I haven't posted in a while, a few months I think, but I have managed to keep up with the no contact and finding most days I feel OK, even though I often make peace with myself and accepting I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist but still find myself stumbling onto forums trying to convince myself that I caused my ex to be that way and they were just this perfect person who I made miserable or had BPD or something that they couldn't help and therefore I've lost this perfect thing. Therapy helps a lot. I hope you are all well.
Well done on keeping no contact! That is a hard thing to do for a lot of women who experience DV. It sounds cliche, but you are doing and feeling and thinking all the "normal" things a human being feels in such a situation. I did too.
It will get better, and you will feel ok again.
I remember thinking so many times that maybe my own mental health issues caused him to be that way. That "if only....then" we would have been perfect for each other. It is not love, that is trauma. Traumatic bonding/Stockholme syndrome. If you haven't yet, Belleruth Naparstek does a great job describing what happens on a body/physical level when you experience trauma. Her book "Invisible Heroes" helped me lots.
There is a huge rush of adrenaline in your body, messing with everything, especially if the abuse was prolonged and emotional/subtle. It takes time for the body to bounce back, and sometimes we need therapy for that, as you are already doing.
Your self-care regimen is excellent, and you work so hard on recovering and healing. Give yourself credit for that.
My ex would always say I didn't understand them. I disappointed them. I didn't listen. I did so many things wrong. Even though I tried to do things right and please them, made makes as everyone does, but nothing major. The things my ex would accuse me of, and say I was or wasn't doing were so crazy and baffling, unreasonable, I was always made to feel like I just didn't listen and that I wasn't a good girlfriend. I know i was abused. I was always told I was selfish and the one who was a narcissist and emotionally abuse. I feel so confused all the time, was it me, was it them, was this just normal, or a case of two people clashing? I almost died. I was seriously mentally and physically hurt. Silent treatment. Discarding. It's easy healing from the physical abuse. Did I do this or make my ex this way?