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Post by molly24 on May 28, 2014 22:21:53 GMT
Hi it's good to find this forum is back. I used to post here before and have been with my abusive partner for 7 years. I used to post here when I was struggling through my final year in college and it really helped me. Since graduating college I have being doing different pieces of work but recently have been getting work in a place I really love. Fred my partner is not supportive and has become increasingly jealous/paranoid/suspicious of me to the point that I can't even go out for one drink after work with my colleagues. I am feeling really down and lonely the last couple of weeks after Fred who is an alcoholic physically assaulted me held me down and choked me to the point that a vein in my neck is still very sore. I guess I havent felt that fear in a while and the shock after the assault is still there. I really just want to be free from him. He has threatened my life, threatened to humiliate me in my job which is really hard because I work with victims of domestic violence on a daily basis. The fear of people finding out is really holding me back. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want people to find out, cause even though I know it's not my fault I'm supposed to be a professional I shouldnt be letting this happen to me.
The good thing about my job is it gets me time away from Fred. I even have developed a major crush on a man I work with to the point that I go to bed dreaming hel rescue me from Fred because hes so kind (how pathetic I know) but this guy is very friendly and flirty and I can't help but feel I'm letting my life with someone who would make me happy pass me bye because of Fred. This guy probably doesn't even like me in that way and I think Im just wishing for a miracle, but I just want someone to look after me and treat me with kindness and respect. I don't want to live my life in fear.
Anyway iv texted Fred tonight saying it's over but he's drunk and not responding. Every time I try to break up with him he won't accept it. I just wish I could stop thinking about this other man. I think I'm just really down cause I think I don't love Fred anymore and I'm just scared to leave him. I think having a crush on the guy in work has made me realise I don't love Fred and he doesn't have any of the qualities I would look for in a man. I think it's all in my head about the guy in work, it's just sometimes we look and smile at each other and my heart just melts. He is the one who always asks me to come for drinks after work but he knows I have a boyfriend so I'm so confused. If you get a gut feeling about someone should you go with it? Then again I had a gut feeling with Fred.
Basically sorry for rambling my heads all over the place, it's good to be able to get this out and just share how I'm feeling. I just hope Fred will leave me to break up with him. I know I should concentrate on me but I can't stop thinking about this guy in work he is the kindest most amazing man iv ever met, I wish I didn't have such strong feelings for him but then again I think it's my mind wanting to be rescued and he is the one iv used to be the one to do it. Sorry if I'm not making sense I'm just so tired. It's good to be back and see you are still around Steve you really helped me before so thank you
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janine
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Post by janine on May 29, 2014 0:13:52 GMT
Hey Molly 24,
welcome back!
I do think I remember your posts and am glad you found us on the new forum server. We were all very happy when it was back up and running.
You show a tremendous insight into your own feelings and choices I have to say. I am impressed you are not only able to see that Fred is and will always be very abusive, and that you might look for an escape and understand your mind is searching for a "hero/prince" to "save" you from this traumatic relationship. When Fred choked you so violently that must have been a very scary experience- I am so glad you are still with us and he did not take your life, or cause you long-term health issues.
Having said that, I am concerned about your safety because it does sound like Fred is escalating his physical violence- and that is never a good sign. If anything it means he feels his control over you is slipping away- by you having a fulfilling job- or he is more into the drinks on top of that too and simply does not care if he risks to kill you.
Are there people in your immediate circle you can trust? People who have empathy, but will not go down the road of feeling "sorry" in a heavy way - or who cannot handle this information? If not, can you contact a domestic violence hotline or shelter in your area? You do not have to give them your name and can just have someone listen to you.
As for the other man- having a nice, good crush is a fabulous feeling. You might want to check in with yourself if right NOW is a healthy and good time to begin looking into other men. Of course it can be that he is a wonderful man with whom you could be very happy! But you are right NOW a victim of very, very serious physical and emotional abuse. The trauma Fred caused you could have lead to PTSD and traumatic bonding, but at the very minimum it might have made you believe that you NEED someone ( a prince/hero) to save you
-- when really....deep down all you need...is YOU! You save yourself. But you also do not have to do that alone, because I do think a good counselor or shelter are very necessary support systems on our way out of an abusive relationship. You do not have to walk through this difficult phase by yourself, there is help. Reach out if that feels comfortable. Gently explore the love you have for your own life.
We are here to listen and we understand. I am sure Steve has some more good advice once he checks in next time and I am looking forward to hearing how you grab back that steering wheel of your own life slowly but surely from here on out.
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Post by molly24 on May 31, 2014 10:51:02 GMT
Thanks for the response janine. I ended up telling my friend and her boyfriend and they were supportive, but my friends grandmother just passed away and I don't want to be burdening her with my problems as she is naturally devastated.
Yesterday in work I rang Fred at lunch time and he knew I was off with him, he kept asking me were we broken up and he sounded so upset I told him I didn't want to tell him over the phone but he got it out with me I wanted to break up. He asked to see me in person and I said we could go for a walk to talk (in a public place) and so we did.
This is were I caved he kept holding my hand and then when we sat down on a bench he started crying and begging me to give him one last chance. I felt so bad even though I knew I shouldnt. I tried to think of all the things he did to hurt me, but I had never seen him so upset. It was like he was going to have some sort of a nervous breakdown or that he was having one.
I told him I thought there was no point giving him a chance because I knew he would let me down but he was crying and begging me so somehow I agreed to one more chance. He even assured me that if he did one thing wrong I wouldn’t have to do all this again I could just txt him saying it's over. His brother is critically sick in hospital and he is all over the place. Fred suffers with depression anxiety and panic disorder and even though he didn't threaten to do something to himself this time I worry that he would.
Where I am at the minute is that I'm just waiting for Fred to make a mistake so I can break up with him. I know he won't change and Im glad cause I want to be free of him. I just know this is going to be hard and a scarey process. I mean I definitely think I have it in me that I need someone else and I'm annoyed with myself for chickening out of just ending it because I know he won't change and I don't even want him to. I just want a man who will love me and respect me and be kind to me. On another note Im trying to convince myself my crush in work isn't interested, he was asking what I was doing for the weekend and I told him I was going to a party with my friend (she's since cancelled) he asked me would there be romance and I said don't get me started on romance and he said oh I'm the same. So I don't know if he's making conversation or if hes trying to find out if I'm single. Anyway for the time being I'm just enjoying having a crush as it's making me feel good about myself.
I'm worried about this stage with Fred and I'm doing everything I can to be safe as I'm aware now he knows I'm serious about leaving he might snap at me and do something terrible. Anyway I'm glad I don't want to be with Fred and I know the end is coming
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janine
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Post by janine on May 31, 2014 14:15:26 GMT
Hey Molly,
I totally understand. You know my abusive Ex did the same- three times he cried crocodile tears, wrote me long letters, told me he would kill himself if I left....well you know the whole program. It IS difficult to get away from them when they CHOOSE to act this way. I capitalized "CHOOSE" because as much as they seem to really suffer, hurt and be "out of it" and helpless,...they are not. They choose to hurt you when they think it serves them, as much as they choose consciously to be nice and crying and whiny, to speak to your heart and push your empathy buttons.
They have perfected that art as it has worked for years for them. It is a bit like a kid that throws a temper tantrum, only,- they are no longer little kids that can easily be kept from hurting you and you know it is a developmental phase all children go through and that passes.
One thing that REALLY hit my gut was actually also about that coworker. Now I could be wrong, of course, as I know little about him, the context etc. BUT- the fact he asked "Will there be romance" on the weekend and then he quickly said: "Oh yeah I am the same." concerns me.
In itself- that comment does of course not look harmful. He asked about your weekend and- cracked a "joke". BUT...given you have a history of dating an abuser, I would like you to just check in with yourself. See how that really feels-outside of the romantic crush you have on the coworker. I say that because abusive men "sniff" out victims. They often feel and know easily where a woman is vulnerable and then come in quick to catch their prey. Often times abused women come out of a terrible relationship and see some sort of "hero" or prince wait, much like you mentioned in an earlier message, only to find out a few months later they - yet again- are being abused.
It s NOT their fault. They just did not see how they were in a spot to be an easy target for abuse. Like me for example, I ended up dating a controlling man for a few weeks almost right after I had left my seriously abusive Ex. When it hit me one night and I saw how this new guy was ALSO starting to emotionally manipulate me and control me. That was when I decided I HAD to take a break from dating, get myself into a good therapy with a counselor who helped me work on my low self esteem- and learn what healthy relationships look like. I have since then NOT dated abusive men, and if I was on a date or three with a potential one, I was always able to sniff THEM out before they could come closer into my life.
There are a few good books I can recommend to you if you feel like that might be of interest to you. In fact I believe ALL women should read those in high school.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. A book for women in abusive relationships that might help you understand how Fred is playing with you and that he is not a helpless, little puppy, but a huge, conscious bully who wants to harm you.
"Jerk Radar" - by Stephen McCrea, who is actually also a member of our board here. It is more for the time before you get too involved with someone and want to see on the first few weeks of dating if someone shows red flags of an abusive character.
"Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. Now this book hit home for me as it explains why we HAVE to trust our fear, be careful (but not paranoid) as women (and men) in our world.
And finally two that I personally found very helpful "Who is pulling your strings" by Harriet Braiker, Ph.D. "Where to draw the line" Anne Katherine
Now back to the comment of the coworker- asking someone at work what their plans on the weekend are is in itself harmless and common small talk. However, as soon as he asked "Will there be romance?" He already tested the water, without you maybe noticing it. Again, it could well be just a harmless question. I have to say though I do not find that necessarily a normal question to ask. In the past 7 years of me working in a rather relaxed environment, I have never heard of anyone asking me or someone else such a question. There are other, more direct/mature ways to find out if someone has a boyfriend or is single and available.
Then you gave him all he needed to know for now- which was "Oh dont get me started on romance." He now knows you are unsatisfied in you love- domain of your life. He also know from that comment by you that you hope for something "better", whatever your situation may be right now in his eyes. Then he did something VERY smart and subtle- again, this could be harmless, but abusers often come across as harmless and cute, charming etc. when he told you that you and him have "common ground" by adding: "I am the same."
What that does is- now you might project your own wish/hopes etc. onto him. He claims to "be the same" like you. Now he is in a good spot. He knows your vulnerable place is your love/relationship life. He can come over in future conversations and complain with you about HIS negative or non-existent love life. Again, if he is harmless and a good person, none of that in itself might be a warning sign. But listen carefully to what he says, put it in context, he is a stranger even if he is a coworker.
I highly recommend you to read up on early red flags and warning signs- just to be on the safe side should you some day end up dating him, or someone else new in your life as well.
And to finish off- I would just like to say that I do not believe Fred will "just be ok with a simple text message next time he makes a mistake." Please take extra precautions for your own safety. Most men escalate their abuse when they feel you are really ready to leave. If his tears and crying wont help, he might swing back (often this can happen within minutes or even seconds!!!) to insulting you, hurting you and threatening you.
The goal is to confuse you. To make you NOT listen to yourself and your own rights, boundaries and wishes and well-being. Fred is very good at that.
You are better though. You know yourself. Abusers never get to the core of a woman and destroy that. We all know something is wrong at some point. And so many women do get rid of abuse in their life for good.
If you do choose to leave, maybe it is a good time to involve a shelter or at least a DV hotline. They can inform you about safety plans. I can only speak for me and from many examples of women I talked to over the past 5 years- but none of us really anticipated the seriousness of abuse that happened to us when we finally left them. I am convinced had my Ex gotten his hands on me once I left him- he would have killed me or at least harmed me very badly. So did many others here.
No contact is the only way to heal and move on- otherwise their sweet-talk gets to you and they know that.
Stay safe, let us know how you are doing if you feel like it and I believe in you. You know how to take care of yourself and now you have one advantage over Fred. You KNOW he is abusive. You know you are in danger and need to be careful. And you also have friends on your side who are informed witnesses. Listen to your gut, trust yourself. You deserve SO much more than this extra weight on your legs that is holding you back in life.
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Post by molly24 on May 31, 2014 15:33:31 GMT
Thank you so much for the detailed response janine it is really appreciated it and I read it a few times to really think about what you said.
I realised from reading your post and reflecting that the reason why I haven't completely finished it with Fred is because I am actually terrified of what he will do but I think iv been too afraid to admit that to myself. I think I might text him saying it's over. You can't change my mind just leave me alone I will not contact you again and if you continue to contact me I will contact the police maybe that will scare him away. I know there will be no closure so no contact seems the best way. I don't really want to txt him today cause he is drinking today and he is more likely to do something terrible if he's intoxicated.
What you said about the coworker is fascinating to me as I never thought this man could be potentially abusive. I always thought if somebody relates to you it means that they like you. I got the impression he was testing the waters but that's because I thought he might be shy around women and afraid of rejection. It's made me think about other conversations we've had that might give me clues to his intentions. I mentioned after my own granny died that it was a release for her because she had alzeimers and he said Yeh I know about that I had to go through that with my own grandmother. Is that a sign he is potentially abusive? Also now somebody in work mentioned that Chris Martin had cheated on gwynth paltrow and I said that's terrible she's beautiful and he joked well a man has his needs and he smiled at me. This is like a mine field. I never thought I would meet anyone else that could possibly turn out to be like Fred. I mean the coworker is a flirt and a joker so I just thought that's what he meant about the a man has his needs comments.
I'm so confused. I guess I need to get reading the books you suggested. I'm going to put my guard back up where this Co worker is concerned I'm not risking getting hurt again it's not worth it. Actually would him mentioning that I seem the maternal type that would settle down and have kids young seem potentially suspicious ugh men are so confusing I guess I need to look at myself aswell but I really thought this coworker seemed like my ideal man, charming, funny very attractive ok he's older than me but not more than 8 years, then again it makes me wonder why he hasn't settled down before.
Anyway janine thanks so much again for taking so much time to read and respond to me it makes me feel like I am not so alone
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 1, 2014 14:16:09 GMT
Hey Molly, thank you for your kind message! You really do a GREAT job at taking back control over your life and taking in men a bit more with caution. That is a gift on the long run and can save you a lot of possible pain and disappointment.
You are of course right- it could be that the coworker is not abusive. But I agree with you that the other comments you remembered and shared with us, might have potential to go both ways. And of course it would be OK to go on a date with him, once you feel you have been single for long enough to work through the abuse with Fred. Ten you can apply the red-flag early warning signs from the books and check in slowly and carefully if the man has healthy attitudes towards women and you. The comment he made about "a man has needs" IS actually a red flag. In the beginning especially it is more tricky to catch the early "true character slips" of someones behavior. Of course everyone tries to be on their best when they first meet (or try to hook the fish if they are abusive). But as much as this might be seen as a silly joke, ...if we forget he pretended to be "joking" and listen to what he REALLY said and implied- which would be: "A man needs sex and if he does not get it from his girlfriend/wife, it is OK for him to sleep with someone else."
The comment about you "being maternal type who wants kids" is also not your typical normal workplace joke. It is really getting into your personal business and nobody at work has a right to do that. Nobody but YOU knows who you are, who you want to be in the future and if kids are something you'd like some day. Again, of course his true nature would come out over the course of actually spending more time with him while carefully analyzing what he says and does.
Right now i would suggest you focus on your own safety. I can TOTALLY understand you fear for your safety. I doubt Fred will just let go once you sent the text. Be prepared for the wide range of theater roles an abuser prefers to apply - he might NOT reply and then indirectly let you know (through a friend or so) that he intends or has tried to kill himself. He might beg. He might threaten you and attack you. Could you for example sleep at a friend's house for a few days for now just to change your routine? Change your phone number and email if he does not leave you alone. It is very rarely that these abusers give up because on the end they have nothing left to lose and just shoot out all of the tactics they can think of.
Listen to your gut. It will guide you through this. Involve the police if necessary and a shelter/DV hotline can also help you mentally prepare for the breakup. A call to them might be a great support at this point in time for you.
We are here and you are not alone.
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Post by Finally FREE on Jun 3, 2014 17:00:57 GMT
Hi Molly, I have just finished reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft after Janine receommended it. It was a fascinating read and its really helped me to understand how dangerous a time it is when leaving an abusive relationship. It really points out the early warning signs of abuse, something which I haven't been able to see 3 times now! I wish I couldve read this as a teenager. I know how difficult it is to leave an abuser, I have been separated for over 2 years now from my third abusive man and with the help of a restraining order it has gotten better, but its still going on. The constant threats of suicide etc are so draining, but its a tactic these abusive men use to get their own way, they dont love or feel like we do. Try if you can to read this book, I bought mine from ebay last week, also I have completed a Freedom Program with Safer Families which has also helped me realise that the problem is 'them' not me and no matter how hard I try to keep things going, youre fighting a losing battle with abusers. I have finally met a wonderful man and although I gave him a very hard time at the beginning with fear he may turn into a monster, I am so very happy now, something I never thought I would find, or feel. You deserve happiness....we understand.
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Post by molly24 on Jun 3, 2014 23:45:38 GMT
Thank you janine and finallyfree for your kind words.
I have been getting a lot of help from my good friend and her family as I don't have it in me yet to tell my only family about the abuse.
After I broke up with Fred he kept texting and begging me to get back with him. He told me he was going to the doctor for his panic disorder, alcoholism and depression as well as seeking help for his anger issues by going to anger management. I don't know who he was trying to fool but I know it wasn't me because I guess iv finally realised he will never change and Im ok with that and suppose I accept it.
Anyway after agreeing to see how he got on with the doctor and possibly considering a reconciliation he seemed so happy but I wasn't. I tried to tell him he needed to change for himself and not so we could get back together and he agreed.
Later that evening I went to my good friends house and thank god she talked sense into me. She made me realise how dangerous it would be to stay with him and how I would end up dead or seriously hurt. She helped me to block all calls from his number and everyone in his family and the few friends he has.
This happened yesterday and all I can say is the difference it makes not having to listen to his crying/begging/threatening behaviour is immense already and it's only been one day.
This is were I get extremely anxious though cause I'm starting to panic a little bit because now he knows he's finally lost control I really worry what hel do next especially considering he can't contact me. I was walking home from a class I attended this evening and I found myself terrified he was going to jump out at me.
In work I keep thinking he will show up or ring and try to humiliate me. It's horrible every time the phone rang in work today I thought it was him. It got to the point that my heart was fluttering and I felt really sick and anxious like I was having some sort of a panic attack.
The enormity of the situation has hit me because I am finally away from it. But with that like I said comes fear. What will he do next? Iv warned my family not to answer to calls off any strange numbers and I told them he has threatened suicide so they have an idea he is unstable since iv initiated the break up.
I also have a broken phone belonging to him with his sim card which he needs. My plan was for after work tomorrow to get my dad to drop me to his house and just leave the phone and sim card in the porch so I don't have to see him. I was thinking of leaving a note saying it's really over. I don't want to ever hear from you again and that I have been to the police so they know about the situation and if you do anything they will know it's you. I really hope that will scare him off.
My next worry though is when he's drinking what he will do, because I'd say he will go mad and show up at my house. I suppose the simple solution would be to contact the police if that happens.
In the meantime I'm going to change up my routine of how I get to work and I'm going to be careful about being by myself. I will say even though I'm worried and anxious about what he might do next I still feel so much better I don't have to listen to him, so no contact really does help enormously.
For the first time ever I feel like I am going to actually get away and it feels good. Don't get me wrong I'm an anxious wreck at the minute but if he does anything wrong it's not my fault it's his and I really know that now.
It's funny something my friend said to me that really stuck in my head. She asked me why I find it so hard to stay away from him and I said cause I get lonely and feel afraid il end up alone and she said sarcastically so youre feeling lonely so you decide to go out to the person who nearly choked you to death and it really struck a chord with me.
My biggest fear I suppose is that he really hurts me or someone I know, after that it's that he might show up at my job, but he thinks I'm only working there until the end of this week so I suppose I.should hang on to that thought.
Emotionally I am all over the place. I'm close to tears nearly all the time but it's not because I miss him but because it's all over and like I said before I kind of only now realise how serious the whole situation is.
If anyone has any advice on how I can stay safe or anything I might be able to do I would really appreciate it. I'm so anxious for this whole situation to be behind me but I'm prepared for more chaos ahead.
As far as the coworker goes iv really tried to stop thinking about him and telling myself I need to focus on myself because I don't need to be involved with anyone else at the minute. He is still a pleasant distraction from all the pain and there's no harm in me playing a prince charming to the rescue scenario in my head.
Anyway thanks for all the help and I'm praying I stay strong and safe :-) god bless everyone
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jun 4, 2014 15:39:31 GMT
It is a tough time right after leaving and feel free to stop by anytime you need ears to listen. Like FinallyFree also mentioned the book "Why does he do that" can be a great resource at this point to work through the experiences. I can also HIGHLY recommend reaching out to a counselor or at least a domestic violence hotline or shelter. They can help you with the anxiety and panic attacks. Both might be signs of post-traumatic stress, as you have been through something very traumatic. On top of that it can help a LOT to not feel alone and like you have to be the "old-forever-alone-cat-lady" - which many women I think something fear. Although, as much as I understand, how WONDERFUL are cats??!! Just a joke on the side. I do think pets can help a lot to not feel alone and some women got a big dog once they left an abusive relationship for protection but also as a loving companion to bridge the time until a real man comes along. I am also glad you keep it very safe. Changing your routine, Being on the lookout are all good things. Is there any chance you can talk to your supervisor and get maybe two or one day off this week and get away? To a friend's house or something? Just to have company, sleep with a safe mind and get some distance? If he ends up calling you from a number you did not block, it might also be a good time to get a new phone number yourself. Let your dad or someone else who is on YOUR side dump Fred's SIM card in his mailbox like you planned and get that out of the way of things to do as soon as you can. The sooner we have NO reason to persuade ourselves to deny the seriousness and maybe still even thinking of keeping a door open- we put ourselves in GREAT danger. I often ended up resenting the very people who tired to talk me out of my abusive Ex and told me to leave him. I was traumatized and in huge denial. Until I went back one time too much and he really attacked me - the first and last time since then I have ever feared for my life. It was the most traumatic feeling I have ever had and he would have chocked me to death had I not escaped. And of course having the fantasy of a prince charming is nice enjoy the thoughts and if they help you get away from this transitional - difficult period, why not! One thing about the suicide - my Ex (and pretty much all abusers) threaten suicide at one point. It is a scary thought because we again!!!!! feel ....as if WE caused it and if we did not cause it, we are the ONLY one who can keep him from killing himself. Which of course is BS. Any health professional and doctor can tell you NOBODY can keep a seriously ill mental patient who wants to end their lives from doing it. IF someone can, then it is ONLY a very professional therapist who works with that patient for a long time very closely. You are not qualified to help someone suicidal and if he were to take his healing serious, he would have involved help. He would have called a therapist and not just blurted the words out there. It can be an addicting, maybe even flattering feeling to think "I am the only one with enough love and care for this man to save him" which of course is a huge delusional idea he creates to hook you on. My "hope" is that Fred is one of those abusers who only fight if it is 'easy' to get you back on board and who will just keep doing his thing and get the next victim in as soon as he can. My Ex had his dad call me because he kept calling his dad crying, threatening to kill himself etc. etc....all lies. He NEVER tried to kill himself. He also somehow talked me into "talk to me ONE last time...I PROMISE....I SWEAR...." hhahaha blablaaaa you probably know by now exactly how that old tape feels like. One big damn lie that seems almost so bad you wonder how you EVER believed one word he said. Then he would change from angry to sad to aggressive all within a minute or less when I denied that last talk. hang in there, lots of energy your way, There is a LOT of good life and light waiting on the other side of this tunnel. Please read the "Why does he do that" book, I too wish I had read it as a teenager, like FinallyFree said as well. It is a lifeline for all women, but especially for those with experience in DV relationships. Let us know how you are doing as often as you would like- and we understand. Whatever you choose to do. Be kind to yourself, you are human. The no contact path is the only one - it can be SO hard at times. I used to post here right away when I felt lonely on Friday nights or Sundays just to not write him. And one thing I CAN promise you: This too shall pass!!!! You will be ok - tell yourself that over and over again!
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Post by Finally Free on Jun 5, 2014 20:03:31 GMT
Hi Molly 24, I still feel the fear and anxiety of 'him' jumping out anf following me, he has stalked me since I left him 2 years ago. However it does get better. I would say the first thing to do is change all routes to places you need to go, change times, have company. I also purchased a personal attack alarm and a spare mobile phone, its very scary I know and it somehow seems easier to go back, but you have made a HUGE step forward....you will each day feel more independant and free, keep going. I also had to inform my workplace due to the constant threats by him to turn up, speak to my boss etc etc, they have been great!! I also contacted safer families through my local council who have been my rock during the separation. Im finally getting there and you will to, dont give up or give in, you can do it, youre stronger than you think x
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Post by molly24 on Jun 9, 2014 20:10:23 GMT
Thanks for all the advice I feel so lonely today. I miss him so much. I can't stop thinking about all the good times. Cause even though I had extreme lows I also had so many highs. Seven years is such a long time, I feel like half of me is missing.
I feel so upset. I know I should remind myself of all the bad things but I can't help but think of the close intimate times. I'm really struggling I have never felt so low in my life. I'm trying so hard to be strong and put on a brave face but on the inside I'm really falling apart.
It's not that I think I will go back to him that's not it. It's because I know I never will. I miss him so much and it's so hard cause I feel like nobody can understand what I'm going through.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. The thought of having to find someone else is just horrible. I never had any luck with men before Fred I don't see how it will improve.
I'm so anxious and low it is horrible I feel like I can't cope. I realised the Co worker doesn't like me in that way and was just being friendly. He seemed like my dream man but who was I kidding thinking that he'd like me. I will never find a man like him.
I just wish the pain would go away I wish I could just forget Fred why cant it be easy. It is so hard. I'm sorry for ranting on I have nobody else to talk to at the minute as my parents and best friend are away. When will this stop? How long before I feel normal I just feel so empty
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 9, 2014 21:28:10 GMT
Hey Molly,
This is so normal to feel....trust me ALL women who dated abusers in the past feel this way at one point. It takes most women in average 7 attempts to leave for good.
If you look at what you are feeling right now as "withdrawal symptoms" of an addiction, rather than "This is me and I am feeling this way", it might help. Because you do not miss the man or the relationship. You miss the illusion you had a long time ago about who he might be and maybe was at that time. In the beginning abusers are charming and nice. After all.....would you stay if someone choked you on the first date? No.
It is also like alcohol or drugs. It sure feels nice those first times, doesnt it? Then you continue to go back for the "good" stuff....only to realize you have to bare more and more bad (abuse) to get the occasional fix. HE chooses when to give you that fix. So it is normal that after 7 years of him choosing how you feel by giving affection or withholding it- that you miss him. He was in control of regulating how you feel. It takes time....TIME is essential and no contact as well.
Have you considered seeing a professional counselor? It is also important to find a GOOD counselor. Not any counselor will do because I also heard of cases where the counselor was not a good match- and you want to find someone you feel safe with, where your gut tells you it is ok and a good spot to address your healing.
You are now in the actually most difficult phase of leaving an abuser. Most people assume "oh she left him so she has to be happy." False.
I left my abuser and first I felt strong. Then I went back to him 3 times. Sometimes when an abuser has isolated you, you also do not have a social network to catch you when you fall out of the relationship. Plus PTSD can cause symptoms such as depression and anxiety by itself and you definitely experienced some serious trauma in your relationship with him.
It is good to talk about exactly how you feel because this is a safe spot. We understand!!! I too started crying about how "perfect my ex was" and how "id never find someone like it" and then I would run around frantically trying to find "anyone" to be that prince charming.
Coming out of abuse can feel like a rollercoaster and almost bipolar experience. It is always good to get professional help during that path because deep down we of course do not enjoy this way of feeling about ourselves.
You WILL feel normal again. This WILL pass. But for now....the pain might pop up here and there. If you look at it like something that DOES grow weaker over time - it can help to find light in the future.
Believe in yourself. You never needed a man to be complete. Right now you need your love and attention. You know how to heal yourself, listen to that inner voice.
Do NOT be ashamed. You have experienced something very traumatic and your body and mind are trying to make sense of something that does not make any sense.
wanting him back, is like wanting a drug back. You know it would fix "it" for a very, very short time. But with serious and severe consequences of more serious damage long run.
Hope that helped! We are here if you need an ear. We understand.
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Post by Finally Free on Jun 10, 2014 21:58:07 GMT
Hi Molly, I know the feeling you are talking about, I think its very normal to grieve even though the relationship was and is abusive, its a strange feeling and you need to be strong with yourself and dont think of the rosy times cos they were 'fake'. You may have genuinely believed they were so right but sadly Fred just played his game to control you. Dont give in, the hard times come and go but life does get better....meeting your real Prince will happen in time and its better to meet him when you are happy and of a healthy mind I think. From my experience going back to my ex the last time was horrific because I thought therapy for his problems etc was going to be a magical cure...wrong...the abuse became so much worse and I feared for my life. Even though I am not completely free of him my life is so much better than I ever imagined it could be. Stay strong, youve made a major step, one fo the hardest to leave. I think counselling would help also so that you dont fall prey to another abuser as I did, I really wish id had counselling years ago so that I wouldnt have met a second and third abuser, now I know all the signs and therapy has helped me...it wont happen again! I know you feel low now and that is normal, cry it out and stay strong like you have been....you will get there.
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Post by molly24 on Jun 11, 2014 20:09:04 GMT
Thanks for the help, everything was going ok today I thought until I got 4 missed calls off his sisters phone (which was supposed to be blocked), freds brother had a heart attack a few weeks ago and I thought it might have something to do with that so I rang her back and he answered.
He sounded so calm and reasonable, explaining that he knew we were broken up and explaining how he's moving house. He wanted to know could we not still talk on the phone once a week to catch up and see how we were doing. I agreed once I made it clear that under no circumstances would we be getting back together. I thought I was ok with it but the thing is I miss him so much now.
I'm doing so much to keep busy by working and socialising but the truth is every time I go home alone I miss him more. A part of me is thinking maybe I should give it one more try when rationally I know it won't work out. It's gotten to the point that I don't want to leave the house cause the whole process of going home alone and with nobody to be intimate with is bringing up so many emotions in me. I miss him so so much. I know this sounds really stupid and contradictory but I actually miss the verbal not seriously violent attacks cause at least we made up.
I'm just really struggling I have usually ok mornings but it's home time I'm really struggling with. I just want to be close to him like I said I feel like a part of me is missing. I am too busy to really get counselling nor do I have the money until I get paid in 2 weeks. To be honest with you I had counselling in college and I don't think it did much for me. I mean I already know what's going on. I intellectually know what's going on but that doesn't help me emotionally. I know all about the trauma bonding and everything but sometimes that doesn't help when you just miss the person you love.
Ok maybe Fred doesn't love me or can't love me properly but that doesn't mean I didn't love him 100% and dedicate the last 7 years of my life to him. Sometimes all this talk of trauma bonding and all these different theories I don't think they are enough to surmise what is going on in my head and my heart. Me and Fred are two people ok that have a very dysfunctional relationship but we still very much depend on each other physically and emotionally. Ok I think I'm in major denial but I'm just being honest.
My head is all over the place I really want to ring him again. I really want to go back why is it so hard to stay strong.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 11, 2014 21:30:27 GMT
Hey Molly,
Just to let you know I understand. It is ok to go back to Fred. It does not mean that it will be safe or healthy. It is really like a drug addiction where as soon as you allow him to control you by whining for the weekly phone call, he is back in his position of manipulating how you feel. He is the source of both, the good and bad feelings. It takes most women in average to leave 7 times. Often the final escape is a close call to homicide.
He is now doing what all abusers do when they need the control back. He pulls in other people, his sister, to manipulate you into being in panic (about his brother) and then giving in to contact. Why? Well he knows your buttons. The man had 7 years to study what works with you.
Again, I understand. I went back a few times myself and I do NOT judge you, whatever it is you decide to do. I understand the dynamics and the addictive and traumatic aspect of domestic violence. I am sorry you did not feel like your counseling experience was very helpful in the past. It happens that we do not find the right counselor right away and it takes sometimes time and research to find a good one with whom we 'click'.
You know this abuser better than all of us and you have become a professional at surviving his attacks on you. If anything you know what to expect and how to save your life and/or permanent health if you do go back. And we are here, even if you go back and then leave again.
I remember feeling like nobody else but my Ex could make me feel "better" and I felt at the same time like letting everybody around me down when I did go back. Luckily I did go back after I had read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft and also spend a few weeks alone, living in safety and enjoying not walking on eggshells. I was so relieved to not fear when he would go off on me and I started to feel: "Maybe, I DO deserve better and CAN have a better relationship! I was not born to live in fear and codependency."
Just know whatever you feel is normal and you are not alone. Many women before and after you feel this way after living in abusive environments for so long. There is a way out when you are ready to love yourself more, than you love the addiction to a violent and manipulating man.
We are here.
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Post by molly24 on Jun 14, 2014 7:58:42 GMT
Thanks so much janine.
I feel so confused and quite bipolar. I agreed to meet him and we went for dinner. During the course of the meal I found out he had been texting a girl *Sarah* and had asked her out on a date today. He told me it meant nothing and he was only doing it cause he was lonely and thought I would never get back with him. He then promised me he would change and texted Sarah telling her he had gotten back with me and he loved me. So everything went well I thought until he decided the following day that he would go out with his friend *tom* on Saturday which is today and the day he was supposed to be going on a date with Sarah. I wasn't happy cause I was paranoid he was going on a date with Sarah. Then he said if you don't trust me I will just leave you and go on my date with Sarah.
I'm so confused. Cause when he was talking to me when we were broken up the thing he kept saying is your not going to get with somebody else straight away and I said no but the whole time he was setting up a date with Sarah.
I feel like I'm back at square one only this time I feel worse because I know he is going to be with someone else. I'm so upset I let him back in to hurt me all over again and now I am going to be thinking of them together. I really can't cope with all of this. I actually thought he would change and was so happy for a day.
Why did I let him back in my heart. I feel so sick and alone. I really don't know if I can cope. I just wish I could erase him from my memory, I wish I never agreed to meet him cause then I wouldn't have known about Sarah.
I'm so so so upset. I feel horrible. Why is he doing this to me? I let him back in and now I'm miserable and he's in control, god I'm even considering ringing him. How can he move on so fast.
I'm trying to get into the mind space I was a week ago where I was so sure I was doing the right thing in leaving him. I have never been so confused in my life. I wish I never knew about Sarah aswell the thought of them together makes me sick and makes me want him because he's always been mine.
I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn to pieces. Sorry for ranting it's the only place I can
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 14, 2014 15:25:29 GMT
This would be a great time to read the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It is all strategy and used to control you. If he cannot get what he wants by crying, threatening suicide (apparently the man is not so sad after all if he is already thinking about dating) and insulting you (look how little you mean because I am already going to date someone else)
It is not about Sarah. Who knows if she even exists.
It is a distraction strategy. Now you do not think about HIS abuse but focus in on "Sarah" like a camera lens.
It might also be a good time now to see if you can get a counselor on board. If money is tight and you think you do not have much time 'free' think about priorities. What is your own inner peace worth to you? Do you want to heal? Then you can still contact a DV hotline and ask a local shelter if you can come and talk to a counselor there. It is a free service and they can give you hands on advice on what to do in your daily life to feel better about this.
The only advice I can give you during this very difficult time is that no contact is essential. As soon as you let him contact you, he will use a Sarah, a Michelle, a Tiffany, his suicide, his family issues, how love, his missing you...whatever words he uses to manipulate you, to get you back in.
And.....I too have been there. I freaked out when I heard my Ex was dating someone right after I had left. I even went to his house to walk around and see if he was inside with her.
Because....this IS crazy making and it is normal to feel bi-polar for a few weeks or months. That is why outside help is essential. He has pulled you into his crazymaking world for so long, now you internalized it and you think this is the 'norm' and that you are somehow at fault or lost a precious "gem" (him) to another woman.
Let us know how reaching out for the domestic violence shelter or hotline was and what you think of the book, if you feel comfortable with both options to try them out to heal.
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Post by molly24 on Jun 22, 2014 0:33:59 GMT
Thanks for the reply janine it really means a lot. When I get paid next week I think I might buy the book by lundy bancroft as it seems to be so well reviewed and highly recommended.
In the meantime I have realised that I don't need Fred. I realise how horribly he treated me and I am getting a lot of support off old friends that have been so good to me considering I had nothing much to do with them when Fred was there for all them years but I think they all understand that I was made isolated by Fred.
I have been on a few nights out and even had a one night stand because it felt good and I just felt like it would rid me of Fred and take my mind off him. The man I was with made me feel attractive and good and it made me feel young again because the last time I did anything like that I was 17. It was good to have fun and to feel attractive cause looking back Fred never made me feel them things.
I really have been talking about what Fred has done to me with my friends but wev been having a few glasses of wine in the process. But it helped me to relax and it was good to be able to get it off my chest as they have been so supportive and I don't feel as alone. Iv even spoken to a few men who are friends of my friends and they really reassured me that I can do so much better and that I will find somebody right and it's silly for me to think otherwise.
It really meant a lot because I guess Fred made me believe that no other man would ever want me. I used to feel ashamed and embarrassed but now I feel a little more confident about talking about it because of all the support iv been getting.
I mean I know I have problems and am not independent and I really need to work on myself and on discovering who I am and what I want because when I was with Fred I realise now that it was always about him and what he wanted and my needs never came into it. I need to learn to be ok by myself, but iv decided to get myself out there and enjoy living the single life because I was trapped for so long.
I realise now iv missed 7 years of my young adult life but I don't want to miss any more being miserable and unhappy. I can feel myself starting to live again starting to get a little more confident and realising I can do it without Fred.
I really think I'm turning a corner and I'm even starting to look at counselling in the next few weeks. I'm starting to feel alive and know now that no contact is so important. As soon as I contact Fred I feel terrible and when I'm away from him enjoying myself I am happy and free. I just hope I keep feeling like this cause I know my emotions will be all over the place for a while, but keeping busy and having fun really helps. Hope everyone on here is keeping safe and feeling ok. Thanks for all the support it really means a lot.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 22, 2014 14:59:30 GMT
Hey Molly, It really is an up and down off-road thing the months after leaving an abuser. It is normal to feel and do all sorts of things. That is why we often do go back- it seems so scary and confusing and we are all over the place in our minds we feel like. Take it day by day, it is OK!!! to have fun, get out there, reconnect and....almost like an imprisoned puppy, the gates open and we rush out with a big smile!! Those moments when we have hints of the idea life CAN be great without an abuse who sucks us dead, are great! And the longer we go no contact, the better we feel. With the occasional down at the start, and that is ok too. If you do feel down just know it is ok and that feeling passes. Stay safe and we are here to listen, no matter what and when you need an ear or to just share how GOOD it feels to be alive, be out there, meet people who are not abusive etc. Once you do go back into the dating world- I highly recommend you to read "Why does he do that" but also another good (and very affordable book) called "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea. Steve has been working with us here for many, many years and this book is for women BEFORE they date abusive men or at least it helps during early stages of falling for someone to stop, check in with yourself with the help of that book, and see if and red flags appear. Victims of domestic violence sometimes unwillingly enter another abusive relationship right after they left an abuser. These men sniff out the need we have at that time of our life for approval from the outside. Once your shift is more focused on internal approval (a good counselor can really help you with that!), it will be much much harder for an abuser to enter your life. Your radar is up, your gut warns you and you trust yourself. Enjoy your new freedom!
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Post by Finally free on Jun 25, 2014 20:42:06 GMT
Hey Molly, I really understand missing the person you love but who has also hurt you. Maybe it isnt your time to leave yet, it does take quite a few times to leave an abuser like Janine says. I went back until he made it impossible to return as the last episode was so scary I feared for my life. The book Janine is telling you about is fantastic and I wish id read it during my last relationship. Its worth getting a copy its kind of a quick counselling session on these type of men, especially as life can be so hectic to sort counselling etc.
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