xrd
Member
Posts: 1 
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Post by xrd on Jun 27, 2017 16:09:44 GMT
Hi
Hoping to get some reassurance from posting on here - first time on here!
I was in an abusive relationship for 5 and a half years and afterwards was diagnosed with PTSD which I'm please to say has been treated. I had counselling afterwards and have been doing really well with overcoming my negative thoughts. However, this week I had a look at his fb page and his current parner's page (I found out not long after we split that he'd been cheating on me with her as well as lots of other girls) and found out that she is pregnant. I was so upset at seeing this and many thoughts are going round my head again that I can't stop again!
My friend asked me if it was because I've not got kids yet and I see him moving on quickly with his but it's not really this at all. I am afraid his love is greater for her (for as stupid as this sounds as what does it even matter) and wonder why he's changed his game plan to allow her to have children whereas when with me it was a future plan that we only spoke about. I know that one of the reasons he split with me was because I was becoming more confident in sticking up for my views and what I wanted and he hated this. I think it matters so much because I put so much effort into the relationship and put up with so much and yet I wasn't enough to turn him around whereas it would appear she has or has she I guess???
I don't want to feel like this as I've been doing so well and I'm off my anti depressants too which is a big thing for me - don't want to give him another second of my life. How do I wrestle with these thoughts?
thank you!
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jun 29, 2017 3:27:49 GMT
Hi xrd..welcome here!
In reading your post I can say it sounds so familiar to me. Why does it hurt so much? First..our brains do not know if 5 days have passed or 5 years. Those feelings were triggered by you looking at his FB page. I can tell you..been there done that. I cringe every time I look and I get frustrated with myself for even looking. I know how it will make me feel and I have figured out that I keep looking for some sort of justification that he is abusing her just like he did me. That some how that relationship is going to fail, that he can't possibly love her more than he loved me because I gave him 1000% of me and it wasn't enough. He married her..why didn't he marry me? He told me he wanted to marry me and then 4 weeks later he is in another relationship, I warn her of his abuse, she dumps him, she gets back with him and 3 months later they are married. WHAT THE HECK?
So what is going on here? First he is trying to make it look like he is happy, that he has the perfect relationship, that he can get someone pregnant (this is a HUGE ego thing for a guy), and that he is in a successful relationship. Please know..a lot of what he is doing is to create a picture..it is for your benefit. He wants you and any other past relationships to see that he can be successful in a relationship and the fact that you may not be in one..proves to him that he is better than you. That you were the problem in your relationship and he wasn't..because.."see, I have someone and you don't, so I must not have been the problem". It is a mind game.
The fact that she is pregnant could mean many things. AND also..I believe my ex got married 8 weeks after his divorce was final (not from me but from the wife he cheated on with me) to get back at her and at me. I believe your ex got his partner pregnant to get back at you. I also believe that he is abusing her, he is controlling her, and he found another victim. He found someone he can control and manipulate and give him what he wants.
We have to keep telling ourselves that ABUSERS DON"T CHANGE..they keep on abusing, they find women (or men) whom they can control and they treat them as horribly as they treated you. It never stops. You are fortunate in that you got out. It is just hard to see that sometimes. They move on very quickly. My ex-husband replaced me with his sisters. Meaning...he was abusive towards me by playing the "victim" role. I took care of him for over 25 years. When I left..he basically became homeless because he could not afford to live on his own without me supporting him. So..where is he no? Living with his sister..he was supposed to stay a "few months" he has been there for over 2 years. AND HE WON"T leave. She is supporting him. The ex I first spoke of was a guy I met online, fell for him quickly, move in with him, he loved me before he even met me. Made my head spin..but he swept me off me feet. I was hooked. He became my worst nightmare. He kicked me out of his house and started dating another woman 4 weeks later. Long story short..they move on because they need to abuse in order to feel good.
One thing that works for me is I block my exes on my FB page. They cannot see my page or my posts..AND I cannot see them at all. It takes the temptation for me to look at their page. My ex-boyfriend...I have not seen him in almost 3 years. I look at his FB page and it feels like I just saw him yesterday. It all comes back. I have worked very hard to get away from him. BUT that one look takes me right back to the pain and hurt I experienced. So I focus on doing everything I can to not look.
It sounds like you have been doing well, and you can continue to do well. Don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day and perhaps find a way to go forward. To find some positive in the day, to do something kind for yourself or a friend you care about. You sound like a strong, confident person. Embrace that. Don't let anyone take that power away from you..that power to love who you are. Let the feelings you have come, identify them for what they are and learn what triggers them. Let the feelings go. Take lots of deep breaths, and then go forward with your life. Don't give him or his partner any energy..any power over you.
Everyday..I tell myself I dodged a bullet. His new wife is not happy..she can't be because in some way shape or form..he has abused her, he has hurt her. It hasn't stopped. It just has taken on a different look. I see her picture with him and I just look at her eyes. She looks sad. Because he is abusing her and she is talking herself into believing that it is OK. The difference is..for me it was not OK anymore, I decided that it was wrong the way he treated me..she hasn't decided that enough yet to leave him. Perhaps she will or she won't. Either way..she is not happy...I know she can't be. He has abused every girl before me (3 or 4 major relationships) and he will continue to abuse whoever crosses his path.
It will be OK xrd..it really will.
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Post by Marilyn on Jun 29, 2017 17:33:28 GMT
My niece left her partner and a month later he'd moved her friend in. Now they are trying for a baby. He never wanted children with my niece but they have a little boy. The little boy (aged two) comes back from visits sometimes and says 'Daddy shouted at A" A is daddy's new partner. Neighbours have also commented on the volume of the rows.
Doesn't mean your partner's new girlfriend will fare any better than you.
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Post by jeannie812 on Jul 22, 2017 3:31:07 GMT
I think it boils down to if it doesn't feel right then something is wrong. I gotta take my own advice. It doesn't matter where you meet them. Doesn't matter if you meet them at work, or at church, or at a club, or on-line, there is no right or wrong place to meet people. What matters is when things hit you wrong and you stay in it, then that is when you get into trouble. It's is really best to break it off early when the warning bells hit, or you will get emotional attached and go through so much grief when it's over. Long term grief.
And, yes, about the guy acting like it is happily ever after on facebook, it does sound like a fraud. His anger started long before he was old enough to date...!
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