't an easy answer here. Your friend is right and believe me I wish she and I were wrong.
Your husband is not going to change. He is not going to stop abusing you. He insults you, he calls you useless, he ignores you, he is jealous of your friend and he saw you crying and walked away. HE SAW YOU CRYING AND WALKED AWAY...THAT is NOT LOVE. THAT IS ABUSE. And it is unhealthy, hurtful and purposeful. Not to mention mean and cruel.
I wish things could be different Clair. I really do. Please take care of yourself. Don't let this craziness cause you to become more ill. He will wear you down, he will blame you for making yourself sick. Focus on you. Find a way to take care of you.
Can you go and stay with your parents? Give yourself some space to breathe, to think, and to process all that is happening in your life right now? And, please whatever you do..be very careful about getting pregnant. It doesn't sound like you have children, but he could very well try and get you pregnant and you will be trapped and connected to him forever. Which is what he wants. He may make it sound so romantic to have a baby together, to build a family..etc. It is all a lie. Having a baby with an abuser is the worst thing..he will abuse that child because it will take attention away from him. And that just cannot be with an abuser.
Stay safe. Please try and sleep, try and focus on you for now. Your gut is telling you the truth. And please know that for now, unless you are willing to leave? Finding a way to be safe and stay is the only way to do this.
Can you stay with your parents for a few days? Just to give yourself some space? Going to your in-laws next weekend..can you become sick and not go? Would be nice to have some space and time to yourself. If you have to go, a few things to consider... watch your husband very closely. Watch how he is with his parents. Watch how his mother is with his father and vice versa. Watch how he treats his mother? And watch how she looks at her son and husband? You may say, all they all get alone fine, I promise you they do not. Something will be off. And what you are seeing may not be the truth.
Please know, you do not have to live your life like this. You can change it if you feel you are ready. And please don't beat yourself up for not seeing this. I was married for 20 years..i wasn't happy and I cried a lot from my jerk ex treating me the way he did, but I would have said you were crazy if you told me he was abusing me. I made every excuse I could think of and he was good at it. He is slick.
I am with you whatever you choose to do.
Karen
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 17, 2019 5:27:57 GMT
Karen,
He hit me. I feel so stupid. I'm with my parents. I've been for almost a week now. Things got bad right after I had dinner with them. He called me while we were out and I didn't answer because it was loud, so he called me when I texted that I was on my way back and he snapped at me for not answering the first time. He said sometimes he thinks that when I'm out with other people, I forget that he exists. So, it went on when I got home and in to the next two days and then I told him I couldn't go on like this. I told him I needed space to think and I was going to my parents. I told him I didn't want him to call, text, or show up and if he really respected my boundaries like he says he does, then he would abide by my wishes. He said I was unbelievable, the most selfish person on the planet. I started to say something back but I decided I'm not going to react, I'm just going to walk out. But he blocked the door. He said I needed to stay there. I couldn't believe he was serious so I tried to push past him and he grabbed me by both of my arms and shoved me against the wall. I told him to take his hands off of me, called him a f---ing asshole and he hit me. He looked stunned, he said he was so sorry over and over again, I was crying and he begged me not to, he said he just loves me so much and it feels like he's losing me. I said, why do you think that is? And he didn't say anything, he just opened the front door and I left. I reported it and the police picked him up but he wasn't even in jail for 3 hours. I think his mother bailed him out. He's been calling and calling from a random number, even his mother called me, and I'm not answering but he hasn't shown up so far. I feel so dumb for letting it get this far, I should have left back on the 6th when he called me useless, I should have known what kind of person he was right then and there, before that really, but I didn't want to see it.
|
|
|
Post by anonymous on Apr 17, 2019 7:55:51 GMT
But you reported it and he was arrested and that's huge in itself. Not sure if this is true for where you live but if he was in jail, doesn't that automatically give no a no-contact order where part of his condition of bail is to not contact, nor have anyone else contact you on his behalf -- like his mother calling you? Because the pressure is on to ensure you make the charge go away, that it gets dropped.
Not sure if your face is bruised or what. But if you are feeling stupid for having been hit this time, imagine how stupid you'll be feeling if it was more than that. I'm glad you're out of there and it sounds like this will be what cements the break for you. It's a happy thing, a cause for celebration, because you're going to escape before you get seriously injured to the point of permanent damage.
He doesn't love you. He wasn't shocked to have grabbed you and hit you. So many of them do that 'look stunned' bit but it's an act, nothing more. See about getting a new phone.
You sound like you are still an intact, independent person with a life to live. Sounds like you have support and options of family to stay with and this is very, very good. Make sure to use your strength for you and you alone. Glad you can see how he is an abuser and leaving is the plan.
He'll be wooing you. And if that doesn't work, he'll do some guilt-tripping, some pity-playing. If those don't work, get ready for intimidation, humiliation, smears, gaining allies of others, turning people against you, and potentially further violence. Depends on the abuser and if he has much to lose and some other variables.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 18, 2019 2:08:13 GMT
Hi Clairbear..I am so sorry this happened..oh my gosh! What he did is horrible and wrong in so many ways.
I know you feel stupid, believe me, I have felt stupid so so so many times! All you are feeling right now is very understandable and very "normal" for all you have been through.
You did all the right things, you called the police, you had him arrested and it is on record that he assaulted you. A paper trail has been started. Going NO CONTACT at this time is really the best thing you can do, I know it is hard to do this, but it will give you the space and time you need to sort through everything. Please, don't beat yourself up..you didn't cause this, you couldn't stop him from what he did, you didn't have any control over him. HE CHOSE to say what he said, to do what he did and to hit you. AND..no matter what he says...HE IS THE PROBLEM. NOT YOU!
I am so glad you are at your parents, but please be safe. Don't trust that he is going to leave you alone, that he isn't going to try and keep calling you, that he isn't going to show up there and bang on the door or throw rocks or trash or anything at the house. He may sit outside in his car and just watch the house. He will look and plan for ANY opportunity to talk to you, because if he can..he is going to do EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING he can to get you back. If you can..please do not talk to him, don't answer the phone, don't talk to his mother or his friends..trust NO ONE. Why..because it is all a scheme to get you back and I promise you...he will either try and hurt you again, he will abuse you again and again and again. The violence gets worse during this part of the leaving.
If you can, I would suggest getting a restraining order. You should be granted one easily. He assaulted you. Keep all the texts messages and phone calls, and e-mails. Because it is all evidence that you may need to build a case against him. Also, he may seriously do something to hurt you or your property or your family. If you go back to your home..call the police and have them escort you. Do not call him and tell him you are going. He will be there and cause a problem. He will not abide by your wishes to give you space. Take the police with you...don't think he will be kinda and considerate..he will not. He will not. He will not.
Clair, I know this is all so upsetting. Believe me, none of us here wanted to see what they really are. I can't tell you how many times I tried to talk myself out of that gut feeling about was happening. My last relationship..was not great. And I still can't tell if the guy I was with was abusing me. He was definitely doing abusive behaviors and tactics..but I still don't want to believe that he is what I think he is.
Please..take care of you. You deserve to be loved and cared for right now. Take time for you, focus on you. There are going to be moments where you feel like you got this under control and then moments where you feel like everything is falling apart. It is ok..let yourself feel what you feel. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes to your heart. Also, try not to focus on what others are saying at this point. Some are going to believe you, some are not, some are going to expect you to stay away from him forever and get a divorce tomorrow. Give yourself time to just process all this. If you want, call your local DV center and speak to a counselor. Counselling is very important for most victims..it takes time to figure this all out and counselling an really help.
A lot going on in your head I am sure. We are here Clair..anything we can do we will. Don't blame yourself..you did not cause him to hit you. You did nothing to deserve this. Nothing.
Sending you a cyber hug..take deep breaths, eat well, try and sleep, and take care of you!
Karen
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 21, 2019 3:58:50 GMT
Hi Karen and anonymous,
This won't be long as I'm not feeling great, but I wanted to give you a little update. I have a temporary restraining order but since he is calling from random numbers and not leaving messages except for just the sound of him breathing, they can't prove that it's him. As for his mother, she stopped calling after the 2nd day. He is being charged with a misdemeanor which I have been told most likely means no jail time. He left a big red mark and scratches on my face and after I got to my parents house it was still there so I thought going to the hospital and letting them take pictures would make a difference but regardless it's still his first offense so it will probably be probation at most. I mean it's not really about him going to jail or not, I just want to be able to leave the house without worrying that he's out there. I just want him to leave me alone. I have to go to the next hearing to extend the restraining order. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm not ready to see him again. I haven't slept well at all since I left. I feel so conflicted. One night, I'll have nightmares and the next, I'm kept awake because I miss him so bad it hurts. I know that doesn't make sense after everything he's done. My parents tell me I'm talking nonsense and they say I need to just stop thinking about him and start thinking about my future. And I know I should. It just isn't that easy. My friend has invited me to stay with her but I'm afraid my husband might find out and start trouble because I'm sure by now he thinks we have something going on. I'd love to get out of my parents house honestly. It's like they want me to be happy I just left my husband and that my marriage is probably over. I swear my mom is almost giddy about it. She never liked him that much and she's all but said "I told you so". But I feel like I'd be putting my friend in danger if I went there. She insists it will be okay, I'm not so sure.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 22, 2019 0:36:19 GMT
Hi Clair, thanks for the update.
The nightmares and being awake all night with thoughts of him are so understandable. You have been traumatized, the nightmares can be part of PTSD. Not saying you have it, but it can be part of that. And it doesn't make sense right now. There is hurt there and anger and a really strong desire to go to him and try and make it alright. What has happened is that we (victims of abusive relationships) become "addicted" to this person. It is like a drug addiction or alcohol addiction. We know in our head that the "drug" (a.k.a. partner) is not good for us, it can harm us considerable, yet we crave it, we physically ache for it and we feel like we cannot go forward in life without it. All of those feelings are what draw us to go back. An alcoholic physically depends on alcohol and to be free of the pain of NOT having it, they take a drink. And they usually suffer more for it. And many times, their life is worse as a result of going back. Going back to an abusive partner is the same.
I know it hurts really bad at times. And I also know your parents honestly have NO IDEA what you are going through. NONE. And in some ways,,what your parents are saying to you can be considered "secondary abuse". It isn't done to be mean, but it is still someone telling you what to feel, what to think, how to feel, and why you should or shouldn't feel a certain way. My sister (she had good intentions) did the exact same thing, she hated my partners (I had left my now ex-husband who was abusive and then was discarded by a narcissist boyfriend) and truly expected me to hate them as well. She COULD NOT understand (she is very happily married) understand why I didn't hate them. I did eventually..but I had to do and feel what was best for me. I went back to the boyfriend for just a few weeks for as soon as I went back, the abuse didn't stop. Nothing had changed. I left and never looked back.
I HAD TO DO WHAT I FELT WAS BEST FOR ME..I had to decide for myself what I wanted to do and then do it and that was hard, because I basically had lived my life for everyone else, and not for myself. I also had begun to grieve the marriage and the boyfriend relationship. I was MOURNING the loss of everything I had hoped for, dreamed about, and loved.
I kinda get a picture of the ocean and being on the beach..the Waves are POUNDING the beach and I need to get back in the water and not get pulled under by the waves, once I get passed the surf, I will be in the calm ocean. The partner and his abuse is the pounding waves and the strong desire to go back, but I know if I can just get passed all that, I won't want to go back. I won't want to go through all that pounding of the waves and hitting the sand, I will want to stay out in the calm beautiful ocean.
Staying with your friend..that is a tough call. You have the order and if he comes close to you, call the police. He has to stay away or he can be arrested. AND..in order for it to work? You have to be vigilant and call. We tend to feel sorry for them and don't call, all that says is we don't mean the boundary we have set..the one that says leave me alone. He will think you are bluffing if you don't call when he violates the order. AND there is a very strong chance he will push the limit and test you to see if you are serious. He wants you to give in and tear up the order and let him back into your life.
As far as going to the hearing, there are victim advocates that you may be able to get who will go to court with you. If you have a local DV center in your town (I live in the US and I have a "House of Ruth" very close to me), you can call and seek legal advice. They may have someone who is willing to support you and go with you to court. If your friend is willing, take her with you. This time is a very vulnerable time, going through it alone is not easy. Staying with your friend..it may be a good thing for you or not. Being in a place where you can find peace and allow yourself to begin to heal,that is what is important. I stayed with my sister and I love her for all she did to help me, but I had to do it my way. But she wanted me to do what she thought was best..I told her to back off (in a nice way) and stood up for what I needed and wanted which was my independence to make my own decisions. She eventually understood, but it wasn't easy.
Also, counselling may really help you. At some point, it may be something to consider. There is a lot going on when someone is traumatized by an abusive partner. A LOT. And we as victims tend to feel a ton of shame and guilt and embarrassment. There is also a reason we attract these type of men and a reason we are attracted to them. Counselling really helped me to figure all that out. My local DV center has free counselling. I just ended counselling after going there for a year. I have gone on and off a few times over the past 4 years. This time..I really dug way down deep inside and dealt with the pain and the trauma of the betrayal from the jerks in my life. It is something that has really helped me to start over.
Listen to your gut Clair. My motto so to speak is "Trust Your Journey". Trust that voice inside you that will help you deal with all this. Maybe think about your friend's home or your parents, whatever will help you to heal.
Wishing you well Clair..this is a really tough time. We are here to help, post as often as you need to. It is ok to vent..scream and yell, it is ok to cry, it is ok to laugh. It is all very "normal" with what has happened. And don't forget..the hotline is still there. Call them if you need to talk to someone, they understand. They have been there, they know what you are experiencing right now. They can help and can listen and can offer support.
Karen
|
|
|
Post by anonymous on Apr 23, 2019 10:36:50 GMT
I'm with Karen. People who haven't lived with an abuser have no idea what bad advice flows from their mouths and how hurtful most all of it is. You are grieving a marriage and a husband. Indeed. But what you grieve was never there. It was merely a trick, an illusion. There is no such thing as a marriage to an abuser. It's rather subjugation and predation. No real partnership. No real mutuality. But I understand that this is a dark time for you. Who wants to be divorcing? However, from others' perspective, they just see you with this wicked, horrible person and are abundantly happy to see you get away. They don't realize or appreciate the complexity involved. If calling the DV hotline and posting here isn't enough, think about possibly going and attending abused women's support groups. You don't have to share, but you'll get to hear other women's stories and see how you are not alone. Perhaps they are in the same situation as you, staying with their parents, hearing all but "I told you so" from those in their lives. You may make a friend or two. Your friend's place sounds pretty good. I didn't want to endanger anyone by staying with them either, so I get your sentiment. Perhaps discuss your fears with her. She might be honored by the chance to protect and shelter you. Possibly read some books about DV and you'll see yourself in other women's accounts of what was done to them. As for your missing him, that's common. It's what abusers do, they make sure your life revolves around them. Also, divorce is like a death. So you are grieving and it's hard work and the fantasy, the illusion, is that somehow your abuser will now be a better person, has learned that they can no longer abuse you, is willing to be a decent husband... but that's never going to happen. Mourn it all. Mourn what never was -- but you thought existed. And possibly turn your attention to getting through your presumably pending divorce. Divorce lawyers get paid their hourly fees no matter how bad of a job they do and they are known for ripping off abused women. File the paperwork yourself, if you can. Divorce attorneys are more often than not, fellow abusers, and fellow predators. Thieves, scams, and horrible, abusers themselves. Do a vision board if you want. Imagine a life for yourself. Look at dating websites. See that there are others out there. Treat yourself. Buy stuff for yourself. Do whatever you think it takes to propel yourself forward. You must realize that your abuser didn't have any good plans for you in the first place... and now that he was arrested and all, he especially does not have any good intentions for you. I don't know if you are a Christian but it might help to think of your abuser as a child of the devil. In my opinion, and based on what I see in God's Word, he is. Abusers are children of the devil. Give him a name. Abusers do this for when they abuse their wives (or always) where they don't refer to her by her name, or anything loving, but rather they say "that bitch" or "that c-word" or "whore". Perhaps, if you employ this tactic and create a name for your abuser, it'll help lessen the trauma bonding and further remind yourself and cement it that he is not the guy he masqueraded as being. Call him "abuser" if nothing else. Take his name out of your vocabulary. It might help. It might not. My thoughts are just that -- mere thoughts. None may apply. It might be all bad advice or otherwise impractical or inapplicable. No need to heed any of the above thoughts or ideas. They are mere ideas. Brainstorming. I'm hoping the best for you. Remember, you are worthy, you are important, and you are precious.
|
|
|
Post by ClaireBear on Apr 26, 2019 6:59:26 GMT
I'm so upset. He came after my friend. She's okay, he didn't touch her but he scared her pretty bad. We had the hearing yesterday and she came with me. I was granted a one year restraining order. It was the hardest thing I've ever done facing him. I was feeling so good. My friend and I went out for lunch after and I dropped her off at home. A few hours later she called me and told me that had just come to her house while she was out in the front yard. He blocked her from going in and he told her that he knew she was after me and it wasn't going to happen. He blamed her for me leaving. She told him he didn't have anyone to blame for that but himself and he got right up in her face and tried to stare her down. She screamed at him to get off her property and he did. She had called the police right before she called me and when they came and she told them what happened. They actually told her what he did wasn't a crime! They said, "He didn't put his hands on you, and when you asked him to leave--did he leave?" and when she said yes they said he didn't break the law. They told her she would have to get her own restraining order against him. Then they said they would go have a word with him but they wouldn't be able to arrest him unless he returned to her house again. That's all I know right now. So now, her fiance is worried about her and wants her to move in with him, but she says she's not going to be run out and still wants me to move in with her, and my parents tell me I should stay where I am because my dad owns a gun. At least if I moved in with her, she'd be protected at her own house because I'd live there too. She insisted that she was okay, but when she called me right after that all happened, I could tell she wasn't. Her voice was shaking, she was SCARED. I'm so angry and feel so guilty. I knew he had it in for her but I never thought he'd do anything like that.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 27, 2019 3:18:12 GMT
Hi CLair, I sorry this is all happening. Sadly, the police are right, unless your restraining order has any specifics for friends or family, she has to get her own. It is very frustrating. He didn't commit a crime and he did leave. Doesn't make what he did right, it just shows that he will do whatever he feels he has to to intimidate anyone he can in order to get to you. He probably knows your Dad has a gun, partly why he will possibly stay away. I am sure she is very scared..he accomplished what he wanted and that was to get to her and ultimately get to you.
Clair, please do not underestimate this guy. One thing I learned very quickly? Is that the guy that I thought I knew and loved was NOT who he really is. I would say "oh, he wouldn't do that". Well, oh yes he would and he did. I never thought my ex would hurt my children to hurt me, but he did. I never thought he was capable of becoming violent..well he is capable and started to show signs that he was. I never thought he would call me horrible names, threaten to take me to court and accuse me of things I never did. I never thought he was abusive and he is. How could I be so wrong about someone? Because the guy he "showed" me when I first met him, obviously was a fake.
I know you care about him..but at this point, please do not respond to anything he does or says. NO CONTACT. Do not trust that he is going to be a good guy and do the right thing. He isn't and he won't. And I know how much you want to trust that he will leave you and your friend and your family alone, please commit this in your head... HE WILL NOT. He will not stop trying to get to you until he either gets bored, he finds another woman to abuse, or until he is satisfied that your punishment is complete. Clair..the best thing you can do is to be on your guard and be careful. He could try and kill you.
Living with your friend would protect her as you have the restraining order and he would not be able to come within feet of you or the property you are on. That is a difficult decision to make at this point. Listen to your gut feeling.
Also..please be careful. Watch your back..he may follow you, he may get a friend to follow you and tailgate you to intimidate you. He may do damage to your car, he may take things that are in your home and break them..especially if they had sentimental value to you. He is going to play games and the best thing you can do is call the police if he violates the order every single time..call the police. Be careful when you walk to your car, when you go to a restaurant, if you shop. or whatever you are doing. Expect the unexpected. Clair, this is when they are most violent. This is when women get killed. And, please don't tell yourself that if you just go back he will stop. That if you just do what he wants, he will not hurt your family or friends. Don't bargain with him. Don't even talk to him. Keep every text and phone call or e-mail and keep it for evidence. He is going to push the limit on that order. And, there is also a very good chance that he won't care if he gets arrested again. He won't care if he breaks the order, just so he can get to you.
I know you feel so guilty and it is very understandable. Please know..you cannot control what he does, what he says, what he thinks. NONE of this is because you did something wrong. HE IS THE PROBLEM..HE IS COMPLETELY IN CONTROL of what he says and does. YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM. YOU CANNOT LOVE HIM ENOUGH into being something different.
Please..take care of yourself. I know this is so stressful right now. It is very upsetting and a lot of what is happening is very traumatic. Please..be careful and take care of you.
One thing to consider..purchase pepper spray or Mace. Walmart has them on a key ring for $10. It is good to have if you get trapped by him or one of his friends doing his dirty work for him,you may have to defend yourself in order to find a way to get away.
Clair, thinking of you and your friend. I know this time is so difficult. Please, listen to your gut. It won't lead you wrong. I know it may feel like everything is wrong, and this is all your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT..and you are making the best choices with all the information you have.
It will be ok, please just follow your instincts and stay as far away from him as you can. And, we are here..will continue to help. Karen
|
|