Trying so hard

I haven't been around but been keeping an eye on posts.... I stayed away ! Being almost killed and thrown out of his car, hit me hard. In a sad way it took me being made to feel like shit on his shoes and being publicly humiliated and left in the middle of no where to finally hit home how his actions could cost me my life.... on top of this a friend of a friend abusive partner pushed her off scaffolding, the result being she survived only just but has a broken back !!! That could have been me and I broke my heart over what this poor woman has been through and how close to home it resonated with me... she may never walk again, a week later he commuted suicide!! Honestly it's horrific. I've worked so hard, getting me, my business and friendships back on track. I blocked him on FB, email, phone and tried hard just to get some normality in my life. My business is flying we actually won a national award, I'm happier, I'm meeting new people. No men as yet as I'm still healing and just not ready. Today was our anniversary 9 years and it hurt today. We always said that no matter what we would meet catch up etc. I just couldn't but it's been hanging over me for weeks.. I took him off block on my phone, I thought he would try contact to say he wasn't going. I heard nothing. Then at 12.15 he text a kiss. This reduced me to a crying wreck. Thankfully I have my best friend back to support me. I managed through the day but felt bad that I hadn't message him.... but I was strong and unmade it through. Yip straight on cue 2 hours later but I only read tonight I received an email through spam, as blocked.... I've been upset ever since. He apologies, his actions, his crazy behaviour how he walked out on me 1000 times when I needed him most ! And how his love for me and our time together was the best time of his life. The support I gave him through his wives death, someone else baby without question, it goes on. He went and waited had things to say which are now irrelevant and went on to bring up the good times we had... he then appoligises, wishes mewell, clearly I've moved on !!!!! It's really really upset me, but I have no intention of responding to either the text or the email. I feel broken again tonight ? I feel violated? And ting tiny part of me even now is asking has he finally realised ? Sorry for the very long post... I do know this man inside out and he will be lived with me and he won't stop until he gets some kind of responds ?