In a limbo

During my relationship with my ex husband who was then a boyfriend, in the first year things seemed great. In the second year he left to attend college and I was just a senior in high school finishing up.  We were apart 3 years, so it was long distance relationship.  With in the second year he admitted that he had a relationship with a girl, a family member of his.  He only informed me about this because his relative that he had been having relations with informed some other people that I knew and so eventually I was going to be informed about it.  I guess he was ONLY sorry he got caught.  As he apologized he also threatened to drink himself to suicide.  At the time I was young and naive and blindly in love.  Although I was shocked, hurt and felt like I was in a bad dream hoping to wake up from, it wasn't, it was real and I didn't know what to do.  All I thought of was how much I loved this person and that I should forgive him and give him another chance IF he agreed to work on making the relationship stronger and open. With in the third year we got together and attended college together.  Things seemed fine until he started missing classes because he hated experiencing the "college life and experiences" that we had to go through.  We were financially dependent on work study and scholarships and those were still not enough to keep (him) a decent living.  He wanted a car; transportation was hard not to have and to depend on a unreliable bus transportation was not helpful at all.  So knowing that I was going into a semester with my classes requiring practicums which meant I needed a reliable transportation, he talked about getting a vehicle to help with my studies and I agreed as well.  Along with that discussion, he shared with me how he planned to make that possible, he wanted to take student loans out and asked me to also sign in, and stupidly enough I did.  With in the third year of our relationship I started noticing his constant nag on his and my finances.  He would ask what my balance was on my bank accounts, to keep track of what I was spending on, and as well as keep track of his spending's too.  At first I felt like he trusted me and wanted me involved in taking care of both our finances but shortly after I started hating to keep track of the finances.  He would blame me for the amount that was in the account and questioned why and how the amount got to that and that I'm a spoiled brat impulsive shopper.  All I know is, when we got paid I just wanted to restock food and basic needs.  On the other hand, he would complain about his clothes and that its getting too old and ragged up and that I also need to dress up like a girl and fix myself up and look decent.  So he went shopping.  The money I had he used and asked for and kept track of and borrowed to pay for his credit card debts.  A few months later he got into an auto accident caused by a drunk driver.  He was fortunate he got out alive but no serious injuries besides bruised and marked up on his back, shoulder, arm and broken toe nail.  The car that we had bought was totaled and we got a refund that was enough to get another car that he had wanted.  I started taking part time classes and full time work while he stopped both to recuperate after his accident.  I talked with him to get the drunk driver sued but he just wanted nothing with that and that he just wanted to rest from all the school, work, accident and stress.  I understood and agreed considering his health.  For 2 years he took rest from all that while he helped himself doing some work outs.  He started to feel the financial stress as I was the only one bringing income in and blamed me for his unfortunate situation.  He received letters about his student loans and I tried to help him resolve the matter before it got serious but he did not want to do anything. He asked me to do it for him.  I called and inquired about options on repayment before default and I talked with him about it and he just did not want to do anything about it.  He kept telling me that what ever I was told was only to trap him down and found out where his whereabouts and that later he would be pinned to pay more than he could.  No matter what help was there or what I tried to do for him to help him he hated, rejected and blamed me for all of it.  A few years later he moved to the mainland to live with his brother hoping to gain a greener pasture.  That plan did not work out so well.  After receiving his degree from college he eventually got a job and so did I.  We both paid for rent and utilities and neccessities.  We were living paycheck to paycheck.  When I wanted to start paying for my student loans that offered an affordable plan, he started telling me I was selfish and that why was I going to start doing something like that when he was also in default of his student loans.  He stopped me from my attempt to try to fix our finances.  He was always bothered and disturbed with financial matters it got to the point of criticizing me, putting me down, name calling me, humiliating me in public, threatening to throw me out of the house, telling me things that were hurtful to the core of my being.  Knowing all of that and a continued treatment of verbal and emotional hurt, I married the man.  Days and nights and hours and minutes and months and years, it became worse and worse to the point of being isolated from my family and him threatening to hurt my devil stupid trash spoiled fanatic family.  He always compared me to my family or my mom and named called them.  He would tell me things like, its best not to be with families who will only hurt and bring you down.  He hated my family, he didn't want anything to do with them.  When he'd come home he wanted a clean home, cooked meals and massage him from a long day work.  If I didn't do any of those, he'd start throwing things around, say things like Im a lazy Bitch, good for nothing, filthy, dirty, spoiled, etc.  Mind you, I worked as well and came home exhausted from teaching, and I still had to pick up after his mess and even if there wasnt any mess I still had to make the home exquisitely clean and shiny or else I'd get lectures that occured for hours as I find myself falling asleep to.  If I fell asleep he'd shook me, throw me off the bed, stripped the covers off me, or throw punches on the wall, table anything to get my attention, I wasn't allowed to sleep until he was done.  Sometimes this would occur until 4 in the early morning.  I was exhausted, stressed, tired, nauseated, fatigued, disgusted, depressed, had cold like symptoms almost every week of every month I eventually had pneumonia every 3 months that I had to take antibiotics every 10 days of the month.  I took tests and gave samples that were sent off for lab tests and came back with no explanation but that I had pneumonia and that it was probably stress that was triggering the illness.  In addition to that I also had trouble with my menstrual cycle.  I missed my cycle for 5 years.  Twice a year I'd have 3 days cycle and the rest was absent.  In addition to that I was gaining massively.  From a 125 to 200lbs.  I felt alone, trapped, disgusted at myself for letting me down and allowing myself to go through all the nasty treatment that was in fact the factor to my stress level and triggering my ailment and illnesses.  I hated him.  I was angry, I was disgusted at him for telling me he loved me, hurt me, apologized over and over and no change but same crap that got worse and worse.  Then one night, he told me he wanted to leave again to the mainland for good for greener pasture since he felt that he was prepared and stable enough to do so than his first attempt.  I told him I didn't agree to the idea and that we both had to agree to the matter and if we both didnt we needed to find a point to agree or agree to disagree.  He was pissed and ranted on how I had ruined his credit, his education, his life, his money, his future and that I was a mistake, he wished he had never met me and that he wished he was far and away from me and everyone.  I finally told him to go and go for good and that he would need to agree and accept that there will be drastic changes.  He continued to rant and threw tantrums and this time along with his verbal weapon, he also pulled out a physical weapon, a kitchen knife and came right at me and told me that I was going to die.  I remembered feeling nervous, and praying not to die I wasn't ready, I was calmly asking him to stop and begged him to not hurt me but he stared at me and continued to tell me I was going to die tonight.  I don't know how long that commotion happened but I was nervous I felt like I was going to panic and right after he put the knife down he held me tight I didnt know if he was stabbing me and I was just too nervous to feel it, at this moment I cried myself out loudly and was looking for the knife he was holding only to see the knife on the floor and he was actually trying to hug me and calm me down as at this moment I was panicking. I was having short breaths I felt that I was having one of my anxiety panic attacks.  He covered my mouth as I yelled for help and held me and told me he was sorry.  Eventually he led me go and he left the house.  I was still in shock, was in a panic state, I felt nauseated and puked after realizing I was almost going to be stabbed.  He left 2 weeks later to the mainland and this time he told me he was going to make our future better.  I didn't care for his empty promises and for the first time I felt like I was free.  4 months after he had left, I told him I wanted a divorce. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I was honest and informed him that I was.  This made him rant and rant and told me that he will file for the divorce.  The divorce became final but even after that he continues to email me and rant about how he is hurt that I had an affair. Shortly after he emailed me and informed me he was happier and that he met someone else who he is happier with and that I could continue to live my dirty life. Although I apologized he still denies that I am selfish and never apologized for the hurt that I caused him.  I even offered to attend counseling with him but he continues to put me down and criticize me and threatens me.  Just recently he emailed me asking me to sign and notarize a letter he wants me to create regarding how and what I plan to do to fix a debt that we both shared.  He called me selfish and that my true colors have shown as I am ignoring the debt and depend on him to pay for.  He told me he was in peace and that he would be happier with time and continued to make assumptions of my happiness with another and that I should be in peace as well.  In all his emails he tells me not to email him ever and then a few weeks later he is the one emailing me.  I've informed him to move on with as he clearly stated that I was a good riddance and that he was happier so why continue to put me down and bother me and move along.  He emailed me and told me I was right and that I was never a good riddance but that I was his everything his life but unfortunately I found happiness with another and that life took me away from him...I feel disgusted and hurt with him contacting me and labeling me and making assumptions and analyzing things that are none of his concerns any longer.  I've blocked this person from emailing me but he used another email address to get through.  I dont want to have any communications with this person but he continues to bother me.