What you are describing is a very very NORMAL reaction to traumatic abuse. Every single woman on the planet who ever dated an abusive man, felt that way. There is nothing wrong with you as a human being. What is wrong, is the relationship you are in, because it is with an abuser.
Now might be a good time to use a safe phone (a phone he cannot track or look up past numbers) and call a DV hotline in your country or state.
It is hard and often dangerous to leave an abuser. The thing that matters the most, whether you leave or stay, is the safety of yourself and the safety of your children. If you have pets in the home, those might be in danger too. Leaving and the time after you left is statistically the most dangerous time for a woman. The DV hotline and/or a DV shelter in your area can help you with all the questions and concerns and worries you have.
You do not have to live like this. There is a better and healthier way.
Hi lms..you make perfect sense because what is happening to you is abuse. Sadly, it is predictable and you are right, you do know what to expect.
Please don't beat yourself up. Relationships are complicated, and throw in a partner who treats you horribly, that only makes it worse.
Janine speaks of great resources out there that can help. Calling the hotline doesn't mean you have to do anything now, it just means you can have someone to talk to. Someone who can help you be safe and give you options should you decide to make a change. One thing that really helped me when I was in a similar situation, is I started to learn. I started to read and understand what domestic violence is, what a "bad" relationship looks like and what a Narcissist is (most abusers are this type of personality, it is actually considered a personality disorder). I couldn't believe what had been happening in my relationships for about 30 years. Learning and educating myself, it gave me the "tools" I needed to begin to make changes in my life.
Janine is right..there is hope, there are options and you don't have to live the rest of your life miserable and getting beat up. Neither do your children. Neither you or them deserve to be hurt and treated as if you don't matter. There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel you find yourself in. It takes a lot of courage and strength to walk towards it..but you don't have to do it alone.
If you want to do some reading..there is a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by J.A.C. Patrissi and Lundy Bancroft. Two great authors and experts in the area of domestic violence.
Kudos for you coming here. It is a place to start, anytime you need to talk, or share. please post. We will help you in anyway we can.