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Post by gladys on Mar 25, 2018 9:49:47 GMT
I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 he first beat me up when I was pregnant with my son and cried after saying how sorry he was and I felt sorry for him and forgave him I got married at 18 with a black eye and I don’t know how many times he hit me after that anyway I left and returned on many occasions with promises that it wouldn’t happen again but it did the violence did calm down a lot but I believe that was because I did what I was told for a peaceful life my children left home and had children of there own and my husband who used to smoke cannabis turned to alcohol instead and then my oldest son took his life that was 4and a half years ago and my husband became an alcoholic although he was probably already almost there anyway but I suddenly realized I couldn’t live like this anymore going to work and coming home being scared of going out with friends even tho he didn’t hit me anymore he was controlling everything I did I even pretended I was happy I believed I loved him I’m still confused as to how I feel about him I left in November after being verbally abused when we went to meet my son for breakfast anyway to cut a long story short he chucked his vapor ciggerette at my car window screen and smashed it and I haven’t been home since my daughter managed to get some of my clothes out and I am staying at a friends I have been going through an emotional roller coaster and I blocked him on my phone I have a new phone number so he can’t even leave messages anymore but he started leaving emails saying he was off the drink and going to AA well on one of my really low days he talked me into ringing him and I met up with him and as soon as we did I was feeling the pressure again although I didn’t want to go back I was agreeing to go out again anyway he walked off because I said I didn’t want to go back with him and I went home and he sent me loads of emails begging me to ring him I stayed strong and didn’t but he hasn’t sent anything since yesterday but I find I keep checking to see if there’s a message and I feel so confused why do I need contact what can I do to stay strong I need advice is this normal
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 25, 2018 15:38:35 GMT
Hi Gladys, welcome here, I believe you will find support here and hopefully some answers to help you going forward. First, please make sure you are safe and your computer or phone you are posting from is secure.
Your husband is abusive and it sounds like he has been since you were a young girl. His alcohol, his cannabis, none of that CAUSED him to be abusive. YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN..did not cause this. Your partner's behavior is all HIS FAULT. Staying away is one of the best things you can do for yourself and you are making really smart choices by changing your phone number. You can also block him from your e-mails. I looked it up once to see how I could block someone from sending an e-mail. I did it on my account and the e-mails are deleted before they even reach my e-mail address. May be worth it. The other thing you can do is delete them without reading them or put them in a folder without being read in case you need them for evidence later on.
It sounds like you have been married a long time and the abuse has been happening for over 20-30 years. What seems to happen is we (meaning the victims) become "adapted" or "adjusted" to what is happening and we accept it and learn to live with it. Good or bad, that seems to be what happens. I was in a marriage for 26 years..after looking back at that relationship, it wasn't good from the start. At the time, I believed it to be what I wanted..I loved him, I wanted to get married, I wanted a house and a home and a family. I never knew I would be the one paying for all those things. My ex husband wasn't complimentary, he put me down a lot,he was lazy and basically could have cared less about me. I told myself this was "normal"..this was "just him" and I loved him so I accepted it. He never hit me, but he was abusive mentally, financially, and I lived with it because I was committed to my marriage. I eventually left and things got more ugly, I changed the "normal". I didn't accept it anymore and he became so much more abusive. I never went back. I have no contact with him, even though we have 2 children together (they are basically adults..22 and 17).
We get attached to them. We believe that we deserve to be treated the way they treat us, possibly because we believe we did something to cause it. I didn't have great self esteem, so I believed a lot of the crap he told me over time. I was also taught to be "thankful" for all I had in life, including what I believed was a man who loved me. I thought I was lucky to have a guy that comes home every night, or he takes the kids and cares for them, and I was taught that divorce was not an option. I stayed, even though i was not happy. BUT, we get "hooked"..they give us just enough attention for us to keep on believing they are "good underneath" all the abuse.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to break away and stay away. We do struggle. What you are experiencing is very "normal" given all you have been through. It is like being addicted to cigarettes, our brains literally become "addicted" to them. We know they are not good for us, we know as soon as we go back or have contact (like touching a cigarette or even taking one puff) we will be hooked, but we tell ourselves.."just gonna see if it will be ok, afterall he says he's changed and he promised".
We have to change how we see the ABUSER..we have to look at the ABUSER (or cigarettes) as something that is so detrimental to our well-being that even the smallest amount of contact will hurt us. AND..we have to begin to accept that THEY WILL NOT CHANGE. AND that no matter how much love you give, no matter how much you sacrifice yourself, your wants and your dreams, THEY WILL KEEP ON TAKING AND ABUSING.
I would suggest a few things to you. Counselling. When you are ready, call or go to your local Women's Aide Society or Domestic Violence Center and talk to a counselor. They offer free support, shelter if you need a place to stay until you can figure out your next step..it is also safe and secure so he cannot find you; there is legal advice as you have rights to be free from abuse and to be protected; Counselling is usually free, there are support groups and resources to help you begin to heal.
There are also National Hotlines you can call and speak to a Counselor..24/7. You can remain anonymous.
Please know..you do not have to be abused anymore. NEVER AGAIN. Your husband is not going to stop abusing you until you stop giving him opportunity. And what I mean is it is not your Fault..NOT BY ANY MEANS..YOU are not the problem. But removing yourself from his grasp takes away the opportunity. You cannot change him. You can only change you.
You are already making good decisions Gladys. Everyday is a new opportunity to be free of abuse. I found a mantra that I have lived by since I left my now-ex-husband 4 years ago.."TRUST YOUR JOURNEY"..Listen to your inner voice. It tells you that you don't have to be abused. You don't deserve it, you have done nothing to cause it and it is wrong! Don't give your husband any opportunity to interfere any longer with what your inner voice is telling you.
Please let us know how you are doing. We are here to help, support, and listen. No judging.
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Post by gladys on Apr 1, 2018 8:06:43 GMT
Thankyou for your advice since I last spoke I have not answered his emails or made any contact which has helped me loads although it has been really hard .I really worried about replying on here in case he would see what I wrote but then realized that actually I was only writing the truth and I’m not with him anymore so I don’t need to be afraid of what he will do to me when I left I had no keys to our house which we own fully and just my handbag which in my favor had my purse driving license and even my passport and I had my car which meant I could continue to work lucky for me I had savings as well so was able to buy the basics that I needed I told myself that I didn’t need anything else I didn’t know what I would do but I decided to take one day at a time I left in November and I now have some of my things my daughter got for me like some clothes I am to scared to go in the house and get my belongings I have not seen a solicitor although I know I will need to I am not ready yet but I got a room to stay in at a friends when I first left I stayed at my daughters but he kept turning up there so I left he also had the dogs which I had to find someone who could look after them because my daughter said he couldn’t cope with but I managed to find someone to look after them for me while I find somewhere to live that I can take them well the good news is I have got a flat to move to where I can take the dogs so this is my next step will I be able to afford to live on my own and will I manage to stay strong I will find out soon I move in 2 weeks time.but in the meantime I went to my daughters yesterday and my daughter came in and said my husband was in my car and when she asked what he was doing he said getting his property he took some keys but that wasn’t what upset me I had a spare key at our house and he was able to get in my car with this I feel so angry that he has the house with all my belongings and it is still not enough he still wants more he has also threatened to pick up one of the dogs that my sister is taking care of and because I have nowhere else to put him I have to let him take it if he turns up to collect it because my sister quite rightly doesn’t want any conflict from him I don’t know if he will yet but my hands are tied as always but little steps and hopefully I will get there.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 1, 2018 20:18:57 GMT
Hey Gladys, kudos to you for not having any contact with him. I know it is hard, in fact, I remember there were times when I thought it was easier to go back and be with him then stay away. I don't believe that now, and I didn't go back. You are writing the truth and I am so happy for you that you are not with him. I am very glad that you had your purse, your car, and your passport and have been able to gather a few of your belongings. I would also let you know that if you call the police, they will escort you to your house and stay with you while you gather your things.
I am so glad you have a new "flat" to move to!! That is such a great thing and reason to celebrate!!! I hope he stays away from it and you!!Be careful going forward who you give your address out to. Any friends you both have in common, could somehow end up back to him. I hope you can keep at least one dog. I suspect he is keeping your belongings because he wants to be in control, he wants to dictate what you can have and what you cannot have. In my state..in the USA, property in the marriage is divided 50-50 and that is only with things acquired once the marriage started. ANYTHING prior to that, you have the right to your things. My attorney told me (when I was going through my divorce) to make sure I got out of the house the things that had a lot of meaning for me. She was fearful he would break things, just because he knew they meant something to me.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things Gladys. Keep going forward, one day at a time is a really good thing to do. If you feel the need to talk to him, or you want to contact him, please call a hotline and talk to a counselor, or post here, or find something you love to do and go and do it instead of talking to him. He will hurt you more.
Thinking of you Gladys, I am hoping you are doing OK!
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