OUR 40TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TODAY Sept 9, 2017 21:03:26 GMT
Post by iduna on Sept 9, 2017 21:03:26 GMT
Should have been a big celebration but 6 weeks ago a switch flipped inside me, as he slapped my face then told me how he loved and adored me, I decided I was going and I went. Now I am sleeping in my grand-daughter's bedroom (she's 6years old) all I took with me in bin liners under the bed but I am safe and starting again. Oh the anniversary he decided to celebrate by calling to tell me he was destroying all our photo's. 40 odd years worth of them, all the baby pictures of our children he was destroying and for good measure, he had thrown the clock that was my mother's in a sink full of water. How/why did I give this malicious creep 40 years, my entire adult life, how did it take me this long to discover that no-one could ever make him happy, or at least I couldn't. Now I am 60 years old, homeless and get this, my son told me today that I was selfish for leaving and not caring about Dad, that it was my own fault I had nothing. If it was not for my wonderful daughter and son-in-law I think I might just jump off a bridge and be done with it. Tomorrow the police are going to escort me to get the rest of my stuff, he won't like that, the Hidden Hurt and Silence references are so appropriate, I have hidden so much over the years, smoothed things over and hidden things from family and friends preferring people think I was stand offish rather than admit what was going on. Not anymore, none of this was my fault, he is a malicious bully and I am going to tell the world what he is, I did my best it was not my failing. Yesterday, I actually identified the pattern - you see I reacted to what he was saying never taking the time the step back to look at why. I told him that I could not speak to him on Friday because I had a meeting in the morning and would be busy with the grand children in the afternoon so I would call him in the evening. So he called me from 8am right through to 7pm when I handed the kids back to my daughter, 38 phone calls. When I called him he immediately went into a shouting fit which lasted 7minutes and 30 seconds, I just put the phone on the table and answered my emails, didn't really listen. When he had finished, he calmed and started saying he thought he was suffering from anxiety and he was sorry he couldn't help it. It was then that I realised, had I actually been with him, I could not have sat there listening to that for 7 mins + I would have had reacted or said something and that would have escalated into him losing the plot and hitting me. Nothing had changed, he hadn't changed, despite all he had said about changing, the begging me to come back etc. he did not have control of me that day, could not speak to me as I would not answer the phone so he reverted to the shouting bully he actually is. Now today, because I told him I had identified that and nothing had changed and I would not go back to spend our anniversary together (Yes! he actually believed that was a possibility) he destroyed the photos and other stuff. So that's where I am, I don't know what I am going to do for housing, no one wants to help me, I've called all the agencies and filled in loads of forms but got no help from anyone really. But I am convinced something will turn up somehow, I will not go back even if I end up on the streets I will never go back. I am so glad this forum is here, like most victims I have been isolated, have no friends, my parents are gone and I have no one to really talk to, so I will probably be writing a lot and would really appreciate someone talking back to me. Here's hoping there is someone out there who has been where I am and can tell me there is hope, I will get somewhere.