He got to me

Hey Samantha, OMG..he is a shit. AND he is right where he should be..in jail. You said "no", not only once but twice, and that should have been enough. I am so sorry this happened to you..I hope he gets more than a year.

I am very sure you are struggling with this. It is more trauma on top of trauma and just when we think we can let our guard down, they show back up and terrorize.

And "zero love"..very understandable. Loathe and Rage are two words that come to my mind when I think of the ex shits in my life. The feelings of missing him and wanting to go back? Those are usually related to what our brains remember of the "good times". It seems like it is a way our brains try and figure out a way to cope. So we go to the memories or the feelings that were "good" in our life. Our brains don't know if the memory happened yesterday or nine years ago. It is all the same to it. Those feelings may come and I know for me what worked was to literally focus on letting them go. Like, not dwelling on them, and realizing what they are and why I was having them. Instead of believing that they were feelings that I should act on. Feelings are feelings, we can't always control how we feel. BUT, we can control what we do about those feelings.

I too remember having "no love" for my ex-husband and probably hadn't for several years. I still have no love for him (5 years later). BUT what is really strange, it has been 5 years since I told him I was leaving and there are days when it feels like it just happened yesterday. Other days, it seems like a very long time ago.

I think you said you have a counselor you see? If so, maybe contacting them and seeing if you can have an extra session? Are there counselors at the shelter? People you can talk to to help you process all this? My other thought is these shits really take away our control, meaning we can feel very "helpless" when around them. They want us to feel helpless. It may pay to think about a self-defense class, to learn how to defend yourself if you cross paths with him or with anyone that could harm you in the future. Self-defense can give us a feeling of control, and learning how to have an out..like using pepper spray to give us opportunity to flee. We can train ourselves to survive a traumatic event.

For example, I have a friend who has a family member who died in a commercial airline crash. One of the things my friend chose to do for her and her husband is take a class on how to increase your chances of surviving a plane crash. There are several things she learned that she and her husband practice everytime they fly, they love to travel, so this is important to them. My friend feels empowered when she is on a plane. She feels prepared if something were to happen. She feels more in control.

And I know when faced with danger, like you faced last night, it stuns us into paralysis, so please don't misunderstand that I think any of this is easy. It isn't. It takes a lot of courage, strength, and smarts to face our biggest fears, I am no different. One thing I do is when I go somewhere I scan my environment, I learn where the exits are, I see who is around me, I try and prepare myself mentally ahead of time "what if" type stuff. What if I see the ex's car, or him at the store, or his new wife? I have thought about this stuff. I want to think that my brain would go into survival mode if I had to. I always have my phone with me, it has an emergency call button, I know how to use it.

I have learned that I can't control people, I can't control the exes and their crap, but I can control me. I can control where I go, who I am with, what I say, I try and figure out what I would do. Believe me, this is all easier said than done, and I know I am not very good at it. But for me, it is about trying to get my control back, my life back. I have learned through a lot of self analysis and looking at the world, that my "Life is a Gift". AND I am very determined that certain kinds of people are not going to mess with my life. I don't know how I would have reacted in your shoes, I would have been terrified, then enraged like you are.

Thinking of you samantha, wish I could rid the world of jerks like him!

Hey Samantha,

I saw your other background and I am so glad you got out. I know you’re in the thick of it now, but you are so strong! And hopefully he will get the point to leave you alone soon. But maybe a self defense class would be good for you as a stress relief and a way to empower yourself.

Definitely keep working with your therapist. Hopefully she is skilled and can help you as you get through this challenge. You can do it!

Hi Karen & anonymama.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Now he's left a message on my car! He really doesn't give a crap about the protection orders. I spent the night at my mom's last night because she's not been feeling well. My nephew had to go home for a bit and I didn't want her to be alone. I guess he must have done it early in the morning while my mom and I were still sleeping. I got up and there was a Lifehouse CD under my windshield wiper! There was a sticky note attached that said "Remember?" on it. Lifehouse was my favorite band from middle school on and the second date he took me on was to a Lifehouse concert. For a minute, just for a minute, I felt a pang in my stomach and started remembering how it was in the beginning. When I met him I was very self-conscious and felt like my life was going nowhere, and he was so sweet and supportive and he was always complimenting me. He said I could be whatever I wanted to be and that he believed in me. He made me feel safe and secure for the first time since I was a little girl. That feeling didn't last long, now I'm just angry. He had to know it would mess with my head and it did. I reported it to the police but they told me outright that most likely nothing will come of it because no one saw him and anyone could have done it. I asked them what has to happen for them to actually lock him up, does he have to put me in the hospital again? He basically said the law's not perfect, his hands are tied and I need to find a way to protect myself. And in his exact words: "It's a dangerous world, honey." So this is what I'm up against??

I told my counselor today I feel stuck. I feel like I have to do something to protect myself. I can't hide forever and I can't rely on a protection order that he doesn't give a shit about violating. I like the idea of the self-defense course but it feels too overwhelming. Just being around other people--not even interacting with them verbally, much less physically--is really hard right now. She asked me if I've ever heard of something called healing touch. I haven't but she said it's something I might think about looking into. There was a study done in 2012 which found that healing touch combined with guided imagery reduced the PTSD symptoms. This was the study:

www.scripps.org/news_items/4304-study-shows-marines-ptsd-symptoms-reduced-via-integrative-medicine

Has anyone heard of this or tried it? Either healing touch or guided imagery or both? My counselor has experience with guided imagery but not healing touch. It would have to be an outside practitioner which I'm okay with if it will help.

Ugggghhh so sorry you are going through this! Just keep documenting everything. Did cameras catch anything?

Just keep remembering it is a mind game. You know that and that’s why you are angry. Since you have the knowledge you have the power to remind yourself of your freedom.

I don’t know much about healing touch but it seems pretty cool. Definitely look into it. Meanwhile, could you look up some self defense videos on YouTube? Maybe you could get into it alone first.

Sorry I’m not too helpful as I don’t have experience with stalking but I’m here for support!

Hi Samantha, it truly sounds to me like you are doing all the right things for you! Healing touch sounds really good! Like I said, I loved the Reiki I had done. The person who did it is a friend of mine and she gave me a written report afterward which was really accurate as to how I was feeling. It was very surprising to me, but I felt really better after.

The anti=anxiety meds..just for your FYI..can be taken as needed. You don't have to take them routinely for them to work. Many people take them in the evening as they help with sleep also. I have not taken them, but I see people take them everyday and they are usually "fast acting" and can just help to take the "edge" off your stress. It just calms you down and the stress and anxiety calm so you can think more clearly. I heard recently that cannabis oil is also very helpful..not sure if it is legal in all areas, but supposedly it has medicinal purposes. I am not a doctor and my opinion is just that, an opinion. Vitamin deficiencies are HUGE lately amongst many humans. This may really help you to consider the shots. I hear more and more how vitamins really affect our overall health and well being. That may be an "easy fix" to get that vitamin back into sync.

Hugs to you on starting to pursue a divorce. I remember going to the attorney for the first time, I took my sister with me because I was so worried that I would forget everything I needed to ask or I wouldn't remember any of the information she told me. I was scared to death, somehow thinking my husband at the time would find out (I hadn't told him yet that I wanted a divorce). I think I even cried while there. It is a very difficult conclusion to come to when that "knowing it is time" sinks in.

Things working out? I wouldn't think so, but that is a question only you can answer. I only pursued the divorce once I accepted that there wasn't any chance of us staying together. That is why it took me 2 years to come to the point where it was time to leave. I didn't make that decision easily by any means. AND, I knew if I took that step? I wasn't going back and I haven't. As the process went on, and he became more abusive, it only confirmed what I knew all along.

"Trust Your Journey" Samantha, it will lead you to a good spot!

Hi Samantha, I don't know about Cannibis oil making you "high". I would be surprised if it did as it is probably in a pill form so it is controlled as to how much is in it. It helps with pain and I have heard from a friend of mine whose son takes it for anxiety that it helps. It may be worth looking into. It is probably considered "homeopathic" and your doctor may or may not be a fan of that type of medicine, so you may have to do some research on your own. My partner takes several herbal supplements and he finds them very helpful. There are tons of websites out there that support herbal remedies. I have used a few (mostly for skin issues) and they work. I also use essential oils and I find they are calming as well (Like lavender before bed). I have an oil diffuser that I can put a drop on a lava stone and it gives off the scent all day. I have a piece of jewelry that holds the stone and I can smell it all day. It helps keep me calm at times. And there is a ton of information about essential oils. Lots out there that can help and not too costly.

I think you are very wise in your conclusions about your marriage. I know those decisions do not come easy. Him getting served while in prison..great idea. I was afraid of my ex's reaction to the papers. I was lucky though as he agreed to a legal separation, but even that he had to draw it out (it took 4 hours of sitting with a mediator to draw up our papers). We have 2 children together and had to figure out the custody of the youngest one who was a minor at the time, so we needed an agreement. He did not make it easy by any means. Fortunately, the mediator saw how difficult he was and she didn't charge me for 4 hours (the first hour was her getting him to trust her). It cost me over $600 for that meeting. BUT it was worth every penny. He chose to ignore the papers which drew the divorce out even longer (it took 18 months as in my state you have to be separated at least a year before you can file). Every time he got a piece of paper he was given like 30-45 days to respond and there were times he could have signed and made it quicker..heck no. He had to make me miserable. My reaction was to keep plugging away because he really believed that I was not serious about divorcing him. In the end, I believe I came out much stronger, happier, and free of a 185 pound weight that I carried on my shoulders for 20+ years. I have never felt more free. My ex continued to be a shit initially after the divorce, but I have not seen him in almost a year and it has done my soul a lot of good. I have to see him over a period of about 10 days as my daughters are both graduating from college and high school, I am heading back to my counselor as I anticipate this is going to be more challenging than I thought.

For me, my divorce was ugly. Some people stay friends and part amicably. I sold the house too which also caused all kinds of arguing. But again, I had to downsize considerably and in the long run, it was the best thing I have done.

So, stand in there (I don't say hang in there because that to me says we are not stable, I prefer to have a firm ground under my feet)! It sounds like to me that you are doing the best things for you! That is what is important right now!

Hi Samantha...Oh my gosh! I am so sorry this has happened! WOW! I can only imagine how you are feeling, devastated makes a lot of sense and you have every reason to feel that way. This was not part of the plan I am sure.

Definitely talking to your doctor is a really good thought, I would also consider calling your counselor and trying to get an appointment with her. This throws so much into the whole process. It may really help to talk to your counselor and begin to think about what options you do have. There are choices, but they may not be what you want or need right now. And if you have to tell the court, there has to be some guarantee that he does not find out. I don't know the laws, but there isn't anything that says he has to know. AND, there isn't anything that says you have to tell him he is the father, saying you don't know who it is may also be an option.

I am sure there are so many things running through your head right now. SO MANY. Abortion (as you mentioned), there is adoption, there is not telling him, or telling him. The problem is, he will do everything in his power to get you back and this just became more "fuel" for him to use to do that. It is a miracle that you didn't have a miscarriage given the amount of stress you have been under and how physically abusive he has been.

There is the option of loving this baby, as it is innocent and deserves the best of you. Your ex may abuse this child. This child needs to be protected from your ex. Narcissists don't seem to like their kids very much. They claim to love them, but it is a facade. This child will take so much attention away from them and they don't like that. I also bet you anything, your partner will accuse you of sleeping around. He will assume the baby could be someone else's. He will then blame you and abuse you. He then may try and get you back with every thing he has in his arsenal.

I am so sorry Samantha, this is so unfair!. I wish I had better answers and better words for you. I can only imagine how trapped you feel! It isn't right on so many levels! Perhaps, get some rest, take care of you!

Hi,

I got some clarity from my lawyer, as far as my husband finding out about my pregnancy and it's not what I wanted to hear. I wish you were right, Karen, but she said if I file for divorce, the judge will ask at the initial hearing if I am, to my knowledge, pregnant. So unless I lie, he's going to know. And because we are married, he will be presumed to be the father, unless a DNA test proves otherwise, which it won't. It's his baby. All my lawyer can do is argue that contact with my husband would be detrimental to the baby's well being. The only good news is he can't ask for visitation while he's in jail and that given his history, the chances of him being granted any unsupervised visitation at all are slim to none. At least until he's off probation and has completed a year-long batterer intervention program without any violations. It's a lot to take but that's what I'm up against.

I was able to get in to see my doctor today, and at least there it was more good news than bad. He told me he thinks the chances of the baby having issues from the drinking are pretty low, as except for that one night, I was only drinking 3-4 drinks a week (even if it was all at once a couple of times) and only for about a month. He said most babies born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and other serious defect are born to women who drank heavily their entire pregnancies. So that was a relief to hear. But there are no guarantees and unfortunately we won't know at least until the baby is born.

I had another ultrasound and unfortunately I can't tell them when I conceived, but the baby is measuring 15 weeks & 4 days. And I know I'm going to go through with this so I figured I might as well know: it's a boy. It still doesn't feel quite real. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and find out it's all been a dream. No, this definitely was not part of my plan.

Hi Karen,

My husband isn't in jail. He's still out on bail. But I just got word from my advocate that the DA thinks they are pretty close to working out a deal on the domestic violence charges. It's going to end up a misdemeanor. The good news is he is going to get jail time, but I don't know how much yet. I'm actually relieved. If this happens I won't have to go back to court over this. I'm so worried he'll see me and be able to tell.

I talked to my sister again and I think I'm going to move in with her after all. I don't want to leave my mom, but I found out that if I live there for 6 months, then I would be able to file for divorce there. The baby would be born by then, and custody could be decided at the same time. He'd have to come there to fight for it, and in in the future if he decided to file for a change in custody. He should either still be in jail at that point or at least still be on probation so I don't see how he'd get visitation. I'm going to speak to a lawyer there tomorrow but I feel like this is the best solution.

It still feels like I'm in a dream and I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. One minute I'm filled with dread and fear and I can't stop crying, the next I'm angry, and the next filled with love for this little baby. I know he's innocent and he didn't ask for any of this either. I just didn't plan on being a mom, at least not at this point in my life--I decided years ago that there was no way I wanted to have a baby with husband--and I don't feel qualified to be honest. I feel like he deserves better than the mess he's going to be born into. I can tell my mom wants to be happy about it but she's trying not to show it. I've been in touch with my counselor and I have an appointment this Friday. I hope she can help me make sense of all of this. This Saturday will be 6 weeks since I left and so much has happened and I have so many decisions to make, it's just all too much. I wish there was a pause button on life so I could find the time to breathe.