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Post by iduna on Sept 9, 2017 21:03:26 GMT
Should have been a big celebration but 6 weeks ago a switch flipped inside me, as he slapped my face then told me how he loved and adored me, I decided I was going and I went. Now I am sleeping in my grand-daughter's bedroom (she's 6years old) all I took with me in bin liners under the bed but I am safe and starting again. Oh the anniversary he decided to celebrate by calling to tell me he was destroying all our photo's. 40 odd years worth of them, all the baby pictures of our children he was destroying and for good measure, he had thrown the clock that was my mother's in a sink full of water. How/why did I give this malicious creep 40 years, my entire adult life, how did it take me this long to discover that no-one could ever make him happy, or at least I couldn't. Now I am 60 years old, homeless and get this, my son told me today that I was selfish for leaving and not caring about Dad, that it was my own fault I had nothing. If it was not for my wonderful daughter and son-in-law I think I might just jump off a bridge and be done with it. Tomorrow the police are going to escort me to get the rest of my stuff, he won't like that, the Hidden Hurt and Silence references are so appropriate, I have hidden so much over the years, smoothed things over and hidden things from family and friends preferring people think I was stand offish rather than admit what was going on. Not anymore, none of this was my fault, he is a malicious bully and I am going to tell the world what he is, I did my best it was not my failing. Yesterday, I actually identified the pattern - you see I reacted to what he was saying never taking the time the step back to look at why. I told him that I could not speak to him on Friday because I had a meeting in the morning and would be busy with the grand children in the afternoon so I would call him in the evening. So he called me from 8am right through to 7pm when I handed the kids back to my daughter, 38 phone calls. When I called him he immediately went into a shouting fit which lasted 7minutes and 30 seconds, I just put the phone on the table and answered my emails, didn't really listen. When he had finished, he calmed and started saying he thought he was suffering from anxiety and he was sorry he couldn't help it. It was then that I realised, had I actually been with him, I could not have sat there listening to that for 7 mins + I would have had reacted or said something and that would have escalated into him losing the plot and hitting me. Nothing had changed, he hadn't changed, despite all he had said about changing, the begging me to come back etc. he did not have control of me that day, could not speak to me as I would not answer the phone so he reverted to the shouting bully he actually is. Now today, because I told him I had identified that and nothing had changed and I would not go back to spend our anniversary together (Yes! he actually believed that was a possibility) he destroyed the photos and other stuff. So that's where I am, I don't know what I am going to do for housing, no one wants to help me, I've called all the agencies and filled in loads of forms but got no help from anyone really. But I am convinced something will turn up somehow, I will not go back even if I end up on the streets I will never go back. I am so glad this forum is here, like most victims I have been isolated, have no friends, my parents are gone and I have no one to really talk to, so I will probably be writing a lot and would really appreciate someone talking back to me. Here's hoping there is someone out there who has been where I am and can tell me there is hope, I will get somewhere.
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Post by sarah on Sept 10, 2017 3:20:04 GMT
Hello there Iduna..Firstly,I am so sorry that you're going through this right now..40 years is a very long time to have dealt with this..I believe whether it's 40 days,weeks,months or years,there is always that point where it's the last straw that broke the camels back so to speak and this is it for you right now..I'm sure you have good memories too but my god,after reading this you sure sound so strong and determined.Well done you for realising/seeing what he is and doing and more importantly knowing that it is not your fault and having the courage to walk away and stay away..and no longer giving him the reaction he wants.It's sad that they have to stoop so low to destroy the treasured possessions but as you will be aware,this is what they do because it means something to you and is part of their "punishment".If nothing can be salvaged at least you have your memories..no one can take that away from you.I'm sorry you're Son is not supportive right now..but as you've said you've hidden a lot so he can't see/understand the truth right now.Hopefully in time..But the most important thing right now is YOU.You are definitely not alone..you have support on here..Have you tried speaking to a Domestic Abuse Hotline?They give support and can help with housing issues.It's great that you have a roof over your head at the moment though..being on the streets is the last thing you need and it shouldn't come to that.You seem very much in control of your situation at the moment..when you have collected all the items you need I suggest you go no contact after.I didn't want to read and
run but stay strong and please let us know how you got on and remember you have support here.x
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Sept 10, 2017 23:23:54 GMT
Hello Iduna..welcome! So very sorry your husband has turned out to be an Abuser. I suspect as you said, he has been this way since early after you two got together. The pattern of behavior you are describing is very typical of a Narcissist/ABUSIVE person.
Very glad you have made the best choice for you and left. It angers me that he is destroying your memories so to speak. He is trying to hurt you, but sadly, I am not surprised. My ex-husband had the potential to destroy whatever he wanted. My attorney warned me to protect those things that I did not want destroyed. He is a very lazy individual, so screaming at me was easier than destroying everything. I am very glad you will have a police escort to get your things. If he is there, don't be surprised if he acts surprised that you brought the police. He will probably be he sweetest person on earth and act like this is all YOUR misunderstanding of what is going on. Going forward, he will continue to be a jerk. One minute he will be nice and remorseful and want to lure you back, and when you resist or refuse, he will turn on a heartbeat and probably lash out at you like he did already. It is very predictable. He may try and get your children to side with him. Your son's reaction..yes, he doesn't understand, or he really does understand and he thinks your husband is justified in his behavior. Hopefully, your son does not treat women the same way.
If you have a local Domestic Violence Center, contacting them would be a good thing. They also have legal advice, they sometimes can help with shelter, and lots of counselling and support is available.
None of this is easy. NONE of this was your fault as you said. Let it sink in. NONE was your fault. You have upset your husband's "apple cart". He doesn't like it because you have gone along with his crap for 40 years. When I left my now ex-husband after being with him for 26 years total..he was pissed! He thought I was bluffing, he made me miserable throughout the time we had to separate before the divorce. He made every single step of it frustrating. AND in the end..I got what I wanted. MY FREEDOM..my happiness, and really good relationships with my 2 daughters. They didn't support me initially, they are now though (3 years later) seeing his behaviors as abusive. I have my own home, I have all of my belongings that I came into the marriage with, I have a great job, I have a new guy in my life, and I continue to heal and go forward everyday.
Has it been easy? Heck no. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. BUT the more I educated myself on Domestic Violence and I started to talk to friends who had also hidden their experiences..the more I found how prevalent this kind of behavior is. It happens to 1 out of 3 women. THERE is a HUGE chance you know someone who has been through something similar.
We are here to help you Iduna in any way possible. This forum "saved" me. I needed support and I needed to talk out my life and I found a great counselor at my local DV center. I am going in the right direction. AND everyday, I continue to live my life in the way that I WANT to..no one else will ever dictate how I live my life again. NO ONE. Especially someone who claims to "love" me.
Post here as often as you need. No judging, no one will tell you what to do, no one will say "I told you so". Just support, from many women and some men, who have walked in similar shoes to yours.
Let us know how things are going!
Karen
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Post by iduna on Sept 11, 2017 12:15:48 GMT
Thank you both so much for your kind word, it helps so much to know that you have made it out the othe  r side. I was so angry on Saturday but sort of run out of steam today. He was predictably sorry on Sunday and today he called to start his campaign all over again. I really have to fight against wanting to 'fix' him, on Sunday he said "please come back and help me, I want to change, I never want to hurt you". I now know that I can't help him, 40 years of failing to help him has proved that but he says that if I tackle things differently then I won't annoy him etc etc. Now being free to read as much as I can about abuse, I am beginning to think there is a secret training course somewhere otherwise how do they all come out with the same excuses, phrases, blame tactics etc etc. And I have found I too had become a stereotype too, wanting to fix and appease doing anything to keep the peace. Having found the courage to go, I am now just angry and not really able to think of helping anybody. I am also wondering if it was a kind on weird vanity on my part, thinking that perhaps I could fix him? any thoughts anyone? Anyway, I have to focus on the important things, I need a home, a new life, try to get a job my health is not great but I am determined to get at least something part time. We have a huge amount of stuff in storage, we moved out of our family home and had a small place refurbished. But we never did get around to sorting out the storage and now I have nowhere to actually do it. I am tempted to just take out what I want and leave the rest, it would be a dreadful waste of money though and I am having trouble making decisions so any suggestions on that front would also be appreciated. With regard to my son, I am leaving that alone for now but sadly Karen, I think you might be right, I have three ex daughter in laws who kind of hinted about his controlling behaviour. I cannot cope at the moment with the thought that if I had left his father sooner or am I falling into that trap of making myself responsible for everything and everyone again. Thank you again for listening |
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Post by sarah on Sept 12, 2017 1:58:41 GMT
Hello again Iduna..I think all of us here that have experience in an abusive relationship has tried to "fix,"change" our partners one way or another ..We love our partners and we naturally want to care and nurture them and make things better...It took me 11 attempts of trying to fix my relationship to finally realise that no one can fix or change what's going on but himself..They say all the right things..might even go to appointments but it doesn't last long..not when their behaviour has benefited them for so long.. We do become blinded in a way by not seeing what's truly going on as it can be very subtle or we end up in denial too and it doesn't become obvious until later on so that's like a habit we develop too until we realise..I'm glad you've realised that you can't fix him..it smells of emotional blackmail..Concentrate on your own wellbeing.
I don't know what to suggest about the stuff in storage..could you sell it?
Remember..none of this is your fault..so try not to feel guilty about your Son and the timing..You didn't know what was going to happen.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 13, 2017 1:36:43 GMT
Hi Iduna..as Sarah said..many of us have tried to "fix" something in our dysfunctional abusive relationships. Whether it be the relationship, or our abusers, or ourselves. Like you..I worked really hard at making my marriage work. I was working way harder than my ex-husband and I had the stress and anxiety and some health issues as a result to prove it. We just have it in our heads that we "promised" to be the best wife, and the best mother, and the best domestic engineer and if we just gave a little more, or compromised a little more, then everything would be alright. It took me too long to realize that he wasn't going to change.I also really believe that we learn to live with a distorted version of "normal". I believed that everyone's marriage wasn't perfect and so mine wasn't perfect either. I accepted the way he treated me, because I believed that was how it was supposed to be. AND I LOVED HIM. The guy I wanted him to be..that is who I loved. I didn't like him, I hated how he treated me, but I had learned to live with his crap and I just accepted it. I probably knew it early on, but I didn't want to admit it. Because believing that he wasn't going to change, meant that I made a mistake by marrying the wrong person. I also could not divorce him (in my head)..because I made a commitment and I was raised to never quit.If someone had told me he was ABUSIVE..I would have thought they were crazy. I thought I was crazy for even thinking that he was. Fortunately, I realized what was going on and it was like a slap in the face when I realized what he was and what he was doing to me. In my head..he never hit me, so to me, DV was only about men who hit their wives. My ex was very subtle..but once I educated myself and learned..WOW. He fit right into the description of and ABUSER..one who plays a VICTIM. AND man, was he good at it. He still is.
One thing I also learned..it is never too late to start over. And you are so right to focus on what is important for now. As for your son..you cannot change him either. Focusing on what you can control, that is empowering for survivors of Domestic Violence. You have complete control over your life now. What you do is completely up to you and NO ONE can change that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Many women on this forum feel that they should have left sooner. I probably should have left 3-4 years before I did. I had not been happy for a long time. Almost 3 years before I actually left. AND..I told my now ex that I was leaving and still didn't actually move out for 6 months later. BUT..I tell myself I left when I was able and ready. I had 2 young children at the time to think about, I was confused, I was so torn up with guilt and doubt and confusion over what I should do..that I couldn't leave until I had figured that all out. So, I believe we leave at the right time for US. AND that timing is not the same for everyone. You did what was right for you, and the timing was also right.
Iduna, take one thing at a time. As you said, focus on what is important. I would urge you to also try very hard to maintain "NO CONTACT". Meaning really don't answer any messages from him, don't answer his phone calls or text messages, or e-mail, or attempts on Social Media to contact you. IGNORE him. This will take away his power over you and it will really allow you to begin to focus on your healing and those things that are on your list as priorities to focus on.
Sounds like to me, you are doing great, given all you have been through! Take one hour at a time if you have to. It will get better!
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Post by iduna on Sept 14, 2017 11:28:52 GMT
Hello all, thank you for your replies, so much of what you say rings true, I suppose we all like to think we and our relationships are unique, but I can't help but be stunned at the similarities particularly the patterns of abuse. Unfortunately I cannot cut off contact until this coming weekend, if I don't take calls he says he will come down and my daughter (who I am staying with) is not ready to speak to him and doesn't want her girls near him whilst he is so unpredictable. Won't bore you with detail, but this weekend I can safely cut off contact, I can't wait yesterday I had over 20 missed calls. He literally alternates on a daily basis between, apologetic, calm, reasonable man to screaming bonkers. Yesterday was screaming bonkers day, he threatened all sorts from stamping on plants I had planted (yes really!) to death threats. This morning he was meek and mild, he's feigning panic attacks on quiet days, how can he believe any of that will make be want to come back, it's exasperating. Although I suppose this new 'together' me is a bit of a surprise to him, it was all bubbling just under the surface for me (although I do even surprise myself on occasion) it's been over six weeks now since I left how can he maintain this - how long can he maintain this? Grrr just realised I am doing it again - talking aabout him. We have to arrange to sell the house so I plan to speak once a week - he doesn't do email or text, what do you all think, if he takes that opportunity to become abusive then I'll just hang up.
Given the post today though, I don't think I should be taking death threats as lightly as I did and I don't think I will ever again. God rest her soul and my prayers are too, with her family.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 15, 2017 3:14:17 GMT
I hear you about not being able to cutoff contact. I know it is difficult especially given that you shared a home and a family. He is threatening you, he is bullying you, and he is clearly ABUSIVE..given all you have posted.
I think he will abuse you any chance he gets. I also think that any way you can be on your guard you should be. Record your conversations with him if you have to talk to him, put him on speaker phone and make sure someone else is listening when he calls. Even go as far as to call the police. Your partner is dangerous. He has already hit you, he is threatening you, he is all over the place emotionally and desperate people do desperate things. I don't want to scare you..but you may need to be scared. He is predictably "unpredictable". You could even get a disposable phone, and give him only that number,,so you know every call is from him. You may need to start keeping evidence of what he is doing. Take pictures, record him threatening you. You may have to present it to the police if he becomes more violent. You may need a restraining order. Don't trust him and keep you and your family safe.
Calling the police..whether they do anything or not..at lease you have started a "paper" trail. You have started a public record so if he does do something, you have evidence that you called in his threats. Statistically..abusers become more violent and more abusive at the time the victim leaves. It is the most dangerous time. My ex..said and did things I would have never thought he would have when I told him I was leaving and divorcing him. He was horrible and the worst I had ever seen. I recorded him..I told everyone I knew what he was doing, and I only communicated when I had too. My thought is don't make your contact with him routine. He will come to expect it and prepare for it. Maybe try to keep it to "as needed". The most important thing is to stay safe. And..if you can, don't respond to any of his calls or communications. Call him when you NEED to..not in response to him. He will assume control of when you and he are to speak if you respond. He will continue to try every tactic he can to get you back.
Stand firm Iduna. Keep going forward!
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Post by sarah on Sept 17, 2017 1:40:21 GMT
I agree..Hope by now you've gone completely no contact..And him threatening to come down and do damage to plants is yet again his way of getting you to do as he wants..I would suggest reporting him like what's been said so you have it on record..He needs to take you seriously..you need to be serious about protecting yourself and your Daughter or he is just going to keep overstepping the boundaries you need and want in place.He is unpredictable and you have no idea of his next move/threat.
I also suggest a new number.
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Post by iduna on Sept 21, 2017 20:07:46 GMT
Hello all, well I started the no contact on Wednesday and it was great I really got a chance to think about things. We were just going around and around, he just wants me back and things the way they were. His latest threat on his last call was he would sell the half of the house for £1 to a friend so I would never be able to realise anything financially.
when I told him "go for it, I just didn't care" he flipped shouting all sorts down the telephone. The police have been great, the house is flagged so if he does come here they will respond with blue lights etc and he will be arrested. I can't believe I am talking about him in these terms, we shared a life and it's come to this, the most awful thing is, he doesn't feel the same way, he makes those awful threats like selling the house I keep having to remind myself he has destroyed pictures, clothes, my things because I won't come back. How can someone's mind be so twisted to think that threats and destructive behaviour will achieve anything but to ensure I never go back. Will I get past this? Does there come a point when I will just accept he is what he is?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 23, 2017 11:37:05 GMT
Hi Iduna, with time and energy and purposeful thinking..yes, you can come to a point where you accept what he is. I was in a marriage for 20 years and with him for 26 years, we shared a whole life together. For many of those years..I believed I was happy and I believed he loved me. I also had a "norm" in my marriage that I had come to accept. It wasn't what I wanted for my marriage, but I was committed to making it work, so I did.
I couldn't believe it when I realized what was happening and who he was. BUT..what I learned is my ex-husband has been abusing me for many many years. The way he did it was very subtle. AND as I started to become less happy and wanting something different..I began to see what and who he really was..I began to change, I grew and learned and evolved and became a different person. HE DIDN"T LIKE THAT..I upset the applecart so to speak. I changed the status quo and the way he had been abusing me, it got worse because I didn't accept his behaviors anymore. It was then, that I REALLY saw what he was like. THE ABUSE was very obvious and it all came together. It all made sense.
Before we get to that acceptance..we grieve. We are grieving the loss of a relationship, a loss of the life we thought we had and had come to know and accept. We grieve the loss of our partner..even though they are not what we want..they were there for many years. We were used to having them there. I grieved the "death of my marriage". It was never supposed to end until one of us died. It was supposed to be forever. He was supposed to love me and take care of me and he did neither of those things. I grieved my home being sold and all the memories that were attached to that house. My children grew up there..I had to teach them that "home" is not a place, it isn't a building. It is the love we all have for each other. It is when we are gathered together. I grieved the fact that my kids would never have their parents together again. I had to let go of many ideals and things I had hoped for..because I would not have them at this point.
I also grieved that fact that I thought he loved me and I have learned that it really isn't love in the sense of the word that I believe in. IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM..and that alone makes me very sad.
So, yes, you can get to acceptance. BUT you may have to grieve. You have had a lot of loss. We have to experience those feelings, deal with them, and learn to live life in a very different way. You find new dreams, new hopes, new ways to find happiness. It is very possible. It takes time and determination to not only look for that happiness..but to find it.
Kudos to you for having no contact. If he was a normal adult male, he would not have flipped out. He would respect your thoughts, feelings, wants, and ideas. He flipped out because he can't control you anymore. AND HE TRULY BELIEVES HE HAS EVERY RIGHT to control you. He believes that abusing you is the only way to get what he wants. AND the only thing that is important is WHAT HE WANTS. That is very hard to believe and accept. ALSO..I would recommend reading Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It explains a lot about these types of people.
ABUSERS are not mentally ill. ABUSE is not triggered by drinking alcohol or doing drugs. YOU DID NOT CAUSE him to be this way. MANY are functioning productive people in the community. They look like normal people. They have learned over a lifetime how to be abusive. So he isn't sick..he is a Narcissist (which is a personality disorder) and that has developed probably since he was a small child.
It will be ok Iduna..someday it will be ok. One day at a time.
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Post by iduna on Sept 24, 2017 20:32:28 GMT
Thank you again Karen, I really appreciate your wise words, more so because I feel you must be looking back to unhappy times, but I think I am coming to realise that I will need to do that too, in my case to stop me rewriting history and allowing myself to forget things. As I was reading, a little voice was saying "she's right, you know she's right" just hearing the words from someone else ... I don't know, you just make good sense so bless you.
I don't know if anyone has also done this, on "the night" he was searching through my cell phone, looking for something who know's what and of course there was nothing, I spoke to my family and that was it. He was so frustrated that he smashed my phone and flushed it down the loo and then ripped all the little card holders inside the phone cover. I have kept them both, just so that if ever start to believe him again, when he is sorry, loves me etc. I will look at them and remember the look on his face as he destroyed them.
Even though I am with family, I am not in my home and don't know if I will ever have a home of my own again. He has started divorce proceedings against me, I still can't get over that, I am not emotionally ready to get divorced but have little choice. He says he will stop it all if I come back home, so it's another tactic. He says his lawyer is going to leave me destitute. I know from victim support that I can force the sale of the house if he won't sign up with an estate agent, I could even have him removed from the house and occupy it again myself. The police are aware of the huge number of calls and I could have him charged with harassment but I don't want to do any of those things, I would rather have an online cheap divorce without solicitors and simple 50/50 split of the house. Does anyone think I stand a chance of having anything so amicable?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 25, 2017 0:47:49 GMT
Hey Iduna, it is ok to look back on unhappy times at this point. It is ok to keep writing things down. You can forget if that is what works for you, but honestly, I don't think we ever forget. What I think we do..is we learn to live with our past. We learn to love ourselves despite what our ex-partners have convinced us of..and that is that we are not worthy of love. And we learn from our past so we don't repeat it in the future. We learn a new "normal". We learn to go forward and how to heal from all the hurt and pain these jerks have inflicted on us.
Post here as often as you need to. I have been posting here for 3 years. It still helps me to write it out, to express my thoughts and feelings. I will never forget my past. I don't want to forget. BUT I have learned to go forward and make sure I don't repeat the past. My past is part of who I am. It has shaped who I am going forward. So to me..it is ok to keep it. What worked for me was to really face the pain and the hurt, and when I did..oh my..it hurt something terrible, but I let it come and then I let it go. It doesn't hurt as much as it did 3 years ago. The memories fade, the hurt fades. It is replaced with good memories of celebrating the good things in life. I have many good memories from the last 3 years of my journey to finding a new life in some ways.
Just a thought..your ex partner is punishing you by divorcing you. Everything he is doing is to punish you for leaving. Punishing you for not doing what he wants and what he believes you should be doing. Yes, he will have many tactics going forward. He will try many different things and some things he will do over and over again trying to get what he wants.
Can you come away from this 50/50? Yes. I would suggest talking to Women's Aide or a Domestic Violence Center for legal advice. If you can find an attorney or solicitor..I would suggest a woman..you can find one who will make sure you get what you are owed. In the US..there are laws that apply to divorce proceedings. My ex and I split the sale of our house 50/50. In my mind..he deserved none of it. But..I didn't push it. We were able to go to a mediator and draw up an agreement. I don't get any child support (even though I have a minor child) and we share custody of our daughter who is still under 18. He can never go after my retirement money and I can't touch his..we put this in our agreement. I took all of the things I went into the marriage with..all the furniture, dishes, etc. I didn't want anything from him..just to get out of the marriage. My ex was basically bankrupt..so he had nothing to give. It sounds like you have enough evidence that you could present to the police and be able to have a case against him. He is probably starting the divorce proceedings because he wants to control that as well, just like he controls everything else. If you maintain NO CONTACT..and get your own legal counselor..you can get what you need. Some will take your case and get paid once the house is sold. If your name is on the bank account..I would go and withdraw half of the assets in the account. In my state..the money in the account is deemed 50/50 between partners..doesn't matter who puts money in the account. I was lucky..my ex didn't take any of the money out. None of it was his as his name was on the account but he didn't contribute to it. Only my money went into the account. I took it all out and closed the account. I also closed my kids accounts and started new ones. His name was on those too and again he put no money into the accounts, but he would take money from them.
Going forward..things may be challenging and hard. Trust the Journey you are on Iduna..it will lead you to the place you want to be.
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