Thankyou to everyone who wrote comments on this thread, reading it has made me feel so much better. I have been plagued with feelings of 'maybe it WAS my fault he went so far', which of course is what he told me, it was always somehow my fault just a little. No other woman had pushed him so far apparently and caused him to be so violent. I am torn between wanting her to be treated the same and figure it out and not wanting her to feel the pain I feel.
I suspect my feelings of self-doubt are the main reason I attract people like this, he is not my first.
Reading all of your words makes me feel less alone and I too am FREE!
Hi Che, I am so glad you found some freedom! And I am glad you don't feel alone. Anytime you need to post or just vent your thoughts or feelings, feel free to do so. People check in here on and off, so you will get some kind of a response.
That feeling of being torn between warning her and letting her find out on her own? Very normal. You could try and warn her, I promise you she won't listen. If someone had warned you, would you have listened or thought that they were just a jilted lover? Abusers lie, they do it all the time and most of them are incredibly skilled at it. Whatever he told you about his ex..I would almost bet you it is either exaggerated or a lie. My ex-boyfriend was the worst of 3 relationships of abusers. He lied to me all the time, he lied a lot about his ex-wife(he cheated on her by hooking up with me). He painted her to be a terrible person. She and I are now friends on social media. Turns out, she is nothing like he said. She is nice and she completely forgave me, she actually thanked me for giving her a reason to leave his sorry a$$. He is now married to another woman, he met her 4 weeks after he kicked me out of his house.
I tried to warn this lady, I told her of the crap he did to me and she felt sorry for me initially, she said she saw it too, but she had been abused before and she believed she was going to treat him like crap if he even started to treat her terribly. I am sure he painted me in a very ugly light to her. They got married 9 months after they met. I felt bad for her initially when she told me of some of the stuff he was doing, but she went back to him and now they are married. Part of me hopes she is miserable. Because she hurt me by agreeing with me, then taking his side later on (he tried to get back together with me 3 months before they got married, I told her and she didn't care).
Your feelings of self-doubt may open you up to being vulnerable and that may be why you attract a certain type of guy, but also, that guy is looking for a certain type of woman and they can sense who they can "hook", again, they are very skilled at this. It isn't your fault. I do believe that talking to a good counselor can help you to figure out the "type" of guy you attract and why. It may help you to begin to figure out the kind of person you would want to be in a relationship with. If you really sit and look at the guys you have been with, a pattern will start to emerge and it may help you to figure out how to change who you are attracted to.. I actually analyzed the kind of guys i would date. It was very interesting to see the pattern emerge. It helped me when going forward and to determine the kind of guy I wanted to share my life with.