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Post by julie69 on Apr 22, 2014 21:58:59 GMT
After the firm I worked for downsized and I lost my job, my partner was rather pleased to have me at home all day.
So pleased, in fact, that I think that's the way he wants to keep it.
I tried to start a business, but he just consumes so much of my time. I didn't know where I was going to set up, just figure out which relative's living room I could borrow once I had my first client. But if anyone he doesn't know calls me, they get the whole "what do you want with my missus?" routine. If he doesn't actually intercept my phone before I can get there, and I do answer, all the caller can hear is him going, "Who is it? Who are you talking to? I want to know!"
Then I sent my details to some recruitment agencies hoping to get some contract work. My partner went on and on about how it would be foolish to take short term contracts, as some of them are only a matter of days long, and I lose my benefits only to have no work the next week and have no income while I have to re-apply to the social.
I have never had problems getting some sort of work, even if it's just sitting and answering the phone somewhere. But agencies haven't taken kindly to me saying I need a booking that's ongoing.
I definitely don't want to take a permanent job doing similar things to what I was doing because I hated it to the point it was making me ill. I've bitten the bullet in the past but I'd been offered those jobs off the back of a temporary booking and never had to go through the interview process. How would I convince an interview panel I was enthusiastic about abandoning my business plans and career aspiration (not hard to find by googling my real name) and going back to a pay-the-bills gig like the last one definitely was, and calling that "my career"?
Is being a respected professional, earning an honest day's pay, such a big ask?
I think my partner would like me to apply to be his full-time carer, because them he would have me where he could keep an eye on me 24/7.
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janine
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Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Apr 23, 2014 0:24:01 GMT
Hey Julie69 and welcome here,
It sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive by controlling your every move. That must feel very threatening and scary especially given he is actively choosing to sabotage your efforts to have a good career.
If you want to there are a few good books out there that help very well with identifying how and when an abuser is manipulating you in a relationship. One of called "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft and a real eye opener and amazing support resource. Another one is "Jerk Radar" by Steve Mc Crea. Both describe very well what abuser do to control you- where the second one focuses on avoiding dating an abuser all together or get out in the beginning of a relationship when the red flags show up.
It is a serious injury to your private sphere and human rights that he is monitoring your phone calls. If I were an interested customer I would not take that as a serious business to work with - and he knows that. That is why he is doing it. The control and extreme jealousy are serious warning signs of an abusive personality.
Let us know how we can help or what your thoughts are.
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Post by julie69 on Apr 23, 2014 13:32:03 GMT
Thank you Janine.
I think the main reason I came here was to get other perspectives, and to remind myself that it's not just me.
I used to post occasionally on rhiannon3, but under multiple different names so I'd be rather hard to track. I even contributed a couple stories to Steve's book.
Yes, I've read Lundy Bancroft's book, and also a couple by Patricia Evans. I'm annoyed with myself that I have such an intellectual understanding of the issues, but can't use it to make any headway. I also read The Gaslight Effect, can't remember the author's name, but when I tried the techniques on my partner he just carried on talking in a loud voice and talked over me. He's absolutely immune to any assertiveness or communication handling techniques, and believe me, in the 8 years we've been together I've tried them all.
Almost three years ago I left him for a few months. I took a course of professional training and he took a dislike to both the lecturer and the subject, and things just came to a head because he was being so nasty about me going off and doing this course.
During the time I was gone, he told all his friends that I had had an affair and run off with this guy, told them that I had fallen into his "fraudulent" activities and done all sorts of bad things. Whatever he told them must have been so bad that they don't want anything to do with me, and when we got back together they wouldn't contact him either because he had taken back a "bad egg". Now he says I have chased off all his friends. It was HIM who was leaving messages day and night and camping on my doorstep trying to get me to come back!
If I left again, I don't know how I would keep my location private because he would just find me through my business website and online promotional listings. He says if I betray him again (i.e. leave) he will make it his life's mission to destroy me and my family. I know he doesn't mean by doing the kinds of things he could get arrested for, he means by the kind of insidious slander which he's already proven he knows how to do very thoroughly.
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 23, 2014 18:31:53 GMT
Hah, I contributed a few of my stories to Steve's book as well!! (under "anonymous from Germany" I think or used some middle name) Good on you for posting under different names- my abusive Ex was too lazy to research anything and probably also too stupid to find my new work email after I left. Since I taught at a well known university he could have easily googled me. I guess in that sense I was lucky to have dated a lazy abuser.
I understand the situation of "knowing it all intellectually" but not being able to connect that with your body to REALLY understand he is abusive and will forever stay this way and get away for good from this toxic and addictive relationship. It took me a few attempts to leave my abusive ex too.
Have you involved more than books- like a professional counselor of shelter/DV hotline to talk to someone and dig a bit deeper into what exactly is keeping you with him? Whatever he threatens - there IS always, always a way out. I know this seems impossible and the internet makes it all a lot more complex and scary but there is legal support in that area nowadays as well and luckily the issues known that abusers cause in the online world researched as well.
You are not the first woman with a business who has an abuser in her life who will not let go. Eventually once they find a new victim it is actually surprising how fast they DO let go- as much as they threaten they will never stop. Can you record those things he threatens? The police and legal system is also smarter than those tiny, worthless worms. They can track computer ID's and find out who might post something negative on your website. If you give an experienced DV worker or law enforcement officer the chance to answer your questions and have a real attack at all your "worst case scenario" concerns- they might have ideas and support you never knew existed!
I have had people too who had no clue about DV and believed my Ex and then got angry when they heard I went back. The key is that abused women like you and me need to learn to feel empowered. To really feel that THEY alone are in control of their lives. That it does not matter if we lose someone who simply does not understand because we are not responsible for the entire universe. I am still learning that one but got better over the years with therapy etc. to say no, to kick people out who dont feel right and to grab my deepest fears by the horns and tell at them.
Once you maybe wrote down all your biggest fears he COULD do should you choose to leave again- and work through all the possible defenses you got with legal and DV shelter support- it may not feel like this prison anymore.
It is not you. It IS him.
Maybe if you are at a crossroads with jobs now anyways this may be the perfect time to escape for good and rebuild your life maybe in another area or state if that is on your possible "wish" list. You can ask future employers to not list your name so that it is not searchable via the internet ( I had done that with one school but then decided": Fuckem. Fuck this abusive worm who makes me fear my every move and decision and step. I reclaim my life. This is enough.
(sorry for the profanity but the F-word has something incredibly freeing to it....)
Let us know if youd like to share your greatest worries with us and we can see if we have members who had similar experiences. Call a shelter or DV police specialist. These people make it their profession to help people just like you and more!!! Imagine what celebrities would do if they were sacred of stalkers. They would stop having a life and career. And they too manage (with help) to get through situations like yours.
If they can do it- with a lot more stalkers and often a lot more serious death threats....YOU can do it.
A good book i can recommend is also Gavin de Becker "Gift of fear"-- it reminded me a lot of what you described about being scared of what he could do if you left him again.
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finallyfree
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He's been found guilty....feeling great!!
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Post by finallyfree on Apr 24, 2014 21:15:41 GMT
Hi Julie69, My name has been and still is mud by my ex abusers lies, but I dont care anymore, ive lost alot of people in my life but thats their choice, people can believe what they like, I know the truth. I have been humiliated so many times it doesnt get to me now like it used to. The only way to take control of your life is to break free from the controlling abuse....im pleased I finally have and still got a way to go. Janine1984 always gives excellent advice )
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