|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Feb 18, 2014 5:44:10 GMT
Been talking to a guy. He is moving way too fast. I don't feel comfortable. He is looking for long term and marriage, but seems like he wants it RIGHT NOW. He started the contact by saying he is good at home repair, well, I need my house fixed... Then he went mute on that subject of repairs, while he continued to pressure me about long term and marriage. I told him that I might consider marriage with the right one, but I am not desperately seeking marriage. There is a difference. He seemed to understand this, but he keeps pushing for it! He called me once a day. (we haven't met) I had mentioned that I carried in loads of firewood that day. He said he will bring me a truck load of firewood. We talked some more, then he said the firewood all depended on how things go between us. He wasn't that obvious... he put it in different words. I finally wrote the guy off. I thought I would disappear.
Winter is long and I get bored. I stopped taking his calls. But, I took his call on Sunday. We planned to go out to dinner this Friday. But, then he said he wanted to come in my house to get to know me better before we go out to dinner. I didn't trust this and I said we can go to restaurant to talk. I was so creeped out! I am seeing too much bait/ and switch. He offers things and then takes back the offer while he continues to pressure me into doing something he wants.
He called today. We talked a little. Then he asked in a bright voice if I hold hands on a date. I had had enough. I told him that he is going way too fast for me. I feel like I'm being pushed. He said he won't bother me anymore, and then he hung up on me.
Tonight I got an email from him. He wrote that going for lunch would be better for him so he is not driving at night. I didn't respond. Or maybe I should respond and tell him off and tell him not to contact anymore cause he is weird!
He might just be looking for a booty call. And that marriage talk and help with repairs and firewood is just a smoke screen to get his foot in the bed.
|
|
|
|
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 18, 2014 18:42:44 GMT
Your gut instinct is right on. VERY red flags all around this guy. It is like he doesnt even hear what you say and he definitely uses the sugar/beating method aka you either do what HE wants or you wont get anything in return.
Id say you dont owe him anything. Block his email, block his number. He sounds like someone who could develop into a stalker once he finds out where you live- and he clearly wants to pressure you into giving away where you live. Not good....
Write him off. Dont waste your time by wanting to find more proof of these early abuse flags. Ive been there and I like to run situations by people here before I let go- and its not easy....If he only wants sex than the whole marriage talk is even more scary. Close that chapter, you didnt invest much time yet and he is not worth it.
And good for you for seeing right through his game!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by crystal on Feb 21, 2014 18:54:58 GMT
Yes your gut instinct is so right, also well done for seeing through him, I think we all learn this having been through abuse. Do everything Janine says. You deserve better than this!!
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Feb 23, 2014 1:46:36 GMT
To Janine 1984, and dianem, Thank you for your posts. I didn't know how to put it into words. But, you two nailed it. He wants me to believe he will do things for me if I commit to him first. Isn't it supposed to be that he impresses me so I will be interested in him?
I told that guy not to contact me anymore, and he hasn't. I thought it was interesting subject anyway, cause as it was pointed out that he could have been a stalker. Yes, stalkers do start out as the guy who doesn't respect the word NO.
|
|
|
|
Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 23, 2014 2:39:37 GMT
Jeannie, I totally agree. It is a HUGE warning sign if our "No" is being ignored. Especially right in the beginning!!! I dont even want to imagine what those men are capable of if they dont even try to hide their abuse at all at the start. You did yourself a VERY big favor by keeping out unhealthy people. Your jerk radar is up and wont go away  Very proud of you for standing up and saying no this one!! |
|
w
Member
Posts: 22 
|
Post by w on Feb 23, 2014 8:05:13 GMT
Absolutely, trusting your instinct when you feel someone is moving way too fast is one of your best defences. Good for you for standing your ground |
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Feb 25, 2014 5:28:49 GMT
Thank you Janine 1984 and W.
I learned well about the Jerk Radar from being with my ex-boyfriend Jim. He was so bad. Just inhuman! That was the only thing I learned from that relationship, and I swore I would never be abused again. If the guy asks if he can wash my back, or asks if he can join me, cause I said I have to shower and go to bed, write him off.
If I say I have to mow my lawn and the guy asks if I will mow in a bikini. Write him off.
Anything that suggests a sexual thing is a turn off for me! It's too soon, don't know the guy, don't even know if I will like him a month from now cause I'm just getting to know him, and he is pushing for that? Forget it..
I will probably be single for the rest of my life cause too many men have a penis for a brain. But, being single is ok. I don't have to deal with a man taking over my house. I don't have to hand over the remote control to TV. I don't have to watch him lounging on couch while I'm cooking and serving him. It does get to be lonely being single, yet some of the perks are wonderful!
|
|
|
|
Post by ArianneW on Mar 4, 2014 17:21:10 GMT
New here, but... I think you did the right thing. I know I don't want someone who won't listen, or wants to discuss what I will/won't do on a date before we've even met. As to being single the rest of your life, I doubt it. A lot of men don't like women who are not easy to manipulate. However, the nice ones - the ones worth having - do! (And by the way... a man you'd want won't be sitting letting you serve him - he'll be in the kitchen with you, making the meal.)
Be yourself. You will find happiness.
All the best.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 9, 2014 18:13:07 GMT
My husband also pressured me into marriage - as I had to find out now, he was only after a visa.
I met him a year ago online, on a discussion forum. I thought he was in USA due to the time it showed as his "member's local time", but it turned out he was in Pakistan. Yes the red flag came up straight away as I have been through a marriage that was purely for immigration purposes before - only at the time I had been forced into it so had no choice about it.
However, we got talking, and after just a few days he mentioned marriage. We had of course never met in person as I am in the UK. So I told him, no way unless we meet in person and get to know each other first! But he then came up with excuses - saying he couldn't come to the UK on a visit because he wouldn't have anyone to stay with - turned out that was a lie too - and it seemed genuine. So we talked over Skype, on the telephone, and emailed, and he seemed genuinely loving and in love with me.
So he managed to talk me into going to Pakistan all alone in order to marry him - without ever having met in person! I went there in August last year, married him, he got his visa, came to UK - and the abuse started.
Still believing myself to be in a genuine marriage however, I applied together with him for his 5 year visa. He got that on March 14 this year.
On March 15 the abuse started to go through the roof, accompanied by repeated threats to leave me. On March 18 the police got involved. On April 7 he admitted he had only married me for the visa, had no feelings for me, had never loved me, and stated that he would leave me - all accompanied by threats that he would destroy my life, have me evicted from my own house, send people after me etc. Then the abuse got so severe police got involved again. He was removed from my house. Since then I do not know where he is. Very clever indeed - since I don't know where he is, and indeed he has stated many times that he would not agree to a divorce - as he would lose his visa then - I cannot divorce him for at least five years if not more - by then he will of course be in possession of settlement in the UK or British nationality.
So he thinks anyway, but I got news for him - immigration authorities have already been informed and are on to his case!
Yes, folks, I know it looks stupid that a 39 year old woman who's been through a forced marriage for immigration purposes before would fall for it, and go to Pakistan of all countries all alone to marry someone she has never met before in person.
But they say don't judge someone unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.
My circumstances are such that since the death of my cat I have nobody in the world. All my previous relationships had not only been abusive, but all of them included the men in question refusing to commit to me, ie marry me or live with me, with all of them saying that I wasn't good enough.
I had reached 39 and never been in a proper relationship, suffered 39 years of abuse, nobody in the world, always been told that I wasn't good enough - and along comes this seemingly wonderful, loving, handsome man.
Also - and this is very important - in the beginning he repeatedly said, once we are married we would live in Pakistan, that he has a house there where he will live with his future wife, and that he had absolutely no interest in coming to the UK.
Then, once I had fallen in love with him, that suddenly changed - all of a sudden it was, we are going to live in the UK, it's no good in Pakistan, family problems, this and that and the other.
By then I had developed feelings for him - and, since he had at first stated he wanted us to live in Pakistan, I thought of course he couldn't possibly be after a visa.
Apparently what he has done to me is extremely common in the UK - it's called marriage fraud. It destroys lives and is the most despicable thing anyone can do to another living being. Women who get conned in that way believe themselves to be in a real marriage, only to then suddenly have their husbands disappear on them, leaving the women devastated, whilst the husbands have visas and British nationality and can stay in the country.
So anyone who finds that a guy is trying to rush them into marriage - look at the nationality on his passport, and you will have your answer as to why he is in such a rush!
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
|
Post by steve on Apr 17, 2014 21:06:40 GMT
God, what a slimebag! And he obviously was completely in control of everything he did, because he waited until one day after accomplishing his wishes to start to attack you. So much for the idea that he 'loses control of his anger!' It's not that you are stupid, it's that these people are such incredible liars!
Quick requests for deep involvement are always a very bad sign. So are big promises for the future if only you'll do what he wants.
Hang in there - not every man is like that. Have you gotten yourself into some counseling or a support group? It might help you get less isolated and learn that there are others who have had the same experience.
---- Steve
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Apr 20, 2014 2:44:16 GMT
Yeah Steve, you are right. When they want to rush into a relationship, it is a sign of serious character flaws. They want something for nothing, at your expense. Whether they want you to support them, and provide services that they could pay for, but they want you to provide it for free. Cause they can't get sued in court if they got these services as a part of a relationship.
To ankhesenamun, a childhood friend married a guy to grant him citizenship and he paid her $2000.00. She knew what she was getting into. He didn't hide it from her. This was back in late 1970's so that dollar amount would be double? today. Here you got nothing but grief. And this childhood friend is planning to track him down for back support on alimony cause they never annulled the marriage. Well, two snakes will fight to eat the other. You were tricked into it. Like all of us on here, you were looking for love, and someone took advantage.
|
|
