anna
Member
Posts: 1
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Post by anna on Aug 21, 2018 10:25:23 GMT
I find myself thinking what is the point in living when 2 yrs later my life is getting worse not better. The effect he has had on our daughter has left her so damaged I can’t see her ever getting better. She wants to die. She had a baby very young a few months ago & initially I thought this child had saved my child’s life. Not anymore. She no longer cares for the baby, she resents her for the impact on her life. I’m left looking after this beautiful innocent little baby that is so happy all the time despite her mother not wanting her. I cannot leave them alone any more as she can’t cope with her & loses her temper. So I let her go out with friends knowing she will get drunk, take risks & maybe one day not can me home. The alternative is keeping her locked up but then she just tries to kill herself. Anything she can harm herself with is kept in a lock box, I have the key on my person 24/7. She has been medicated but still this reckless behaviour continues. If I was gone she would be with her godparents who could probably raise her better than I ever could. They’re stable & own their own business. They could raise her to be a functioning member of society so much better than I ever could. Their 2 grown children are very well rounded adults. I know she would never forgive me for leaving her but she would have a chance at a life I could never provide her & my granddaughter with them. Her “father” is still part of her life. He is a typical narcissist who only care about her if it suits his needs. I would give anything to turn back time & not go back to him. He damaged her so much in just a couple of years. All I can see in her future if she has one is mental illness & heartbreak. I can’t bare to see her like this, the guilt is too much. She’s so young yet so broken. I look at her any & see such innocence & yet my daughter was once. She is damaged because of my terrible decisions. I can’t watch her do that to her own child. I thought by now I would be better & enjoying my life of freedom but instead I’m fighting a constant battle with the demons in my own head. I miss the woman I was before he broke me. I will never be her again, I will always be this husk that just pretends she is ok & full of life when I fact I feel like there is no hope.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 22, 2018 22:01:03 GMT
Hi Anna, things sound really tough right now. The "fallout" of having been abused or even witnessed abuse is incredibly traumatic. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for all that affects your daughter and now your grandchild.
Anna, you can't control how your daughter responds to what is happening around her. We also can't go back and change the past. What happened with your ex husband/her father..it is in the past. I know he is still in her life, that is also a decision she and you (if you have custody of her) can control. He doesn't have to be the center of anyone's life. I am sure you made the best decisions you could with the information and ability you could at that time.
You are beating yourself up at this point and I would urge you to give yourself a break. Being in an Abusive relationship is horrible. There is struggle and abuse and horrific things done that can never be changed or even forgotten. I am not saying we should forget. BUT..it sounds like you are blaming yourself and honestly, I don't believe that you were the cause of your daughter's distress. ABUSERS and NARCISSISTS...they are the proble Her FATHER is the problem, what he did to you and to her..HE IS THE PROBLEM Anna, not you.
It is incredibly hard to survive an abuser. What I see is Anna who is strong, courageous, wise, smart, able to leave an abusive relationship, able to start over and re-build her life, Anna who is loving and kind and generous to take on loving and caring for an innocent baby, Anna who knows she wishes she could change the past and who is doing her best to give her daughter a better life.
I suspect your daughter's Godparents are great people. I also suspect that you are a great person too.
I hear ya, it is very very difficult to watch our children suffer and struggle, especially as the result of a Asshole called the Abuser. Even 2 years later, there can be "leftover" feelings from the trauma of being abused. I am 4 years out and I still struggle at times.
Anna, if you don't want to be broken, you don't have to be. You can find that "woman" you used to be and perhaps take parts of her, and the parts of you that have survived the domestic violence, and become a new and different Anna. It is also very OK to have a bad day, or bad week, or even bad month. VERY Ok.
If you are feeling like you need to talk to someone, you can still call the National Hotline and talk out your thoughts and feelings, you can go to counselling and you can get support. There are groups for survivors of DV. And, it can be free.
I think you are doing the best job you can for your daughter and granddaughter. None of this is easy, it can hurt like crazy.
Anna, if you feel like you don't want to live, please give the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8755 a call. There are counselors available 24/7. Please, don't let things get to the point where you want to check out. I see a really good person in you Anna, you have done so many good things for your family, please don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve to punish yourself for what has happened.
Sending you a cyber HUG Anna, it will be OK..
Please let me know how you are doing.
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