steve
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Post by steve on Apr 17, 2014 20:43:48 GMT
The Wizard is a great analogy for an abusive partner. He projects all this power and intimidation, and actually sends Dorothy and her companions to almost certain death in exchange for a promise he has no way to fulfill. And in reality, he is a very weak and incompetent person who needs this giant projection of power to keep anyone from seeing who he really is, namely, a coward and a bully. And I like the idea that Dorothy didn't need the Wizard in the end and could go home as soon as she realized that the power was in her hands (or her feet, in this case!) Also, the scarecrow, lion and woodsman all recognized that they had all the brains, courage and heart they needed without the "help" of the fake authority figure represented by the Wizard.
When we realize that we don't need our moms or dads or partners to convey their power and authority to us, that we ourselves have the power to recreate our lives and our images the way that we want and need them to be, the abusers stop having power over us. Once you have seen that "the man behind the curtain" is a fraud, you just can't go back to believing in the Wizard any more.
Are you two sure you didn't have the same mom? They sure sound like they went to abusive mom training together. Maybe you're secret sisters!
---- Steve
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Post by Janine 1984 on Apr 18, 2014 0:34:55 GMT
Yeah I really liked how the author of that book tied it together like that- and it makes it easier to remember that your shoes are at your own feet.  It is for sure nice to find others who understand here and I saw my counselor has the same books I read in his office, so he is aware of narcissistic personalities and I have a good feeling about the work we are doing so far. The hardest part is always the walk on the fine line of really knowing the stuff canNOT possibly be normal...but then STILL rationalizing behavior away that i would tell others is 100% abusive. Pff...getting there with patience and practice and two steps forward, then one back and two forward! |
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finallyfree
Member
He's been found guilty....feeling great!!
Posts: 20 
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Post by finallyfree on Apr 18, 2014 22:59:18 GMT
Hehee secret sisters...love it  ) |
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Post by jeannie812 on May 12, 2014 4:08:48 GMT
I don't think anyone had the best parents. My dad interrogated me under the light bulb while he thumped his middle finger thumping on table, and my mother whipped me with the belt. It's issues that I still deal with on a subconsciousness level. If I had done something wicked, then I would understand the whipping. But, I got whipped just because I didn't move fast enough for their liking. My dad never trusted me and was punishing me when I didn't do anything wrong. So after years of doing the time, I started doing the crime. To this day I am a nervous wreck, moving so fast! I was told I go through the grocery store like a Black Friday shopper on steroids.
Janine You started this post out with why you got into abusive relationship. It's not that you seeked them out. I think that abusers seek us out. Abusive people seek out victims and they see that look of uncertainty about us. And we stand there like a deer in the headlights as they hand us a line of bull.
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Post by Janine 1984 on May 12, 2014 13:13:59 GMT
Hey Jeannie, I like the analogy you gave with the deer in the headlights. So true! I think if you come from a home where love and violence (emotional or physical) were always mixed up in confusing and sick ways and you always felt like walking on eggshells around your parents (or one parent) that is a good breeding ground to become a woman who is just so much in need for looking for love and be loved. I totally agree with you, that abusers seek out women who are easier to be pushed into the controlled role. For one I think because we had to learn the hard way that others have the right to choose how we feel- and that we need others in order to know if what we did was good enough (walk to the grocery store for you, in my case this includes all chores at home and later my choice for a profession)
It sounds like you experienced traumatic abuse in your childhood as well. And as much as I believe all parents make mistakes, there is a clear line between abuse and being human. My best friend for example has a wonderful mother. She has been married to her dad for over 40 years. And she did sometimes lash out and gave her kids a soft slap on the butt when she just couldn't handle fulltime work and the three kids at home - one with special needs.
The difference between her mother and mine is, that HER mother always apologized in a sincere way. She explained to her kids how mommy was so tired and that she had no right to do that, that nobody has a right to hit anyone.
My best friend has a very healthy relationship with her parents now as a grown up, her mom feels like a real mom even to me- and it is funny how HER mother would say I am always welcome by heart and can have a key to their home if I need it. And mine...well last time we touched the issue she wrote me a letter saying she does not allow me to further question why she asked for the keys back my brother and I had until we were 19 (without explanation- just from one day to the next "home" was no longer a place I was welcomed.
She also wasn't there when I needed help after the abuser.
I think often women stay longer, or think the abuser is not sooo bad since....often times it might feel as if that man is the only "home", the only source of love.
In my case I almost went back just because coming to this cold house where my parents did not want me to be- felt worse than being with a controlling man in a way.
Have you had counseling about what happened in your childhood? My brother was whipped with a belt by my father- although even back then it was already legally called child abuse and now allowed and punishable by law in my country....
I especially liked how you wrote "look of uncertainty" - I couldnt agree more.
I now learned how I used to just jump at the first promise of "love" and warmth- since I lacked it from home.
If you do not feel safe, welcomed and accepted at home with your parents....you have to learn how to find it within you- and that does take time and often help I find.
Had I been more certain about who I am, what I want, what I deserve, what I will not allow someone else to do with me,.....I do not think I had dated 90% of the guys so far. Only after the serious abuser I just knew something has to change. My mother plays now a little to no role in my life- and I haven't dated an abuser in many years.
Now I stand back and observe- how are people REALLY talking like, what are they saying? Can I detect abuse right away? Often the red flags are soooo obvious if you know what to look for. I feel as if this is a gift- you learn it the hard way but ...you did learn it!!! Amazing!!
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