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Post by polarone on Oct 28, 2017 9:50:46 GMT
I've stayed no contact now for two months. Despite my ex showing up around the village where I live with another woman. All the stories I've heard from no contact are when the abuser tries to get you back, which my ex did, but I walked away, and then foolishly contacted thenm again, despite trying to kill me, despite all the emotional and verbal abuse towards me and my daughter. I'm trying to make sense of why I went back. At times I would beg them to take me back, even when they had done wrong. Did anyone else do this?
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 28, 2017 12:06:04 GMT
Yes, many people do it and multiple times. I think the statistic is back and forth at least 7 times.
And we do it or have done it because basically our brain is "addicted" to this person. We have become addicted just like one would become addicted to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, sugar. We get attached, we also believe through societal influence that if we forgive and just love someone enough, they will change. They promise to change, they show remorse, they apologize, they believe that is all they have to do and everything will be better. It is like a cigarette telling you.."Smoke me, I won't hurt you, in fact I will make you feel great, I will take the edge off, just have one, it won't hurt". And then you are hooked and you will struggle to break away when it hurts you again. Why will it hurt you again and again? Because the "cigarette" has no reason to change, it doesn't feel it is doing anything wrong. Replace the cigarette with your partner. You also will know that that "cigarette" is terribly bad for you, and it will be wonderful for a short period of time and then it will feel bad and you know it is harming you, yet you keep on trying.
Our brains work funny like that. We get attached. We get conditioned to keep going to what we know, even if what we know is detrimental to our well-being. We also get attention from the abuser..even though it is negative attention. AND they are INCREDIBLY SKILLFUL at making the GOOD TIMES SO GOOD..that the bad times appear "ok".
We want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we are afraid of being alone as human beings go. And there are many times when we are willing to stay in a horrible situation instead of being alone. Abusers are Sociopaths, they are Narcissists, all personality disorders. Many of them are paranoid, insecure, controlling, manipulative, and it is all focused on THEM. THERE IS NOTHING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT IS ABOUT YOU..the ABUSER is the ONLY PERSON WHO IS IMPORTANT..to them.
Please, I urge you to read the books. It honestly will help you understand this person you fell in love with. AND why you do what you do. We are also taught in today's world, to love someone despite their flaws, to love unconditionally, to commit fully, to not break a promise, to keep trying to get it right. No WHERE in any teaching does it say that we have to accept abuse. All of this together is why we go back, why we trust, and why we keep trying to make it work.
You change your brain, your thinking, your way of seeing things and you will change that desire to want to go back, to want to have contact, to want to be with that person. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE your brain chemistry and how it sees things.
Reading the books..it will give you insights and help you to begin to learn "Why They DO THAT?" thus the title of the book. AND why you/we respond the way we do.
I went back to my ex 1 week after he kicked me out of his house. He promised to love me forever, he promised to look at "rings" with me as soon as my house sold, he apologized, he told me he missed me. I saw him for another date a week later, he treated me terribly on that date, acted bored, could have cared less if I was there, didn't like the restaurant we went to because I chose it not him, was not affectionate, and basically fell asleep while we were watching a movie he told me to choose and never even cared if I was there or not. That was the last time I saw him. And I have basically despised him ever since. He then abused me via texting and e-mails over the next few months as he got a new girlfriend literally 3 weeks after our last date. He was very "sweet" on Valentines Day, wanting to get back together. Said he had changed, told me he would always love me, then when he almost had me even considering it..he dropped me like a hot potato and I was ENRAGED at him. He had messed with my head AGAIN. And 3 weeks later..he was engaged to the new girlfriend. I tried to warn her AGAIN and more abuse from him..nasty. They have been married over 2 years and I honestly won't believe that they are happy. I know he is abusing her..he abused me and his wife before me. There is no way he isn't.
So why did I go back? I was stuck on him, I was addicted, I loved him with my whole heart and I was vulnerable, so wanting to be loved. I thought, if I just keep trying, he will love me. I will be enough. NOT.
2 years later and I still have him always in the back of my head. I could contact him if I wanted to,,but I never will. And just like an alcoholic has to fight everyday not to take a sip of alcohol, (as it will trigger the brain into wanting and craving it again, and it will be detrimental that alcoholic),,,I will always fight to never have contact with my ex. And we tell ourselves..it is easier to go back and deal with the abuse, than to cope with the misery of being alone. The pain of leaving is very hurtful and sometimes we tell ourselves, it was easier when I was being abused. I can now say..no it wasn't. I wouldn't go back to either of my exes for all the money in the world.
The key is, to learn and believe that if you have contact..you will be ABUSED and it will be worse than it was. It is a struggle for many victims/ survivors to learn to break that cycle of thinking that I would be better off with them and abused, than alone. BUT once you conquer that struggle...life is good...life is SOOO GOOOD!
My exes are detrimental to my well being. Alcohol is detrimental to the alcoholic. I choose no contact. I choose healthiness, happiness, and freedom to be me.
I will never go back.
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Post by polarone on Oct 28, 2017 12:41:08 GMT
I won't go back. Never. I've been reading the book. I tried to give my ex another chance, if she got help, but when we met, I was determined not to fall straight back into a relationship and show her that I wasn't hers to control anymore. So we met in a public place and my friends were there, I was there to do a poetry reading from my book and she had said she wanted to come to support me. I was polite but I did not make it all about her, I said hello to her, asked how she was, then continued to talk to my friends, even though I had been kind to her in the days before we met after she apologised, had even sent her a gift in the post to congratulate her on her new job, she simply got up and left me there at the event without an explanation, which turned out to be that she thought I was cold and treated her badly. I was not going to let myself be all over her or let her think she could apologise and that my world would begin to revolve around her once again, she had abused me badly and I had moved on, or tried to, just so that she could come back months later and mess with my head.I was determined not to let her get to me and if I was ever going to let her back in it would be after she had got help. I went back again but she refused to speak to me, because of how I had treated her when we met at my reading. It's left me feeling like I am the sociopath, the abuser... I know i did not abuse her. I know that I deserved so much better than the violence and the names I was called. She wanted to control me when we met and I didn't let her and she did not like it. But it's still left me feeling guilty, like I should have been kinder to her when we met up, or given her more attention as she may have genuinely been sorry.
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Post by polarone on Oct 28, 2017 12:44:08 GMT
Did I come across the way your ex did when you met? Bored, uninterested and cold? Am I the sociopath? My ex only cared that I didn't tell anyone what she has done to me. I feel like I'm going crazy.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 28, 2017 13:04:05 GMT
Hey Polarone..no I don't think you came across that way. I think you set a limit, or a boundary. AND you stuck to it. My ex was very abusive, it was his way of punishing me for not doing what he wanted. He knew I would go away if he ignored me or was nasty, so he was.
Yes, we feel guilty sometimes. Those feelings will fade over time. The more you learn about their manipulative behavior the more it will make sense and the less you will feel guilty. I feel nothing for my ex at this point except annoyance at myself for even thinking about him. I don't feel guilty. I DID..for a while, a long while.
The act of her "refusing to speak to you"..that is punishment. It is saying "You did this to me so I am going to get back at you and hurt you". The key is also they are not "Genuinely sorry".. they are not genuine at all. The motivation behind what they do is the PROBLEM. THAT is what causes the abuse..
She believes that in order to get what she wants, she has the right to treat you badly. She has the right and you deserve to be punished for what she perceives to be mistreatment. IT IS NOT MISTREATMENT..your motivation is to set a limit, your motivation is to be kind, to not hurt anyone on purpose, but to protect yourself from being hurt. HER MOTIVATION is to GET WHAT SHE WANTS..it is not about being nice to you, or being kind, IT is about "This is your special event and she ruins it for you, but making it about her". THAT IS ABUSE..that is saying "what you are doing is not important to her, because she is only looking at herself..not at you". If you love someone..shouldn't it be about them?
If her motivation was to support you? She would have been patient, she would have been happy for you, she would have then let you be because that is what you needed. INSTEAD..it became about her wants, her needs, and not you at all. THAT IS THE SOCIOPATH..not you. SHE DIDN"T SUPPORT YOU. ANd..if she believes she supported you? She did it so she would get something in return..your attention. AND when she didn't get that? She got pissed and decided you deserved to be punished so she left. Then she ignored you by refusing to speak to you.
AGAIN..this is ABUSE..this was not about you and it should have been about you because it was special for YOU! She couldn;t stand to see you successful and happy so she ruined it for you. Because if she is miserable, then you should be too is how she thinks.
I wouldn't send her anymore gifts, I wouldn't contact her at all. She won't get help because to her, you are the one with the problem not her. She didn't do anything wrong. If she apologizes? It will be because she wants something, not because it is the decent thing to do to be kind to someone you claim you care about.
What you did is so so so good for your health and well-being. You set a limit, you stuck to it. You did not fall under her trap. And believe me,,she tried. She really tried to be abusive and she was. And you took her power away...that is all good.
Try not to feel guilty. Your guilty feeling is a conditioned response. Your brain has done this so many times, that it is automatic. You have to tell yourself to feel something different, like acceptance. That is who she is and she is predictable. Feel that instead of guilt and everytime she pull this on you (if you let her) your brain will start to feel acceptance instead of guilt.
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Post by polarone on Oct 28, 2017 13:15:58 GMT
Yes she was never happy for my success, at every event I had she would stage an argument before, be violent, or not come, and when she did come she would make me feel uncomfortable and afterwards either insult me or accuse me of crazy things and call me names. Then other times she was so supportive. I was happy to see her. I just had not seen her in months, as she refused to speak to me, and when she was there not only did I have boundaries, but I felt uncomfortable and had a panic attack, which I tried to hide. She said I was rude and she would never have treated me that way. I said hello to her and made small talk. But that was all. I felt like hugging her, kissing her, but knew I should not do that, as I didn't want her to think I had forgiven and forgotten everything she did. But she made me feel awful and after then, it was me begging for her forgiveness. During our relationship she Would always do this...ignore me for weeks and months on end and listen to voicemails and receive begging letters from me, until I would stop, move on, and then she would come back. She said she wanted to support me at the event but she left, I felt so upset and then had to stand up in front of a crowd to read. I wish I had never met her I will not send her any more gifts. I only sent them after she got back in touch to tell me how sorry she was and that she would change. Only for her to leave me again. I will continue to read these books, just keep telling myself my situation was different, that there was just a really messed up and vulnerable girl that I hurt by being aloof at the start, or making her jealous... And that it's my fault somehow... I paid every day of our four year relationship for mistakes I made in the first months of knowing her.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Oct 29, 2017 12:34:13 GMT
Hi Polar..your ex partner is abusive, very abusive, more than messed up. I know you blame yourself, also another way we get "conditioned". When you or I or anyone is told over and over and over again that we are the problem, that it is our fault, that you made her be the way she is..we start to believe it. We take it into our heart and head and it never comes out until we purposely change it.
You did not mess her up.
We also have to change our "self-talk".
I am sure you paid every day for your mistakes. That alone is ABUSE. It is not forgiveness, it is not someone who is loving and kind, it is abuse. It is wrong, on so many levels. Ad victims or just as partners in a relationship, we make mistakes. None of us are perfect. BUT the difference is we aren't malicious, we don't do it on purpose to hurt someone, we are not manipulative, we are not cruel.
Everything she says and does EVERYTHING..is all about her. She was this way before you and she will be again. The very fact that she has moved on so fast..what does that tell you? That all that she said to you she meant?
As victims/survivors, we come to a point at some time, that we start to really see what this person is..and it hurts. There is no way around it. When I realized that my ex-husband of 26 years really didn't love me..at least not the kind of love I believe in? It was devastating. How in the world could I have been so wrong about someone? But all the pieces began to fit. It all started to make sense.
I have many many friends who support me, who tell me I am a caring, nice, kind person. AND yet the ONE person that I gave my whole heart to..all he could do is say the opposite?? Why? BECAUSE it is all about HIM..he is abusive. He didn't love me for me..he loved me for what I could do for him, for what I could give him, and for how I could take care of him.
Your ex partner? Yes, she is messed up, and yes she is abusive, and yes I am sure mistakes are made on both sides of a relationship. BUT paying for them everyday for four years? That is wrong, that is not love, that is getting revenge. That is punishing and that is abuse.
She ruined all the important successes in your life because you focused on someone else other than her. I am so glad you are away from her Polar..you deserve so much better.
It will be ok. One day at a time. Those feelings you have, they come and then let them go. Hanging on to them will continue to hurt you. Don't give her anymore power to hurt you.
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Post by polarone on Oct 31, 2017 19:07:30 GMT
I just keep replaying all the good times, I can't let myself believe the person who was so kind could be so horrible, and which was the real person. She always said it was me who brought that behaviour out of her and that she'd never behaved that way with any of her exes, even though she would never talk about them. I hope she doesn't treat her next girlfriend the way she treated me.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 2, 2017 1:41:56 GMT
I know you keep replaying all the good times..that makes sense. All the "good times" I had with my ex-boyfriend (the one just before my separation from my husband..I was already working towards leaving when I met him), they truly appear to be wonderful memories. BUT, when I REALLY look, and I mean REALLY look at those good times? I see a lot of stuff there that was not as good as I wanted it to be. AND believe me..I truly wanted it to be wonderful and romantic and I was on top of the world.
Here is an example..he would take me out to restaurants..wine me and dine me, the place had music and gourmet food and a lovely atmosphere. ANY girl would have been feeling so lucky and excited to have such a great, handsome guy take her out. BUT..we only went when he wanted to, we stayed until he was ready to go home, if I suggested another restaurant..he talked me out of it and we ended up at the place he liked. I would suggest another place on a night when he didn't suggest it first. We met at the restaurant after we both worked, he was always late when I suggested it, one time he completely ignored me the whole time we were there, playing on his phone, reading, or on FB. Then he got angry with me because I asked him to talk and put his phone away. He then picked an argument with me, and I got so upset I left the restaurant in tears and went home. The home he and I shared at the time. I didn't really eat and he didn't really care. When we went out on nights that HE CHOSE..to a place HE CHOSE..he was "wonderful"..no phone, no argument, very nice. ANY time I suggested something or wanted to do something, he always found a way to talk me into doing what he wanted. This worked on a weekend getaway..he did the same thing. It always had to be about when he wanted to do something, if he wanted to and if I did..he would make it miserable for me to the point of us going home early.
The VERY fact that she blames you for HER behavior is a classic behavior of an ABUSER. You brought this out in her??? No you didn't. AND I would bet you all the money in the world she treated her exes the same way if not worse. THE FACT that she didn't talk about them?? ANOTHER very classic tactic. Neither of my exes would talk about their past relationships except all their past relationships the women were horrible. If I brought up the discussion..they got bored or would find something else to talk about. ABUSERS start pretty early on and it is a learned behavior. YOU didn't cause her to be abusive and YES..she will abuse the next person. BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO in order for her to feel good about herself and the relationship.
THEY MOVE ON VERY QUICKLY..another classic tactic of ABUSERS. REMEMBER..it is all about THEM. If they have no one to abuse, then they are not having their needs met. You will be replaced. I think you said she has another partner already. It doesn't take long. I suspect my ex boyfriend was already looking for someone before he kicked me out of his house as punishment. He was with his next victim literally in 4 weeks. I won't believe that he isn't abusing her. HE has abused me, his 2nd wife-the one before me and I suspect his first wife and the girl he lived with in between. He flaunted his new girlfriend all over FB. He would never post anything of him and I on FB..yet he plastered his page with her. It is a tactic. AND IT is very PREDICTABLE.
I know it is so hard to believe. You may have to let yourself start to believe it so you can move forward with your life. To begin to heal, you may need to really see her for who she really is. AN ABUSER. SHE did it all on PURPOSE. Blaming you is what she wants you to do. IT IS EXACTLY what she wants. DON"T GIVE HER ANYMORE POWER.
Keep reading "Why Does He Do That?" When you begin to see her on the pages of that book..then you will start to heal. It is a really hard thing to realize..I know, it took me a while to do that. BUT..it was what I had to do in order to heal. I had to face reality.
Reality is that he was ABUSIVE and he meant every abusive thing he did. I have taken my "rose colored" glasses off. He didn't love me. HE LOVED WHAT I COULD DO FOR HIM. Big difference.
K
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Post by polarone on Nov 4, 2017 22:00:06 GMT
I just feel floored with regret and sadness. My ex was abused as a child and never dealt with what she went through, I can't comprehend what she went through, thinking she couldn't help how she behaved, that she was deeply troubled and that I shouldve helped her, tried to understand her more. Will she get help in the future, and give someone else all the good things she gave me without the abuse?
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 5, 2017 14:21:59 GMT
Oh yeah, I went back to see my abusive ex even though he had 'joked' about 'choking me until I am dead.' Why did I go back, several times?
Because I was traumatized. It is called 'traumatic bonding' or 'Stockholm Syndrome'.
It is not your fault.
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janine
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Post by janine on Nov 5, 2017 14:25:12 GMT
And no. She will NOT suddenly be the perfect golden one that got away and give someone else all of the good things minus the abuse. Abusers do not change.
IF they change, research suggests ONLY after voluntarily doing intensive therapy alone for a long time (minimum of 6-12 months) and admitting without blame they are at fault and they need to change.
The thought that 'if only.... then....' is very normal and common for people who experienced DV. If only...I could love him enough....give him more time and energy...then...we will be forever be so very happy."
It's a lie and a fantasy. She will never not be abusive.
It's the hardest thing I had to learn in life, because my feelings were all over the place back then. It's a shit rollercoaster to be on.
Because you love and miss a person who NEVER existed in the first place. Sociopaths/abusers are all talented masters of manipulation and playing a role to get you into their field of control.
It's not your fault. She will never change and despite what you may or may not see on Facebook in the future, she will abuse her next victim eventually as well.
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Post by polarone on Nov 5, 2017 20:57:08 GMT
Thanks for responding. She sounded so sincere with her apology and helpless, I wish I hadn't got sucked back in
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 5, 2017 22:09:21 GMT
They are incredibly skilled at sounding sincere. It is what hooks us in the first place. My ex was incredibly charming, wined and dined me. Gave me gifts, told me I was beautiful, loved me before he even MET me. How incredible is that? To love someone without even seeing them??? This guy started out as a fairy tale that turned into a nightmare.
AND I know he did the same thing to his now wife. He is slick. They know how to "play" their victims. My ex-husband plays the "victim" role incredibly well, something I believe he has been doing since he was a young boy. He got family to give him a car, a place to live, rides every where and they all feel so "sorry" for him. You wouldn't believe the stuff he got me to do.
Even if you feel like you got "sucked" back in..it is OK. Every day is a new opportunity to start fresh. To perhaps feel sad or bad, and then to let it go and start going forward again. We just keep going forward and that is soo good!
Polarone, you are doing great! Keep going forward. "Trust Your Journey"..trust that the path you on are takes you to the happiness you seek and away from the sadness and hurt you want to leave behind!
Onward..one step at a time, one day at a time!
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