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Post by Guest1990 on Oct 12, 2017 16:07:31 GMT
This is the first time i'v ever used a service like this and apologies in advance if this is not the right thing to do. I've seen many stories on here and it feels like mine fades into insignificance but i dont know what else to do.
I am a 28 year old male, i have 2 children from another relationship.
I have no idea what is happening right now, i just know that i dont feel like myself and i'm questioning EVERY decision I have ever made.
I have been with my current partner for 2 years now, the only way i can try explain this is to list out things that are continually happening in our relationship:
- I'm never right, even when its only my opinion i cant express it without it causing a row
- I'm finding myself staring into the ceiling because i'm worried if i do something it wont be what is expected
- I ignore phone calls from my friends when i'm with her because i'm scared to be the man my friends know
- I have to explain everything i chose to do. i.e. when she is at work and i'm home she wants to know
- I'm being accused of doing things that i haven't done and when i explain i haven't done anything i'm told im a liar.
- When I try defend myself to any of the above, i'm sent to my mothers to stay there but when i go i'm told i walked out on her when she needs me
- My past is an issue constantly, the fact i have had children and being married (yes i was young and it didn't work out) i'v been separated and now divorced from my ex for 3years but im made to feel i shouldn't have
- She loves my kids but in an argument she will call my kids names and tell me i'm a bad dad, that me and my ex dont deserve to have kids
- She still refers to her ex partners to her friends, i'm reminded of who she has been with, where they went on holidays, where they had sex, even down to their bathroom habits! (this is not constant and it comes across innocent but i cant even mention my ex sending me a text to ask about the kids)
- I'm made to feel like there will be consequences, and they are justified consequences to her, if i try to do things on my own like family events (which she can attend but doesn't)
- That I'm not intimate with her enough (this is simply because of how she has made me feel lately, i find her attractive but i so fed up of walking on eggshells and having to think about everything i say and do before i do it)
There are SO MANY MORE examples and additional contributing factors to this post. I will say i do have a past (who doesn't?) but i was honest about it all when we met. the kids, the marriage, the reasons why it didn't work.
I dont know if what i am doing is wrong or right, i treat her right in my eyes and make sure we do things together, some of which some people can only dream of doing! I work hard, i support my kids and i sacrifice my entertainment, my pleasures and friends to benefit her, for her, and it is NEVER good enough.
I'm always told I am un-supportive, that I "dont get it" or dont understand and made to feel like a failure.
Is this abuse or am i just overthinking things? My friends see a difference and so do my family, i'm not the fun guy they expect to see anymore.
Thank you for reading this, i am just a little lost right now.
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Post by polarone on Oct 12, 2017 19:50:30 GMT
I can totally relate to you changing around your friends, walking on eggshells, feeling like nothing you do is right and the double standards of what is OK for her and not for you.
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Post by sarah on Oct 13, 2017 2:03:28 GMT
Hello Guest1990..YES..This is abuse..controlling..emotional..psychological and verbal..And it is affecting you and you know it is hence why you are here..I personally would just say to you to get out of that relationship now but I for one know that it's easier said than done.But you need help and support,so my advice is to call a Domestic Abuse number..they help men as well so don't feel like that will be a barrier.They will advice/guide you in the right direction.
My question to you is-as a father,how far are you prepared to let her go treating you this way?Calling your kids names and punishing you for your past decisions is so wrong..where would you draw the line for this abusive woman?..Losing your identity..freedom..rights..and mind so far..only you know deep down inside what you should do..
I'm so sorry you're going through this but she sounds so Narcissistic that your hopes of her changing for the better anytime soon is non-existent.She IS ABUSING you.Please educate yourself on abuse..it will make sense to you and answer any queries you have but only you can make the decision on what you should do next then you can begin to heal..Please keep us updated.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Oct 15, 2017 19:44:47 GMT
Hi Guest1990, welcome here! I suspect your partner is ABUSING you. I agree with Sarah and recommend calling a National Hotline for Domestic Abuse and talk to a counselor. You can remain Anonymous and share your story there as well. They will give you information and validate what you are saying. We an help you too.
Your inner voice, your gut, is telling you this relationship is not right. SHE is not right. THIS is not your fault, you are not making her be this way. I suspect this is not new for her, she has probably been abusive to others in her life. You feel like you are walking on "eggshells" and it is because you are. You are not overthinking anything. What she is doing to you is very real, and very detrimental to you.
Sadly, she is not going to change. She sees no reason to change. She truly believes that she is right in her thinking and she is treating you the way she believes you need to be treated in order for her to feel good about herself.
Lundy Bancroft wrote "Why Does He Do That?" It is about angry and abusive men. It applies to women who are abusive as well. There is also a book out there called "Should I Stay or Should I Go"? also by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you some guidance about what is going on in your relationship and help you to decide what to do next.
This isn't easy. It hurts and it basically stinks in many ways. For many who have been there, the only thing that works the best is to leave. You cannot change her. You can only decide how you want to cope with what she is doing. There will be some really good, happy moments that will make you think you are the "crazy" one, then the abuse will happen again, she will be remorseful, sweet, kind and loving..honeymoon phase, then the tension will build and it will cycle around again. It is the "Cycle of Violence" and it follows a pattern. You may look back at your relationship and see that this cycle has happened several times already.
I had a an ex-boyfriend who did this to me every 3-4 weeks. I had an ex-husband who also was cyclical. Let us know how we can help you. No one here will judge you. Most people on this forum know what you are going through. I can tell you, that you are in an abusive relationship, it is not your fault by any means and there are ways to stop the abuse and begin to heal.
We are here.
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Post by Guest1990 on Oct 16, 2017 9:25:51 GMT
Thank you for your replies, the hardest thing i have done is actually read those responses from you all and pick out that all of you can see it without even being there to witness it.
I wish i could film my life and play it back to you so you can see how pathetic I have become in terms of pussy footing around, wondering waiting to be told what to do rather than just do what i want instead. The fear of doing something wrong outweighs the enjoyment i get from doing what i want, putting my feet up, having a game on the Playstation, having a bath and a bit of a soak ext.
The past few days have been the "good days" but she has had a lot on and needed support which has been there from me, but i still wait for that cycle to come back around and the bad times again. I would give ANYTHING for a quiet life, but walking away from someone who clearly needs help too, who cannot see the wrongs in what they do isn't in my nature, i cant do that and accept i just gave up when i know she cares about me dearly, she just cant control her thoughts and she blows.
There are other factors that play a part, and always 2 sides to any story but i am confident that if her side was to be said, it still would not justify her being the way she is and causing the hurt she does to me when all i try to do is make her happy.
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Post by polarone on Oct 16, 2017 17:40:00 GMT
I made all these excuses too, mostly that my ex couldn't help it, she loved me, she had problems, I couldn't walk away from someone who was deeply troubled and needed help... Even though I knew she didn't care about me one bit to do the things she was doing and she was intelligent enough to get help herself and know what she was doing was wrong. It's easier said than done to leave and took me four years of being treated like shit and spoken to like dirt and being blamed for everything and even then I felt guilty and went back.
What amazes me is how similar all our stories are and how there seems to be two sets of people.. Them and us. Life is short and I've realised I need to put myself first, as my ex always did with herself. If you can't find a respectful balance between two people's needs in a relationship then it really isn't a relationship :/ I felt like a carer most of the time. Hope you can put yourself first too.
I still go from feeling happy and free to feeling guilt ridden and responsible
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 18, 2017 1:59:47 GMT
Hi Guest.. a few things you say stand out to me... First..I don't think you are pathetic..you have been traumatized by a person who says they love you, then turns and treats you horribly. It literally changes our brains..it is emotional abuse and if you didn't fear retaliation, or an outburst, or being lashed out at..you would do what you want. You have been conditioned to respond the way you are responding. It is pure human behavior to react the way you are.
Second..you cannot and I repeat..CANNOT change this person. YES..she needs help. YOU CANNOT BE THE ONE TO HELP HER..ABUSERS rarely change. It is less than 1% chance. She will not change. PERIOD. You want to fix that which will not be fixed. She does not believe that she has a problem. She may say she does..but she does not believe it. YOU ALSO cannot MAKE HER BE HAPPY..I promise you, you can spend your WHOLE LIFE turning yourself upside down and you will never make her happy. She is ABUSVE..no matter what you do it will be wrong.
She CAN AND IS controlling her thoughts and actions. She knows exactly what she is doing and if you were not there for her to abuse, control, or manipulate..I am sorry to say there would be someone else. SHE TRULY BELIEVES SHE IS JUSTIFIED in all she does.
I know you care..but the BEST THING YOU CAN DO..is WALK AWAY. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE OR GET BETTER unless you do. NOTHING.
I suggest you read a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It really will help you see what she is doing to you and why. It is purposeful. AND..until you are willing to consider the fact that she is abusive and doing this on purpose, it will continue.
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Post by sarah on Oct 19, 2017 2:53:32 GMT
I second what Karen has said because I was going to say exactly the same thing.
Please don't call or think yourself pathetic..you are so not.
You definitely cannot change or fix her.We here have all been there and tried that.It does'nt and will not work.You need to fix you.Like Karen said,until you come to terms with what's really going on you will not be able to move forward.
Get that book..it literally can be a lifesaver.
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Post by Guest1990 on Oct 20, 2017 11:21:00 GMT
I will look into the book thank you...Being "conditioned" and made to respond in certain ways really hit me then, i do reply to a question but not before running through 1000 different outcomes first in what feels like forever but is literally seconds to ensure what i do say doesn't trigger a negative reply.
Some days are amazing, loving, comforting, cuddled up on the sofa with a film and its fantastic, then a day or 2 later its the polar opposite and every nice moment we have and her loving me and telling me she loves me and she needs me, goes out of the window and is forgotten and i'm a b*****d again.
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Post by Been There on Dec 8, 2017 21:30:48 GMT
Reading what you say about her I'm wondering if she could be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder - she needs, needs, needs you and is mushy and loving as long as you do her bidding, but is extremely super suspicious of you, and if you don't do what she wants she kicks you out and then immediately cries that you've abandoned her when she "needed" you most. It's all about excessive need due to abandonment issues during childhood. She probably had a traumatic childhood with important people not being there for her during her formative years, as I believe that borderlines are created, not born. IF this is the case, her problems are beyond what you can handle. She needs massive amounts of counseling and probably meds - and even that will probably not help much. I hate to say it, but if you want to remain with her she will destroy you, unless you insist that she get serious therapy, and join a local psychiatric mental health organization - like an outpatient psych rehab. And be firm - she won't want to do anything because she won't believe that anything is wrong with her. You may actually have to leave permanently to get her to go to therapy, but if my hunch is correct, this is a serious mental illness that needs to be addressed!
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