Post by mrsbrightside on Feb 5, 2018 0:14:47 GMT
My husband and I have been married 25 years but together 35. We have two children aged 20 and 22. I work full time and always have done. He hasn't worked since 2001 due to health problems (back pain). For about 5 years he helped to look after my mother and was a very good son in law, excellent in fact. She became too ill to continue caring for her at home so went into residential care 5 years ago. She died 14 months ago.
Over the years a few odd incidents had happened. One night he came into the bedroom to tell me we had come to the end of the road, I honestly thought he meant we had run out of cat litter! He would sometimes accuse me of playing with his head, I would ask what I had done and he could never tell me. I would sometimes see him drink alcohol and seemingly get very drunk, very quick on one glass of wine or a bottle of beer.
Just under five years ago, I came home from work to my husband and son arguing. My husband was incredibly nasty and was immediately aggressive with me too. I had never seen him like this before. It culminated in my husband grabbing hold of our son and threatening to break his arm and him into little pieces. The only way I could get my husband to loosen his grip on our son was to hit him in the face with a heavy book, that was enough to jolt him backwards and he lost his grip. He then started to try to hit our son with me in the middle of them and our son was frantically trying to protect me. Our daughter who was 15 / 16 at the time was just kneeling on the floor crying, it was all so out of character and frightening. After about another hour of him shouting and threatening to kill himself, I called the police as I didn't know what else to do. He was taken at around midnight to the local hospital and checked over.
At around 5am the hospital released him but I said I wouldn't take him home. He was still behaving really oddly and I was frightened to have him in the car. A doctor at the hospital asked my husband if he would mind having a blood test and he said he didn't. Just over an hour after the blood was taken, he was called back in and then a couple of minutes later I was asked to join him. He was three and a half times over the drink drive limit. This measure was used not because he had been driving but to give some indication of how much alcohol was in his system. He finally admitted he had been drinking for years, late at night, in the 20 minutes he would take the dog out for a walk he would drink half a bottle of vodka, sometimes more, then come home and go straight to bed. In the short moments between coming in and getting in to bed he would often be abusive, frequently told me I was a nasty piece of work, I was mental, controlling and so on. I would ask what I had done and he could never tell me. The following morning he would remember nothing and would be the same loving, caring man I fell in love with when I was 14.
When he left the hospital he immediately rang the number the A&E doctor had given him of a local drug and alcohol agency to get some help. Things became much worse, he became so aggressive verbally, never physically. I was blamed for making him ill, trying to drive him mad, stopping him from working, lying to him, seeing other people, turning the children against him. The list went on. He was given support by the organisation and the GP to stop drinking, he at least cut down but the ranting late at night continued and in fact got worse. I woke up one night with him sat on the end of the bed flicking a lighter, he has wandered off, fallen, hit his head and ended up with hypothermia, he has had falls, accidents (including severing tendons in his finger), broken ribs. He has said and done terrible things to me and our children but mostly me. Two days after my mother died he had a massive argument with our daughter which resulted in her leaving, she was 19 at the time. This was the same night he told me that I never loved my mother, that I wasn't much of a daughter, wife, mother, in fact I would be better off dead. I believed him. He also told me that he needed support to deal with HIS grief. He had previously told me to take my own life and believe me, I have considered it more than once.
He stopped drinking in January 2017. He says he has not had any alcohol since mid Jan 2017 but his rants continue. The GP has finally referred him to the community mental health team as hubby is worried about the fact that he cannot remember these night time episodes. He doesn't seem to be that bothered with how much they hurt me and will frequently accuse me of making things up, exaggerating or that I must wind him up to begin with. Anyway you cut it, it's my fault. In the day he is usually loving, kind and gentle. Everyone says how much of a lovely couple we are, so close and been together so long. I have no one to tell how low I feel, that I fantasise about dying most days, that I sometimes get 2-3 hours sleep but still work a 12 hour shift the following day. I am so worn down with being told that I am such a bad person, I will do anything for a quiet life. He tells me I control him, that I stop him from working, stop him from having friends, going out etc. It is the opposite. I actively encourage him to go and see friends, family, go out etc. We have a lot of animals, he tells me they are mine and if he works they will die. Previous to this, he used to say that if he went to work my mother would need to go into a home, when she did, he still didn't get a job. Prior to using my mother as a reason for not working, it was our children even though they were capable as young teenagers of getting back and for school themselves.
Our children want hardly anything to do with him. They are more tied to him through duty than love. He mocks them and me at night, he finds any weaknesses and uses it. Over Christmas our son was home from uni and he pecked at him for days to the point where our son said to me he couldn't stand anymore. We don't go out as come around 9:30pm his behaviour changes. I am lonely, frightened and have no hope for the future.
Sorry this is such a long post, this is the first time I have put the story together.
Over the years a few odd incidents had happened. One night he came into the bedroom to tell me we had come to the end of the road, I honestly thought he meant we had run out of cat litter! He would sometimes accuse me of playing with his head, I would ask what I had done and he could never tell me. I would sometimes see him drink alcohol and seemingly get very drunk, very quick on one glass of wine or a bottle of beer.
Just under five years ago, I came home from work to my husband and son arguing. My husband was incredibly nasty and was immediately aggressive with me too. I had never seen him like this before. It culminated in my husband grabbing hold of our son and threatening to break his arm and him into little pieces. The only way I could get my husband to loosen his grip on our son was to hit him in the face with a heavy book, that was enough to jolt him backwards and he lost his grip. He then started to try to hit our son with me in the middle of them and our son was frantically trying to protect me. Our daughter who was 15 / 16 at the time was just kneeling on the floor crying, it was all so out of character and frightening. After about another hour of him shouting and threatening to kill himself, I called the police as I didn't know what else to do. He was taken at around midnight to the local hospital and checked over.
At around 5am the hospital released him but I said I wouldn't take him home. He was still behaving really oddly and I was frightened to have him in the car. A doctor at the hospital asked my husband if he would mind having a blood test and he said he didn't. Just over an hour after the blood was taken, he was called back in and then a couple of minutes later I was asked to join him. He was three and a half times over the drink drive limit. This measure was used not because he had been driving but to give some indication of how much alcohol was in his system. He finally admitted he had been drinking for years, late at night, in the 20 minutes he would take the dog out for a walk he would drink half a bottle of vodka, sometimes more, then come home and go straight to bed. In the short moments between coming in and getting in to bed he would often be abusive, frequently told me I was a nasty piece of work, I was mental, controlling and so on. I would ask what I had done and he could never tell me. The following morning he would remember nothing and would be the same loving, caring man I fell in love with when I was 14.
When he left the hospital he immediately rang the number the A&E doctor had given him of a local drug and alcohol agency to get some help. Things became much worse, he became so aggressive verbally, never physically. I was blamed for making him ill, trying to drive him mad, stopping him from working, lying to him, seeing other people, turning the children against him. The list went on. He was given support by the organisation and the GP to stop drinking, he at least cut down but the ranting late at night continued and in fact got worse. I woke up one night with him sat on the end of the bed flicking a lighter, he has wandered off, fallen, hit his head and ended up with hypothermia, he has had falls, accidents (including severing tendons in his finger), broken ribs. He has said and done terrible things to me and our children but mostly me. Two days after my mother died he had a massive argument with our daughter which resulted in her leaving, she was 19 at the time. This was the same night he told me that I never loved my mother, that I wasn't much of a daughter, wife, mother, in fact I would be better off dead. I believed him. He also told me that he needed support to deal with HIS grief. He had previously told me to take my own life and believe me, I have considered it more than once.
He stopped drinking in January 2017. He says he has not had any alcohol since mid Jan 2017 but his rants continue. The GP has finally referred him to the community mental health team as hubby is worried about the fact that he cannot remember these night time episodes. He doesn't seem to be that bothered with how much they hurt me and will frequently accuse me of making things up, exaggerating or that I must wind him up to begin with. Anyway you cut it, it's my fault. In the day he is usually loving, kind and gentle. Everyone says how much of a lovely couple we are, so close and been together so long. I have no one to tell how low I feel, that I fantasise about dying most days, that I sometimes get 2-3 hours sleep but still work a 12 hour shift the following day. I am so worn down with being told that I am such a bad person, I will do anything for a quiet life. He tells me I control him, that I stop him from working, stop him from having friends, going out etc. It is the opposite. I actively encourage him to go and see friends, family, go out etc. We have a lot of animals, he tells me they are mine and if he works they will die. Previous to this, he used to say that if he went to work my mother would need to go into a home, when she did, he still didn't get a job. Prior to using my mother as a reason for not working, it was our children even though they were capable as young teenagers of getting back and for school themselves.
Our children want hardly anything to do with him. They are more tied to him through duty than love. He mocks them and me at night, he finds any weaknesses and uses it. Over Christmas our son was home from uni and he pecked at him for days to the point where our son said to me he couldn't stand anymore. We don't go out as come around 9:30pm his behaviour changes. I am lonely, frightened and have no hope for the future.
Sorry this is such a long post, this is the first time I have put the story together.