Forwarded for Unsure

Hi - this may be a long message but I feel I have suffered domestic abuse - mainly verbal for 14 years.

I met my husband in the priory - I was in for depression and eating disorders - he was in because he thought it was trendy.

He looking back when I read the list of common traits of abusers - kind of wormed his way into my life - I had a flat that was my own - but he seemed to think we were suddenly a couple and we would live together - we got engaged but I still didn't really want him to live with me - it was all too quick. I have extreme guilt and I feel sorry for people and I felt sorry for him. I didn't want to say no.

On the other hand here was this exciting new man who had a fast car and could take me out of my life of depression working in London and being bullied at work all the time.

We lived in Europe for a long time because of work but that alienated me from any family/friends and I think that is when things got worse.

However I do remember being in my flat in the UK and being pregnant 4 months or so - we had been out for a meal and he had drunk - we had an argument and he hit me.

I think I may as a hormonal lady started it but I remember clearly he hit me and I thought gosh I am pregnant.

This was the same - I lost the baby - in Holland - I was perhaps 6 months pregnant and he had no thought for me staying up til gone midnight when my brother came to visit in a pool hall - I remember crying hysterically in a street and he just looked at me as though I was distainful.

I tried to leave in Holland and went back to the UK but the I will comit suicide etc. came about and he wooed me back. I didn't want to be a single mother but I would have happily have been if I had known all that was to come.

In Switzerland I was probably 7 months pregnant with my second and it was 40 odd degrees - I was not allowed the car to take my eldest to kindergarten unless I had sex with him - this being a recurrent theme.

He says when I have said about this that this was not the case he just wanted to drive to work - however it was a 10 min journey by train just over the road.

I went to a prospective new parents evening at the kindergarten at 8 months pregnant - he phoned during the evening and I turned the phone off - quite rightly - bearing in mind I am that far gone pregnant - I got home later than expected and |he went on and on at me about where had I been and I must have been up to something and I was scared - just on and on and on.  I couldn't understand it.

These are all things that just stick in my mind - so many more - also in Holland when my first was born and taken home - my mother was there - I had had an emerge fncy C-section and was very frail - he told me and my mother that we had not put the baby to bed properly and he should have music on - we disagreed and I spent half an hour in he toilet crying and in agony - my mother was livid with him - I had just had the baby and he nearly died and I couldn't wee properly and my scar etc. and yet I was being told off and he didn't care I was crying in the toilet.

Before the birth of my second I was told I had to have anal sex before delivery date - I was having a planned c section and had to do it on the morning - my mother was upstairs - he denies all of this.

We had two dogs - he wasn't very nice to them.  I have so much empathy and he knew how much I loved them - he would kick them - threatened to kill one of them during an argument.  If I went to the UK to visit my parents I was paranoid he was not going to look after them.

I had to leave Switzerland in a hurry - big argument - he had ripped up my passport, destroyed possessions, thrown water at me and hurt me - I was to blame I know because I had got in contact with an ex-boyfriend and we had been sexting - however the level of depravity he put me through was I think too severe - I feel grown-ups should talk about things and apologise and yes I was wrong etc. - my youngest was only 2 but my husband threatened to cut his throat in front of him and said disgusting things to mum on the phone - she had to fly out immediately and take my two children and myself home.

They promised a new life and I was excited but my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and after my operation/therapy my dad died in the October.  My husband had come back to the uk and on the day my dad died tried to comitt suicide.  I knew how my parents felt about my husband and I tried as I sat in Intensive Care with my husband in a coma phone and say he had had a collapsed lung and he was in IC.  Of course this all came out afterwards.

So my father died/I had had thyroid cancer and yet still the abuse went on - we had a third child - I longed for a girl but didn't have one - three boys.

My husband does nothing with the boys - I go to rugby/football/squash everything with them - just throw a ball in the park maybe with them but no.

You must be wondering why I am still here typing away.

My husband monitors everything I type by phone or by computer but I don't really care today.

Last weekend was the worst weekend.

I was ill with a chest infection and the car that my mum had paid for - this being probably 20 thousand pounds later f bailing him out - was a writeoff.

He earns a lot of money but decided I had to get taxis everywhere - so 50 or more quid a day and that wasn't having any freedom but apparently it was cheaper.

It wasn't and I said I needed a car as my mum was ferrying them about.

We went and got a hire car but I felt so ill I couldn't drive back and he had a go at me - it was a new car and I felt fuzzy and didn't want to drive on an A road with it - he didn't care just shouted.

This went on all weekend - why did I get a car for you - you are so fat and lazy - no obese you can't even walk to the car and drive.

Yes I have put on weight but that is because he worked from home for 3 months and demanded we went out for lunch everyday and then dinner at home - I dn't normally eat breakfast or lunch and with my thyroid problem I have put on weight and that depresses me.  I could have said no to lunch I know - he says that but he had a way of talking me round.

At the weekend he poked my tummy and told the children I didn't need to eat for a year so I was ok what did they want to eat.

He told them I was obese and disgusting and went on and on shouting in my face for half an hour.  On sunday after he same I flipped and hit him - and through a mug at him - he still hurt me as my bruise on face and eye is evident - however then he had the upper hand and it was all my fault  I was hysterical all weekend at him just repeating and repeating the same thing -fat lazy disgusting.

My eldest came into fire because he can see what his dad is like and started swearing at him - something he has done a lot lately to me as well - his dad gives him over the top punishments - a year without computer - no xmas presents (in may) - and then says his brother can have all his stuff.

This time my eldest really got upset and lashed out - my husband smashed his guitar - that my mum had loveingly chosen at xmas for him - not just smashed it but later smashed it to smithereens - I was hysterical with just sadness and upset - this was now going on to my children.  He told his brother he would buy him a new guitar and giv him lessons.  this caused more swearing from the eldest as he would do it in such a way so he could hear.

I just felt helpless but my children always so don't call the police etc. - I was told by the police that I have a duty to protect my children from him - after an incident when I tried to leave him and he tried to hang himself - something he denied even though he broke the light hanging - he said it was a joke.  It certainly wasn't as I had social services on my back for a year and it was him that was the person at fault.  He was made to stay away from me but then said he couldn't afford it and he had to come back otherwise we would live in poverty and I wouldn't be able to do that.

No apology this morning over everything at the weekend and I haven't said enough even though it looks like I have.

I just feel I am at fault - playing it over in my mind - did I infect blow the situation up?  I feel I didn't but maybe if I just shushed as my children tell me to do then it wouldn't have happened but I feel I am a person.

I mailed him this morning but he hasn't responded or apologised.

I don't care that much about myself but my children - it can only get worse once the second youngest realises what he is like and then it goes through the same path I guess.

Sorry