Post by Mo on Apr 5, 2014 11:56:01 GMT
Hi, I've written before about my verbally abusive marriage, and received fantastic and encouraging words from Janine. Although I'm still in the marriage, for the moment, I really feel as though I'm growing stronger day by day. I now stand up to my abuser, and refuse to take any crap from him. More often than not he will back down and leave me alone. No matter how often we 'discuss' the future and going our separate ways,he always does the same - NOTHING! For someone who claims to hate me as much as he does, he doesn't seem very keen to start the process of divorce. At first, I thought this was because deep down, he really did care for me and couldn't bear the thought of me leaving. WRONG!!!WRONG!!WRONG!!!As usual, my ego got in the way again!! the things he can't bear to part with are property and money (what little there is !!) He seems quite content to exist within a loveless, sexless marriage. He has made NO effort to change (apart from saying he will), and I seem to be expected to hang around for the next few months and years while he shows me how much he can change with no outside help whatsoever. We've been down this road so many times before. Me hoping that he means it and spending years waiting to see if the change is permanent -It never is. Something, or somebody can trigger his rages, and I'm the one who suffers. I've had 30 years of it. The good times were great but now are non-existent. We live in a weird twilight of a life, and I'm terrified - IS THIS IT!
There is someone in my life who has been in the background for years, I met him through work,we liked, and got on with each other instantly, he was a customer at a cafe I worked in a few years back, and over the years, a friendship grew between us, he is also friends with some of my best friends.There was never anything more than this. He has recently become aware of my circumstances, and is keen to move our friendship to a proper relationship.I like and value him very much in my life,and the more I get to know him the deeper my feelings for him are becoming. For a while I tried to blank him out of my life- I didn't want him getting messed up in the car-crash of my life, I even tried to pair him off with a single friend of mine but, he made it clear his feelings were for me. I've been trying to deny my feelings for him. At the same time I feel guilty for dreaming and imagining a life with him knowing I'm still married, and what would my grown-up kids think of their old mum with a new man . My marriage vows have been very sacred to me and I know my marriage is dead now but, a 30year habit is hard to break.On the other hand,I feel so lucky to have such a special, gentle person in my life of whom no-one has a bad word to say against, and who finds the whole idea of abuse in any form abhorrent. He can't understand why I've put up with such intolerable behaviour for so long -I've had to enlighten him about the Stockholm syndrome!! The thing is, although I have all the right feelings for this person - I'm scared! Scared of the shit hitting the fan , and making that leap into the unknown. Yet, I totally agree with what my best friends say - if I don't grab this chance at happiness, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
There is someone in my life who has been in the background for years, I met him through work,we liked, and got on with each other instantly, he was a customer at a cafe I worked in a few years back, and over the years, a friendship grew between us, he is also friends with some of my best friends.There was never anything more than this. He has recently become aware of my circumstances, and is keen to move our friendship to a proper relationship.I like and value him very much in my life,and the more I get to know him the deeper my feelings for him are becoming. For a while I tried to blank him out of my life- I didn't want him getting messed up in the car-crash of my life, I even tried to pair him off with a single friend of mine but, he made it clear his feelings were for me. I've been trying to deny my feelings for him. At the same time I feel guilty for dreaming and imagining a life with him knowing I'm still married, and what would my grown-up kids think of their old mum with a new man . My marriage vows have been very sacred to me and I know my marriage is dead now but, a 30year habit is hard to break.On the other hand,I feel so lucky to have such a special, gentle person in my life of whom no-one has a bad word to say against, and who finds the whole idea of abuse in any form abhorrent. He can't understand why I've put up with such intolerable behaviour for so long -I've had to enlighten him about the Stockholm syndrome!! The thing is, although I have all the right feelings for this person - I'm scared! Scared of the shit hitting the fan , and making that leap into the unknown. Yet, I totally agree with what my best friends say - if I don't grab this chance at happiness, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.