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Post by Heidi on Oct 31, 2018 10:19:21 GMT
My ex cheated on me with a 30 year old woman while he being 23. He was verbally abusive and always accused me of cheating on him for n reason at a. If a guy asked me out he would blame me for it. And he prohibited me from using social media because he thought I was fooling around with other men there. He is now in another city and ended up with this woman . He came back saying that he doesn’t like her and he was impulsive however he went back to her again. This happened once more; he came back and told me that he wanted revenge on her and that he loved me. However he spotted me on Instagram again as I had reactivated my account after we broke up and called me filthy names and now he is back with this woman and is happy. He never introduced me to his friends and family as his gf neither did he post pictures with me . But he does with this woman. He lets her do everything that I wasn’t allowed and now they are happy. He has left me in a very bad space as the abuse and dejection was too much . I did everything possible to keep this relationship intact and gave up on everything and everyone for him. It’s like I’ve hit rock bottom . It’s even harder to see them so happy as I can see and feel that he has changed for this woman while he never even bothered or cared about how he treated me. I was just a standby for him as his actions contradicted his words. He would say he loved me while he’s gone back to that woman again after abusing me for trying to make my life normal by getting back in social media. I was genuine and as I write this I don’t know how to express how I feel because I feel terrible and I cannot even write how horrible this has been for me.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Nov 1, 2018 2:57:52 GMT
Hi Heidi, welcome here and thank you for sharing your story. It hurts something terrible, there are days when the pain is so intense, that words just can't capture how much it hurts. It is horrible, ABUSERs are horrible in what they do to people they claim to love. They don't care about the destruction they cause because to someone who is abusive, no one really matters except them. AND he has made this very clear by the way he treated you.
A few things that may help. From what you have written, I truly believe this guy is abusive, he has been to you, I would bet $1,000 dollars that he abused others before you, and the way he is treating this current girlfriend will also result in abuse. It isn't "if" but "when". They never stop, because they never stop and think that they are the problem. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he does and says.
ALL of the stuff he has said about her, the posts he puts on social media, it is all to create a "facade" or "ideal" that his life is so much better because he is not with you. Sometimes, the posts are put there to hurt you on purpose, to "punish" you for leaving him, and not being 1000% devoted to him and only him. You gave up most of your life for him and I promise you, no matter how hard you tried to make this relationship work, you could not be successful. ABUSERS are NARCISSISTS and they are NEVER satisfied.
The very fact that you observed him "to let her do everything I wasn't allowed to do"..this means he is controlling and manipulating you and now is controlling and manipulating her. HE IS CONTROLLING AND MANIPULATING..he is abusing her. He is doing the same thing to her that he did to you. He is creating an image that 1. makes her feel like she is loved and important because he posts it for all to see 2. He is setting her up to be accused of cheating like he did to you and it will confuse the hell out of her when on one hand he says it is ok,even encourages her to post, then he will use it against her and accuse her of cheating or flirting or doing something wrong. 3. The posts make him look like a "great boyfriend"..it creates an image that is not real. Everyone thinks he is wonderful and happy...he is not. He will never be happy. I promise you, she is not happy either. It will be short lived, and eventually she will be hurt like you are.
You sound like a loving, genuinely kind person. People like that, me included, are easy targets for abusers. I have been in 3 abusive relationships over 30 years. Each one made me feel like I was "the one" to start, then over time and after I had devoted my life and heart to them, basically abused me for years.
What he has done is incredibly evil and hurtful beyond words. One thing that helped me is to talk to a counselor at a local Domestic Violence Center, or Women's Aide Society. There is also a DV National Hotline you can call and talk to a counselor while remaining anonymous. Talking out what happened can help you begin to sort it all out and heal. Counselling can also help you to learn about why you were attracted to this guy in the first place. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you, you deserve to be loved and cherished and treated with respect.
I had to heal, I basically had to rebuild my life after being married to a jerk for 20+ years, in a 3 year relationship before him who also emotionally hurt me, and then a rebound boyfriend after I left my husband who was the worst abuser I have met. He almost destroyed me.
There is life after being in an abusive relationship. If you want to heal, and move forward away from this guy, counselling may help. One thing that helps tremendously is having NO CONTACT with this guy. Meaning, block his number and do not respond to text messages, block him from e-mailing you, don't answer his calls, and block him from your social media. Separating yourself from him, allows you to begin to heal, it also stops him from abusing you. He may keep trying to get you back. I know you care about him, but please believe me, I wouldn't trust a word of what he says.
Please let us know how you are doing, we are here to support you and listen anytime you need it. No judging, no one will tell you what to do. If you want to learn more about abuse, I would recommend "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft..excellent read on all things dealing with abuse. "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea..he is on this forum and he wrote an excellent book about "Jerks" and what they look like. Also , Onelove.com is a great website for learning more about abuse and unhealthy relationships.
Thinking of you Heidi
Karen
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