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Post by BritishGuy on Aug 4, 2017 19:30:05 GMT
Hello,
First time I have posted on this site.
My wife and I have been married for over ten years and for the last five years, she has been displaying some abusive behaviours.
- Calling me half pint, whenever I don't complete a job to her satisfaction.
- Telling a few people extremely personal information about myself. (This included telling a neighbour that she had met for the first time about my childhood sexual abuse).
- She has hit me a few times (mainly on my back) because I wasn't "understanding her emotional needs".
- Called me a cripple and a burden, after I was unable to finish the housework. This was due to me falling from a stepladder and fracturing a bone in my foot and bruising my ribs. She had had a bad day at work and had to pick me up from the hospital and then finish the housework I was unable to complete.
- After she had been in hospital (one hour away) for a week, while I had been working and visiting her most days, complained that I hadn't cleaned the bottom of the fridge.
- Talks over me even though she gets agitated if I interrupt her by accident.
- Sometimes I feel like I am on eggshells around her.
About half of the time she is fine and doesn't control contact with my friends or finances.
So I am wondering what I should do next:-
- Carry on as normal.
- Go to marriage counselling.
- Leave her.
Any advice given would be gratefully received.
Mark
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Aug 5, 2017 14:41:22 GMT
Hi Mark..welcome here! Thank you for sharing your story, I am sure it has been a bit challenging at times in your relationship with your wife. I am sorry this is happening to you.
First..I would offer a few ideas to you. Educate yourself as to what she is doing. There is a book out there called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It explains ABUSE and Domestic Violence mostly seeing the Man as the abuser. Women can be very abusive as well. So, reading the book, obviously replace the "he" with "she". You will gain some insights as to what is happening in your relationship. Also.."Should I Stay or Should I Go"..another good book.
I suspect your wife is abusive. You have described many behaviors that if you said she was a "man"..I would say 'Yes" she is abusing you. She crosses many boundaries without giving any thought to your feelings. The very fact that you are "walking on eggshells" she is displaying abusive behaviors.
Marriage counselling may be a very good option. She needs to be made aware of the affect she is having on you with her behaviors. Hitting, controlling the conversation, sharing personal information, calling you names and almost making fun of you for your injury? She doesn't sound very nice and sadly she has certain beliefs that it is ok to treat you the way she is.
If not marriage counselling..perhaps at least counselling for yourself, so you can begin to help figure out what you want. You can also call a Domestic Violence National Hotline and speak to a counselor. You can be anonymous and they will help you. I went to counseling at my local DV Center..it was free and it was the best decision I made. Helped me tremendously!
I guess the bottom line is how much are you willing to put up with? Do you want to live like this forever? AND..if she is not willing or open to change..then how do you want to cope with her behaviors? Or do you want to cope with her behaviors? We can't change our partners..many people try though. The only person we can change is ourselves and how we cope with what his happening around us.
I left a 20 year marriage (was 26 years with him total) because I could not live with him the way he was treating me. I couldn't change him. Believe me..I tried. AND he had no insight as to what he was doing that bothered me so much. We went to marriage counselling. He was given one assignment..simply to ask me how my day went. Just to do this everyday for a week. He did it one day..that was it. That is only one example. When I began to really look at what my future looked like? The feeling of dread came over me was so overwhelming. We were also $50,000 in debt thanks to him and he never paid back one penny of it. So..again..how much are you willing to live with? For me..LEAVING was my only option. I was so unhappy. It was a very difficult decision and even 4 years later (since I made the decision to leave) I still grieve my marriage ending. BUT I also am incredibly happy. He was very abusive towards me..I thought it was "just him".."just how men are". I lived with the emotional crap for way to long(lots more details about that..too many to type right now).
The best "advice" I can think of ...is to begin to figure out what you want. Your gut is telling you something is not right in your relationship and perhaps it is time to start looking at what is going on and what do you want to do about it. Those are very difficult things to start doing. It took me probably 2 years to finally decide to leave. I know I was unhappy before that. And once I decided to leave..it took another 6 months before I finally did. I left because he wouldn't. AND I could not take my 2 daughters with me..I had to pay the mortgage (he couldn't and wouldn't). Very long story. BUT..it is all about figuring out what you want for your life going forward.
No one can make that choice for you. No one but you.
And if it helps..keep posting here. For me..this forum has saved me. Writing out my thoughts and feelings and receiving feedback and support from others who know..HUGE help.
Don't talk yourself out of thinking this is all wrong. What she is doing is not your fault. You didn't cause her to be abusive towards you, she is fully in control of her actions. Listen to your gut..I promise you it will not lead you wrong! My motto is "Trust your Journey".
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