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Post by Kate on May 30, 2014 5:59:11 GMT
I went back to him on May 19th, and he had me convinced he was really trying to make a change. Only 10 days later, and he's let me down yet again. We were both at home last night, and he came in the guest room (we were sleeping separately) and tried to get me to have sex. I refused, and he finally told me that if I wouldn't give him what he wanted, to just get out, because he'd had enough of the "whole acting like roommates crap". I said, "Fine" and started packing my bag. But then when he saw me doing that, he grabbed my things and started throwing them, telling me I couldn't leave him. I tried to stop him--stupid, I know--and he shoved me so hard my feet left the floor. I hit the dresser and I think I caught the corner of it with my arm because my arm ended up scraped up and bruised. As soon as that happened, he started crying and apologizing again, begging me not to leave him. At that point I didn't know what to expect from him, going from angry to bawling so quickly. I was afraid to upset him, so I told him I'd stay. He passed out a couple of hours later and I left. I've got some clothes that I grabbed up quickly from the floor and my purse. I'm back at a hotel again.
I don't know what to do now. I'm scared to stay away because everyone is going to find out what happened if I do, and I don't want to lose my job. But I'm also scared to go back because I've never seen him act as crazy as he did last night. If I call a shelter, will they help me even if I don't want to stay there?
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janine
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Post by janine on May 30, 2014 14:12:25 GMT
Kate, YES, a shelter WILL help you with everything! hey even can arrange for someone to drive to the house with you or for you to pick up your things.
It sounds so familiar to me because I too was in a similar situation like you. I was giving my Ex one more chance, he attacked me verbally, I said: "That is it, I am leaving" and I packed. He threw my laptop down the stairs and all of my other stuff around. Then he attacked me. I managed to lie and calm him down- until he cried and said I cannot leave him.
I knew if I did not lie and pretend I would stay he would have harmed me even worse...intuition of a woman....
I ran away with only a few clothes on me and my important documents.
Please do not worry about people finding out. Right now YOUR safety is the most important thing. You might even find it to be relieving to talk to your boss/supervisor IF you trust them- or human resources. They KNOW about Domestic Violence for the most part as it has become something all companies confront within their ranks of employees. Many major companies in the USA for example, also sponsor DV shelters and organizations with donations.
Call a shelter and see what they have to OFFER. See it as a gift, an option, an open door. NONE of these people will force you to do or not do anything. It is really like a great free buffet. You can walk by, see how it feels. Even call again or call another shelter....and then only take what feels right.
We are here.
It was not your fault. You are NOT stupid. HE chooses to be an abusive and dangerous man and he traumatized you and carefully groomed you to be his victim. That is a HUGE realization that can weigh very heavy. And you do not have to walk the way of understanding what just happened and of dealing with your shattered world picture by yourself.
Maybe your insurance also covers counseling? If so, finding the right counselor can be a lifeline to work through all of this at one point when you feel ready to do that.
Stay safe and maybe even tell reception at your hotel that they inform all front desk workers NOBODY who calls or shows up can be told which room you are in- just in case he comes after you. Let us know how you feel and how the call to the shelter went.
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Post by Finally Free on Jun 3, 2014 17:10:13 GMT
Hi Kate, Breaking free may seem hard at first, but the freedom is amazing. There are people and places to help you if you let them. I felt ashamed at first, informing work etc but it has all helped me break free from my ex. Keep yourself safe, especially now and dont give yourself a hard time, HE is abusive because HE wants to be, you have done nothing wrong. You deserve happiness and love and you will find it once you have left for good. Take Care and keep in touch.
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Post by Kate on Jun 12, 2014 4:01:00 GMT
I'm in a shelter now. I went in on Monday after he showed up and actually assaulted me at work! I didn't know he was that nervy! It was only verbal at first, until I told him to stay the f*ck out of my life. I still can't believe I said it! His eyes got huge and almost wild, then he pushed me and pinned me against the wall and whispered in my ear that if I ever talked to him like that again, he'd break my arm. My co-worker walked in then and he let me go. He was arrested but he made bail within hours. I've got a restraining order filed so if he comes near me or my work they will pick him up and keep him. My work has been awesome. I wish I had told them earlier because maybe what happened on Monday wouldn't have. Now the security has his picture and they and the people in my department are looking out for him. My boss even gave me his parking space! We have the main employee lot in the back of the building where all of us non-management people park and a covered, fenced area that holds 10 or 12 cars, and requires a key code to get in. It's exclusively for management. Tuesday morning, when I came in, he handed me a card with the code on it. I told him I thought that lot was at capacity, and he told me it is, but he doesn't mind walking from the back. I've always liked him, but he has a hardass reputation; I was in shock!  Also I'm getting counseling and attending a support group. So far, so good, right? And yet I still miss him. Why? |
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 12, 2014 13:38:57 GMT
Hey Kate,
That is great news your work is supportive! I have to say that many companies now are aware of the danger of DV as sadly attacks like yours, and worse DO happen at the workplace environment.
And you know what the most NORMAL thing to do is? To miss him right now.
I did it, I can probably speak for most women they all did it. Why?
Well, for one I can promise you that counseling and the support group WILL help you heal and grasp faster what happened to you and why you are traumatized now and STILL miss him. It is in a way a big clusterfu... because THAT moment now is the most vulnerable time for a woman who got away- yet....the entire world assumes: Oh ok she is out, so all good. Case closed." When really right after leaving those first few months can be brutal.
You are prepared, you have set up a support plan. And your counselor and support group WILL understand why you would think and say you miss him.
When I think back about why I missed my extremely abusive Ex it is usually because
1. I had left a relationship. THAT in itself is simply sad and 'normal' people get to grieve over the loss of their partner after a breakup or divorce. But somehow everyone expects the abused woman to 'be just ok and happy'
2. On top of the normal grieving you are grieving the fact that you loved an ILLUSION. The man you met and thought he was, the man who claimed to 'love' you, harmed you and even came to your workplace and tried to rape you in your own home (by saying he is tired of this roommate agreement that IS forcing someone into sex even if he did not physically rape you it was emotional molestation by threatening you and then demanding you serve him in bed)
So now, not only do you grieve the loss of a partner, you grieve the loss of someone you never knew. It is the ultimate betrayal and i think only abuse from a parent/primary caretaker can be worse than this.
3. You are traumatized and there is a name for what you are feeling and call "missing him" simply because you do not have the words (yet) to understand what your brain and body are trying to do here. If you read the book "Invisible Heroes" I think the author Belleruth Naparstek has a few chapters in it on what chemical changes go on in your brain when you witness or experience abuse. It is almost like your body - the very primal part- wants to protect you by wanting him back, by going back!
There are different theories out why that is. One is that if you cannot flee, or fight because he had cornered you and you are not physically stronger than your attacker (in the wild back in the day maybe a man from another tribe if we go into anthropology) - then BONDING was the only way to survive.
Your body is on overload from adrenaline right now - like all victims of DV experience it. This trauma can cause a range of anxiety, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, it can cause you to feel foggy and "insane" at times, because it is such a rollercoaster of emotions.
Knowing that, watching these emotions pass by and seeing how the "i miss/love him still" feelings pass and make more and more space for the part of you that deep down KNOWS this is not love but trauma speaking, will get easier over time. There is a good TED talk on this topic if you google "Ted-talk domestic violence" where a woman explains "why dont they just leave"
If someone has been the source of positive and very negative feelings- we get in a way addicted to that and want a quick fix. But these men never give us real love or safety. And I have to say maybe it was 'luck' that he did act in a way youve never seen him act that one night you left- because I too needed that one final slap in the face to wake up and understand my partner WAS really !!! going to kill me or at least hurt me permanently had I gone back yet again.
And we dont judge so if you want to sometimes simply say in a safe place: But...I miss him.
Its ok to do that with us!!! I had to do it many years ago. Most of us did. Its the shame and guilt that kept you with an abuser in the first place and kept you hiding the abuse. Now is NOT the time for shame anymore and you have a right to every feeling you have and they are all human and normal!!!
Hope that helped....I remember those first weeks to be brutal. They DO pass.
Sometimes you have to take it in baby steps.
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Post by Kate on Jun 13, 2014 23:59:26 GMT
Hi Janine,
Thank you. I'm really hopeful about the counseling and all. Most of the time, I think I will never go back to him, I have work and try to stay busy in the evenings, but it's when I lay down at night and I'm alone; that time is so hard.
And he's staking out the grocery store I shop at. I drove by there after work. I wanted to stop and get a few things, and his car was parked there, so I turned around and left. I don't think he saw me. I know for sure he wasn't doing his grocery shopping. It's a health food store and he didn't like me shopping there. He always complained that it was too expensive. So now if I want to go there, I have to arrange for someone to come with me so he won't catch me alone. That's what the shelter is recommending. Either that, or switch stores. We're in a small town, so there aren't a lot of options. I know it's not the end of the world, but I just can't believe he can do that.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 14, 2014 0:26:43 GMT
Oh yeah, they get very 'creative' in their abuse to get you back. He has lost his slave and control and would do a lot to force you back into his mindgames. Isn't that so sick? How vicious and sneaky to stalk your supermarket and try and get you alone and exposed in public.
You are doing great and the evenings and weekends were the hardest for me too. And you do know that we do NOT judge you if you were to go back.
Most importantly- do not judge YOURSELF for your thoughts or actions. Nobody can push a victim of abuse to leave. After all - as much as I want to scream: "Please do NOT ever go back to him, he WILL always abuse you and it will get worse and more dangerous over time!!!!"
I too have been YOU. I had people tell me that and yet did not leave right away and also went back a few times.
Hindsight is always a great thing and of course NOW it is easy for me to say: I wish I had stayed away the first time.
Nobody pushes you- YOU are in charge and empowered now. Even IF you were to ever go back you are NOT the same woman he controlled before and I doubt you would need much time to see through his lies, mindgames and manipulations.
Just know for all of us evenings and weekends and the quiet down times have been the worst.
It does pass.....
Deep breaths, lots of water and tons of sleep. Support from all areas and some planning for the months to come so that you know your weak spots and protect yourself from that.
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