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Post by notsurewhattodo on Nov 25, 2016 21:46:34 GMT
My husband of just over 2 years is verbally abusive. Not all the time and sometimes we have a wonderful relationship. However, he calls me bitch, cunt, stupid, retarded, idiot on a regular basis and then justifies why I am those things and most of the time he can make a valid argument. However, even if he is correct I don't think the name calling is appropriate. We have a 17 months old girl and this goes on in front of her. He also yells when he is angry and calls it raising his voice, I don't want this behavior in my house with our daughter it is making me yell back which I don't normally do but have no other way to express myself.
One little example is when I told him I was going to bring my fruit to work for a second day, well he called me idiot and fucken stupid because "you can't take the same fruit two days in a row because it starts to go bad" and he is trying to keep me safe that is why he is harsh.
I am not a confident driver so I let him drive, so that is point of contention between us and he calls me weak because I don't drive.
He has put me in headlocks a few times saying he is trying to break the tension or make me apologize. It doesn't "hurt", like I know he is not going to break something but when I ask him to stop he says he likes to hurt me or I am being a wet blanket.
On occasion when we are arguing he tells me he would like to throw me out the window or put my head through a wall. Of course he says this is to break the tension or says at least he is not calling me names and this is an improvement.
Anyways in order to keep this short I will end it here although I can go on forever.
My question is am I being selfish if I take my daughter and leave, he has yelled once in her face to shut up shut up shut up or what do you want what do you want what do you want (I can't remember which one) he has said things to her like why are you crying your just a girl and some man will own you some day. He says he is joking about the later one but its not funny to me and she can't understand yet but she will one day.
My other question is is it possible he would get custody if I leave, do I have to prove the abuse, I have a job right now but won't if I move out because I would leave the city, does that affect custody. Does my driving ability affect this also???
I don't want to harm her by staying but I read it can harm the child if you divorce.....I have no idea what to do I am so confused. I love her so much and don't want her growing up to hate me because of it.
Please help!
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Post by susan on Nov 26, 2016 9:24:46 GMT
U should ring the DV hotline if ur able to discuss the legalities u r worrying about...do u have family u can go to initially cos it seems u need some support to deal with all this and being on ur own with ur little 1 will be quite daunting...u say u Ave little confidence which is probably as result of the way ur being treated u will find the strength deep inside to make the break...u r not being selfish at all ur being very logical and trying to be safe...He is going to plead and beg with u so u have pity on him and u need to stay strong and determined in ur decision...All this reads to me that he's at the control point and instilling the fear and the threats of what he feels like doing he will eventually do he obviously thinks a headlock is ok...I know how ur feeling my love only I didn't have children which is a whole other ball game...take it 1 step at a time try not to fill ur head with all the worries everything will fall into place..my first step I went to my brothers then I got legal advice and involved the police/courts for protection orders getting my safety net in order if he started which h he did and was arrested a few times...take care love x
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Post by punished victim on Nov 27, 2016 15:06:55 GMT
do not leave and then call the police because they will do nothing as you are not considered at risk. you have to tell people first, this was my mistake and it ended up costing me everything. if there is no evidence, or not enough evidence he can say you just made it all up and portray you as the bad one and end up with the kid. do not retaliate when he is shouting at you. this is the worst thing for your child to see. i know its hard but try to stay calm. fight or flight is naturally coursing through your very soul but when it comes to a soulless court it can go horribly wrong.
get good legal advice before you do anything, ask as many solicitors as you can and consider your options very carefully.
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Post by susan on Nov 27, 2016 18:03:13 GMT
Not disputing anything u say but the police were wonderful with me after I left I wouldnt of dared to call them whilst I was still with him...just my experience which I was giving that's all...I never know which part of the world anyone is from and I suppose different countries treat it differently too
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misterm
Member
https://b2aware.wordpress.com/
Posts: 65
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Post by misterm on Nov 27, 2016 20:35:10 GMT
you were one of the lucky ones susan i am happy for you.
my experience was the exact opposite, the police in england saw that i was in a safe place with my family so did nothing, same goes for child services. i followed the advice offered by many domestic violence services to the letter. escaped when the abuser was out without telling them, got to a safe place and did not inform them where, told the police, tried to get court orders to stop the abuse and protect my children.
i hadnt dared to do anything before for fear of making things worse and my isolation meant i had nobody else to turn to. however, this played a part in the judge believing the manipulative lies of my tormentor. i got fined for moral damages (they were 'so' upset that i left without telling them), the kids went to the abuser, they kept all my worldly belongings (i just escaped with essentials and they wont give me any of my things back) and have now cut all contact between me and my children. things could not have gone worse for me or my kids.
just saying, get all the legal advice you can, collect evidence and tell everyone before you make the move.
just know they will go to the most extreme lengths to cover the abuse. they will tell the most outrageous and hurtful lies, even get their friends to lie, to paint you in the worst light possible. they will take any little thing you have or have not done and use it against you. they will invent the most despicable character, in my case they were actually describing themselves, and claim this is you and produce false evidence to prove it. they will discredit your friends and family and any documents you produce. they have everything to lose if they are found out so expect them to throw everything and anything at you.
sorry 'notsurewhattodo' for putting it like that but you have to be prepared. plan it well, have courage, stay strong and never give up. i wish you all the luck in the world and hope everything works out for the best.
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Post by susan on Nov 27, 2016 20:46:20 GMT
Yeah I agree get all the advice necessary and I feel for u it went so wrong for u xx I too am from UK but the support being so different x
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Post by notsurewhattodo on Nov 28, 2016 17:42:51 GMT
I am in Canada so I don't know if things would be different here. He has hit me 3 times in our 4 year relationship not beatings but slaps, two on the face one on the back. He even says things like I want to punch you in the face or I should throw you through the window to see if you can fly. Then he plays it off like he was trying to break the tension. I don't want my daughter being brought up in a house like this. Even after he is aggressive toward me I try to explain to him that there are better ways to get his feelings across. If things are not going his way he will tell me to shut up and to just stop talking, he won't even let me explain myself.
The latest situation was when he was dropping me off at my parents for a few days with my daughter, he started to become rude to me and basically told me to stop talking as I am not good at explaining myself. So I told him I thought it was time to leave, he gets even more pissy with me and gets up and is ready to leave. I ask if he is going to say goodbye to his daughter and I get up to apologize to him and hug him good bye he says get away from him and fu*k off. And he still leaves without saying goodbye to his daughter.
No matter how mad he is at me he should never have left without hugging his daughter goodbye.
I texted him later on and again apologized he said I hurt him so much then I said it was time for him to leave he just wanted to leave immediately....Um what about all the times you call me horrible things and when I try to tell him they are not appropriate or they hurt me he tells me to shut up and stop talking!!!
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 29, 2016 1:24:12 GMT
Hi notsure..your partner sounds like a really abusive guy. I am wondering if your parents would be a source of support to you and your daughter? Meaning could you live with them?
My initial thought though is if you are interested in talking to someone directly..call a local or national domestic violence hotline and tell them your situation. They will be able to give you some support and feedback on what may be helpful to you to consider.
I would also suggest..if it is safe..for you to begin to learn more about domestic violence and what this guy is doing to you. He is ABUSIVE and you are right..your baby will experience it as well. We tend to tell ourselves.."Oh he wouldn't hurt the children". Well yes they would. I have been divorced for just about 16 months. I know you think "divorce" hurts the kids. DIVORCE hurts everyone. BUT..being in an abusive home is worse than a divorce. My children are still adjusting to the divorce..but they don't miss the tension, they don't miss the abuse they saw put on me, and they don't walk on eggshells anymore. It has disrupted our family life..no doubt. BUT my kids are happier, they are less stressed and they see me happy and living the life I have wanted for so long.
Was it easy? No..but is anything that is worthwhile easy to obtain? There were times when I thought about going back to my now ex because it was "easier"..but it really wasn't. My daughters and I are very close, we are happy, they have learned to put their Dad in perspective and they have said that while going through the divorce was horrible at times, they now see that it was necessary.
One thing from your post that I noticed..is your attempts to reason with this guy. As you are finding..reasoning with him will get you no where. You are not going to win an argument with him. You can try because it may feel good to fight back..but there is no way he is ever going to let you feel like you have "made sense" or that your opinion mattered. TO HIM IT DOESN"T. THAT IS THE ABUSE. Once you begin to see what he is doing? It honestly is easier to not respond. Apologizing, wanting him to hug your daughter. Notsure..I know you love him and want him to be different. HE ISN"T GOING TO CHANGE..there is nothing you can do to change this guy. THE ONLY PERSON THAT MATTERS HERE IS HIM!!!
I know you are confused. If you can...really educate yourself on domestic violence. YOUR PARTNER IS ABUSIVE and he has been for years. HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE ANY DIFFERENT THAN HE IS NOW. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM>>THe only thing you can do is change how you respond to him. AND when you have the knowledge you need to really see that what he does isn't love..you then may be ready to leave. I don't mean to sound harsh.
ABUSERS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE..what they feel is NOT LOVE. When you LOVE someone you don't hit them and tell them they provoked you, or you deserved it, or next time you will think twice before you speak. THAT IS NOT LOVE> THAT IS CONTROL AND MANIPULATION and your partner is not going to change..EVER. IF anything,. he will get WORSE.
Lunday Bancroft wrote a great book called "WHY DOES HE DO THAT?" it is the best book I have read in explaining all things related to DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. It opened my eyes to the major relationships I have been in and they ALL have been abusive. Each one worse than the other. PLEASE READ IT..it will help you understand what this man is doing.
You do not deserve any of this, you are not the cause of his ABUSIVENESS and you did not cause him to be abusive.
I know you are not ready to leave..but someday, I hope you come to the conclusion that leaving is the only way to find happiness.
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Post by notsurewhattodo on Dec 2, 2016 17:43:23 GMT
Thank you for this, is there anyone who can relate or has any input.
Our latest argue is due apparently to the way I communicate and the fact that I don't get to the point of a story quick enough, he says I am incapable of learning and I should respect him.
I said I deserve the same respect and he said no it has to be won back its not automatic and the fact that I don't communicate well I guess allows him to speak to me the way he does.
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Post by susan on Dec 3, 2016 6:58:53 GMT
Pm u x
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Post by penny on Apr 19, 2017 5:08:08 GMT
U should ring the DV hotline if ur able to discuss the legalities u r worrying about...do u have family u can go to initially cos it seems u need some support to deal with all this and being on ur own with ur little 1 will be quite daunting...u say u Ave little confidence which is probably as result of the way ur being treated u will find the strength deep inside to make the break...u r not being selfish at all ur being very logical and trying to be safe...He is going to plead and beg with u so u have pity on him and u need to stay strong and determined in ur decision...All this reads to me that he's at the control point and instilling the fear and the threats of what he feels like doing he will eventually do he obviously thinks a headlock is ok...I know how ur feeling my love only I didn't have children which is a whole other ball game...take it 1 step at a time try not to fill ur head with all the worries everything will fall into place..my first step I went to my brothers then I got legal advice and involved the police/courts for protection orders getting my safety net in order if he started which h he did and was arrested a few times...take care love x
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Post by penny james duke on Apr 19, 2017 5:10:53 GMT
My husband of just over 2 years is verbally abusive. Not all the time and sometimes we have a wonderful relationship. However, he calls me bitch, cunt, stupid, retarded, idiot on a regular basis and then justifies why I am those things and most of the time he can make a valid argument. However, even if he is correct I don't think the name calling is appropriate. We have a 17 months old girl and this goes on in front of her. He also yells when he is angry and calls it raising his voice, I don't want this behavior in my house with our daughter it is making me yell back which I don't normally do but have no other way to express myself.
One little example is when I told him I was going to bring my fruit to work for a second day, well he called me idiot and fucken stupid because "you can't take the same fruit two days in a row because it starts to go bad" and he is trying to keep me safe that is why he is harsh.
I am not a confident driver so I let him drive, so that is point of contention between us and he calls me weak because I don't drive.
He has put me in headlocks a few times saying he is trying to break the tension or make me apologize. It doesn't "hurt", like I know he is not going to break something but when I ask him to stop he says he likes to hurt me or I am being a wet blanket.
On occasion when we are arguing he tells me he would like to throw me out the window or put my head through a wall. Of course he says this is to break the tension or says at least he is not calling me names and this is an improvement.
Anyways in order to keep this short I will end it here although I can go on forever.
My question is am I being selfish if I take my daughter and leave, he has yelled once in her face to shut up shut up shut up or what do you want what do you want what do you want (I can't remember which one) he has said things to her like why are you crying your just a girl and some man will own you some day. He says he is joking about the later one but its not funny to me and she can't understand yet but she will one day.
My other question is is it possible he would get custody if I leave, do I have to prove the abuse, I have a job right now but won't if I move out because I would leave the city, does that affect custody. Does my driving ability affect this also???
I don't want to harm her by staying but I read it can harm the child if you divorce.....I have no idea what to do I am so confused. I love her so much and don't want her growing up to hate me because of it.
Please help!
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Post by lisa22 on Mar 1, 2018 20:07:24 GMT
Hi, I am in Canada too, if I were in your shoes I would live him, do not tell him, just leave then go to police department near you. This is what I did exactly when I left first time with my daughter, if you have nowhere to stay find a shelter, you can be staying there up to 3 months. Tell police everything he will be charged and then you can even ask police to escort you to you house to pick up your stuff. Over the last 9 years I had a few experiences with police some were good some were shit. I just hope you are safe and good, Good luck, stay strong, Lisa
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