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Post by sharon on Jul 17, 2014 2:35:31 GMT
Hi I just read ur post & what spoke to me most was ur 'state of confusion". I sure can relate. Dear girl u are not alone. I have been in a state of confusion for so long now I don't know what normal is any more. But I am working on it every day. Every hour. Like you I love the man who has destroyed my being. But don't give up. Stay strong and only keep those in your life that really really only want the best for you. Those that love , respect and appreciate you. They will keep you safe and build you up. And most of all they will give you the love you deserve. We all make poor choices but learn from those mistakes. And grow. And keep posting. I wish you all the best.
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Post by alisay on Jul 17, 2014 9:54:55 GMT
Hi Molly,
I agree with Janine. If he was really depressed, how could he arrange dates with two women at the same time? When I was depressed, I had difficulties to arrange a trip to the toilet!
You should not keep in contact with him since he seem to be very good a playing you, but, if you do and he mentions "Sarah" again (or Melanie, Jessica...) maybe you can try this: Tell him, in a very enthusiastic way, how very, very happy you are that he is moving on and finding happiness with someone else. Then tell him that you have to leave (or hang up) because you have to do something (wash your hair, cook a cake...). I bet my shoes that he contacts you again very soon and he either tells you that he had broken up with "Sarah" either because she was a very bad person (and will tell you just how badly she treated him) or he has realised that you are the only woman for him or a combination of both. You should then insist that he should go back with "Sarah", give the relationship a chance... I have the feeling that there will be no more Sarahs.
my2cents
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Post by molly24 on Jul 26, 2014 22:22:47 GMT
Hi everyone again. I'm back and thanks for all the messages you sent. I am feeling very low. I havent spoken to fred in over a month and he hasnt tried to contact me. technically i should be happy for the most part he has seemed to leave me alone and get the message. I was seeing this man that was kind of a bad boy type and when he heard what fred had done to me, he wanted to beat him up but I told him I didn't want him to that I am happy to be free and he respected that.
The last time I was talking to fred I told him i was seeing a few people and that they knew what he had done to me, fred seemed nervous and afraid that they would come after him, I think thats why he hasnt been in contact cause he knows I have people who will hurt him if he ever comes near me again, well that and the fact that id moved on by seeing new men and I told him I was loving the single life.
I have been staying with a friend who lives away from where I live and where fred lives. However I am home tonight and I am finding it very hard, its like if I'm out and about with people I'm ok but I cant bear to be alone. I just tried to ring him off a private number and he didnt answer. I just wanted to hear his voice. Why am I struggling so much. I just want to talk to him to see if hes ok. I miss him so much. I dont want him back I just want to see how hes doing. This is just so hard.
Another thing is this bad boy Ive been seeing has a lot of problems and has a child and a girlfriend that he doesnt live with. He doesnt want to be with the mother but if he breaks up with her she wont let him see his daughter. Im attracted to him so much because he makes me feel attractive and we have really good chemistry. Its like there is a bit of danger because I know I shouldnt be seeing him. Its like iv clung on to him to distract myself from fran but I can feel myself falling for him even though I know I shouldnt. Its a no strings attached arrangement and meant to be fun but I find myself thinking about him if I havent seen him. Its like Im attracted to people I cant have and who have major personal problems going on in their lives, its like the more messed up they are the more I want them. In the beginning I was just happy to have been with someone who wasnt abusive and who was so angry at what fred had done to me and wanted to hurt him for hurting me. He made me feel safe, he made me feel attractive in a way that fran never did. My head is all over the place. I am justifying seeing this person because anything is better than fred, at least this man makes me feel good and doesnt abuse me, what you see is what you get and that is comforting in itself but at the same time i am so attracted to him, and being with him is giving me the same feeling of the highs I had with fred.
I know I should have learnt and I know it is wrong to be seeing a man who has a girlfriend and child. I just cant bear to be alone, its like Im addicted to the feeling this man gives me, he is protective and makes me feel safe and yet at the same time he is completely messed up in the head and I can really relate to that and am attracted to that. Why am I drawn to people that are so messed up? why do I feel the need to fix them? I mean I know its probably because of my mother being an alcoholic and not being able to fix her has made me into the person who wants to fix everybody. I know that but it doesnt help me from still being attracted to these types of people. My head is so messed up. I just want to be ok by myself but I dont seem to be able to do it.
Anyways thanks for listening and sorry for ranting and I know I should be proud of myself for staying away from fred but I feel like Im going around in circles.
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janine
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Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Jul 26, 2014 23:08:44 GMT
Hey you and thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share all of this with us! I have to say a psychologist could not have done a better assessment of your unmet needs you just described above- you know yourself VERY well!!! What you describe reminds me a LOT of what I went through after I left my abusive ex. I also have an alcoholic parent and a very dysfunctional core family. For the longest time - years ago- I KNEW something was 'not right' in my attraction to men....but I did not help myself right and went back to them for the 'quick fix'. Can you by any means make time to see a counselor? (google the signs of a good counselor first though as - like in any profession there are good and bad ones out there-) Shelters offer free counseling if money is an issue. Call a few and see what is out there- ESPECIALLY if you tell them that you have been tempted to call/go back to your abuser and are seeing potentially abusive men right now- they will make space for you. You just have to commit a little bit of time to your own healing- it will not happen over night by itself I fear. The new man sounds like guys I used to be attracted to a lot in the past- and my therapist made me aware of it and helped me change that attraction scheme a lot. This guy might not abuse you YET- however his way of threatening violence towards Fred might be charming, 'manly', attractive and protective right now..but wait until he has you on the hook completely and then conflicts arise- who knows what he could do then. Be very careful and please read "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea- if you havent done it yet. It is available as an e-book right onto your computer and I believe as cheap as two beers at a decent pub so very affordable and very helpful to keep yourself safe. Leaving an abuser and a love addiction IS just that... google terms like "love addiction" and "detach with love" because it is OK to still feel like you love Fred, but to know detaching and moving on is showing your love for him and you in this case. Hope that helped!
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