Post by karen on May 11, 2017 2:57:36 GMT
Hi everyone. I need to ask for your input and support as I am trying to figure out some "triggers" I am having and how to cope with what is going on. This is work related. BUT..abuse is everywhere..so any thoughts you all have...greatly appreciated as I try and sort through my feelings, figure out what is happening and why this person is triggering me. Also.I need to vent and I need to write this out so I can figure this out in my head. Thank you for reading this.
Quick back story...I was "encouraged to resign" from my previous job of 11 years on July 1, 2016. I believe I was being abused by my superiors and left that job after a very difficult ending to that job. I have been in my career for about 30 years, I have held only 3 jobs as I pretty much commit to something and stick with it.
So..I have been in a new job since September 1, 2016. I was hired by an Administrator of a nursing home type facility. I was promoted pretty quickly after 3 months to a Director of Social Services. A job I take very seriously and put forth a lot of effort to make sure I do my best.
As a SW I have a Code of Ethics I am bound by regarding the License I hold to practice my discipline of being a SW. I believe strongly in caring for people and making sure that if someone has the ability to make their own choices, that those rights are not violated. I also believe I am a team player. I do not work well under a "dictator". I believe in listening to people, I believe in empowering people to help themselves...kind of like "give a man a fish and you have to keep giving him fish...teach him to fish and he will then feed himself". So..my point is I do not believe in dictating how someone should or should not live their life. I believe in empowering and teaching people to care for themselves.
Well..I have an administrator who is in charge of my facility and he works very closely with the Director of Nursing Care. Together..these two individuals basically run the whole facility. Everyone in my building...basically walks on eggshells around these 2 people. The whole staff is very capable and educated to take care of those in need. BUT..these 2 administrators are the only two who can make decisions and they give out information and authority when and if they feel it is necessary. They are controlling. ONLY..the male administrator is basically a puppet to the DON. He doesn't understand healthcare, so he basically does whatever she tells him needs to be done. ***I believe THEY think we all need to be given one fish at a time and fed that way...rather than teach us to fish on our own so we can then be independent. Meaning..one way we have to depend on them..the other way we think for ourselves and basically don't need them. They keep us dependent.
What I am struggling with is the DON. My gut told me when I got hired that something wasn't right with this woman.
Here is what she does and how I react...
1.she makes up rules as she goes along and applies them when she feels it is to her benefit....or rather she makes it seem like it is "best for the building". She is not consistent how and when she applies the rules and the rules change depending on how she feels, whether she likes the individual who has a need or want, and what mood she is in. ***This confuses me***
2. There are instances where she will seem like she cares about me or other staff..be their "best friend", supportive, interested in what is going on in their life. THEN..if you do something she disagrees with..she turns on you and is nasty to you. You are not on her good side any longer and she basically tells you what to do. **This confuses me**
3. MOST meetings happen and she has to lead them, she has to be in control of the subject matter, of any changes that may or may not occur, most ideas that are not hers are shot down, and new ideas basically have to be presented several different ways before she decides if they are good or not. Basically..SHE knows best and no one else has any input that matters. If she likes you..she likes your ideas..if she doesn't like you or the way the idea is presented..she won't support or approve the change. **confuses me**
4. Most staff are afraid of her. Staff who disagree or question her are basically shot down, she will control the conversation and comes up with many reasons why what one might be saying is wrong or "not a good idea". She recently said to our Licensed Dietician who has no replacement while she is on vacation."Well can't one of my nurses do your assessments? How hard can they be, or the kitchen director can do that can't she?" Dietician says.."A Licensed Dietician needs to do the assessments". We have a Licensed Dietician with a college degree in nutrition and this administrator thinks a high school educated Kitchen Manager can do an assessment. This woman (DON) also asked if a LPN who has no dietary training or experience can do the assessment. This DON also believes that she knows how to do my job ( I am licensed, I have a masters degree and 30 years of experience) and that one of my staff members who has worked with us for 2 months, and has no SW experience can step right up and do my job. **I feel belittled, not valued, and I am upset for my friend who is the dietician who basically was also demeaned*** ALso..both administrators..think that one of our sister facilities needs to force their "part time" Dietician to come and do the assessments. My administrator has "issues" and believes this part-time worker should be pressured to work extra hours and that she should WANT to work the extra hours. He said this in a staff meeting recently. (REALLY???)
5. The DON can make mistakes, she can question what is being said and why, she can be silly, she can turn the meeting to focus on her, she can laugh and take up a lot of time to share her thoughts and feelings..but NO ONE else can do this. Anyone who is too silly is "getting off topic"..or she will quickly turn the meeting to focus on her. She has to be the "center of attention", she can come to a meeting not prepared,,but NO ONE else can. She will make you feel bad or inadequate for being unprepared. Then next time..if you are prepared and on your game..she will then be on your side, she will want to be your buddy. BUT you make a mistake again..and you are no longer part of her "good side". **This really messes with my head***. I find myself trying to please her.
6. Not all employees are created equal. There is a significant air of condescension on her part. A housekeeper is not nearly as valuable or granted the same status as say a physician. One will get special treatment, the housekeeper will not. **I don't like this, it is very condescending. She also talks about other employees behind their backs..she even will put down the Head Administrator (the one I refer to as her "puppet")
7. I stood up to her once in a meeting..I questioned and tried to clarify what she was saying. You could have heard a pin drop. The whole staff all stared at me like I was going to go up in flames for daring to question her. AND what is really interesting..this DON is 67 years old, she dresses like she is 35 (mini skirts and sweaters). She believes that her wearing a skirt everyday is professional..even if she wears tennis shoes with that mini skirt..but she is quick to talk about the way other's dress.
I could keep going. What is really upsetting to me too..is she is controlling and manipulating in a very subtle way. She isn't a large lady, she is petite and blonde and honestly should retire. Many of her nurses who work for her refer to her as "Mother"..there isn't any boundaries here. Some staff get special treatment by her..some don't. She isn't nasty...like calling people names or cussing or yells or gets emotional. BUT she is very SUBTLE..she will pull you into her "circle or clique" if she needs or wants something from you..but if she doesn't like what you are doing or she thinks it needs to be done differently..you are kicked out of the clique. I sat in a meeting with her today. She didn't call the meeting..myself and the Director of Rehab (whom sees everything I see ) called the meeting. Other administrator was running late..so DON didn't feel like waiting for him (we would have to sit and wait for her if she was late) first thing out of her mouth.."I am going to take charge of this meeting because frankly I don't know why we are even having it, it isn't necessary". The Director of Rehab and I were stunned. I told her why we were having the meeting and she proceeded to basically run the meeting and the cause of all the problems that are happening..are basically my departments fault. If we would just do the job her way..and according to her.."You should be able to get it done because there are 3 of you now"...blah blah blah..she knows how to do my job. And she proceeded to tell me how to do it.
I left that meeting extremely angry, near tears, and ready to tell her to go screw herself. I asked her a questioned..was told "no" and why something couldn't be done. 15 minutes later..the Director of Rehab asks the same question in a little different manner and she says "Oh sure..that is very reasonable, that would be fine" (smiling, joking, encouraging the Director of Rehab..this is the same person she criticized in previous meetings for being wrong and doing her job wrong).
I am getting very "triggered" by this lady. I am trying to control how I am feeling..but I find myself very confused, upset, and I want to be assertive...but even when I talk to her like I know what I am doing..she finds a way to still be in control and tell me what to do. i want to tell her to stop telling me how to do my job. I don't know how to tell her to stop without attacking her..because the anger I feel inside will come out and I don't want to be angered. I feel like if I defend myself..I will get loud and angry and defensive and she will sit there and be calm and collected and I will look like the crazy one. (this sounds familiar)
Any feedback you all have is most appreciated. This lady supposedly is retiring in one year. I can stick it out..but I have to figure out how to cope with her. I love my job and the rest of the staff. Many of them go along with all she says. They don't think for themselves because basically she makes everyone feel like they can't think for themselves or if they do they are wrong. Unless you are a nurse...because her staff can make mistakes..they just need guidance and support to do better next time. Any other department who makes a mistake and they are incompetent.
Believe it or not..I find myself getting angry and annoyed as I write this. And the tears on right on the edge. I need some tips on how to deal with this. Part of me is considering going back to my DV counselor..just so I can figure this out. Thanks everyone. Sorry for it being so long..I just need to process this and figure it out.
Quick back story...I was "encouraged to resign" from my previous job of 11 years on July 1, 2016. I believe I was being abused by my superiors and left that job after a very difficult ending to that job. I have been in my career for about 30 years, I have held only 3 jobs as I pretty much commit to something and stick with it.
So..I have been in a new job since September 1, 2016. I was hired by an Administrator of a nursing home type facility. I was promoted pretty quickly after 3 months to a Director of Social Services. A job I take very seriously and put forth a lot of effort to make sure I do my best.
As a SW I have a Code of Ethics I am bound by regarding the License I hold to practice my discipline of being a SW. I believe strongly in caring for people and making sure that if someone has the ability to make their own choices, that those rights are not violated. I also believe I am a team player. I do not work well under a "dictator". I believe in listening to people, I believe in empowering people to help themselves...kind of like "give a man a fish and you have to keep giving him fish...teach him to fish and he will then feed himself". So..my point is I do not believe in dictating how someone should or should not live their life. I believe in empowering and teaching people to care for themselves.
Well..I have an administrator who is in charge of my facility and he works very closely with the Director of Nursing Care. Together..these two individuals basically run the whole facility. Everyone in my building...basically walks on eggshells around these 2 people. The whole staff is very capable and educated to take care of those in need. BUT..these 2 administrators are the only two who can make decisions and they give out information and authority when and if they feel it is necessary. They are controlling. ONLY..the male administrator is basically a puppet to the DON. He doesn't understand healthcare, so he basically does whatever she tells him needs to be done. ***I believe THEY think we all need to be given one fish at a time and fed that way...rather than teach us to fish on our own so we can then be independent. Meaning..one way we have to depend on them..the other way we think for ourselves and basically don't need them. They keep us dependent.
What I am struggling with is the DON. My gut told me when I got hired that something wasn't right with this woman.
Here is what she does and how I react...
1.she makes up rules as she goes along and applies them when she feels it is to her benefit....or rather she makes it seem like it is "best for the building". She is not consistent how and when she applies the rules and the rules change depending on how she feels, whether she likes the individual who has a need or want, and what mood she is in. ***This confuses me***
2. There are instances where she will seem like she cares about me or other staff..be their "best friend", supportive, interested in what is going on in their life. THEN..if you do something she disagrees with..she turns on you and is nasty to you. You are not on her good side any longer and she basically tells you what to do. **This confuses me**
3. MOST meetings happen and she has to lead them, she has to be in control of the subject matter, of any changes that may or may not occur, most ideas that are not hers are shot down, and new ideas basically have to be presented several different ways before she decides if they are good or not. Basically..SHE knows best and no one else has any input that matters. If she likes you..she likes your ideas..if she doesn't like you or the way the idea is presented..she won't support or approve the change. **confuses me**
4. Most staff are afraid of her. Staff who disagree or question her are basically shot down, she will control the conversation and comes up with many reasons why what one might be saying is wrong or "not a good idea". She recently said to our Licensed Dietician who has no replacement while she is on vacation."Well can't one of my nurses do your assessments? How hard can they be, or the kitchen director can do that can't she?" Dietician says.."A Licensed Dietician needs to do the assessments". We have a Licensed Dietician with a college degree in nutrition and this administrator thinks a high school educated Kitchen Manager can do an assessment. This woman (DON) also asked if a LPN who has no dietary training or experience can do the assessment. This DON also believes that she knows how to do my job ( I am licensed, I have a masters degree and 30 years of experience) and that one of my staff members who has worked with us for 2 months, and has no SW experience can step right up and do my job. **I feel belittled, not valued, and I am upset for my friend who is the dietician who basically was also demeaned*** ALso..both administrators..think that one of our sister facilities needs to force their "part time" Dietician to come and do the assessments. My administrator has "issues" and believes this part-time worker should be pressured to work extra hours and that she should WANT to work the extra hours. He said this in a staff meeting recently. (REALLY???)
5. The DON can make mistakes, she can question what is being said and why, she can be silly, she can turn the meeting to focus on her, she can laugh and take up a lot of time to share her thoughts and feelings..but NO ONE else can do this. Anyone who is too silly is "getting off topic"..or she will quickly turn the meeting to focus on her. She has to be the "center of attention", she can come to a meeting not prepared,,but NO ONE else can. She will make you feel bad or inadequate for being unprepared. Then next time..if you are prepared and on your game..she will then be on your side, she will want to be your buddy. BUT you make a mistake again..and you are no longer part of her "good side". **This really messes with my head***. I find myself trying to please her.
6. Not all employees are created equal. There is a significant air of condescension on her part. A housekeeper is not nearly as valuable or granted the same status as say a physician. One will get special treatment, the housekeeper will not. **I don't like this, it is very condescending. She also talks about other employees behind their backs..she even will put down the Head Administrator (the one I refer to as her "puppet")
7. I stood up to her once in a meeting..I questioned and tried to clarify what she was saying. You could have heard a pin drop. The whole staff all stared at me like I was going to go up in flames for daring to question her. AND what is really interesting..this DON is 67 years old, she dresses like she is 35 (mini skirts and sweaters). She believes that her wearing a skirt everyday is professional..even if she wears tennis shoes with that mini skirt..but she is quick to talk about the way other's dress.
I could keep going. What is really upsetting to me too..is she is controlling and manipulating in a very subtle way. She isn't a large lady, she is petite and blonde and honestly should retire. Many of her nurses who work for her refer to her as "Mother"..there isn't any boundaries here. Some staff get special treatment by her..some don't. She isn't nasty...like calling people names or cussing or yells or gets emotional. BUT she is very SUBTLE..she will pull you into her "circle or clique" if she needs or wants something from you..but if she doesn't like what you are doing or she thinks it needs to be done differently..you are kicked out of the clique. I sat in a meeting with her today. She didn't call the meeting..myself and the Director of Rehab (whom sees everything I see ) called the meeting. Other administrator was running late..so DON didn't feel like waiting for him (we would have to sit and wait for her if she was late) first thing out of her mouth.."I am going to take charge of this meeting because frankly I don't know why we are even having it, it isn't necessary". The Director of Rehab and I were stunned. I told her why we were having the meeting and she proceeded to basically run the meeting and the cause of all the problems that are happening..are basically my departments fault. If we would just do the job her way..and according to her.."You should be able to get it done because there are 3 of you now"...blah blah blah..she knows how to do my job. And she proceeded to tell me how to do it.
I left that meeting extremely angry, near tears, and ready to tell her to go screw herself. I asked her a questioned..was told "no" and why something couldn't be done. 15 minutes later..the Director of Rehab asks the same question in a little different manner and she says "Oh sure..that is very reasonable, that would be fine" (smiling, joking, encouraging the Director of Rehab..this is the same person she criticized in previous meetings for being wrong and doing her job wrong).
I am getting very "triggered" by this lady. I am trying to control how I am feeling..but I find myself very confused, upset, and I want to be assertive...but even when I talk to her like I know what I am doing..she finds a way to still be in control and tell me what to do. i want to tell her to stop telling me how to do my job. I don't know how to tell her to stop without attacking her..because the anger I feel inside will come out and I don't want to be angered. I feel like if I defend myself..I will get loud and angry and defensive and she will sit there and be calm and collected and I will look like the crazy one. (this sounds familiar)
Any feedback you all have is most appreciated. This lady supposedly is retiring in one year. I can stick it out..but I have to figure out how to cope with her. I love my job and the rest of the staff. Many of them go along with all she says. They don't think for themselves because basically she makes everyone feel like they can't think for themselves or if they do they are wrong. Unless you are a nurse...because her staff can make mistakes..they just need guidance and support to do better next time. Any other department who makes a mistake and they are incompetent.
Believe it or not..I find myself getting angry and annoyed as I write this. And the tears on right on the edge. I need some tips on how to deal with this. Part of me is considering going back to my DV counselor..just so I can figure this out. Thanks everyone. Sorry for it being so long..I just need to process this and figure it out.
