Hi treacie, welcome back!
One thing I can say is I am glad you are away from your ex. I was in a relationship for 26 years and have been out for about 4 and 1/2. Rebounded into the worst abusive relationship (ex husband was also abusive) and have been free of that one for just about 4 years. He taught me what abuse really looks like. I just broke up with a guy whom I have been with for 3 years.
So, do we ever heal after abuse or do we accept our new life and get through? Very good question. I ask myself that a lot.
What I do believe is that it is different for all of us, meaning how I heal and go forward is very different from what may work for someone else. I got very lucky with a counselor from my local DV center (where counselling is free) and I have gone in and out of counseling I think 3 times.
I just started back about a month ago. I was being "triggered" constantly with my recent boyfriend and I just couldn't deal with the whole relationship thing any longer. He was not abusive...but he had a lot of similar personality traits and behaviors that just reminded me too much of being abused by my ex-husband and the ex rebound guy. He and I worked really hard at making this relationship healthy and good, but he had just gotten separated from his second wife when we met, he was abused and still is by his mother, abandoned by his father, and even though he worked to overcome a lot of those issues, we both had too much baggage that was just too much for us to overcome. We both still have wounds that don't have scars yet. It hurts, as I loved him, but we are better for it.
I believe that recovering from abusive relationships is kind of like how a wound starts to heal. A scab forms, it heals and then comes off and at times a scar is formed. There will always be some sort of feeling that goes with that scar. There may even been a stab of pain or hurt at that scar site when something irritates it, kind of like it will always be tender to the touch. Maybe we just learn how to not to touch it, or we learn how to guard that scar so it doesn't get touched or triggered and that stabbing pain comes back?
I can say I have "wounds" that now have scars, I still have some wounds that have scabs. I still get triggered. I think for me though, I try very hard to learn from each trigger and figure out why I am feeling the way I am feeling, then try and find a new way to respond to the trigger so if I get triggered again (there is always a huge chance it will be triggered again), that "stabbing" pain I spoke of isn't as harsh as it was the first or second time it happened. There are also things that will tear open those "scabs" that are not completely turned into scars. I had a lot of that when I first starting dating my most recent guy. He triggered me a few months into the relationship and some of those scabs came open. I got through it and tried to work it through..but he just kept triggering me.
He and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. I am very relieved that he is gone and I am not being triggered anymore by him. I have this feeling of being free and life is much easier. I smile more, I laugh more, I enjoy my friends and family more. I have ups and downs..but more ups than downs.
One thing I also believe is that we never really forget. I remember so many awful moments with the exes. Some stuff feels like it happened yesterday, but there are also memories that don't sting as much. There are days where I can go all day and not think of my ex-husband or ex-rebound guy. I find myself feeling pretty good on those days. I think now I don't dwell on those thoughts and that seems to help.
I am happy right now, I am loving my life. I celebrate everyday something positive and good because I survived the worst moments of my life. I love me, I listen to my inner voice, I try not to get stuck on the negative stuff because I know if I do I will get depressed and then everything else will go down hill too. I find things that make me happy..I read lots of books, I write, I hike and go kayaking, and I take cooking classes and I spend time with those people I love and who love me. And I come to this forum as often as I can because it continues to help me. For me, I need to give back, I needed to find a way to make this horrible nightmare into something good. I was determined to find that "light at the end of a very dark tunnel" and vowed to myself that if I could help someone else find that light..then maybe this all wasn't for nothing. I was helped by so many courageous people on this forum. Helping others helps me too.
From what you said, it sounds like life is a struggle right now for you. And there are moments I am sure where it feels like we will never get rid of our past. It just never goes away. What does work for you? What isn't working right now? Because what did work may not work for now.
Please keep posting if that helps you, I am here and will do my best to help.
Hope today was a better day!
Karen