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Post by beary on Feb 23, 2014 9:35:07 GMT
It's a bit of a long story so please bare with me...
1 and 1/2 years ago I left my abusive boyfriend after 8 years together. We live in a forgien country on a small island and all my family are in England.
The only escape I had was my work at an animal shelter and that was actually where I met my current boyfriend, he gave me the strength to do what I had desperately wanted to do for such a long time.
I am extremely lucky in the fact that I now have a wonderful man that loves me and is very understanding, he knows all about the abuse I suffered and has been very patient and caring.
I suppose the thing of it is still living on such a small island knowing my ex could be around any corner, even after I left he continued to harass me for several months and we had to involve the police.
He has a new girlfriend now so had gone quite which is great!
I lost my job in August and since then have been home all day, everyday with no car. My boyfriend works during the day and I have been using the time to study to open a business of my own.
The things is with all the time alone I have now my mind goes into overdrive, I keep obsessing about the things I experienced . My ex destroyed the person I used to be, I lived in fear and sadness for so long that now I feel lost trying to remember who I really am.
Even getting dressed can be an issue because he used to tell me what to wear. Sometimes I feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, I know the real me is there somewhere but I get so afraid.
Just yesterday the drain in the shower blocked and I spend the whole day in panic about how my boyfriend will react. Of course he comes home and is completely lovely but then I feel annoyed at myself for getting worried in the first place.
I just get so tired sometimes, I know I have this great new opportunity with someone who really loves me, sometimes I worry I will end up pushing him away if I can't let go of the past.
Thanks for listening xx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 23, 2014 18:00:16 GMT
Hey you and welcome here,
I am glad you got away from the abusive Ex! This stuff really can get to the soul. Is there a shelter in your island where you live or on the mainland close by? Because usually those have free hotlines and even though you are no longer in an abusive relationship- they can still help you deal with the aftermath and maybe set you up with counseling. Sometimes we need a few meetings or conversations with a health professional to bounce back to a normal balance after such an experience.
It is not your fault what happened and it probably doesnt help that you have a lot of time alone now. Is there a way you can find a position again where you are? Or maybe move with your current partner to a more busy area in the country you are at? Like a bigger city on the mainland etc. just to have more opportunities etc.
One thing that would be nice to learn -- and its tough after being abused- is that nobody-- NOBODY has the right to hurt or harm you. Even your partner right now. Of course thats so much easier said than done. But it was why we got stuck with an abuser in the first place- we feel guilty and as if we dont deserve to feel in charge of our lives and destiny.
Maybe a change of scenery might be healthy for you to move on from the experience. I too lived on a small island far from home when I worked in Australia (I am from Europe too) and met the abusive Ex back then. I left because it felt like too much to live in the same small community. Small island can be a blessing and a curse. And besides hospitality often times there arent too many job opportunities.
Hang in there, youll heal over time. Its not your fault how you feel and very, very normal!!! You just try to make sense of something terrible that happened to you.
We have all been there, it does get better!!!!
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Post by beary on Feb 23, 2014 19:57:57 GMT
Hi janine, Thank you so much for your answer. I was feeling very down this morning but I've snapped out of it a bit now. I spent time with my two cats and did some flower pressing which I haven't done since I was a child. I think it's still about taking each day as it comes and understanding that some will be worse than others. I have joined some pages on Facebook (under a false name) that offer Reiki and healing and I think that will help a lot. Unfortunately the island I live on is very small (you can go from one end to the other in 45 minutes) they are no shelters or any place I could get help but I think I will start writing again as that you to help me a lot when I was younger and at least I can get out the things I am feeling. My boyfriend actually told me when he got home that he knows of a job I might be able to do so that would be great, good things are always possible sometimes it just takes time. On the good days I feel like it's all coming into place it's just on the bad days... Sometimes I scare myself with how dark my mind can get. I guess I just have to hold out for more good days  Thanks again xx |
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Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 23, 2014 20:22:05 GMT
The mind can go very dark places when we feel stuck and lost. It is hard for anyone unemployed to keep happy thoughts- let alone under difficult circumstances like having survived abuse. Be proud of how far you have come and follow your heart- it knows what activities can ease the pain and help you adjust and change your life. It sounds like your current partner is very supportive and that will help you heal. Take it day by day, like you said!
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Post by jeannie812 on Feb 25, 2014 5:43:41 GMT
Yes, I get that crazy mindset in winter. I keep replaying all the abuse, cause I'm stuck in house, gas prices are so high that taking a drive is out of the question, gotta make every trip count.
Try a hobby in the home. Whether you try growing veggies in the house, or learning a new language on the computer, or for the hell of it, try selling dust bunny's on eBay.
I have to keep busy by hauling in firewood. But not everyone has this diversion.
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Post by beary on Feb 25, 2014 17:46:49 GMT
You're both right I think I need to concentrate on keeping myself busy. I think in a way I naively believed that now that I have someone who treats my right all the issues would just fade away but that really is just a part of it. No matter how much he tells me the things I need to hear, until I accept that it's over now it never will be. My mother is an alcoholic an was always very hurtful to me and my father never thought I was good enough, after a while you start to believe that what they say is true. All in all I have spent my whole life never feeling good enough and being disgusted at myself for being so useless. I'm starting to see that it takes time to undo all of that programming. When I read some of the stories on here I know that I am very lucky compared to a lot of other women and I wish all of them the luck I have had at finding someone who makes you finally feel enough. It's just made me realise I have a lot more to heal than I thought but I am grateful that I am now in a position to do that, tomorrow's another day and hopefully it's a good one Thank you all for listening, it's really helped more than you know xx |
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Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 26, 2014 23:27:00 GMT
It is tough to deal with emotional abuse like you and many of us here experienced as children and young adults. Having parents who introduce you to an unhealthy relationship model can lead to a higher risk of entering an abusive relationship later in life as well. However, also children from healthy families can fall for such a partner-- they are just so good at their abuse and we do not educate teenagers enough about DV yet.
Even though you might find your own story not as "bad" as the one of others here- you DO have a good right to feel sad about not having had loving and supportive parents and your story counts just as much and is just as equally important. Sometimes the mental abuse can leave deeper wounds than a slap from a partner or parent. It really does help to get professional support even if it is just in form of meeting a counselor once a week for a few weeks. Maybe you can arrange something so you can go to the mainland for that- also many counselors now offer a mix of skype/online counseling sessions and then a few in person in their practice. That is especially for people in remote areas or business people who travel a lot.
It is also completely normal to WANT to be loved and treated right. If you didnt get that as a child, that child is still hurting inside of you. Ideally of course many therapists would agree that it is better to heal yourself first, feel complete and content and then find a new partner- but realistically....we are all human beings and crave connection. If your new partner is safe and loving- you can heal and have the relationship at the same time. Nobody has a right to tell you how to heal from your Ex or what to do. Only YOU have the right to feel what is right and what is not.
You are enough. It is not your fault that your parents were unable or unwilling to do their job right.
You deserve to be loved and are a very valuable human being!!!! I am sure over the next few weeks you will find a good position, maybe volunteer again and see on the long run you are here for a reason and you have purpose.
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