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Feb 19, 2014 17:49:22 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 19, 2014 17:49:22 GMT
I am 27 and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. My partner is 35. He first got physical 2 years ago, but it has really escalated in the last 4-5 months and I'm really scared. He has been talking marriage and I've said no, so I think that is partially fueling it. I have left him before but I come back because he is all I have. I'm not in my native country and although I have a passport, I don't have the money to get back home. My parents and I don't talk much. We had a falling out over me moving to the U.S. with him. When I first moved, they would call only to beg me to come back and it upset me, so he started answering the phone and telling them I wasn't home when I was. After a few months, they stopped calling as much. Maybe once every couple of months. I started feeling bad about it and wanted to talk to them, but he said it was better this way. I agreed in order to keep the peace. They don't call anymore. And now the more time that passes, the harder it mentally gets to pick up the phone. Plus I'm afraid of what he might do at this point if he found out.
I almost wish someone would find bruises or some other evidence on me and figure out the truth and help me get out, because I can't bring myself to just tell someone. I rehearse the scene in my head over and over, but when it comes down to it, the words don't come. But he's smart, and he knows how to get what he wants without leaving marks. He doesn't touch my face or neck, and he doesn't hit. He grabs, squeezes, twists, he digs his knees into my back or ribs. I have a dull achiness all the time, especially in my back, all the way from my neck to my hips. I feel bruised but I'm not. People notice the stiffness and how much ibuprofen I pop and tell me I should really see a chiropractor. Then I go off and cry because I know a chiropractor can't help me. And my partner knows he doesn't have to do much to get his way anymore. Even a hug hurts. When I threaten to leave, he reminds me that even my own parents don't seem to care anymore, that no one loves me like he does. But I am at the point where I would rather be on my own and alone than living like this. I just don't know where to start. I have no job, no money.
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Feb 19, 2014 19:15:38 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 19, 2014 19:15:38 GMT
Hey Jewel and welcome here,
It sounds like your partner is very abusive and has isolated you- so that you feel completely dependent on him. Have you though about contacting a local DV (Domestic Violence) shelter or the national DV hotline? The U.S. is a very, very modern country when it comes to the handling of DV situations - they even hand out pamphlets with information about your rights and support options should you become a victim of abuse when you enter the country as a female partner of a U.S. citizen.
(Which is great but on the other hand it makes me wonder how on earth did we allow a society in which ALL women entering a country will automatically be informed about the existence of DV and how to get help??)
You can take practical steps to get away from him without feeling like you HAVE to make a decision today or tomorrow....if you call a hotline they will listen to you and offer you all sorts of programs- all of them are FREE. They offer you the entire service of picking you up right from the very spot you are at right now or arrange a pick up when he is not home etc. and help you with the start of a new life. You can stay for free at a protected shelter, get free counseling, they help you should you want legal assistance and put an order of protection against your partner and help you with a starter package of money and support you in your job search.
And the stuff he says about nobody loves you- is complete control-abuser talk. They ALL make their partners believe only they can love them in such a special way and that the bond you have is destiny blablabla...
My answer to that is- love never hurts. Someone who loves you will not act out ANY violence. He uses the words you want to hear because you feel lonely and he knows that. His actions speak of course a different language. The way he treats you clearly shows he doesnt love you and he is willing to risk your health so he can control you.
Contact a hotline, their professional counselors will help you with practical ideas. You dont have to live like this.
There is a brighter future and you deserve so much more than this!!!!
I started over at 26 also in a foreign country and my parents also barely called and didnt care too much. I felt my Ex was all I had and that I couldnt run away with only my clothes and passport on me. In the end that is exactly what I did. I grabbed my passport and ran with the clothes I had on my back that day.
You can arrange to have your documents be put in a safe place- the shelter can even pick them up first if you cannot get yourself to leave right now but should you, then they have the documents and your wallet etc. ready....
May I ask if your visa allows you to stay in the US even if you are not with him? Because even if not, you have a LOT of rights and will be protected by the legal system.
Let us know how we can help, we are here and you dont have to go through this alone.
Stay strong, deep breaths and trust yourself. You have what it takes to live a happy life without this dangerous man.
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Feb 19, 2014 21:56:09 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 19, 2014 21:56:09 GMT
Hi Janine, sorry, I forgot to say, I was born in the U.S. (as was my mom), so I am a citizen and technically this is my native country, but we moved to Ireland, where my dad is from, when I was only 2, so that's the place I consider home. My parents both love the U.S. and they weren't against me moving here so much as moving here with my partner. They didn't like him. I wish everyday that I had listened. I have called the hotlines before but I always hang up before anything comes out of my mouth. I wish I knew exactly what stops me. I'm embarrassed for staying so long and for letting it get so bad, and letting him run off my parents. I wasn't abused as a child and my parents weren't abusive towards each other. I just don't get it. How did I not see that he wasn't right?
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Feb 19, 2014 23:40:00 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 19, 2014 23:40:00 GMT
It is totally ok to not see it coming. It can happen to any woman on the planet- regardless of her family, financial situation, education etc.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He created this sense of shame on you to prevent you from taking action to leave him. I wouldnt be surprised if you called your mom and dad and told them what happened- and that you want to come home- that they will support you.
Maybe you find that they were waiting for you to reach out to them.
You did not cause this situation - your abuser did. It is never too late to go back home. Itll be waiting for you.
It is also very common for victims of abuse to needing a few attempts to talk about what happened - even to a hotline professional. Dont beat yourself up, I bet it was hard enough as it is to pick up that phone and dial the number, let alone find this forum and post here.
Again, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You did not cause this situation.
Let us know if we can help you with anything specific- but the hotlines really do a very good job in setting you up with help. Leaving can be a dangerous time and you might want a professional to guide you through making a safety plan as many times violence can escalate when you try to get out for good and your partner notices it.
stay strong, believe you werent born to live like this, your family I am sure loves and misses you a lot and wont blame you for what happened. if they do- then thats not ok but also not a reason to stay.
lets say you daydream about going home- how do you picture your life back in ireland? i mean maybe you have a job in mind youd like to do, having coffee with your old friends...enjoying your own culture again....
allow yourself to picture that in your mind and then check in with yourself what exactly is keeping you from cutting this man off and returning to that happier life.
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Feb 20, 2014 5:52:07 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 20, 2014 5:52:07 GMT
Truthfully, I'm frightened. That I've totally blown it with my parents. Of how disappointed they must be in me. That they're going to say they told me so. Or worst of all, that they won't welcome me back. In my heart, I don't think they would reject me, but I am the one who let them be cut out of my life. I guess I'm just afraid that my partner is right about them, even when my gut says no way. That's it for now. He came home from work today and he seems really tense. He says he is ok, just a hard day. The fact that I was able to ask if he was all right without him snapping at me is a good sign that it will blow over without incident, but it always makes me nervous when he gets like this.
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Feb 20, 2014 17:15:59 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 20, 2014 17:15:59 GMT
It sounds like your boyfriend is in what we call "tension-building" phase of the abusive cycle of violence. This means he leaves you walking on eggshells - and then blows up sometimes should you break out of his control. You can read up on these things on the articles on this website but there is also a wonderful book out there called "why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, a very experienced health professional who has worked with abusive men and abused women and children for decades.
I understand very well the feeling of being scared of your parents reaction. We do not control how people choose to act. We only control how WE choose to act. Are there other family members at home you might feel more comfortable talking to? Maybe an old friend? An aunt? I do not get along very well at all with my parents but neither does my aunt and we are very close and she has done things in the past a mother should do.
Even if there is nobody- Ireland is your home. You have a right to want to go back and home will ALWAYS welcome you back. Even if you choose to move a different town than your parents. Maybe one where most of your friends live so you have social support right away....you can also just rely on shelters 100% for the start. Meaning contact a DV shelter now in your area in the USA and then they can help you contact one back home so that you are at least on your way home and then take it from there.
If your parents blow up and tell you "they told you so" and you dont want to put that on your plate right now as well, maybe leave that for later. We can help you reflect on future contact with them if you feel its all a bit too much right now.
Here is a practical question- if you were to decide sometimes to leave- are you able to come up with airfare or can you get your hands on one of those wonderful American credit cards that allow you to at least book the 800-1000 dollars on it a flight back to Dublin would cost you? AirLingus has wonderful offers and sometimes even as cheap as 500 dollars and as an American citizen you would qualify for that. A shelter can also help you and you can have that card shipped to a shelter and then book a flight from there.
There is help. You dont have to live like this forever. It is not too late and it is not your fault. You did not see he was abusive and you have a right to change your mind any second of any day. Nobody is allowed to tell you what is best for you- only you.
Listen to your gut and heart. What do they say? Where do you want to go and what does your future looks like?
Be proud of yourself. I know it is not easy to reach out. I felt too ashamed and I didnt do anything for months even though many people offered to help me and one even stopped by to ask if he could drive me to the train station so I could leave. I brushed it all off and thought my Ex really wasnt that bad. A few days later he attacked me badly during an argument and I ran away for good.
You can do this. Trust yourself.
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Feb 21, 2014 3:59:26 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 21, 2014 3:59:26 GMT
I could maybe come up with $150-200 a month without him asking too many questions. He keeps a close eye on the money though. I don't know why I let him talk me into staying home. I was laid off 14 months ago and I was looking for work for a few weeks when he said it wasn't necessary because he made enough to support us both. Ugh. I don't know if I can take 3+ more months. He's in a foul mood still. I didn't bother asking about it again, I'm just praying he gets over it soon. I'm trying to psych myself up to call my parents tomorrow while he is at work, but I'm a nervous mess.
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Feb 21, 2014 22:26:57 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 21, 2014 22:26:57 GMT
Let us know how the call to your parents went! You dont have to stay with him until you saved the money. A shelter can help you to get out as soon as possible and since you are also legally eligible to work in the US you can choose to either stay and work in another state for a bit or go straight home. Believe in yourself. He has isolated you in every possible way- those are the typical abuser tactics.
you will get out and you will be ok. it is not your fault what happened.
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Feb 22, 2014 1:53:40 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 22, 2014 1:53:40 GMT
Hi Janine. I did it, I called home. I spoke to my dad first. He seemed angry at first. He asked if I knew what this has done to my mom. I kept apologizing but he just sighed. He said he and my mom had finally decided it was no use calling because I never answered and my partner only lied to them. He was crying and he said my mom was too. I didn't think it would turn out well. But then he said, "I want to know what the hell is going on out there. Has he done something to you to stop you from phoning?" I'm so glad he came out and asked because I don't know if I would have gone through with telling him. I started crying after that and just blurted everything out. He said he will send me as much money as I need, or if need be, he will fly out here to pick me up, and tear my partner a new one while he's here. I spoke to my mom as well but she just cried and kept telling me, it's okay, it's okay. I'm very relieved. I pretty much decided on the phone that I would go back home. The money should be here tomorrow morning. It had to be cash because it would have been too risky to have it deposited into our bank account. I hope my partner is in a better mood this weekend so that I can get out by myself to pick it up, and come up with a place to hide it until I can get to the airport or a travel agent to get a ticket. It would be easier if it wasn't the weekend because he always wants to spend weekends together. I've already packed a bag with clothes and my documents and hid it. I know I can always call the shelters and I may go that route if it gets down to it, but I'd really rather not involve the police. Ideally, I'd like to be able to get my ticket for Monday, slip out while he is at work on Monday and be somewhere over the Atlantic by the time he realizes I've gone. I know it's time, but I am just very nervous and I'm already second-guessing myself. Like, maybe it isn't so bad, and maybe I'm overreacting?
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Feb 22, 2014 3:13:38 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 22, 2014 3:13:38 GMT
Iam so glad your parents help you financially. It sounds like a very difficult phone conversation and right now please do NOT feel guilty. It is easier said than done but guilt was what kept you with an abusive man. Right now it is about keeping you safe.
If you can manage to play like nothing is off this weekend and feel it is the safest option- go for it. But....if for some reason it is too much-- dont worry about calling the police or shelter. They go to so many houses and help out so many women every day....it is their job. You pay them with your tax money so they offer a service for you-
Let us know if we can help. We are here and you dont have to go through this alone!!! I ran away from my Ex with only my documents and little clothes on me too- and life does return to normal.
Iam SO proud of you and very impressed you called home. Big hug for that one and I am sending you lots of energy for the days to come. You do NOT overreact and you do NOT cause what your partner does to you. You are only saving your own life from getting worse over time. What he did to you was real. It happened. He chooses to abuse you every day. No apologies or time or more chances will change him. He wants to control you. That is not love.
Stay safe and do not hesitate to contact police or a shelter if you need to get out before Monday.
Goodness I would LOVE to read from you Monday when you are checked in and ready to board. Itll be so good to arrive home and you can start your life then and there. Get a new job, your own place and things will slowly look up.
It will be ok. Stay safe, you know him best. we are here!!!
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Feb 22, 2014 3:21:52 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 22, 2014 3:21:52 GMT
By the way that second guessing is a natural reaction ALL women go through when they finally decide it is enough of the bruises and fear and pain. Because it is STILL hard to believe someone who was by our side and who said they loved us, did this to us. And plus not knowing how your parents would react and welcome you home may have added yo your doubts.
Just know that you can trust yourself. Abuse like that only gets worse over time. By the way if your Ex (yeah ill just call him that now since he doesnt know but he will soon be just a bad memory) uses the same computer you do, please make sure you cover your tracks. He should not be able to read this forum. Abusers can really escalate when they fear their victim escapes or is pulling away.
Call the police the second you are scared of him. You do not need to wait until Monday to get out.
oxoxox lots of energy and we are here to walk you through the emotions and changes to come. In the UK you will be able to get free counseling as well and we can help you set up a welcome-home help system once you arrived -- if that feels comfortable.
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Feb 22, 2014 17:21:57 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 22, 2014 17:21:57 GMT
Janine, I am in a shelter. I found him looking at my phone last night. He found out I called home and he exploded. He called me a liar and a whore and said I didn't really love him. He slapped me hard then pushed me down onto our bed and began punching me in the back. He has grabbed me, shoved me, squeezed and twisted my arms, things like that, but he had never hit me. He just did as much as he needed to get his way. He had never even left a mark. I apparently don't bruise easily, lucky for him. Last night it was like he was wanting to really punish me for making that call. Only after I said, "You were right. They don't love me anymore" did he finally stop. And then he got sympathetic and hugged me and told me he was so so sorry but I should have listened to him. He said he only was trying to spare me the pain of their rejection by telling me it would be better to leave them out of my life. And I was crying because I was scared and in pain, but I played it off as being upset about my parents. He bought it. So I waited for him to go to sleep last night and I got my bag and went down the street to the neighbor and called the police. I was looking over my shoulder the whole time, certain he was following, but he wasn't. He was arrested and I was told he would at least be spending the night in jail. I was taken to the hospital where photos were taken. I told them I was leaving the country but they said the case against my partner will go forward regardless so I agreed to it. I have some bruised ribs but other than that I'm ok. Someone from the shelter is going with me this morning to pick up the money from my parents and then I'll get a ticket right away. I am going to call them back after I have my flight booked. I'm just so sad it came down to this. I so wanted it to go smoothly, not like this. At least it put to rest any idea that I was overreacting. He crossed a line I never thought he would.
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Feb 22, 2014 18:55:45 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 22, 2014 18:55:45 GMT
Oh goodness....Jewel I am so sorry that happened. Abusers often escalate when they feel their victims are about to break free. I am very, very glad you got away with "only" bruises and no broken bones or worse. And you are in safe hands now with someone from the shelter who is trained and knows how to best support you.
You can be very proud for calling the police and ...you running away while he was asleep reminds me 400% of how I got away. I too thought about leaving and had packed and then my Ex attacked me more brutal than he ever had before. I lied and I too talked him into calming down by saying he was right, I did bad and I need to improve how I treat him etc. etc..... your instincts tell you what to do in order to survive in that moment.
I then also waited until he was in bed and ran out the door- running to a neighbor wondering when he would find out I was gone.
You are so strong. It is over. He cannot hurt you anymore. Let us know how the flight booking plans go and if you feel any confusing thoughts- let us know. Now is the emotionally hardest time- usually right after you left, the last final attack was the worst and you collect the pieces and try to make sense of something- that just doesnt make any sense.
Big hug and lots of energy your way
Ill be checking in more often in the days to come if you should need an ear and some words to encourage you.
It will be ok. Trust yourself. You did not overreact. He is a dangerous man and if he is capable of this, he is capable of killing a woman some day over his rage.
You are free and safe now.
Keep us updated how the journey back home is like! You are not alone.
Things will look better soon, I promise.
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Feb 22, 2014 19:05:26 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 22, 2014 19:05:26 GMT
This is from DV shelter site and I really like this bill of rights: YOUR BILL OF RIGHTS You have the right to be you. You have the right to put yourself first. You have the right to be safe. You have the right to love and be loved. You have the right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be human—NOT PERFECT. You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone. You have the right to your own privacy. You have the right to you own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously. You have the right to earn and control your own money. You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life. You have the right to make decisions that affect you. You have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing your mind). You have the right to say NO. You have the right to make mistakes. You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adults’ problems. You have the right not to be liked by everyone. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS. Time will fly until Monday- you can also arrange for the shelter to walk you to the airport and get to the security check-in safely. It probably also would not hurt to let the airline know. Or airport police even....there is NO shame in taking everything super safe from here on out. I told the front desk at the hotel I stayed at after I left to not give out any information to anyone that I was staying there. And I believe you do the right thing by getting out as soon as you can. The justice system in the USA will do what they can to make sure they punish him -- but in the end the best "punishment" and the only way to put this behind you some day is to move far away, go no contact, change your phone, email, everything...and cut out anyone who is on his side or pretends to be neutral. Anyone who could cause a link between you and him in the future just is not worth it. I was very disappointed by some people who decided to stay neutral and said to me " Oh he just loved you SO much and didnt know what to do" -- and I learned that I dont need people like that. Love is different. Anyone who loves you would say: the bastard deserves to stay in jail until he dies. Or something like that -- stay strong, trust your fears and your gut. They kept you safe the first time around and I just want you to be safe on that airplane and off to be far from him. Whatever happens then- maybe it will be difficult to be around your parents etc. is not important right now. You will figure it out then. And it might as well be that you move into your own apartment rather soon, find your own job again within a few weeks and then slowly your parents and you will put this behind you. Besides from that- although I love the USA-- Europe just had that culture going on. It will feel nice to be around that again and have the food you grew up with, take walks in familiar places and maybe see an old friend or two.
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Feb 23, 2014 19:03:24 GMT
Post by Jewel on Feb 23, 2014 19:03:24 GMT
I got my ticket. I am leaving tomorrow morning. I called my parents again and they want me to stay with them until I'm ready for my own place. They said they don't blame me for anything and they understand! I am in shock. It also makes me really angry that my partner had me convinced that they didn't care anymore and wouldn't welcome me back. All that time I spent afraid to phone them. Those two years I'll never get back. He keeps calling my phone and leaving voicemails telling me that I can't leave him, that he won't let me, and I can't make it without him. I called the police about it, but I don't know what they can do without listening to the messages and I'm not going down to the station. I'm going to have a new phone in Ireland anyway. I'm just afraid he's going to turn up at the airport or something. I am having someone from the shelter come with me and we're notifying security at the airport. It's probably just talk, right? I'm going to be really nervous tomorrow.
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Feb 23, 2014 20:19:34 GMT
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 23, 2014 20:19:34 GMT
Nice!! Iam so glad your parents are all in and supportive.
I think it is good someone from the shelter goes with you to the airport. It will feel not safe until you are on board I bet but on the bright side there are so many airplanes going each day out of an airport and there is police everywhere. If anything it is probably the most safe place right after a police station when it comes to people ready to help you. Having said that- I still want you to listen to YOUR gut. Your instincts got you here and nothing is lost by being extra careful just a few more hours.
You could probably get rid of your phone right now as you wont need it anymore once you are on your way to the airport. Airport security can maybe even have you wait in a protected area- I know some airports do and all you have to say is that you have been a victim of domestic violence and your partner might be after you. Especially if he has access to firearms you can mention that too. I dont know if your airport will have that service but asking wont hurt and at least airport security will be thankful for the tip and be on the lookout.
I doubt he thinks you are going home-- I bet he thinks you are in the area and he can talk you back into coming home. He might try and contact your friends in the USA or someone who knows what you are up to so keeping it a secret right now is important. You dont owe him an explanation and now its time you get your own life back and focus on the road ahead.
I bet you will make up for that time with your parents once you are home. Nothing is lost. Nobody will ever do that to you and itll feel good to eat the food at home, sleep in peace and enjoy life to the fullest!!!
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